You know Sis, I can't add to what everyone else has said - both Pep and Mimi hit it right on the mark.

But what I can speak to...

You said that "others" want you to feel anger...

And your post about the churchlady disappearing...

These are normal (and very selfish) reactions. One thing I learned was that most people are uncomfortable, even afraid of pain and hurt and grief. They want you to be angry because thats an emotion they can get on board with. They figure if you get angry, and dump the bum and move on, you'll be in a place that doesn't bother them.

Even worse...many of them, I suspect including the churchlady, is fear of the same betrayal happening to them. Have you ever seen a horrible tragedy upclose...and come away with the fear of it happening to you?

People flee from their OWN fear and insecurities and comfort levels - it is all about THEMSELVES - and not about your worthiness as a friend or a human being.

Once I got the strength to hold my head high - I found that I was able to tell even complete strangers that my husband had left me. It was a HUGE surprise to watch the reactions. Some fled in fear. Others knew...really knew...and had been afraid of their own dirty secret...there is nothing more empowering than helping another BS have the courage to say: It happened to me too.

You will never know where that hug, that comfort, that spiritual boost might come from. If you don't put yourself out there, you will never know what you missed!

This is "busy work" and doesn't make anyone a "Christian". There are lots of people who do "busy work" who may be surprised in the end.


If's she a true woman of God who has a real relationship with the Lord, then she is accountable to her fellow Christians. Write her a letter, express your hurt (non-judgingly) and simply ask her why? If she responds with an apology, then her heart probably is in the right place but she may not know what to say (or any of the reasons BR gave you). If she doesn't, then what she thinks doesn't really matter anyway.

Hold your head high. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of-- including fighting for your family.

P.S. If you're a criminal... then I am too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You don't need this.

Arrogant pair act out egreciously. Your elected role is to be the scape goat. What's wrong with this picture.

Hopefully, you can prayerfully consider moving somewhere else.

You do have extended family & location to rebuild. Plus+

This is just dragging you and the kids down. Negative-

There are such excellent wonderful top notch human beings in this world. Actually walk their talk. Operate from a place of integrity in their lives.

Your life is too short to be mixed up with troubled shady people.

Is this good for you & your children?

This bogus & incomprehensible.

Main thing is to keep things polite & calm.

BR, you are right...I shouldn't take the church lady's avoiding me personally (as per Marsh's book recommendation). Actually, I don't mind telling anyone about the A...I can hold my head high and shout it from the rooftops. It's the OTHER scarlet letter..the one that I wear now...that I am utterly ashamed to admit. And I feel like I have no business thowing stones when I live in a glass house.

I know YOU ALL understand the emotion behind what I did, and don't judge me in the same way...but to people who DON'T understand...it's shocking and shameful.

I do appreciate all of you telling me how much you DO empathize and understand how it could have happened. My GF says the same thing. It is still something that *I* have to live with...part of my reality, part of what I need to accept.

meggy: The letter to the church lady might be a good idea. I need to figure out what I want out of it...what do I want from her? what do I need from her? Do you think there's value TO ME in finding closure in my relationship with her?

In a way it's making myself vulnerable to hurt again, and skylite's right about that, don't need it. I certainly don't want to make myself vulnerable just to give her a chance to assuage her guilt (assuming she feels any). Honestly, I don't trust her anymore.

She was a friend. She suspected something was off between WH/RT for a year before d-day. She didn't do anything before d-day (which I can understand, what would I have done had I been in her shoes???). But after d-day, she didn't rally around me, didn't make herself available in any overt way. More like an offhand, "give me a call if you need something." She never called ME, not once.

There was one day in particular when I couldn't even drive to my IC. My sister was staying with me, but was due in court later in the day and had to drive back home an hour away. She was afraid to leave me alone. She called everyone I could think of, including leaving a message with church lady. Church lady never called back...not ever.

So I guess the fact that she never called me after "the incident" shouldn't come as a huge surprise. The fact that she never sent a Christmas card shouldn't come as a huge surprise.

It's just a let-down, you know? When you have a particular impression of someone and they really don't measure up? I was so certain that she had this HUGE caring, compassionate heart, but I have not experienced it, not when I needed compassion the most. But that's not on me...and I cannot allow her reaction (or lack thereof) to define me.

This day is coming to an end...it was long (I had a meeting tonight and had to drag the boys along).

I'm going back to my resolutions. Skylite is right...there are so many wonderful people in this world. I know MANY...my friends, my coworkers, my family, the students I work with, my boys, everyone here. I am a wonderful person also...and to view myself through the eyes of two people who are twisted, amoral and delusional, or even through the eyes of individuals who are uncomfortable with me because of their own hang-ups...that's unfair to myself. I am a beloved child of God.

Day 9 of Plan B.

LilSis -
Don't let Church Lady get you down. Before my D-day, my SIL came to me in Church, and begged me to help her. Her husband (WH's brother) was cheating on her. I was very proactive, talked to her everyday, and even went to the OW's house to tell her if she didn't end the affair, I would tell her husband. Then I DID tell her husband, and the affair ended.

Do you know that since my D-day, she has not called me even ONE TIME? It was extremely hurtful to me at first. But as BR says, some people are just very uncomfortable. I still love my SIL very much and continue to pray for her. She disppointed me, but was just not strong enough to help.

Dear LilSis,

I can see you going through the process.
Shock, Denial, Anger, Quilt, Shame, Hopelessness, Acceptance, Healing!
You are so very close, don't fight it!
If I were ever to meet you, I would consider you a friend, Heck, I consider you a friend now, and as a friend, I urge you to listen to the extremely wise, and experienced here on this board.
They have recovered their MARRIAGES, a feat in and of it's own, Admirable!
You have made great strides, even if it feels like you have gone backwards, albeit, it is not the case. You bring hope with every confession, every bit of raw openess you share!
God Bless you and those wonderful sons in the time of Lenten!

May the Lord be with you,

PGA

Sis it doesn't matter if churchlady or anyone else rejects you because of the 'other' incident.

The point still stands - the rejection is about THEM, their fears, insecurities, etc....not about you.

So maybe the churchlady thought: ugh, how Jerry Springer, what will people think about me if I am associated with HER?

The point still stands, the problem is with HER, not with you.

Truly? So what if you physically attacked a woman who had assaulted your family and ripped it apart? I am NOT condoning or justifying what you did - I just want to put it into perspective here. If I thought my family was under attack, heck yeah I'd be throwing myself at whatever threat I thought I could physically deal with.

You didn't throw the first punch, how ever which way the court may see it.

You were under what I would call extreme stress, duress and provokation.

Should you be proud of what you did? No. But you shouldn't walk around shamed in public.

Churchlady or coworker or whomever. really. And btw, I've met alot of compassionate on the outside peeps that were really just people pleasing grovelers on the inside. Sounds like your churchlady is one of em.

You don't need this stress. You didn't create this mess. You need your rest.

People like that no longer exist. The recovery process is also apart of the discovery process of all that needs to go...

Day 10 begins.

I'm back to resolved for today. It's a short day at work because I have a dr. appt in the AM. I'm going to have the boys help out with some cleaning this afternoon. Last week, I led DS11 through cleaning the bathroom...step by step, so that's going to be his job now. Maybe we can celebrate gettting some cleaning done by going out somewhere they'd like to eat.

Another reflection on Plan B:
Plan A put so much focus on WH that I stuffed down all this stuff that I needed to deal with. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because I needed time. But I think that's what the last couple of days have been about for me.

I've been focusing a lot about the various ways I've been hurt...not to dwell on them so much as to "examine" them and recognize them and process them. They are less painful now...time has given me more perspective. Yes, the wounds hurt (church lady, thinking of all the LIES! all the times that I NOW know he was with her), but it's not this raw, gaping, bleeding wound.

Early on, I couldn't even THINK about those things because the wounds were so was so painful that it would take my breath away.

Plan B is me peeking under the band aid and seeing that the healing has started. The band-aid needs to stay on a while longer, but eventually it WILL come off.

There's going to be one he!! of a scar.

No, I don't need the stress, but part of me does need to process this. To look at the REALITY of what has happened to me from nine months out. Thinking about everything no longer sends me into a tailspin. Before, I just couldn't BELIEVE it...this couldn't have happened to me, no it's not TRUE!! Now, I accept that it did happen and can put it into some context.

Like a big mess in the kids' room. All these toys and dirty clothes and books and mish-mash all over the floor. In Plan A, I was too busy with other things to supervise the kids cleaning up. You know how that is...you tell the kids to clean their rooms and an hour later and they haven't done a thing.

Now I'm in there supervising...making sure the job gets done. Looking at everything...is this toy broken? Does this shirt still fit? Getting rid of the useless stuff and putting the other things in their proper place. Putting things back where they go so that we can walk through the room without tripping over all the junk.

Yes, it's work, and it's not necessarily fun...but in the end I'll sure feel better, like I accomplished something.

What I want to say is THANK YOU. For the past few days, I've been throwing this stuff out there and you are all being SO helpful. Nope, LilSis, that toy is broken, toss it. Yep, LilSis, that drawing should be kept and put on the fridge.

You are all helping me through this, playing an active role in my healing. Reminding me that I shouldn't take things personally, that others are responsible for their own reactions, that my behavior was not acceptable, but it was understandable, that I need to KEEP healing and KEEP taking care of my wounds, that I need to accept that I will have a scar, that the scar will represent a horrible battle that I LIVED through and I shouldn't be ashamed of it.

So thanks. I hope you all know how much I appreciate your various perspectives and help in processing all of this.

More morning rambling....

WONDERFUL...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LS,

Your doing marvellously! U really are. All your energy has gone into hard-core survival.

Your being treated like a outcast. Well so be it. You can deal with it. Casting out negative, destructive people in your circle works the same way. It is your right too.

Welcome to the dare to dump stage. How it manifests itself comes out in interesting ways.

Okay, your starting to go through the let down /or defrost process and your body is assessing the severity of actual internal damages and injuries.

The flooding of memories, encounters and experiences you are perceiving are trying to get on with healing. Good red flag warnings signals, to get you up and close. Pay close attention to those that clearly do not have you/kids best interest at heart.

You have been severly traumatized & drained enough. You are the priority. Lots of more homework to do in that area alone to acquire/understand for self care repair.

have some damn fun

I 2nd that.
what's fun for you?

Good pitch!
Rite on!
Like cream.
Half & half deal.
Ok. Multi-task.
It's half-time.

LilSis

Some more thoughts for you.

Someone (maybe Pep) suggested having dinner parties. I think it is very important to build a life on your own for several reasons. First and foremost, it is good for you, good for your children. Great self-care. It is also a big boost to your plan B. Your WH will hear of what you are doing and it will make him feel your absence all the more. Part of the WH fantasy is that you will always be there, waiting and pining away for them. A good Plan B gives them a heaping dose of reality and you can give that reality some teeth!

An example from my sitch:

Before the A, my H and I had dinner with his brother and brother's wife every week. After dinner, we would play cards. Well, about a month after D-day, I continued with that. My H couldn't believe that we were carrying on without him. What game do you play, he would ask, because we had always played partners. His brother told him we had tried out a variety of games that could be played with just 3 players.

Every summer, my H and I would have a huge party. Lasted 2 days, people camped out overnight. It was mostly his family and eventually, everyone called it the family reunion. Guess what! I had that same party this past summer while he was gone. H's family reunion without H!!!

Hold your head high, present yourself with dignity and class. People would look at me strange, they would judge me "How can she want him back?" "Doesn't she have any self-respect?". My mantra over and over again was that I was committed to my H and to saving my marriage. Couple that with the image of a strong, self-confident woman, someone to be respected, because you really are all that....and a bag of chips.

Care for yourself, your children. Laugh, cry, live.

One other thing - I have read that you are close to your MIL. I am with mine too. At first I talked to her quite a bit, but then I stopped. It put her in an awkward position. She knew H was wrong, but he is also her son. I found it cleaner to confide it people here, my friends, and my BIL. My MIL could only be my ally up to a certain point. She knew I was committed to H, committed to the M, and I really stayed away from setting up a triangle in which she might feel torn (never would have been my intent, but it could have been perceived as such). She would aslo act as a go-between at times...he said, she said... and often put her own spin on things. Plan B means dark. What you say to her will somehow get back to him. Your MIL cannot give him his LilSis fix.

Thinking of you LilSis. Stay strong. You are doing awesome!

Good morning!

It sounds like you are doing great-even understanding that this whole thing is something that takes time, that we have to process, and that will leave quite a scar.

That got me thinking about a quote from this month's Oprah magazine-about scars and what they represent. Thought I'd share it with you.

"...see how the flesh grows back across a wound, with great vehemence, more strong than the simple untested surface before. There's a name for it on horses, when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,
as all flesh is proud of its wounds, wears them as honors given out after battle, small triumphs pinned to the chest-"
Jane Hirshfield from For What Binds Us

My DS25 said "you've got quite a triumph on your chest!" and I know she meant both my physical scar from surgery and the scar from this experience.

The mastectomy scar means I'm a survivor. I may be altered, but I'm so much more aware that I am vitally alive with hope and a future in front of me, and the awareness that I am stronger for having gone through it.

I feel the same about the scar in my heart.

Hang in there-

Thanks, everyone. Yep, I need a life.

The Chicago group for this weekend actually does do a poker night every couple of weeks, but I've not been able to participate in that because of the kids. They do it on a weeknight, so it's a challenge. I'll talk to them over the weekend about how to arrange it. Maybe I can get a sitter just for a couple of hours so I can hang out with them for part of the evening anyway.

Or we could do it at my house and send the kids up to the attic.

I did do lunch with BIL/SIL on Sunday after church. (BIL is WH's brother). Keeping connected with the whole IL network won't be a problem. I see BIL/SIL reguarly, and the other BIL/SIL would connect with me more than WH anyway when they come to town, because of the kids. I hosted all the cousins at my house over Christmas. They camped out in the attic and stayed up til all hours, and I made pancakes in the morning.

Remember...I had the whole IL clan over for a post-Christmas celebration...WH didn't show.

Both SILs are contemptuous of WH....as much from a mother's perspective as anything. How could he do this to his kids? They see the disregard with which he treats the kids; it's obvious.

I've also been more engaged with my GF/intermediary. She's taken me under her wing and brought me in with her circle of friends more and more.

I do need to find more outlets...our mutual friends as a married couple have disappeared.

One more little rant...thinking about WH's BF...
If my best friend (GF) had cheated on her H and left he and their girls high and dry, it would not matter that she was my lifelong friend. I would be there for H and their girls. I would offer to spend time with the girls, check in on them...whatever. I would tell off GF and my loyalty would shift immediately from her to him.

Here is WH's BF, who (along with his wife) were so supportive early on...have not heard a word from them in almost six months. "Uncle P" my boys call him. Well, has Uncle P offered to do anything with the boys? Has Uncle P asked them to come over and play catch? Has Uncle P taken any time to check in on them and ask me how they are doing or if they need--or I need--anything? Has Uncle P not noticed that WH spends very little time with them and that they might need some male bonding time?

Nope.

Again...not my issue...just needed to vent...and again express my surprise in people.

Some people surprise me in such a postive way, and others have the opposite effect.

Lizzie: You are right about MIL. She understands the need for darkness, but it is awkward, and she might slip....with me or with WH.

Thanks again, everyone, for your votes of CONFIDENCE!! I have resolve today. Whew! I so much prefer the GOOD days, know what I mean??

johnstwin: I will wear my scars with pride! I already do feel proud of how far I've come, and I look forward to the stage when the wounds have healed enough that the bandages can come off, and I can show everyone my scar:

Look how marvelously I've healed! Look how well I am functioning, how happy I am...in spite of this awful injury! What a reason to rejoice!

I feel that joy even now, from time to time, peppered in with the pain and ugliness. It will grow, and I know I'll feel it more and more....you've all told me so!

LS...I wonder if you were not a BS if it would be so easy for you to switch your loyalities from your BF to her H in the situation you describe.

I know it wouldn't have been for me.
my sister is a WW and although i don't agree w/ her choice (and i told her so) and encourage her to see a different perspective....i could not switch my loyalties to my BIL.

it's just not always that simple.
try not to waste your energy on what you think other people
SHOULD or SHOULD NOT be doing.

wanted to pop back because i didn't want to come off too preachy ....i DO understand your vent and how that would hurt.....try not to take it personally or judge too hard....just a waste of your energy.
you need to get out and laugh.
seen any funny movies lately?

You are right, nia.

No more energy wasted on that! But it feels good to vent it, anyway. All out of my system now.