LilSis-
I know how you feel. I get that way sometimes too. But, then I think of all of the people that I CAN trust, and it restores my faith that one day, I will be able to trust more people again.

Are these people letting you down in a major way, or do you think that it is major, and they think it is no big deal? The reason that I say that is because one of my closest friends USED to have a habit of just cancelling plans or whatever at the last minute, without thinking about ME at all. We were good friends for years, I did not see why she would do that. But... I never told her that it really bothered me. When I did, she never did it again to me. She said that she never thought that about it.

So maybe some of the people that you do not think you can trust, maybe you can, if you tell them more of what you need? Just a thought.

And you are not alone. There are many people that care about you, remember that!

((( Lil Sis )))

It will get better honey... it will


carnation

Hi carn and bugs.

I just sent the following to the church lady. I have felt the need to reach out to her. The woman I THOUGHT she was would have appreciated my honestly; wouldn't have been offended by it. I tried not to be judgemental, but I wanted her to know how I have interpreted her inaction.

It has been a long time. A lot has happened.

I have been thinking about you, and I felt like I should probably share my thoughts with you.

I have always admired you so much: your faith, your generosity, your honesty, your intellect, your spirit. The time that you spent caring for others, your concern for people you hardly knew, your relationship with God were always so inspiring to me.

So I have been left wondering--really, truly struggling over--where that caring and compassion have been when it came to me. I considered you a friend. You knew WH and I as a couple, you knew our children. We ate meals together, talked together, laughed together.

I want you to know that I am so hurt that in all this time, in over six months, you have not reached out to me once. Maybe you do not think I am worthy of your caring or compassion after what I've done. Maybe I frighten you. Maybe you don't know what to say or what to do. Maybe you aren't willing to risk your relationship with RT by reaching out to me. Maybe you think that others deserve your caring and compassion more than I do. Maybe you just don't have time. Maybe you've had your own crises to deal with. Maybe you think I've been just fine, that there have been plenty of people there for me.

Maybe it's unfair for me to have expected anything. You certainly don't owe me anything.

Maybe you feel that it was up to me to reach out. From my perspective, however, I was viciously betrayed by the one person that I trusted more than anyone. I was viciously betrayed by someone who pretended to be my "friend." I spent months on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and practically had one. I considered suicide. I got down to 91 pounds. I was cast out and locked up in pretty horrific circumstances. I am taking care of the boys, the house, the yard, the pets, my job...alone. My closest family is an hour away.

I am faced nearly every day with passing the coffee shop (where RT works)...sometimes there's a cop car there, sometimes not. My husband and his mistress carry on publicly, oblivious to the hurt and shame their actions cause. DS11 knows why his dad left, and for whom. WH sees the boys every other weekend and takes them out for dinner one night each week...when he has not signed up for "overtime," that is. Currently, he's spending two weeks in Arizona, so by the time he returns he will have gone for almost three full weeks without seeing the boys. He did not call them before he left, and has called them once in the time he's been gone. DS11 called WH the morning that he left on his trip to say good-bye, and after a 30 second conversation, WH hung up without asking to speak to DS8, even though DS8 was sitting right next to DS11, waiting to say good-bye to his dad.

Every ounce of energy that I have is used just keeping my head above water, dealing with day-to-day life, and trying to be everything that I can for those boys.

People whom I thought I could count on have not been there. You are not the only one that I have not heard from in months. Fortunately, people I did not expect to count on have been there; they came from nowhere. But losing faith in people I thought I could count on feels like another betrayal of my trust. Another betrayal; another loss; more misplaced trust.

Maybe that's unfair. Maybe you are not at all interested in my feelings. I do not mean to judge you, and I don't want to judge you, so I thought the more responsible way for me to deal with these feelings was to simply share them with you. I do not expect, nor am I asking for, a response of any kind. The (church lady) that I thought I knew, however, would have only wanted my honesty.

All the best, and I hope your H and kids are well.
Sis

Wow LilSis! That was an awesome letter you wrote to Church lady. I wish I could write as well as you.

Good job.

Wow LilSis! I feel so similar about MANY people in my life. They were all categorized as my WH's friends. WH even said, "Why would you think they would contact YOU?" I guess I thought they were my friends, too. Alas, some people don't like conflict...

It's a great letter...

My BIL (H's brother) left his wife a couple of years ago I called her to see how she was doing.....we lived in different state, were never particularly close but it just FELT like the right thing to do to me...even though it was awkward.
She told me I was the only inlaw who called her....out of 11!....and that includes MIL.
I don't understand it....I really don't.
Ironically, BIL wnet back to marriage.
Everbody confessed they felt awkward and didn't want to get in the middle of it.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

don't know how she feels comfortable around them these days...I don't and my H never walked out on his children and I.
some people really avoid conflict.....they are children of Alcoholics...maybe that has something to do w/ it. Run and hide...don't make waves, ya know?

LS...I am glad you contacted her ......don't be too hurt if she doesn't respond right away...she may be feeling defensive...you heaped a lot of honesty on her and she may need to get thru her own feelings before she can process how you might be feeling.

Good for you Sis. Let's just hope that she's the real deal. I've always been of the camp to speak my piece in order to make my peace.

It did feel good to email that. It felt like me re-claiming myself somehow. Exactly...saying my piece.

And I honestly don't expect a response...or necessarily want one. I cannot control her, I can only control me, and I was honest with her. I don't know why she hasn't reached out to me; she could have a perfectly rational reason...it's not my issue. I let go of it. I don't have to hold on to my resentment, my shame, my feelings of betrayal.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has been taken by surprise by the reactions of some "friends."

Lilsis... if I got that email... my first response to you would have be that I am sorry you are in a tough place. My next would be to ask YOU why you haven't called and reached out to others in your time of need. I have some friends that I know are very dear to me and care a great deal... and they felt awkward during my time of divorce and didn't know what to say or do. Others were more comfortable. I just think that before I questioned a friends caring or loyalty, I would reach out first and let them know what has been gone on in my life.

I hope the CL receives this as you doing just that and not an attack on her.

MEDC

Sis,

It is surprising to find out where we get our support, or lack of support in our sitch, isn't it?

The expected support is often non-exisistant but then some flies in from the most unlikely people!

MEDC...I understand that a typical response would be "well, the phone goes both ways, doesn't it?" My response to P when he said that was that I had been so betrayed by people that I trusted that I have been afraid to reach out to anyone; I don't know who to trust anymore...and not hearing from these people reinforced that belief.

I have been so eaten up with shame and guilt over the jail thing...AND WH has been telling me that everyone had felt that they tried to help, but that jail thing was the last straw and they wrote me off.

I just couldn't reach out. I was terrified. Like the beaten puppy that many of us relate to...cowering in the corner, waiting for the next blow, afraid to move, unable to take a step out, watching the rest of the world walk by oblivious, seemingly uncaring.

My sister said almost the same thing as you, MEDC, and also worried that I'd get some kind of ugly response form CL...here was part of my repsonse to her...

For me, it was just an opportunity to tell someone--confront someone?--who had intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. Standing up for myself, a way of healing, a way of saying to myself and others that I don't deserve to be hurt. My intent is not to hurt back...but I do want to say, "Look, I was and am in a very painful and vulnerable spot, a spot I was placed in through no fault of my own. I thought you were my friend, but you haven't spoken to me in six months. That hurt me even more."

Sort of the anti-12 step program. Instead of whatever it is that they have to do about making amends to people they've hurt, I'm reaching out to people who have hurt me. I do feel like it was an exercise in weilding my personal power...I cannot control her, but I do control me. I had been holding on to this hurt and shame, feeling like I was unworthy of continued friendship from people I had once considered friends. The reality is, that's not my problem, it's theirs.

Some of my behavior, while not acceptable, is certainly understandable given the extreme circumstances and the emotional and physical stress I have been under. And in the bigger picture of what I have gone through over the past nine months, I think I have MORE than compensated for it. Not only in terms of the legal price I have paid and the shame and humiliation I have experienced, but I am here for the boys (even though mom has reminded me, not 100%), they are eating and healthy and seemingly pretty happy, doing very well in school, the house is still standing, the laundry is getting done, the driveway was shoveled in the winter and the grass is mowed in the summer, I am still working and got a promotion...all of this despite experiencing probably the hugest betrayal anyone could face, WH having walked out on virtually all of his responsibilities, barely seeing the boys, acting like an a$$, hanging out with his girlfriend publicly and around the corner on a regular basis. Big picture: I'm doing pretty well considering.

I HAVE to believe this about me. If I can't see myself as a good person, a person worthy of love, respect, kindness and compassion IN SPITE of what WH says, what RT says, what the law says, what CL says, what P says, what other people's behavior seems to indicate, then what the he11 am I? Why am I even on this earth? What business do I have raising two kids?

If something hurtful comes back from my email to CL, it's just one more ugly lesson learned, but I guess I have to learn it, along with all the other ugly lessons.

****

So...what do you all think about that? Does it make sense? Anyone else experience this? Does the anti-12 step thing hold any water?

good morning.
you were up early....have to admit, i am not so sure i like the anti-12 step plan.......seems a bit defensive to me.
I am not so sure you are truly reclaiming your power....your quest to let go of some pain w/ that letter to the church lady has seemed to conjure up some negativity.

i am very confused by your WH's statement that the arrest was the last straw to people...that they wrote you off after that.
what the heck does that mean?
that was an awful thing for him to say.....don't beleive it.
I don't know what you did BEFORE that, but don't believe him!!

I think he was implying that people were sick of my crying and needing to talk and asking for help, and the jail thing just made them throw up their hands.

No, I don't really believe him...now that I have heard from P. Before that, part of me was believing that...and part of me probably still is. That head/heart thing again?

My statement to CL will be negative from her perspective...but her actions were very hurtful, and FOR ME, I needed to call her on it. It's not so much conjuring up the negativity, because it was always there. It's bringing it out in the open, owning it, deciding it's not my problem, not hiding it in shame. It's letting it go. If it makes her feel bad, oh well. It's my truth. Maybe that's harsh, but she was a good, good friend, and she let me down.

I don't know if that makes sense.

I am so sorry to hear that you EVER believed that for 1 minute.
"They" need to tell themsleves stuff like that to continue carrying on. what cruel, selfish rats.

yes, you make sense to me... there have been times when i should have told people MY TRUTH.
Just stay positive now and remember you are worth it.

This is called "Gaslighting". And the only ones I can think of who has deliberately and with malice tried to hurt you is the person speaking these words to you and the person he was parroting when he said it. These words were spoken with the intent of wearing you down so you'd give in on anything he wanted - divorce.

The only person tired of your tears was him...

Back to Plan B focus -

How are you going to filter out words and memories of those words who were not telling the truth? By focusing on The Good Word. I like reading Proverbs - they're like affirmations. Psalms also comforts me. I also like reading the words of Job to remind me of the power of fear, so that I can focus on being "Faithful" to God - believing that He intends good things to happen - that the promise in Romans 8:28 is real. And then I count my blessings - the resources and knowledge He has given to me to learn and grow during my challenges, the beautiful son he has sent me, a job that pays me well and teaches me so much... you get the idea.

Thanks for understanding, nia. I'm glad you do.

Kayla: I have been reading Psalms every night. You are absolutely correct...reading the Bible does filter out the bad, the negativity and brings the postives right to the surface. My own head manages to bring the negatives to the surface all on its own, so the Bible helps so much in countering that.

I also have this wonderful Lenten devotional, which gives me a lot to ponder, and a scripture reference to read though in the context of the devotional text.

I really love that devotional. I may try to find something else by the author that put this Lenten one together. In a recent reading, he reference an article by Catherine Marshall, the author of the "Christy" books. She had been very ill with a lung infection, and had been praying for health for months. Finally, in frustration, she just said, "Okay, God, You've heard me pray for health. You may want me to be well, you may not, but I'll let you sort it out. I'm done." And she just gave it up to Him.

Eventually, she got better. (I googled the article that he referenced, but I couldn't find it online)

I just love those stories of people who just give it up to God. It's so inspiring.

I wish I was able to just consciously do that...to make that break nice and clean. Pull the band-aid off quickly. I'm pulling it off slowly and probably more painfully, but I think it's coming off....???

Here's a couple of sermons that refer to the Catherine Marshall story...I think that it's from a book she wrote, so can't find her actual writing online:

http://www.2preslex.org/S040815.HTM

warning - this links to a pdf file:
http://www.covenantpresby.org/Sermons/JHW081306.pdf

Thank you!

Sis,

Your WH will have said MANY very stupid things by the time this is all said and done.

He will also have LIED to you many, many times.

The statement that others have "written you off" falls into both categories.

A hurtful, ugly, lie.

And a stupid one on top of that.

Think of it as comparable to the teenager who wants to drop a friend without good reason (which happens all the time!) saying, "Well, I'm not going to be your friend anymore, because nobody thinks you're cool."

Now how stupid is that?

Essentially the same stupid lie, Sis.


BTW, he's not cool, and WE don't want to be his friend. Cuz, like, we like YOU waayyy more than him, you know? Sis is da bomb, real phat Sis.

SB

When did he say this? It was an incredibly cruel and nasty thing to say and certainly is not true.

Do you recall when I said that he has behaved very passively in the past but that you should expect him to turn to passive-aggressive actions once your Plan B kicks in and he no longer feels in control of the situation?

His remark was textbook Passive-Aggressive. It was designed to hurt you and push your buttons and get a reaction out of you.

And it worked, didn't it?
Mulan