I think when your WH and RT break up, you will see him suddenly lose interest in the "single lifestyle". To me, the two are inextricably intertwined.

Yeah..I agree with Neak..

My H did not want to live a SINGLE LIFESTYLE...

But his R with the OW was started and maintained with the purpose of HAVING FUN...

He got hooked on HER though and couldn't end it when it stopped BEING FUN...

So I don't think it makes much difference in terms of YOUR PLAN...

He remains your H..although wayward...and you want to recover YOUR MARRIAGE...

Why listen to what his SINGLE FRIEND has to say????

What does he UNDERSTAND about MARRIAGE???

I just logged in to DS11's email. He hasn't checked it in months, but WH has mentioned that he had emailed him. There was an email from RT's son...whom DS11 hasn't ssen since June...before this email account even existed:

Hi DS11. Its me (RT's son). Your dad gave me a rat.  I named it Max. 

I hope every thing is going well at you re place.

I met your cousin at a concert for school.

your a good friend.

 sincerely , (first and last name)


I am going to be ill.

I would delete the e-mail... that is only going to hurt you're son.

Oh this makes me so angry at your WH....

Still

The Lord is still with you...

This is information you needed to know in order to protect your son.

Of course you know to CLOSE THAT E-MAIL ACCOUNT....

SUCH EVIL...YUCK...

LilSis,

I have to agree with Mimi and Neak. WH's "single life" is all part of the wayward fantasy, and, like most fantasies, I am sure the reality pales in comparison.


My H, the last guy in the world you would ever think would have an A, not only hooked up with the town bicycle, he also talked of having a child, bought a motorcycle, joined online dating sites....blah,blah,blah. I remember feeling like you do. Who is this person? What happened to him? Was our whole marriage a lie? How did I not see this person?

It was all part of the fantasy. None of it fulfilling. To hear H speak now, and to watch him during his A, he was like a puppy chasing his own tail, looking for something that was never real to begin with. When I saw his cell phone bills, there were about 20 to 30 calls to OW every day...addiction and pure fantasy.

There's a script, a wayward handbook. They all follow it. Take comfort in the fact that your WH is like all the rest.
Your H is still in there somewhere, addicted and enslaved to a fantasy. When the WH is released, you'll find your H.

Sis, I'm still here reading and supporting from the sidelines, I just don't have much to offer right now. But I had to comment on the Mom issue. My mom came a couple of weeks after d-day to stay with me and the kids. She was solely coming to help me take care of the kids b/c FWH had just moved out and I do not have any family within a 1000 miles of me (I'm from Indiana and now live in Texas). B/c of the kids I could never just have a moment to myself to break down and really allow myself to feel what I was going through. So, that was the reason for my mom's visit. Just to give me a week to take time to myself and she would take care of the kids like I wasn't there.

Well, she got on the phone to my sister after she had been at my house a couple of days and told her that she was really scared to leave the kids b/c I wasn't taking care of them at all or even feeding them. She was having to do all of that!!!! My sister told her, that's what you're there for mom!!! That's the whole point of your visit, so Daze could have a break for a week.

Then we were at DS8's soccor game and my mom told FWH's friend and his wife that she was concerned for me, I was on AD's, really emotionally unstable, etc. Ofcourse, at the time FWH had a field day with that one, especially since I'm sure he told OW and she is a child protective worker, they were probably plotting how to take my kids from me using the info my mom gave them.

Family, ya gotta love em.

And that is why I moved a 1000 miles away from home and from all of my family, I may have to love em, but I don't have to see them on a regular basis.

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

that's because you become your own Mother's voice in your head

this can be changed

and quickly too

quit like a bad habit when you catch yourself doing it ~~~> say to yourself

"NOPE ... That is not MY compass speaking."

Pep

I agree with Mimi, Neak and Lizzie -- he's doing what they all do. To try and interpret his motivations will make you crazy because his motivations are crazy. That other person (WH) is doing his thinking for him and has been for awhile. I've asked my husband that question before (long after he came home), what on earth were you thinking?!?!? His response? I don't even remember... it was like a dream (fantasy fog). Just keep on keeping on with your plan. Don't try and second guess WH. It doesn't help. Your mission... should you accept it... is to make a GREAT life for you and the boys. If and when your husband reappears, you'll be ready for him and all his stuff that he'll have to deal with. (((Sis)))

Lil Sis-
I know exactly what you are saying about your WH, and if this really is the real him. I go through the same thing.

My Dad is convinced that my WH is going through a mid-life crisis. But, he then told me that some men never get OUT of their mid-life crisis' either.

I do think that it speaks a ton about your WH's character, and mine too for that matter. I also never expected it from him either.

I agree completely. It is funny too, when I talked to my WH's friend, he said that he really did not know if he really was dating anyone, or if it was just the thrill of no responsibility on a day to day basis. He was also disappointed in how my WH was being, he said that my WH wsa different, and he did not know what it was.

I think that I disagree with Mimi. I do not see you as thinking you are special or different... it is new to you, and you never expected this. It is different to you, that is a big difference than thinking you are special or different. I also do not see any harm in talking to that one cop the other day... it validated your thoughts a little, and it did not see to be about him trying to get closer to you. I had a similar conversation with one of my WH's friends, and that was it, no more conversations. I just had to throw that in there.

I was curious- I did not see the whole jail thing, and what was that about? I just have not seen anything, and it did not ring a bell.

I think that you are a great mom, and a great lady. You should be proud of yourself!

{{{{{{LilSis}}}}}}}}}}


Sadmo

I'm fine with the garden variety WS...it was just an observation.

Should I contact my attorney to have him deal with this email thing? To me, it violates the spirit of our agreement about no contact between the kids and RT.

garden variety WS! yes....w or w/o RT...he is still that.

i was thinking your questions about WH sigle life were coming from a different place....... "can I ever expect H to return (to the marriage) even if RT is out of the picture?"

i think the answer to that is... maybe/maybe not....it doesn't matter....you are in plan B and need to think of yourself and life w/o H or WH.

as far as the email goes...
do you think your WH and RT had that kid send it to your son?
if you think that.....yeah, i would contact the lawyer and ask him what he thinks.

I think you need to choose your battles carefully. Was the email sent before the agreement or after? You didn't say when it was dated. Where did he get your son's email address, from your WH? In any case, that's not a direct contact between RT and your kids. It's an indirect contact. If it were me, I'd just delete the account (if your son doesn't use it). If he does use it, then I'd just print out the email (just in case) and then delete it.

OW wrote this email ... not the boy

Pep

Yes, like Lizzie, I wanted you to TAKE COMFORT in knowing that you are NOT ALONE. Sorry if it didn't come across that way..problem with trying to post while working... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I think Pep is onto it about the E-mail...

It didn't feel right to me either..it coming from a boy...

AH, HAH..is RT a bit threatened by you????

And realize that I'm sharing MY EXPERIENCE which I know may be different than yours....

In looking back, though, I wish I had not been SO VULNERABLE in listening to OTHER PEOPLE who may or may not have had my best interests at heart...

What's most important is to TRUST YOUR OWN GUT..and to BELIEVE ONLY WHAT YOU YOURSELF HEAR AND SEE...

ETA: I just read PRINCESS MEG'S POSTS AND I AGREE 1000% with her..she said what I was TRYING TO SAY...

YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND CRAZINESS..THERE'S NO LOGIC TO IT..TRYING TO COMPREHEND HIM WILL MAKE YOU FEEL CRAZY...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

yeah...most likely something like that.
I was thinking they (RT and WH...how else would she know the address?) had the boy send the email....same thing really.
very sick.

Thanks, meggy. I know you have knowledge in this area. These are good questions. Here's the scoop:

*The email account was set up by WH on his mac.com account back in the fall. It requires a password, which DS11 gave to me at my request (I explained that I didn't want him having an account that I couldn't access as sometimes kids can be taken advantage of on the internet.)

*The "agreement" was that there be no contact between RT and the kids. WH objected to having in the court orders, but it was referenced in the cover letter between our attorneys, along with some language stating that if the "agreement" was violated, that I would go to court to have it added to the court order. This letter/court order was filed in November.

*RT's son MUST have gotten the email address from WH. No one else has it, which is why I didn't really object to the account...it seemed like a reasonable way for WH to communicate with DS11 (although it assumes DS11 checks it, which he doesn't....thus he had to be told by WH last night on the phone that WH had sent pictures.) DS11 does have another email (also goes unchecked) that is under MY email account. I am quite sure that RT's son did know THAT email address from pre-d-day.

*Since DS11's email is under WH's account, I imagine he would put up a stink if I deleted the account altogether. "Why is LS inhibiting my communication with DSs???"

HOWEVER...I feel that as the parent in the home, I have every right and every responsibility to monitor and control DSs communication with "friends." If DS11 had a friend at school that I did not approve of, I wouldn't allow him to communicate by phone or email. He's only 11, for goodness sake. He's still at an age where I can have a good deal of influence in that regard.

I feel that giving RT's son DS11's new, private email address that WH set up was a DELIBERATE attempt to undermine me and the SPIRIT of our agreement. The kids have not seen each other since June, so for all practical purposes, the friendship is over.

This was an INSIDIOUS attempt to continue to use the kids as PAWNS. Remember...RT and WH used the friendship and promoted the friendship between the kids as a way to provide cover for their A. The kids were NOT close friends BEFORE the A...just acquaintences.

Do you think it's possible that RT actually wrote the email? Pre-D-day, did RT's son EVER communicate w/your DS11 via email? Is this something RT's son would be likely to initiate on his own without some prodding from WH or RT?

I say that your WH lost his rights.

I say DELETE THE ACCOUNT.

Create an online E-Mail account for your son. He can E-Mail his Dad and let him know that he has opened the account.

RESPECT. YOU NEED TO GAIN THE RESPECT OF THE WS....

did you mention the date on the email?

I agree w/you....i think they are using the kids....again.
and i would be very pissed off too.
that pisses me off!

my gut tells me they (RT and WH) either encouraged the email or wrote it themselves....tryign to gain DS's support. that's how stupid they are!!

still...i am not sure what it will do for YOU and your case....but, save the email...forward it to your own address.