i understand and respect that you want to set that boundry and not loose the opportunity. i would too.
i just want you to wait a little bit....i am not even sure why....(it's just a feeling i have <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />) to respond and set that boundry.

LS...

you said..."every little nightmare is coming true."
remember..
"Worrying is like praying for what you DON'T want."

saw that quote somewhere here yesterday and it keeps popping into my mind.

there is only so much you can control.
you still have time to decide how to approach the email...no major hurry there.
deep breath.
give your worries and anxiety to GOD. relax.

For one thing, LS, if WH is as insensitive as you've described, it's unlikely he'd be much bothered by the fact that RTS contacted DS11.

For another, I don't think the terms of the PO put any restrictions on communication between the children? I'm not clear what an attorney would be able to enforce here, and even if your attorney were to call WH on it, I suspect WH would simply be enraged at your 'paranoid' attitude to an 'innocent' email from RTS.

You can't protect DS11 from his own father, as long as his father is operating within the law. You can offer support to your sons by being consistent, rational and clear on what represents honourable behaviour - their father's actions are doubtless making them very uncomfortable, and forcing them into making moral judgements rather earlier in life than they would normally be ready. If you can offer them a path which helps them to deal with the moral ambiguity of their father's behaviour - "Your father is behaving selfishly and unfairly and you are quite right to feel hurt. This does not mean you should hate Daddy. Sometimes people really feel that they're being good and kind and fair, even though everyone around them can see they're not.", then they'll have tools to work with no matter what WH/RT comes up with next.

TA

Yep..he would tell me ANYTHING that I ASKED..but did not VOLUNTEER information..I got the DETAILS that I NEEDED...the goal of both my H and I during RECOVERY was to PROTECT our marriage..one of the FOUR RULES..OH, HOW DIFFICULT and DELICATE a PROCESS THAT WAS... We are WAY PASS THAT....



I don't know what to say to this...

Just the other day..my H was BRAGGING again about our almost 31 years of marriage and the person said: "You're one of the couples that we will be reading about in the paper having their 50th..and my H said..."YES, DEFINITELY"...

I continue to SURRENDER TO HIS LOVE....

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to say that again...

Those early days of RECOVERY..deciding what to know and what not to know..hearing what he said..stopping him when I couldn't take any more.. him asking.."Are you sure you want me to go on"...DARK, DARK, HOURS..thankfully I now LIVE IN THE LIGHT...with NEW MEMORIES of OUR TIME SPENT TOGETHER DURING RECOVERY...



How do you know this?

Better yet, through the attorneys...no emotion, no coming out of the dark for me: "Contact between the children is inappropriate and any attempts for her children to contact either DS11 or DS8 should end immediately."

I don't see how this is non-Plan B. We already have this agreement about no contact with RT...everyone recognizes (except WH) that this email contact was a way to circumvent that and a violation of the spirit of the agreement. (even my attorney, who is a conservative guy)

My IC also recommended talking to the boys at some point soon about their feelings regarding WH and his relationship with RT and her kids...bring those feelings out in the open. He suspects that they have been thinking about it already, and may be afraid to raise the issue for fear of hurting me.

meggy...it came from a yahoo account with the boy's name in it. (first initial and last name...not very creative for a kid's email)

I REALLY appreciate your POV mimi...but I find it really hard to believe that the heat could be felt so SOON, especially since WH has been gone, and given how deep he is into this A. I've only been in Plan B for three weeks, and he's been gone for almost two.

I also suspect that WH and RT (even IF she planned it) would enjoy feelign like YOU were overreacting......paranoid over a innocent email! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
what good will that do?

I know you want to set your boundry.....you will get that chance.

About the heat....
RT may not be feeling the type of heat that mimi described...but, i have this feeling she's sweatin'!!
i REALLY do....and i know that is just my opinion and it really doesn't mean a thing.
still...
the way you described her.....she lives for the drama of making others out to be the bad guy and herself to be the poor innocent.....i know women like that.
she is missing something.....she is not secure and happily inlove.

Mimi, I don't KNOW it, I believe it.

I just reported the contact to my PO...just so you all can breathe easy on that one. She didn't seem bothered by it at all since the contact didn't involve ME.

TA: It's not that the attorney would be able to ENFORCE anything here...but it has been made clear that if the agreement is violated that I WILL go to court on it. That's the stick that can be waggled in front of WH...just a little reminder.

As to WH's insenstivity...maybe this is why it has hit me so hard. Although he has been INCREDIBLY insenstive to me, this is the FIRST indication that he would be EQUALLY as insensitive to the kids (aside from abandoning them and all that...). My ONLY point with that is that on the OFF CHANCE that RT manipulated getting the email addy and having RTS send an email...and WH sees HIMSELF as having taken pains NOT to violate the agreement...then I think he would be angry. Do you see where I'm going?

Again...a very remote possibility...but since we are speculating.

I also wanted to thank you for the comments about speaking to the boys. What you said sounds so loving...and VERY similar to what my IC suggested. But you know as a parent how HARD it is to have to even raise these ugly issues with your kids...how unfair it seems...

I know, life's unfair...

LilSis ~ I just want to make one little point here.

Just because you have not communicated a boundary does not mean you havent drawn one.

You have drawn a boundary by taking steps to make sure that no further emails reach your son. That's the only thing you can control right n ow.

I do agree that your PO should know what happened, and if you decide you MUST communicate that your laywer should do it.

But honestly, boundaries are NOT about forcing other people to change their behavior - boundaries are about protecting YOU. You have done that with your Plan B, and intercepting your DS11's email will protect him. As far as boundaries go, you've done well.

I am so glad you posted an explained boundries that way, BR....it was what i was thinking and feeling but couldn't express correctly.
I hope LS understnad it.

MEDC..you said:


"Mimi, I don't KNOW it, I believe it. "



In my ongoing battle against DEPRESSION, which I've been winning for years and years now, this is the way I THINK...

WHEN I DON'T REALLY KNOW, I ALWAYS ASSUME THE POSITIVE.

What did Weaver say, on her signature line?

I'll be back. I'm off to find it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm not going to do anything immediately...because at least I am safe until Tuesday when WH has the kids.

Do you think they would feel so indignant or self-rightous if the message came from WH's attorney? Because if the attorneys DIDN'T see this as a violation of the spirit of the agreement, then they wouldn't agree that it was something worth communicating. Am I making sense?

If the ATTORNEYS convey the message, then the burden of being "paranoid" or unreasonable is moderated...not completely, but at least it's not just ME spouting off either directly or thru the intermediary.

Also to keep in mind...the email was sent on Sunday...it's been almost a week now with no "reaction" from me.

Sort of OT to MEDC:

I PRACTICE Weaver's signature line..ASSUMING THE POSITIVE IS WHAT I CHOOSE TO DO WITH MY MIND....

I very much think it would be better coming from the attorney than your intermediary....for several reasons.
most importantly is because it shows that they support it was innapropriate.

Sis:

The ATTIC PICNIC was FUN yesterday.

What's up for today?

I listened to KIRK FRANKLIN'S SONG..IMAGINE ME on the way into work today...

He said "IT'S ALL GONE" once you turn your "HURTS" over to the LORD...

"GONE..ALL GONE"
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Personally, I think that any contact regarding this e-mail (even if coming from an intermediary or attorney) would likely compel the WS to defend/protect OP...

and, why would any BS want to give their WS a reason to defend OP?

My advice-- it was one e-mail. Let it go. Pretend you didn't see it. Do not be the first to strike. Wait and see if other e-mails follow...

it may have been NOTHING. ~Marie

I agree with Marie..

I'm on a high...so I'll share...

I can't get this song out of my mind..

...for the time being.

I very much appreciate this. I feel like you are talking me down from the ledge...this is not the end of the world, LS. Don't go off half-cocked. Right?

I need to focus on the NOW...NOW I am screening emails. NOW I have reported it to my attorney and PO. NOW I am aware of how low down and dirty they are willing to go.

But the Mama Bear in me is looking ahead and anticipating the next threat to my little bear cubs. I need to focus on the NOW. That is very hard.

Isn't it a boundary for me to say that contact between these children is inappropriate and I will not permit it? That's MY boundary...it's not about controling someone else. I will not allow my children to be hurt (which everyone recognizes will occur), and WH, on the other hand, seems willing to hurt them.

That's why WH and I ALREADY HAVE this agreement (or boundary)...I'm just saying that his attempts to circumvent the agreement will not be tolerated.

Can you help me with this?

YES!
yes...wait.
wait and see it a 2nd e-mail follows.

doesn't really prove or solve anything to JUMP on this...sit back. no need to jump. you're cool. you're laid back.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />