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Okay. Deep breath. (Whenever I post, I come back and there are a bunch of new posts to read through and provide insight.)
Marie's point really spoke to me, and I think it's what BR was saying. It was one email. File it away and let it go. Wait and see. I will see it as a shot across the bow. I've drawn the line in my own mind, and the troops are on high alert.
However, NOTHING further will be tolerated by me. If anything...ANYTHING more happens...another email, contact...I don't care if they "run into each other" at the movie theater or see each other across a crowded room. I will call my attorney IMMEDIATELY. I do not need to communicate this...I know it in my own mind.
I feel comfortable with this stance. I can be at peace with this...as much peace as I can have while on high alert.
Are you with me? Does this sound fair?
(BTW...nia...you said what I was TRYING to say about the attorneys communicating it..."because it shows that they support it was innapropriate." thank you)
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You have drawn a boundary by taking steps to make sure that no further emails reach your son. That's the only thing you can control right n ow.
But honestly, boundaries are NOT about forcing other people to change their behavior - boundaries are about protecting YOU. You have done that with your Plan B, and intercepting your DS11's email will protect him. As far as boundaries go, you've done well. ...for the time being. I very much appreciate this. I feel like you are talking me down from the ledge...this is not the end of the world, LS. Don't go off half-cocked. Right? I need to focus on the NOW...NOW I am screening emails. NOW I have reported it to my attorney and PO. NOW I am aware of how low down and dirty they are willing to go. But the Mama Bear in me is looking ahead and anticipating the next threat to my little bear cubs. I need to focus on the NOW. That is very hard. Isn't it a boundary for me to say that contact between these children is inappropriate and I will not permit it? That's MY boundary...it's not about controling someone else. I will not allow my children to be hurt (which everyone recognizes will occur), and WH, on the other hand, seems willing to hurt them. That's why WH and I ALREADY HAVE this agreement (or boundary)...I'm just saying that his attempts to circumvent the agreement will not be tolerated. Can you help me with this? HIS plans to circumvent the agreement?? might work IF you knew FOR SURE that WH or RT sent the email or sent it w/ ill intentions. as of right now...it just makes you look a bit paranoid and EAGER to prove he's wrong.
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Okay, maybe I'm missing something here-- but how is it possible to think that these children will never have contact??
Looking ahead-- if WH/OW relationship continues to progress, it's only natural to think that there would be contact (not only between the children, but also between OP and children).
I understand your feelings of protection-- but if the affair is out in the open-- I would think that there wouldn't be a *need* to use the the children as a way to hide the A anymore...
Combining these two families of children won't be all rosy and *Brady Bunch* for OW/WS. My guess is that they have no idea how much work it will be to make a smooth transition.
It reminds me of when our OW was telling my H to just divorce me 'cause the children are old enough to understand... they'll be just like 60% of the other kids in school... besides, she had enough love in her heart, for him, to accept our children as her own, etc. etc. etc... *puke*
But like she said, our children were old enough to *understand*... and they had come to some conclusions about HER on their OWN (and trust me, it wasn't rosy).
Hoping you find the clarity you so desire. Peace, ~Marie
*edited for spelling
Last edited by ohmy_marie; 03/23/07 08:38 AM.
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Mimi- wow... what a powerful song! I play keyboard on my church's worship team. This would be a cool song to do.
Lil Sis-- just imagine...
Last edited by princessmeggy; 03/23/07 08:39 AM.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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[color:"red"] LilSis [/color] Isn't it a boundary for me to say that contact between these children is inappropriate and I will not permit it? [color:"red"] no a boundary is all about what YOU DO .... not about what you say to others about what they do or might do boundaries are ACTIONS you take to protect yourself and your cubs[/color] [color:"blue"] Pep [/color]
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[color:"red"] LilSis [/color] Isn't it a boundary for me to say that contact between these children is inappropriate and I will not permit it? [color:"red"] no a boundary is all about what YOU DO .... not about what you say to others about what they do or might do boundaries are ACTIONS you take to protect yourself and your cubs[/color] [color:"blue"] Pep [/color] your ACTIONS are protecting you children right now....he didn't see that hurtful e-mail. you did good. you don't have to SAY anything right now. If another e-mail comes in.....then maybe it is time to STATE or your boundry.
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LilSis,
I can understand where you are coming from. Your sons are 11 and 8. You have yet to experience the realization of how much in your children's lives you have no control over (coming from the mother of grown children). I agree with Marie - if the D happens and RT/WH end up staying together there is bound to be contact.
The best advice I have seen so far is from TA and how she suggested helping your sons develop the TOOLS they will need to cope with loss and disappointment. I believe that is the best gift any parent can give a child.
Mimi - thanks for those lyrics. They are beautiful. A little cry this morning & now I am ready to take on the day!
I put a dollar in a change machine, but nothing changed. - George Carlin
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Married 35 yrs, together 37
Way past the A
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Okay, maybe I'm missing something here-- but how is it possible to think that these children will never have contact??
Looking ahead-- if WH/OW relationship continues to progress, it's only natural to think that there would be contact (not only between the children, but also between OP and children). And during the pendancy of the D, we have this agreement that there will be no contact with RT. Another reason to push the D timeline. Combining these two families of children won't be all rosy and *Brady Bunch* for OW/WS. My guess is that they have no idea how much work it will be to make a smooth transition. TRUE. I just want to push that out into the future as far as I can. It may be inevitable that the Brady Bunch is attempted...and of course it will be ugly...but the ugliness will have the most damaging effect on the KIDS. MY KIDS. It is a HUGE HUGE price to pay for WH/RT to learn the lesson that the Brady Bunch ain't gonna happen the way they envision. The KIDS paying the price for their PARENTS to learn a lesson? I can't stomach it. The longer I can prevent my kids from having to face that ugliness...using whatever tools I have at my disposal...the longer my kids can retain a shred of their innocence. And if I can push it far enough into the future, maybe the A will have imploded before it even comes to pass. That's all I am trying to do.
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Okay, to recap my strategy:
1. Stay on high alert for contact. Emails are screened and will be deleted, and DSs would invariably tell me if they had contact with RTs kids.
2. Any further contact, by email or in person = IMMEDIATE call to my attorney. He will have WH's attorney communicate the need for the contact to end.
3. In the meantime, begin to have some discussions with the boys to open this topic up and give them some tools to deal with the situation should they be THRUST into it by WH.
4. Stick to my plan and stay dark.
SOUND GOOD, GENERALS??
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I hear you Lil Sis. IF that day ever comes, THEN you can address those Brady Bunch issues with your kids. Oh, and by the way, the Brady Bunch family didn't have to deal with HOW they got together because they were a widow and widower who found each other. Had they been divorcees as a result of an affair... Hollywood couldn't have touched that in the 70s. As to OW/WS-- Brady Bunch fantasy -- ain't gonna happen.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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[color:"red"]Nia [/color] If another e-mail comes in.....then maybe it is time to STATE or your boundry. [color:"red"]State it to whom? And with what expectations? My point is this ~~~> Naming something a boundary does not enforce said boundary ... ONLY our actions make something our boundary. The reason it is a bad tactic to repeatedly discuss OUR boundary with our enemy is ... our enemy will believe we are all talk & no action. ESPECIALLY in Plan B ~~~> ACTIONS SPEAK .... and otherwise the BS remain DARK.[/color] [color:"blue"] Pep [/color]
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Okay, to recap my strategy:
1. Stay on high alert for contact. Emails are screened and will be deleted, and DSs would invariably tell me if they had contact with RTs kids.
2. Any further contact, by email or in person = IMMEDIATE call to my attorney. He will have WH's attorney communicate the need for the contact to end.
3. In the meantime, begin to have some discussions with the boys to open this topic up and give them some tools to deal with the situation should they be THRUST into it by WH.
4. Stick to my plan and stay dark.
SOUND GOOD, GENERALS?? [color:"red"]EGG ZAK LEE [/color]
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[color:"red"]Nia [/color] If another e-mail comes in.....then maybe it is time to STATE or your boundry. [color:"red"]State it to whom? And with what expectations? My point is this ~~~> Naming something a boundary does not enforce said boundary ... ONLY our actions make something our boundary. The reason it is a bad tactic to repeatedly discuss OUR boundary with our enemy is ... our enemy will believe we are all talk & no action. ESPECIALLY in Plan B ~~~> ACTIONS SPEAK .... and otherwise the BS remain DARK.[/color] [color:"blue"] Pep [/color] i agree w/ the plan B stragegy...stay DARk...all the more reason to not STATE this boundry to WH......it comes off like she is coming out of the darkness to point her finger.......over a POSSIBLY innocent e-mail. my point was NOT that STATING the boundry is what makes it a boundry.......just that maybe it will need to be STATED if the e-mails continue. do you disagree w/ that? maybe i am not being clear.
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Whew. Thanks, Pep.
THOSE are marching orders that I feel comfortable with AND I can abide by without freaking out...
I have a plan.
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just that maybe it will need to be STATED if the e-mails continue. by the attorney
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just that maybe it will need to be STATED if the e-mails continue. by the attorney TOTALLY agree. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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YAY!! Consensus at last.
Now I can go clean house.
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I forgot to tell this one...(the mess can wait one more minute)
On Monday I got a letter from my attorney with a copy of a letter from WH's attorney. WH's Attny letter stated the "my client has informed me that the parties no longer wish to have FOC supervise the collection of CS. Please confirm this with your client and I will draft the paperwork."
Well......when I called my atty yesterday re: the email, I told him to forget it. I want to keep it in FOC.
I'm sure there will be fireworks when WH gets that little bit of info...
He'll want to get me back...he'll try to hurt me--somehow--for sure...remember how FURIOUS he was when he first got the FOC order??
I'm a little scared. With all the drama yesterday I sort of forgot about that....
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I was going to ask you about the FOC status .... serve the consequences of adultery COLD
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remember how FURIOUS he was when he first got the FOC order??
Isn't it ironic how much WS's hate having 3rd parties brought into their "affairs"?
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