Thanks carn. I am on Zoloft, and I do have Xanax for those anxious times. I rarely take them, usually not unless it's evening and I'm really upset.

I'm with Trix. How many FWS's are out there who actually were the recipients of a Plan B? We know about mimi's H, but any others? And not just speculative, but part of an actual couple that went through Plan B.

Although I don't know that it would really do any good...really the point of being dark is as much (or more) about me getting comfortable in my solitariness as it is with "teaching WH a lesson."

I guess that just for once in this whole, ugly, long episode...nine months on Wednesday...it would so nice to know that he was actually suffering, too, and NOW, in THIS world...not in the next. I know that sounds so un-Christian of me. And I don't mean suffering in the wracked with pain sense, but the spiritual pain, the sense of loss...something even CLOSE to what he has caused me to experience. And I don't mean the kind of suffering that is stuffed way down deep. I want him to actually FEEL it.

What does that make me?

My IC would say it makes me human, but I guess it's a side I don't really like...to feel like I want my husband to suffer, to hurt just because I hurt, just because he hurt me. Just because life hasn't treated me fairly. Well, life is unfair to a lot of people in this world and why should I feel special? Why should I be immune?

Oh well...

Mortarman's wife ... she got Plan B military style ... now they're pregnant !

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep

I think it makes you someone who wants her WH to Wake Up, and you instinctively know that nobody Wakes Up from the wayward mindset unless and until their suffering outweighs their pleasure.

That's what I think it makes you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And if he has to suffer the way you've had to suffer, he would surely never ever do this to you again and you might feel safe with him once more.
Mulan

it makes you human.

it also makes you not in plan B.

Plan B is about getting on with your life, and choosing not to care about what your husband is doing, or thinking, any more. It's primarily about YOU. Not your husband.

It's about leaving a door signposted for them to come back through... but preparing yourself properly for them never coming to knock on the door. About ignoring the door, until when and if someone knocks on it to get your attention.

If you're thinking of it as something else... then you're not aiming for "plan B", you're just playing strategy games.

If you're not ready to "let go, and get on with your (single) life"... then you're not prepared for plan B.

[plan 'D', in contrast , is when you want to move on, to a non-single life]

I know you are in pain, and wish it upon your WH -- but... and this really will sound unchristian.. but -- that is where God comes into play. He can even the score MUCH better than you or I can... Just wait honey... what goes around ~ comes around... he will get his.... good gets good and bad gets bad - really...

just sometimes it is not in the time frame that we had in mind...

maybe LG could post to you and open the door into the WS mind....

LilSis, you want some kind of justice...and it will happen...but in its own time.

Right now, WH can't feel a thing. He's numb to the eyeballs on RT heroin. As long as the A keeps delivering, everything else - you, the boys, his colleagues' contempt, his parents' anger - is just static on the radio.

But this euphoria can't last...and it won't. When the drug stops numbing him, he's left with a bunch of trouble that's not nearly such a big romantic adventure. If he sticks with RT, he's in a relationship founded on lies and selfishness - a relationship where each of them KNOWS that the other is a quitter. Even if he gets humble and real and accepts his lot, it will be a life tinged with sadness and shame. If he chooses to be bullish about it, he has to close down much of his personal discernment and compassion - the very things he needs to grow and achieve true happiness in life.

If, by some incredible chance, he wakes up before you give up on him, he's left with a slow, humbling journey if he wants to get back what he threw away.

None of these futures sound like something to look forward to. What do you think?

It may not happen in your desired timeframe...but it will happen.

Let go, and let God, as some smart poster here has said.

TA

any heart to hearts with MIL since his trip?
any insight there?

Wanting and trying to get this information would be COMPLETELY understandable.

But not Plan B. You're not worried about what he does, right?

Lilsis,
He may be feeling turmoil, he may not. We don't know what he's feeling. Even if he is in the most turmoil you can imagine it doesn't matter unless he is ending the affair, ending all contact with the OP and ready to go down the long hard road of recovery. Everything else is just crumbs. To want to know that he is suffering makes you human and I don't blame you for that. However, I would suggest keeping the focus on YOU and how well you are doing. Look at YOU. You have been to Chicago on a fun filled trip, you are heading to D.C. with your boys for spring break! That is progress! The more you focus on YOU the less you will be concerned with WH and what he's doing or how he is feeling. It all means nothing unless and until he ends contact forever with RT. No matter what he is feeling, until he stops the affair for good, focus on YOU. Plan B protects you from all of the strategizing, analyzing, speculating, etc. Enjoy your time away from all of the drama.

There's two things going on here...and I even said it in my earlier post. I know that Plan B is supposed to be about me, and as robertswife pointed ut, I've been doing some fun things on my own and with the boys. I've got the new job. I was outside cleaning up the back flower garden this afternoon while DS8 shot baskets. I've got a long busy day at work tomorrow, a conference in Detroit on Thurs. and Fri. and stuff I need to do to get ready for the trip.

I'm engaged, I'm living life.

But still...there's just this pain, this deep, deep sense of loneliness and loss.

Come on...it's just way, way too simplistic to say, "don't think about it or it's not Plan B." If I could flip the switch I could. I would have flipped the switch nine months ago to shut off the pain. But the only way to do that is to stop feeling anything at all...death. That's not an option, so I'm stuck here living with it every single day. I just hate it. I'm so sick of it.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I am really so fortunate. Really fortunate.

To close the book on this chapter of my life, turn the page, start a new one....I just want to be happy again, my old self, smiling and laughing, confident in the love of people around me, trusting.

Oh jeez. I started sobbing as I wrote that. The boys are right here doing their homework. The boys came right over to me and were hugging me, DS8 started singing in a whisper the song WH and I would always sing to him when he was a baby, "You are my sunshine" but he ended it with..."please don't take my mommy away."

DS11 was hugging me too and asked if I'd like some water, I said yes, and he brought me one of the little Ikea cups that everyone has, filled with water and a couple of ice cubes. Then he asked if I would like him to make me some tea.

Then DS8 picked up his little book of Children's Bible stories that he's been reading and says, "God loves you, Mom."

See, there's God showing me how fortunate I am. And I feel like such an INGRATE that I still mourn what I lost, what I can't have....what I am beginning to believe I will never have.

For some reason, it just feels like the end. Everything I see, hear, smell...everything seems to remind me of what I have lost. And it has NOTHING to do with this alien.

I am so ungrateful. And I almost hate myself for being so weak as to let this loss eat me up so much, to allow myself to be so sad, to let this betrayal eclipse all that is wonderful in my life. Because I put on a great show to just about everyone. A few people here and there see glimpses of the hurt, but no one really knows the breadth and depth of it. There's really no one to share that with, except IC, and he's...well...my IC.

Anyway...thanks for letting me vent that out here.

Lex: I spoke to MIL briefly about the email thing...she really didn't have much to say other than be disgusted by the email...she did mention how she is so torn up and barely recognizes him, and then she thinks about how she clothed him and gave birth to him... This sounds mean but there's his automatic free pass. I guess I'm feeling negative about everything at the moment.

(((((LilSIs)))

We know your pain. It's not easy and pain free to let go of someone. It hurts like ******.

And in my opinion it's okay to vent here, We're here,

Just think of this as a little dip in the rollercoaster ride.

Still

Lilsis, we ALL have this turmoil, and all I can say is that it gets easier to handle these moments with time. You are doing a FABULOUS Plan B. You are focusing on what YOU can do to spend your days with your sons and what YOU can do to have fun.

There is NOTHING that will erase what has happened to you, or any 'switch' to turn this off.

I understand that need for your WH to SEE the pain he's causing by FEELING a morsel of it himself.

In my experience, there is absolutely NO WAY that Plan B ISN'T having some affect on your WH. I'm a believer that they (WS's) have to bottom out. Part of his descent is knowing that you are not there to catch him this time.

Look, no matter what we say here, you will still have thoughts about WH, you will still question if he is thinking of you, if your H is in there, and if he will be coming home. You will question how long you can go on. Feel free to come here and to vent those thoughts and feelings. Feeling safe in Plan B is, by no means, immediate. It takes great patience to attain peace.

Again, Sis, you are an amazing testament to working the Plans. I have heard that Plan A RARELY is the end to an affair. Plan B usually is implemented, and, when done well, can lead to recovery. I try to remind myself on the regular that my WH is NO DIFFERENT than MANY if not ALL of the WS's we have heard about here. We all have our doubts. We all are fogged out enough to believe the WS mumbo jumbo for a while, but that clears in the darkness of Plan B.

Carn3:

you asked this:



I don't have a clue to what going on his mind right now. On DDay, I was gone from OW.

Never contemplated my existence because Mrs LG went silent with me.

I contemplated my existence during the A, and knew I wanted out. And one day, because of Curtains, I found my way out.

I have that faith in LS WH. I still BELIEVE.

But I have to defer to Mimi to describe what her WH was like. Also Marsh/KiwiJ/Mrs W as Waywards who did come home, long after DDay.

Pretty short list of formerly wayward husbands around here. I wonder about that. But thats for another thread.

LS:

Chin up. The Cherry Blossoms should be in full swing when you get here...

Sorry you have to go to Det-riot...


LG

Dear Sweet Lil Sis,

Let him (WH) go for now!
BYE! BYE! SEE YA! WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA!
Take the best care of those lovely boys! Take even better care of Lil Sis!
WH will be back, just you wait and see!
Unfortunately, I was too young and inexpirenced in the ways of marriage to fight for my first marrriage, (FOO, religion)
What a tangled web we weave!
Be your true magical self!

Your MB Friend!

PGA

I feel like I sound like a BROKEN RECORD.

But the key for me was ACCEPTANCE.

Yes. I was in pain a lot...just like you, Sis...I never really functioned all that WELL, I think, during PLAN B..but I SURVIVED...

What helped me a lot was to really try to CONTROL MY THINKING...I decided as Robertswife says..NOTHING WOULD SUFFICE OTHER THAN HIM ENDING THE AFFAIR..so NOTHING ELSE MATTERED...

I would LITERALLY SHAKE MY HEAD..when I began thinking about HIM and it was OFTEN..there were a lot of HEAD SHAKES...

I STAYED SUPER BUSY...

And as others have said, there's no telling what he is thinking or doing..it does not matter..HE IS WITH HER AND NOT WITH YOU...and he is NUTS...and will be NUTS for a LONG WHILE...

I don't know if it is helpful or not to hear this again but I will say it..

My H most definitely was in love with the other woman. Their affair lasted two years. He was giving up EVERYTHING for her..EVERYTHING... He told me that IT WAS OVER. He said he didn't love me anymore, never loved me.

NOW he is the sweetest, kindest man who ABHORS AFFAIRS and how his AFFAIR almost DESTROYED HIM...

So change CAN HAPPEN..and it did HAPPEN once he began to SUFFER and reached HIS BOTTOM...

But when I was in your position..none of that mattered..

As ROB'S WIFE has stressed, I FOCUSED ON MYSELF and making it through EACH DAY...I FOCUSED on being PRETTY and making my house PRETTY...and surrounded myself with as much POSITIVITY as possible in MUSIC and SMELLS and FLOWERS that I PLANTED, etc...

Mimi you're my plan B hero...

I want to be like you when i grow up (and I hope my plan B ends like yours)

Still

I'll tell you something else, Sis, at this point I would settle for being my son's hero.

LG - Sorry for misunderstanding your sitch.... You always speak with such wisdom and insight that I just assummed that differently. Your insight is always so welcomed.

Sis - Your partner betraying you is the WORST thing a human being can live through - instead of concentrating on the enormity of it all, I try to point out easier things to just get by. I, in no way, try to make light of your situation.

I truly wish that there was something, anything that I could do to make it all go away for you.

Dear Heavenly Father - Please surround our angel LilSis with peace and love. Continue to look down on her and her darling sons and watch over them for us. In this we pray.

You're right. It's easy to say and hard to implement. It's not criticism--it's coaching. I think you're doing great and don't mean to criticize at all.

If you read my thread, you will see that RIGHT NOW I am overanalyzing my WW's latest email and trying to figure out what it means and what's going on in her head. Not very Plan B. But I think that, like you, I am doing a pretty good Plan B. I also know that I would be happier if I was able to let it go and not worry about WW.

lil sis
i read your posting every day and i know that what you are feeling is the worst thing in your life right now but know that you are helping others as well as you vent and be upset.
our timeline is about the same when the affairs started but my DH i think is playing mind games with me. i think it would be easier if he was hateful and spiteful but no he is kind and worries about me and still says he loves me even though he is living with OW. my day to day is up and down to the point where i just feel i do go crazy. i feel for what you said you want him to feel what you are feeling. because i want that too. because even though i have my daughter and my mom with me i still feel very alone at times. more often than not. you miss the compainship between to people at least it is for me. when you wrote that your sons hugged you and wanted you to smile i think of the times i tried to keep my emotions under control in front of my daughter even though she will be 16 next week she worries alot about me. she gives me a hug when she see that i am upset. most of the time i hide in the bathroom and take a long hot bath till it passes. and i noticed her feelings for her dad is a emotional roller coaster as well. one day she loves him and the next minute that he is so stupid. and she hates him for doing this to us. i talk alot to her about her feelings.
anyway i am going off the subject what i was orginally writing about.
i just want to thank you for your posting of your feelings and when you vent because it makes alot of us here realize we are not going crazy and it is a normal thing for what we are going thru. even though we dont know the out come of anybodys situation just know that we love you and we are supporting you in what ever it is.
i sending a big cyber hug to ya!
i will think of you in my prayers as well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />