Sis,

Let the memories be what they ARE, not what you thing they WERE. It happened the way you remember, the smiles the laughs the hugs the LOVE; it all happened. Don't try to dissect it, just let it lay.

When you see a pic or hear some snippet of video, let it be what was recorded in history, don't add a spin to it because of recent events, because, back then, these events weren't even a part of your life. Now, I do understand having the memories DURING the A being tarnished, but that time does not encompass your entire history.

I do not envy my WH right now, for he has come up against Mama Bear, and she is angry. I like what Pep said about being the moral authority for your kids. You are their touchstone, always will be.

It's early yet, Sis, and a good M isn't built in a day...

SB ~ what a beautiful post


Bless you, carnation

LilSis-
I just wanted to tell you that I too struggle with the memories... Was it all a lie? Was I the one that was in la-la land?

But, I have come to realize that no, they WERE real memories, they are still good memories. The WH will try to paint a differnt picture to justify what they are doing. But one day he will remember too. He will feel bad about it all. You may not know it, but he will.

It is sad, it is a grieving process. It is hard. It is so hard to just 'let go' of what you built. But in a way you have to let go of the past, and start building your future, and your here and now. Live for the present for you, don't despair the past. Don't question the past. It WAS true, the love you shared, the memories. Lock them up tight in your mind, the real ones, not the ones that got changed because you tried to over analyze what went wrong, when it went wrong.

I know that it hurts too that he does not seem like he cares at all. But, I can assure you that it is bothering him that you have held your end of the plan b. He probably never expected that.

You are a wonderful, strong woman! You are doing a GREAT job with yourself, your kids. You have their best interest at heart, and that is a great thing. A lot of people today do not do that, and I think that it is great of you that you do.

I know it is hard to just let go, can you think of him like he does not exist anymore? I do that with my WH, and it helps me. I am not in plan B yet, but in my interactions with him I now just kind of think to myself, "this is not my H, this is an imposter who LOOKS like him." I will not lie, I even have pretended that he died (how horrible of me) in order to prevent myself from calling him months back. Do what it takes to get (within reason of course LOL) yourself detached from him, and the memories, so that you can keep yourself, and your good, real memories safe.

You are doing great, you are an inspiration to many!

Sadmo

Sis-- you okay?

Hi...I'm fine, meggy, thanks. I was in Detroit for a conference yesterday and today. I got home this afternoon in time to spend a couple of hours with the boys before WH picked them up for the weekend.

SB: please do not stop praying for my marriage. I think those of you here are the only ones who are, besides me.

I'm feeling a little down as I always do when the boys leave. It was a beautiful afternoon, so the boys and I were out shooting baskets. About the time the WH was to arrive, I stopped playing to sit and watch from a position out of sight of the driveway. As soon as DS11 said, "Dad's here!" I told them goodbye and walked into the house, out of sight from any windows (I had given the boys hugs and kisses earlier and explained that I'd be going right in). No contact.

They were pulling out of the driveway within a couple of minutes.

So tomorrow will be four weeks of Plan B.

So now it's time again to concentrate on me and the boys. Get ready for the trip. While in Detroit, I lived a little...a few of us when to the casino...one of my friends actually plays poker and she won $20. My other friend and I stuck $5 in the 2 cent slot machine and had a blast for an hour laughing at each other as we would lose, then win, then lose, then win (and we would do this little dance with our arms). So we know how to live it up or what?

Just a new experience that I have never had (and probably won't again soon...not my thing and very smoky, yuck).

But two different people told me over the two days that I looked down....and they said it when I wasn't even FEELING particularly down. I wonder if it's just showing on my face somehow.

I felt anxious coming home, and anxious when I got here, anxious until the boys left.

I still feel like the grieving is not even close to being over. Part of the grieving is reconciling those memories of my past (pre-A) with what has happened (since A began as well as d-day).

I'm still clinging to that self-talk about how he DID love me until--all confident in his self-restraint and wanting to get some ENs met--he got rather unexpectedly sidetracked on the path that he can no longer escape, nor does he really WANT to escape.

I DO believe that he was a good man, admirable, honorable, generous, caring...he was all of that. I guess I also believe (maybe I need to turn this into "I KNOW I believe") the spirit of that man cannot stay "lost" forever.

As much as I don't feel like it some days, I DO know that I will live. I will suck it up, keep walking, and move forward, doing what needs to be done. My fear is that I won't find happiness or joy...that I'll live with these twinges of regret and sadness FOREVER.

However, I honestly fear more for WH. He's not sucking anything up, he's not putting one foot in front of the other, he's not doing what needs to be done. He's falling, sinking, and letting everything and everyone go, heading for bottom. I don't know that he WILL live...or at least that any fragment of who he WAS will live. It could be that he's fallen into a bottomless pit, or that once he hits bottom, he'll choose to stay there.

Given that, what must HE fear? Maybe nothing, but I sure fear for him. While I just worry about my happiness...he must worry about his eternal soul. He must worry about his most binding and most enduring relationships with family and friends. He must worry about his relationship with his boys. And if he's not facing those fears, he must be using a TON of energy to keep them at bay.

I can see why it would be easier for my H to just give it up. Commit emotional suicide.

It has ALSO been a month since I have had a night off at home without the boys. I'm going to go pamper myself. I had a ton of really yummy sushi last night (more stretching!!) and some unbelieveable chocolate cheesecake...so tonight is cereal for dinner and a bubblebath and a movie.

And MORE self-talk like the above. It's not my fault and I do not deserve this. I can't change the past. My husband did love me, he has just made a terrible, terrible mistake. I am a good mom, and my boys feel loved and secure with me. I am great at my job. I will make it through this. One day at a time, one hour at a time, whatever it takes.

Sound good?

Sorry for babbling.

{{{Sis}}} Glad you had a good trip. I was kinda worried but I forgot you had that conference! I love going to the casino, when I can.

Now to more serious matters. I may get 2x4'd for saying this but it's just what I believe... Of course your grieving is not over! Your marriage is not dead.

It's like when someone is in the hospital after a serious car accident. They may be barely hanging on but they aren't dead. The doctors give nothing but bad reports and dire predictions that the patient will never pull through. All the odds are against it. Well-meaning friends counsel to "just accept it, there's nothing you can do. Look at all the damage!" But you pray. And you pray. And then... (dum, dum, da, dum) a miracle! The patient starts getting better. Little by little... the doctors are scratching their head. By golly, I thought this patient was too far gone to EVER recover. But the patient does. Eventually the patient is returned home to family and friends and continues to recover. There is pain in the recovery but each day gets a little better.

I'm praying for a miracle for the patient in your life.

Have a good weekend!

Thanks, meggy.

God works little (and big!) miracles every day. I think saving WH will take a big miracle, but it is certainly NOT beyond His capabilities!

And my marriage is NOT dead...not in my eyes. Unfortunately, it is dead in WH's eyes and he's got the coffin and the flowers all picked out.

Here's my need to "control" speaking: I wish that it could take something slightly less than a "miracle" to save my marriage. I wish psychology or reality or love could save it....because those are things that *I* can do!

But you are SO right meggy. Only God can work miracles.

Too bad that for me, "miracle" sounds like such a long shot, so "one in a million." (Dang, maybe I spent a little too much time at that casino yesterday!) It's like a Hail Mary pass.

Maybe I need to think about the miracle of my boys' smiles, the miracle of the sound of the finches and how they are starting to turn bright yellow like they do every year, the miracle of the daffodils that bloomed while I was gone, or the miracle of laughter and delight that I shared with my friend at the goofy slot machine.

So here's a question: Can God work miracles in people who don't want them? I know God can chage someone if he/she asks for His help, but what about someone who doesn't ask for the miracle? Can God perform the miracle of getting someone to SEEK His grace?

I think I'll got take a bubble bath and ponder that.

I listened to Dennis Prager's Happiness Hour today. He is a radio talk show host who has a segment every Friday he calls the Happiness Hour. You can listen to it by going to the link below and scrolling down the page to where it says the today's date and Happiness Hour:

Dennis Prager's Happiness Hour Friday March 30, 2007

He talks about how we can manufacture our own happiness.

Hi LilSis. I just popped in to MB to see how you're doing. I see I have to pray harder.

{{{LilSis}}}

A,
I knew you were lurking. I felt your presence.


Sis,
I believe in two types of miracles. There are miracles of God Himself, where he intervenes in a way that is so profound that it cannot be denied as less than a miracle of His making. For example, when He raises His hand and parts the Red Sea to free His people. Or when He sends His angels or saints to intercede on His behalf, and they perform miracles that defy explanation, except for us to say, "It was a miracle of God."

The other miracles I would say are miracles wherein God uses His people to intercede on His behalf, in ways which we may never even know we were used. Like when we say "hello" to a stranger, and that one word makes him feel better that day, so he doesn't lose heart and do something self-destructive, and a series of events goes on from there in his life that are positive ---- that kind of miracle, that we don't even know about. Maybe we choose not to rent an apartment on 4th Street, but instead move in next door to a single mother that we befriend and help her through our friendship to become a better mom, and ultimately she ends up going to church with you.

There's a quote about these types of miracles: "Miracles are provided by those who temporarily have more, to those who temporarily have less." I believe in this kind of miracle. There are days when I have "more patience" and need some "self-esteem" from someone else. And along comes a person who boosts me in the self-esteem department, and maybe I do something for someone in the patience dept.....God working his mysterious magic in minor miracles without us ever realizing it.

Whichever kind comes your way, the big miracle or the little one, I pray for that, too. Because miracles don't have to be big and fancy to get the job done. God does tiny things, sometimes in ways we never realize, and He uses some of His children to lead His other children as He needs us. Maybe WH will benefit from one of the "lesser" miracles. Maybe not. But it is all in God's plan, and we are to ask God for the outcome, not the method.

You see, God already knows how to get these things done. We don't need to tell Him how we would like Him to do it. He sort of already has His plan........... ;-)

And there is no way for us, with our little brains, to be able to orchestrate all the little things we would need to do to set up even the lesser miracle - that's why we have to trust God to do it...........besides, He's got more practice!

You said you like visuals, or analogies.

Think about asking God for ice cream. You don't need to say anything else. HE knows what flavor you want, how much, how cold, whether you want it in a cone or a cup, if you want sprinkles or whipped cream or a cherry on top. He also knows how to get it delivered, where and when, and how much to tip the delivery man.

Your job is to wait expectantly for a delivery. And not to be too surprised if God sends you something other than ice cream, because down the road, He has a plan for you to use whatever He sent instead of ice cream.

Place your order, and trust that what He sends is the correct fulfillment of the order. Even if it's not what YOU asked for, or received by YOUR due date.





SB

Hi SB,

You felt my presence? Through the Internet? That's remarkable.

Spot on about the two kinds of miracles. I was going to mention the conversion of St. Paul....

A,

I thought about you two weeks ago. Again today. And three or four days ago.

I was worried about you at one point, but then thought that you were just taking a break. I see now that you have been praying.

I hope that you are feeling more peaceful.

SB

Those are, if memory serves me, precisely the three times I've lurked in the last month. Amazing. Your intuition is flawless.

Did you need me for something?
You were worried about me? That's kind of you. I guess you didn't see my announcement that I wouldn't be around very much anymore.

I've been praying for LilSis and other MBers in the course of daily life.

Lil Sis,

I have never posted to you but I've read your challenges and admire your courage. Your willingness to persevere in spite of great difficulties is an inspiration to many like me who may have read but have not posted. Thank you. (Glad you could laugh in the casino.)

Athanasius,

SOOOOO glad to see you pop in....you and Bob P were two who I wanted to thank. Did you see that I seem to have killed your good-by thread? Please let me know if you saw how much I appreciated your bumping Bob's thread for me....and I got to tell him thanks this week, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ace

A: Thank you for checking in. It means a lot. I will go read Acts. See? You just gave me some direction. Maybe I will read something in there that will speak directly to my soul tonight.

SB: It's still about trusting God...going up against my need to "control" and know the outcome. A big part of that is that is rejoicing in the gifts that God has given me...good friends, my children, the chance to go on this trip with the boys and my sister...

If my focus is on what I HAVE, as opposed to what I do NOT HAVE, focus on the present instead of what I have lost, on the gifts that are in front of me...but that takes such a conscious, deliberate effort, and sometimes I can't stop those negative thoughts from creeping in. It's hard.

And in a way, it feels like I'm turning my back on H. Giving up on him and on us. I've even felt--a little--as if there is less "hope" here on MB...?? I am THAT hypersensitive. No one IRL "believes" anymore, I don't even think MIL believes anymore.

Oh, well, Acts and a bubble bath await. That's a way to focus on me.

I need to add back my signature line..I CERTAINLY BELIEVE!!

"Anything is POSSIBLE when you BELIEVE"..

[color:"blue"] Sis [/color]



WH has [color:"brown"]TURD vision [/color] .... everything is [color:"brown"] TURD-color[/color] in his eyes ....

[color:"blue"]The man who has lost his moral compass can't be the man you ask for directions ... he's lost his true north , don't lose yours !

Pep [/color]

Hi Ace!

I did see your "thank-you." You're very welcome. MB's strange since I want to help the suffering but can't do much besides applaud, analyze, and quote the Bible. You're one person I know I did help -- even if was just a bump of the right thread at the right time.

I don't think you killed my goodbye thread. It just vanished down the page, out of sight.

I haven't observed that.


They don't know what you know. What the Harleys have learned and preached. Hang in there, LilSis.

That's a GREAT way of looking at it. I have spent far too much time viewing myself, my worth, my loveable-ness through his turd lenses.

Why do I allow myself to DO that?? And FALL for it? Yuck.

Thanks, mimi. You are the True Believer!