Sis, I think you're moving into the good ol' fashioned anger phase. This is perfectly normal and should be controlled but not repressed or stuffed down. I think you were dead right that MIL is becoming a target for this normal anger since WH is not in reach.

What would you find to be a good release for this anger (that wouldn't get you put in the pokey again? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

Mulan - only not in the pokey and/or in Tent City, Arizona on the women's chain gang picking up trash by the side of the road because *she* didn't get caught

Calling MIL 'weak' seems to me to make a harsh judgement.

I suspect that MIL is struggling to be 'fair' to everyone, and is very reluctant to cause additional pain. It seems to me that most people flounder when they find themselves put on the spot in an ethical crisis; few of us have ever asked ourselves the hard questions in advance, and even fewer ever have to.

I doubt if MIL sees herself as assisting her son in sin; she probably believes quite wholeheartedly that she's ameliorating the pain for her grandsons and LS, and offering a halfway house that makes it a shorter journey back to LS for WH, than if he were living with RT.

We don't know what MIL's beliefs are. If she sees a wife's role as being kind, gentle and essentially passive, then LS's Plan B must be shocking the sh*t out of her.

For many people, the biggest sin of all is to hurt someone. They just haven't thought too hard about what 'hurt' really means.

TA

I have obviously been of your same frame of mind, MEDC; I understand your perspective. It's just not emotionally healthy for me to sustain that...if that makes any sense.

I have shared my anger with her. But just like a WS, it does not result in any change in behavior.

So that leaves me at a crossroads. Do I accept her love for me (which I believe is sincere)...knowing that she is a flawed human being who is quite likely doing the best that she can?

Or, do I reject her and her love for me...unwilling to accept that she has flaws and limits and weaknesses just like the rest of us?

As much as I would like for her to do things MY way, she has her own limitations and life experiences that I know nothing about.

Either way, she will FOREVER be my boys' grandmother. If for that reason alone, I need to make the most of this relationship. If everything with WH continues to go south, and I'm on the outs with ILs, where does that leave me? Where does that leave the boys?

In addition, I truly value MIL and love her. I do not like how *I* feel when the resentment and anger is unleashed on her...when she is truly not the perpetrator. She's a victim, too. I don't agree with how she is responding, and I do believe she is enabling WH...but that MAY change at some point in the future, and I choose not to alienate her or lose this bond completely because of how she is dealing with this TODAY.

I also need to be aware of the influence of FIL on this...this is a very patriarchal family....

I'm trying to GROW...not be SMALLER...??? I have to live this life that I've been given. Do I take the good WITH the bad, or toss the good along with the bad?

I've had enough bad that I feel like I need to hold on to what's good...and accept that good doesn't mean perfect.

Missed all the posts above mine.

Just wanted to add that I DO BELIEVE that MIL thinks she is doing what is right and loving. This is her opinion. It is MY opinion that what she thinks is right and loving is enabling...so we clearly have a difference of opinion.

She may have other reasons as well...keeping WH from RT's house; continuing to have an "influence" on WH; abiding by her H's wishes; heck...maybe she wants someone in the house to make sure the pipes don't burst while they are in AZ. Who knows? I do not know what is in her heart of hearts.

I can accept her or reject her. My choice. She has the same choice.

Sure does make sense.

I've been there myself.



That's it in a nutshell.

Very well put.

There are plenty of times in our lives where we have to take a stand.

Make tough choices.

Cut people out of our lives.

And then there are other times where something different is required...needed.

~ Marsh

It is in the best interest of your marriage building strategy .... to keep your relationship with in-laws tidy and clean.

You can (without compromising your core values) be

kind
attentive
friendly
polite
non-demanding

etc

there is NO GOOD REASON TO OUTCAST ~~~YOURSELF~~~~ based on anything of critical importance that they have done or failed to do

YOU be the daughter-in-law they love to see ... the one they enjoy talking to ... the one who sends them goodies .....

doesn't this make sense ..... simply on a strategic level?

you have a not-so-perfect ally in his parents .... but IN RECOVERY .... you will need their support

so make the MOST out of what you DO HAVE

Sis ... do not abandon the not-perfect relationship

MAKE IT WORK

Pep

I see where you are coming from Pep and Marsh... I just think that growth is stunted and chances at recovery are hurt by maintaining a more than casual relationship with the IL's. I think they if they see what they stand to lose by not taking a stand... they are more likely to do it.
If Lilsis keeps up the relationship, the MIL may get the impression that even if the WH leaves his family and marries RT that they will still be family. IMHO, if RT EVER is given access to the parents home, that would be the very last time that I would say one word to them. While I don't think that needs to be communicated right now... what I do feel needs to be communicated is that Lilsis... while holding her H accountable for everything he does... will also make sure that anyone that contributes to the behavior of her WH will be considered a combatant.
My father would have expressed extreme disappointment in me for that type of behavior... and guess what... I would have deserved it and expected it from a man of such character. I tell my son... even at his young age... that if he ever acts in a way that is disrespectful to his family (when he is married) or hurts others, that he will answer to me... be it at 15 or 30 years old.

Just my opinion that infidelity causes people to take sides...and sometimes that means taking sides against your family... for their own good.

MEDC

eta... I don't see the need for the IL's during recovery... I see the need now.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> MEDC


hunny, ya know I luv ya

BUT

as a person who did the "recovery after adultery" thing-y in my marriage ... unless the parents are evil ... it is awesome to have their full support for the marriage recovery

BTDT ~~~> got the T-shirt

MY parents supported our recovery
Hubby's parents did too

recovery is hard ... and family gatherings are as awkward as azz early in recovery .... it is goooooooood to have their support

Pep

been there done that too(first time around)... and yes, it is nice to have their support at that point... but it is needed NOW.

It would be great if she had their support now, but she doesn't. She has as much as they can give, which is not as much as LS wants.

Deep down, what LS wants is WH to wake up and come home. It's apparent that WH won't listen to LS, but ILs are his parents--surely he'll listen to THEM. They must have SOME influence over him. But ILs can't make him wake up or make him do anything. In our conscious minds, we know this.

There are some things that ILs COULD do, however. ILs are not doing them. We don't know exactly why--maybe because they think they are doing the right thing, maybe they know what the right thing to do is but can't bring themselves to do it, maybe they know they can't influence him any more than LS can. We don't know. He is their son. This situation is not uncommon.

I would try to accept this as a given. They are doing what they are doing. This is what you can expect. Now choose what you are going to do with it. If you had a valuable relationship with MIL, then keep it. Like I said before, the advice you're getting from Pep and Marsh is excellent.

Your scenario and frustrations with ILs are very similar to mine. I have a lot of anger, but as Mulan says, it may be misplaced.

We have talked about similarities in our personalities before. We are both fixers. We think the ILs should be a tool to help fix this problem and get angry when they aren't. Anger comes from the discrepancy between [one's perception of] the way things should be and [one's perception of] the way they are. Take a step back and consider what you want from ILs and what they are able to give. Then move forward.

(((LS)))

SD...you said it. Accept this situation as a given. It is what it is. I can't fix it and I can't make them fix it either. Ultimately, it's up to WH anyway. I would LIKE for ILs to kick him to the curb now, but they aren't going to.

What I want vs. what they are able to give.

My choice: I'll take what I can get even if it's not what I want.

When I returned from my meeting tonight, there was a VM from MIL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She was thinking about me and wondering about our trip, but was heading out and wouldn't be back until really late, our time.

I called back and left a VM for her...how happy I was that she called, that I had been thinking of her as well, feeling badly that I unleashed any anger and frustration on her before our trip and had been doing much thinking about that--it was unfair and misdirected and I wanted to apologize. Also that I couldn't wait to tell her about our trip; we had a wonderful time and I wanted to tell her all about it and have the boys tell her about it. Love you, talk to you soon...bye.

I think we will be okay. I really feel comfortable telling her--when we talk next--that I just can't talk to her about WH...it's just too hard for me, so can we just ignore the elephant in the room...or if not ignore it, at least avoid stepping in the [censored]? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Another BLESSING..a PERSONAL TOUCH from HIM..to YOU..

Isn't hearing from her EXACTLY what YOU NEEDED today?

Atta-girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OMG... no really... Oh My God... He's so awesome... hitting the nail right on the head. I agree Mimi... think about it Sis.

Yes!

well...I could have gone for H showing up on my doorstep, telling me that he has been held captive by his evil twin (separated at birth) for the past three years, and just now escaped and has come back to rescue me from the evil twin, who has been masquerading as WH all this time!

Maybe tomorrow...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

eta: not to make light of God working...I just enjoy the feeling of feeling like making a joke!

i fully understand your frustration when it comes to mil. mine said she is staying neutral and she loves us both and knows that i am hurting and i can talk to her anytime if it is to vent some. she said that is her son and she loves him to even though he is not making the best decsions right now. she is in shock like me because this is what my fil did to her and Dh seen what the that can lead to. she said that she feels that he is going thru a severe depression she said she is not justify his actions. but she knows her son is not the person he is now. she said that she knows that he is not happy but yet there is nothing she can do. he is a grown man and he has to be held accountable for the actions that he does whether they are good or bad. she said that she knows when he finally comes to his senses that it will be too late and the damage will be done. but she said she will never stop loving me. i do believe what she says i feel she is in bad situation for everyone. my daughter says that mil dont really speak to OW she will stay in another room or just a few words here and there. they dont never invite her out with them they always ask me .
so do believe that your mil feelings are true and she dont really have any control over her son. as a mother i am sure you wouldnt stop loving your sons for bad decsions you can only lead them to the right path it is up to them whether they choose it or not.
just remember you have support here. it feels good too see that so many people love and understand what is going on. that you are not some crazy person. i know i need reassured all the time on that..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
your in my prayers
bsj220

Ahh... a change in your MIL... she called. I think that is great on two fronts. First, I know you value your relationship with her and were very happy to hear from her. Next... I think she heard you when you expressed your anger prior to leaving on your trip. How long had it been since SHE initiated a call like that??? Months? I think people sometimes need a kick in the pants to get them to see that their actions are harming others. Perhaps you gave her that wake up call before your trip.

MEDC

bsj: I also need to know that I am not a crazy person! All these feelings are so unfamiliar, it is hard to know if they are REALLY normal, or if I'm nuts. I thank God that I have you all here to constantly affirm that these feelings ARE normal.

MEDC: Actually, in that conversation prior to my trip I DID point out to MIL that I had initated every phone call for months. I was really harsh. I told her that I believe that she loves me, but how has she demonstrated that through actions? More than once, I have called her in tears, sobbing over some hurt...and she doesn't call the next day or two just to check and see how I am...and I have been hurt by that...left questioning her feelings for me.

Anyway...I'm starting from a new place now.

Yes, I remember you doing that. I think your being harsh with her got your point across and hence her phone call to you when you returned. I think you did well to communicate your feelings to her in the manner that you did.

I am glad you are finding peace in your understanding/acceptance of MIL.

MEDC

Sis ~

My ILs were my biggest supporters during my husbands affair.

I had to learn that they got to choose how to support me best, and they had to choose how to relate with their son.

They told me that I would always be their daughter, and the mother of their grandchildren.

When I was disabled and helpless, they came almost every day to clean, and cook and fix things and care for my boys.

BUT they did NOT cut off their son. I didn't see it as enabling - he was their flesh and blood, their first born.

What they said to their son - was that what he was doing was wrong. That they would always love him, and he was always welcome in their home. They also told him that the bimbo would never be welcome.

And that was that. They loved me the best they could. They loved him the best they could.

It turns out, that was enough.

Now my husband wasnt living with them, he had his own place. But my husband was pressured by just knowing that they loved me, would not reject me, did not approve and would not accept the interloper in our marriage was enough.

Their stance WAS NOT enabling. It worked.