My thought, too. It sounded to me like he was emphasizing the "with my boys" and is probably trying to convince *himself* that he's looking forward to it.

I'm picturing him with tightly gritted teeth saying to himself that "I'm REEELY REEELY looking forward to going on a vacation without my wife and I'm just SOOO happy that I'm going without her and see how VERY VERY HAPPY I am?"

So, who gets to take the boys the first week of August?

And how do we know he's not going on these vacations with Rat Turd?
Mulan

It isn't Super-Dad.

It is a lie of some sort - a lie of omission, a lie of partly-truth, something. A lie there.

I hate those, because there is something underneath that the writer has left out, and I haven't spoken to the person and can't give you the information you need.

My mind offers many possibilities, but only speculation, all.

Somehow, I don't think he has the cottage. That would require a lot of planning on his part - and he seems fairly passive and not much of a planner.......and if he could rub your nose in it, wouldn't he? If he were so evil that he were to have planned so far in advance to undermine your plans, get the cottage during your week, have RT there with the kids, and grab it out from under you.....why not rub your nose in it openly??????

I don't know. Seems unlikely. But, worth a check nonetheless.

We can speculate all we want about his words...for fun (?). But I'm washing my hands of it. I have my response; let him stew in it for now. I'm in Plan B. Where he goes, when he goes, what he does on vacation is not my business unless it involves the boys, and I'll take him to court if I get a whiff that RT is part of it.

Because of his work schedule, he has tons of time off in the summer. He and RT will have plenty of time to spend together. I have no control, so choose not to think about it...so let's not talk about it. OK? Pointless.

I can relax for the MOMENT, enjoy the feeling of having had my button pushed and not giving him the satisfaction of a reaction.... and know that the fallout is likely to come.

My umbrella is handy...and I know you guys have got my back.

I can just see you UP THERE on that HIGH HORSE!!

Doesn't it feel GREAT..for NOW?

schoolbus --
what do you think of this possibility?

WH knows LS planned a vacation for those dates. So he deliberately scheduled his at the same time. Planning that LS won't let him have the boys, because he is taking a vacation with RT. But stating he wants the boys because he knows he can't have them -- and is therefore "off the hook" for being a bad dad and not spending his vacation time with his family.

follow me?

Yup. He gets to look like both a hero and a victim, *and* gets to torment LS at the same time. It's all payback for her taking the control away from him with Plan B. Perfect P/A strategy, right out of the textbook.

And I still think he's trying to convince himself of how much he's *really looking forward* to this vacation . . . grit teeth, grit teeth . . .
Mulan

It's ok to freak out. All of your feelings are OK - there aren't wrong feelings! You did great, you felt one thing, but did another and in exactly the right order.

All that me or anyone else (if I can presume to speak for others) is pointing out that you can protect yourself from some of the chaos and destruction of your day, if you are expecting and prepared for more crap being flung your way (just like the monkies at the zoo!).

Your husband is feeling the pain of your absense and is firing pot shots to see if he can make you stick your head out from behind the wall.

You were worried that he'd sail off into the sunset with RT, relieved that you had removed yourself? Haha! Look at him now! Hc's practically begging you to re-enter his life!

A man so content and happy, to engrossed in his own new wonderful relationship does not have time to make trouble with an absent wife.

Lex: I had that thought as well. Again, who knows. Can't do anything about it...won't go there...

He will still look like a jerk if he doesn't move he11 and high water to get another week with his boys. Signing up for vacation on the week that he KNEW I was planning on the boys--and doing so without checking--was a STUPID, SELFISH move, no matter how he slices it.

So stupid that there had to be something in it for him; it was NOT just a mistake or an oversight. No matter the intent...to provide "cover' for a planned vacation with RT, or "cover" for the fact that he rented the cottage out from under me, or trying to bully me/push me around, or just to provoke me...he is trying to CONTROL or manipulate SOMETHING (not sure what) to HIS liking.

Quite transparent, actually. The MOTIVE, unfortunately, is ambiguous.

If Lex's theory is correct, then at least I am saving the boys from being with the dad who doesn't REALLY want them to interfere with his vacation, anyway.

BR: I'm expecting it! Unfortunately, I will probably still freak when the crap gets flung (love the imagery)...simply because the TYPE of crap, and the direction from which it is flung, is always unknown. Might be gorilla crap, might be chimp crap, might be monkey crap. Might come from the right, or left, or above my head. It might come on a good day or a bad day.

No matter how prepared, it's still a shock when it hits. I'll be counting on you all here to help me; to remind me that it's just monkey crap....duck and cover.

And I am far from convinced that he's feeling the pain of my absence. He's more likely missing the chance to feel like he's calling all the shots. He's is accustom to having control (a cop, remember!). He's just pi$$ed that things aren't going his way; that people aren't asking how high when he says jump.

He's paying through the nose for CS and the house payment; he is being forced to go through FOC (I'm sure he's heard about that by now); he can't come into the house (don't know if he's tried the locks...my neighbor didn't see him while we were gone); he's not divorced yet (remember it was supposed to be this wha-la! thing); his REAL friends are more distant; his parents are disappointed; he has to ASK--thru a 3rd party!!!--to see his kids.

Methinks he doesn't like it much...and it's all MY FAULT...but it doesn't have anything to do with missing ME.

yes.
this is exactly what i thought.

Well, LK is a little more wordy than me...but I suppose this is okay since she is stuck in this crappy role.

I gave her my exact wording, and she altered it, and added to it:

The June vacation is fine, LS found out through SIL that it was already planned some time ago. As you know, through a previous verbal agreement between you and LS she already planned a vacation in August for her and the boys that week, so the 3rd through the 11th does not work. If you would like to choose another week in the summer to spend with the boys, please let me know as soon as possible and I will run it past LS.

WH, it would be nice for all of you if you were considerate enough to let LS know these things in a reasonable timeframe. LS finding out from SIL and the boys that a vacation is already planned is just not considerate. My opinion is for the sake of the boys you both need to both be considerate and work together. This is hard enough on everyone involved no one person needs to make it any harder.

Yikes...I hope he doesn't come back with something about my DC trip being inconsiderate...although the only "scheduled" time he missed out on with the boys while I was gone was the one Weds. afternoon that he would have had them. He had them the weekend prior and the Tuesday following our trip. In addition, I had the boys call him twice while we were gone.

Contrast that to him...taking off for AZ for three weeks without any regard to my schedule, and only calling the boys twice during that time...

LK did get my point about being very nice, calm, etc. I think the second paragraph is her reacting to being stuck in the middle. I probably shouldn't vent to her...

Another lesson learned...

morning.

i thought the same thing...i hope he doesn't come back w/ some crap about the DC trip and YOU being inconsiderate.... he might. i preferred the short,sweet, condensed version.
but,
in your friends defense...she did say it was HER opinion that both of you work together and not make the situation and harder......so i think you are off the hook there.

ok...time to move on.

...and technically I DO NOT have anything scheduled for that week currently. My point (that I had carefully worded in my text) was simply that we had verbally agreed that I had the boys that week. Period.

What I planned or had not planned to do with them is irrelevant.

And LK is not one to be told what to say, not when she has strong feelings about something. This I just know about her...so I am not especially surprised that she modified what I wrote. I just would have liked for her to have checked with me first; however, maybe it was a message to me as well...consciously or unconsciously...???

I did reply and thanked her again...and apologized for putting her in this awkward position.

You are right...moving on....

LK just emailed me back in response to my thank you...

She said her motto is (wait for it Pep)...

My motto is he is a mushroom ~~ I intend to keep him in the dark and feed him $hit!

ha ha ha ha

Pretty good description of Plan B, I'd say. And she's not even clued in to MB principles.

...and technically I DO NOT have anything scheduled for that week currently. My point (that I had carefully worded in my text) was simply that we had verbally agreed that I had the boys that week. Period.

Then why all the drama? Why the rants? Why the crying at work? Why waste so much energy on this stuff unless you are getting some kind of payout from all this drama?

It seems much-a-do about nothing, imho.

committed

It was MY emotional reaction, committed. We all react differently. For you, it may have not been worth a second thought. For me, it was a huge trigger.

Several reasons for my emotional reaction: WH essentially DICTATING when he will have the boys; WH disregarding what I had previously told him about my plans; the suspicion that WH may have secretly rented out the cottage when I had told him I intended to do so…

Anyway, for ME, plenty of reasons for reacting emotionally. And once I processed that emotional reaction, it cleared and I was able to articulate a reasoned response. I believe I was able to do that in large part because I WAS able to come here and emote and find support.

I think that's the purpose of this board for many, especially those of us who are in the thick of it.

LS;
In my opinion you used this board to perfection yesterday.

Something upset you -- and rather than react (in real life) or do anything impulsively -- you came here and sounded it all out.

Got great advice, took your time, and therefore the resulting actions you took were calm, and well-thought-out.

Thats perfect.

He can dictate all he likes...doesn't mean that what he says goes.

Practice saying "No, that's not going to work. Let me think about this and I'll get back to you".

At least until you have visitation written in stone.

Exactly! If I'd been able to do what you did yesterday when I was triggered, I would have saved myself and everyone else involved a world of grief.

Vent away! That's what we're here for. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yep. Well done.

It sounds like you're not totally comfortable with your intermediate changing your message, and I agree with you on that. But the intermediate gig is not an easy one, so I guess we have to take what we can get.