Offer to split the boys. You take DS11, he takes DS8.

I want to know what the cottage lady has to say...explain the situation, she may refund his deposit and take yours, its her cottage

Split the kids, Lexx? NO WAY!!

Sis, I still say that you should back FAR AWAY from this...

FLOOR HIM WITH YOUR DARKNESS....

Just like I moved OUT OF MY WONDERFUL HOUSE...WHICH I LOVED WHEN I SHARED IT WITH MY WHOLE FAMILY..INCLUDING MY HUSBAND!!

MOVE ON TO A NEW COTTAGE!!!

Well, I am risking wrath here Lilsis... but I think it is time to face facts that the man you are dealing with IS your H. He may have hidden his true nature to you for some time (as he is trying to do with everyone else right now) but I think his actions are defining the person he has become... while we all like to talk about addictions here... remember, he has a choice in what he is doing.

You should not bend one bit to meet his need to be the good daddy he likes to see himself as. I would verify the circumstances of the cottage with the owner and get the truth to your MIL. I see the only hope here is to bring to bear all of the power that his family (brothers, sisters and parents) can unload on him. Frankly, I don't know why they have not done some type of intervention as of yet...all of them sitting him down and laying out the despicable way he has been acting and the harm he is causing his children (and you).
IMHO... yes, there are differences in WS. They are evident here on this board everyday. While every single one of them is doing something that harms their families...it takes a special breed to be doing the things your H is doing.
The offer to split the boys is IMO, the absolute wrong thing to do.
Do not bend and give him this week. Just wait and see what the divorce agreement says regarding his time with the kids. Something tells me he is going to be shocked at how his role will be diminished.... how he has to check with you to get approval for things he takes for granted right now.
He is twisting this around on you Lilsis... don't let him. You can hold your head high... I doubt very highly he ever will.


Sorry you are having a rough time Lilsis...I know this stuff is tough to hear and even worse to feel.

MEDC

AGREED!!!

Not wrath, MEDC.. but STRONG DISAGREEMENT WITH YOU...

If I had held your POV, I definitely would have not recovered my marriage. There are NO FACTS that indicate that this is Sis' H. Like I've implied in my earlier post, my WH, did WORSE than this and it was NOT an indication of my H's personality. IT WAS HIS ADDICTION! Today he is terribly ASHAMED, EMBARASSED AND HURT by what he did when he was a WH!! There is definitely a such thing as an ADDICTED WH!! This may or may not be true of Sis' H but there is certainly such a thing. So it is not necessarily A FACT that this is an indication of her H's "TRUE NATURE". I don't LIKE TO TALK ABOUT ADDICTIONS. The ADDICTION is DISGUSTING AND TRAUMATIC to have experienced. I wish I never had to face it, live it or continue to see it HERE.



IMO, this does absolutely no good with an ADDICTED WH..but, of course, I see that you do not agree with this viewpoint. He will just walk away from his family as in the ROMEO AND JULIET SYNDROME..or whatever..and move closer toward RT if pushed at his point. He needs to personally suffer in PLAN B and not be provided with the ammunition to turn this on anyone else and try to gain sympathy from RT as a POOR VICTIM..."NO ONE LOVES ME BUT YOU, RT"...YUCK!!!



NO WAY!! My H has done MORE HORRIBLE THINGS than Sis' H..and is his SWEET, ADORABLE SELF AGAIN!!!

I suggested splitting them for a couple of reasons.

1st -- he does not devote enough attention to D8, and giving them a father/son vacation may help their relationship.

2nd -- it prevents him from taking a vacation with RT.

3rd -- I enjoy 1/1 time with my kids. I've taken my daughter on trips alone -- the best time EVER. I've taken my sons alone, wonderful memories!

Mimi, I am not searching for agreement with you on anything... addiction, IMO... takes away some of the responsibility for the CHOICES they make...
and interventions are used for people with addictions Mimi.
So, let me ask you a question Mimi... how many more YEARS does her H have to act this way before we can say that is the person he truly is??? How many more years?

I see your point, Lexx!!

I think Sis should stay out of this fight with him.

He's trying to pull her out of PLAN B..get her off course..and it is working..

See how he is focusing on this means of communication as being a problem???

yep...i agree. he doesn't like plan Ba nd is trying to get some control back!!
trying to bully you out of plan B!
he's such an arrogant $hithead......sorry....he ticks me off.
reminds me of my own H sometimes.

ignore his sarcasm.
simple response.
june is fine, you and the boys have other plans for that week in august.

this makes sense to me to some degree...but i worry....
what's to stop him from bring RT even if DS8 is there??

i am under the impression that he inteds to bring her (and probably HER KIDS) to the cottage either way.
that is who he rented the cottage for.....and half expects LS will let her boys join in on the NEW blended family fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

are we seriously expending energy on an August event...

seriously...is that what is going on...

that's a lot wasted emotion if you ask me....

I thought plan B was dark dark dark..

vacation in august...I'd file that in my Scarlett Ohara file...

fiddle dee dee I'll worry about that tomorrow.....

ARK

the problem is, the divorce will be final by then and I doubt that there will be any restrictions in the finalized custody that says kids can't be around RT or her kids. I would say that there is no way Lilsis should allow him to have the kids that week... not one kid... not both.

Sis,

Just remember none of this is URGENT.

We are talking about a vacation 4 months away.

Take your time. Responding to him after the weekend is no big deal. You have plenty of time to formulate your plan.

EXACTLY!!! YEAH, ARK IS BACK!!!

Plan B!!!!

you are all correct..... August is 4 months away....many things could change.

LS.. stay calm but wary of him.
I would stick w/ the fact that you have plans for that week in August. don't get wordy w/ him. Just say you have plans....that week won't work.

And don't let WH come in and SPOIL YOUR DAY, YOUR FUN, YOUR LIFE!!!

That's the point of PLAN B...

For you to be DARK...

For you to be out of HIS MESS...

For you to be FINISHED WITH HIM UNTIL HE ENDS HIS AFFAIR!!

He's trying to RILE YOU AGAIN..to make you into the PROBLEM while he looks SQUEAKY CLEAN...

I just hate it that he has you in this UPROAR after your wonderful DC TRIP...

YUCK and DOUBLE YUCK...

You are supposed to be pretending like he does not exist while you are in PLAN B...

Oh my, I'm going to lunch....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

THE RESPONSE THAT I AM NOT NOT NOT SENDING, but wrote anyway for my own peace of mind....

While I am not interested in engaging in a pissing match with you, WH, let me address your remarks point by point because they cannot go unchallenged.

Nine weeks is an adequate notification time between reasonable parties. And considerate. Where was any discussion with me regarding Spring Break? I heard it from you. On March 26th. I spoke to SIL as a preliminary plan prior to signing up for vacation. I informed you to tell LS as soon as was reasonably possible after the vacation time was secured. I told you before I told the boys the vacation was set. LS works through that time in June. I knew there would be no conflict.

First, Nine weeks is a /bare minimum/ notification time when addressing summer vacations. The cottage must be reserved six months in advance, as you well know since you reserved it for yourself without giving LS the opportunity to have a "turn" there this year.

Second, the ONLY time that you would have had the boys during Spring Break would have been one Wednesday afternoon. Yes, she should have given more notice, but honestly, how could this /possibly/ present a problem to you? You did not see the boys for nearly three weeks when you went to Phoenix, and as a result you missed two afternoons and one entire weekend with your sons. In addition, you have previously signed up for overtime when you were scheduled to have the boys. You are /way/ out of line to cry foul on this one. It's hypocritical.

And yes, you took the time to check with SIL prior to signing up for vacation. That was considerate of you. Why not provide this same courtesy to your WIFE and mother of your children? LS does not deserve to learn of your plans with the boys from her sister-in-law. That is inconsiderate, plain and simple.

Finally, you cannot "know" there will be no conflict for LS in June. You /assume/ such. You are no longer free to make /any/ assumptions about what LS is or is not doing.
>
Those are the only vacations I have planned and can get. She knows how it works for me at the PD with seniority. It will be hard for her to hear but I am keeping that August week at The cottage. It would have slipped away last year but I kept that week for the sake of the boys. I would like it to be the same this year.
>
You seem to have forgotten that I /also/ know full well how vacation sign-up works at the PD. The sign-up comes around, and you have a period of time in which to "secure" (as you put it) your time off. At the very least, you are perfectly aware when vacation sign-up is imminent, and had ample opportunity to propose times to LS (through me) well in advance of having to commit yourself to days off. It is absolutely unreasonable for you to "secure" your time off without FIRST checking with LS.

Vacation time with the boys is something that is to be negotiated and agreed to between /both/ parents. You are simply not free to make these decisions unilaterally. This is /not/ how it works, and is in fact in violation of the court order.

In terms of The cottage, you knew full well that LS intended to take that trip with the boys. Instead of honoring her intent, which is only fair since /you/ were there last year, you chose to rob her of that opportunity. When she discovered that the cottage had been rented out from under her (having no idea that it was you who had done so), this did not in any way release you from the verbal agreement that you had made...certainly not in her mind. LS told you in January of her intent to have the boys that week, and you did not disagree or tell her that would not work; it was understood; consent was clearly implied. This was well in advance of you signing up for vacation.

LS has the boys that week, as you agreed to long ago. End of story. As I see it, you have two choices with regard to The cottage. Either go alone, or extend the offer to LS for her to take the week, and she can reimburse you for whatever deposit you have placed. Either option is reasonable. It is /not/ LS's problem that you signed up for vacation during a time that she had told you she intended to have the kids; it is /your/ problem.

The cottage has very special memories for LS, as this was the place that she spent time with her dad before he died, as well as time with other family members. It is a /family/ tradition. You do not have exclusive rights to the place, and it is crystal clear to me that you manipulated the situation to "secure" that week for yourself, without regard to how that might affect your wife. In my book, that is the furthest thing from "considerate."

Finally, saying that it will be "hard for her to hear" clearly implies a "stick it to her" attitude. What has /she/ done to /you/ that could generate this level of hostility? I am shocked by it.

LK, I would love to "work together" for the sake of the boys. It is LS that imposed restraints upon that process. For her sake I will agree to continuing to communicate for the time being in this manner. Please don't accuse me of not being considerate and working together.
>
The /only/ restraint that LS has imposed is that you not communicate with her directly until such time that you end your adulterous relationship and choose to work on your marriage. Frankly, from the way you express yourself to /me/, I can see why she would be extremely reluctant to communicate with you directly. You are certainly free to communicate through me as much as you like, and on whatever issues you see fit. There have been no restraints on that whatsoever.

As much as I dislike being in this role, I am willing to take it on to protect LS from further hurt. She has been hurt enough. Wouldn't you agree?

Everything that is happening here is fallout from wrong and hurtful choice that YOU made, WH. In my opinion, consideration and decency is /owed/ to the woman whom you promised to love and honor, but whom you instead treated with absolute contempt and disrespect. You should be bending over /backwards/ to make this easier and more comfortable for her and the boys...instead of being caught up in what works for /you/, what makes /you/ happy, and what makes /your/ life easier. For God's sake, get over yourself, start thinking about how other people are adversely impacted by your actions, and do what you can to lessen the hurt you cause to others.

This is your doing. Deal with it.

if LK would send that... I would be okay with it so long as it does not come from you... and then let this go... it will be a settled matter.

others will say it shouldn't be sent... I would disagree... but understand their point. In no way should you break plan B...stay dark. ANd after she sends this... just let it go Lilsis.... get back to being all about you and the boys.

Nope. Just the plain vanilla WS. My FWH did things much WORSE than this too. Today HE says, "I don't even know who I was back then. It was like I was under a spell or something." He also is ASHAMED and MORTIFIED of the things he did back then. Today he is a TOTALLY different man... no HINT of who he was then.