You are not wrong to feel the way you do.
or to want to teach him a lesson. You feel disrespected by him (over and over again) and it hurts. I can totally relate to that feeling.

thing is......that feeling is ruining your plan B.
it feels like a pissing match between you and WH even though you keep saying you don't want that.

maybe i am wrong but i think of plan B as LETTING him go....as if he's is not a priority in your mind anymore. IT's about YOU and YOUR life.

The current order says "...open and liberal parenting time as the parties shall agree..." and that I have physical custody, with joint legal.

He really can't. He's a cop. He works every other weekend and three days a week, at which he has to be downtown by 6:00 a.m. and doesn't return until 7:00 p.m. No judge would go for that, not when I have a job that starts at 9 and ends at 3 every day.

I say this becaue this is what both attorneys agreed to. I wanted it included in the orders, but WH did not. So the compromise was an informal written agreement that she would not be around the kids, with the stipulation that a violation of that agreement would result in court action. My attorney has assured me that was a good way to go...demonstrated good faith on my part, and if he violates it, a violation of that good faith. We'd be in good shape.

No, it's not worth a fight. But it's a very slippery slope. I do not want this to become the norm...WH "deciding" unilaterally when and how to do things. No...it is "as the parties shall agree."

Plan B goal = peacefulness

make that your reality

find peace & serenity by keeping garbage out

the drama can become a very strange way of remaining attached

detach & meet peace

But when you yank his chain it gives him the justisfications and rationalizations that he needs to keep his affair going...He gets to have a "baby mama drama" convo with RT where they disparage you and go on and on about why it's obvious that they should be together...NOT what you want...Don't provide the affair with life support...

I do understand your feelings though...(((LilSis)))

Mrs. W

How, pep? How?

I want to detach...I really do...I THINK I do...??? I don't know...now I'm confused, maybe as committed suggested I AM getting something out of this that I don't even recognize, but that would mean I am a masochist.

Being Attached to WH hurts. Being DEtached from H hurts. Can I find a way that doesn't hurt anymore??? Could someone kindly remove the knife in my back? It's been there for nine months, twisting and slowly wriggling out a little bit, then back in. I just want the daym thing gone.

Detach...detach....just when I begin feeling slightly detached, being ME! my chain gets yanked right back again.

I hear people saying that I LET it get yanked....I surely do not want that to be true. God I am so sick of this.

And I think PMS is setting in.

What will you do if he objects to your planned vacation ? Did he "bless" the D.C. trip ? Was that done "as the parties shall agree" ? "As the parties shall agree" is about as oblique as it gets because it is easy and tempting to get into a to piss them off contest and decide not to agree out of spite. If either party starts doing that nothing will ever be "agreed" on.

IMHO - going the pissing match route isn't going to bring you any real satisfaction - you'll just both get pissed on. Please step back a bit and review. Pick only to fight on the hills worth dying on. IMHO this isn't one - in the end you'll both end up spending some vacation time with the kids - same as if you hadn't obejected. All this is probably doing is getting both your danders up and making the kids nervous and anxious.

Just another personal two cents... your never going to "teach him a lesson". You will just become more and more frustrated as your *message* never is recieved. Take the high road and leave him down there.

Is it wrong to want to teach him a lesson? or set him straight? or whatever you want to call it?

That is NOT your job.

This is the very reason that you are supposed to be in PlanB, so that this kind of behavior on YOUR part will stop. When you have no contact with him (which is what PlanB is clearly defined to be)you will not feel the want, need, desire, or drive to teach him a lesson, or to set him straight.

You are still in the thick of it.

This kinda stuff isn't working for you...or is it?

committed

Mrs. W...

Thanks. You know. I just want this over. That's one way to just let it be over. It's where it's headed, I know. I really can't get around it.

BUT....
I end up feeling like a sucker, like the one who loses again, the one who gets taken advantage of, who gets manipulated. I had wanted the cottage initially, and he got it instead. He gets his way, he gets to have the tradition with the boys, be the hero...and I have to start new ones.

Score of the pi$$ing match:
WH: 10 LS: 0
Just like it's been for the past three freaking years. He wins, I lose.

Anyone have a much, much better spin on that so I can "choose" a different POV than feeling sorry for myself?

nia: thanks for understanding the feeling.

LS-
Are you on any anti-anxiety/AD meds? If not, maybe you might want to look into going on them for a temporary amount of time, until you feel more like the old 'LilSis'.

The reason I ask is that I felt a LOT like you do about everything. I was crying all of the time when my WH would do things that I perceived as being mean, (a lot of the things were), I would have anxiety attacks, I would not be able to focus on ANYTHING but my WH.

Since I have read a ton of books about helping myself, and I went on meds. I feel like the old me. I am not getting phased about things like I was. I am back. I also had a long talk with my doctor that I just wanted to be on the meds. temporarily, until my situation was remedied.

It is just a thought that may help quiet your mind a little, if you have not done it yet.

Sadmo

having feelings does not mean there is a required action

when you get a strong feeling ... You want to "do something"

as if you doing something might fix the feeling

it is only temporary relief

most of what you are feeling (I believe) is anxiety-driven

how to tell? be still and let it come to you ... are you in a "what if?" discussion with yourself in your head?

you are anxious about "what if"

and for the most part, your "what if" is totally and completely out of your ability to control

detatch from things you have no control over

and by recognizing what is anxiety-driven ... and accept the anxiety for what it is ... a sense of trying to control which is not yours to control ... but is God's...

and your feelings of anxiety require you to take NO ACTION most of the time

it is OK to feel anxious ... and do nothing but pray

((( hugs )))

Pep

"Anyone have a much, much better spin on that so I can "choose" a different POV than feeling sorry for myself?"

Jump one of his cop buddies bones ? <evil grin>

Smile - that's a joke. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

oh, LS....I SO understand what you feeling. it hurts ME.
I can felt he pain in everything you wrote above.

i have been struggling w/ anxiety lately ....it's difficult to detach when you feel your being F***ed with...like a helpless sucker. i know that feeling.
so anyway......i keep you in my prayers and i pray for peace for both of us.....and i like what pep wrote. it's helpful to recognize the anxiety for what it is.
and to accept what we can not control.

LilSis-
You have WON in so many ways... you have your DS's. You have your house still, you have your job, you have your friends. You have people that love you, respect you, and think very highly of you.

You chose to do the noble thing- try to save the M. He chose to slink off with his 'tail' (I could say something else :-)) in between his legs, on his 'noble' mission of selfishness.

YOU are the winner. You are the one that is respectable. Do not forget that!

I do think that maybe if you let him take the boys that week, and you plan a different week with the boys, a new vacation for all of you, that is how you may start to feel better. You will be giving up the 'fight'. And the only thing that happens is that the boys get to spend time with their dad, which is not a bad thing. But in the future, I would make sure that plans were set in stone. I would let this one go, for you, as well as for everyone else.

Do you know what I mean? You would not be the 'loser'. You would be the winner. Why? You let the boys spend time with your WH, who is acting like a jerk, even though you could have said no. He will not be expecting that, he is wanting to yank your chain, and he may actually be DISAPPOINTED that you did not get so upset. He is sitting there now, laughing to himself that he got you so upset. Now you can laugh to yourself, and let him have the boys, and do something even for yourself that week. Just for you, as an adult. That would be good too.

Think about it. It may be the start of something better for you.

While you guys are yanking each others chains, your sons are hanging on getting pulled about. Not fair. Both of you are trying so hard to control this dance that I feel like you've lost sight of the big picture.

IMO, if you persist in teaching him a lesson, how does he miss LilSis? Don't you think that it's more likely that he'll be glad he's not around anymore for that? I thought the WS was supposed to miss you during plan B?

He already ruined the cottage for you. But not for the boys. Let them go have their fun time with their dad. WH probably won't have so much fun, if he has any pang of conscience left at all and if he knows that you're not acting bothered by it. Have your intermediary ask him if the week you want to take your vacation works for him. Show him how it should be done.

In the meantime, you plan your fun new vacation at Cape Cod, which can become your new tradition -- much more exicting than the old one -- and best of all, untainted by your [censored] of a WH. The way you find peace is to disengage. Your MIL will be surprised to see you drop this whole thing and do what's best for the boys. She's finding out what you've been dealing with and what her son has become.

There's only one LOSER in your marriage and it's not you.

This is excellent advice.

LS - I'm having a few uh...disagreements with my teenagers.

Rather than nag - I've decided to pin up signs all over the house (snicker).

Those signs all say:

You can be right...or you can be happy.

I like this response.

or if you don't want to give him anything to piss and moan about ....... you could say you were in the midst of making new plans for that first week of august but will consider his request.
buys you some time....and you come out the sweet and willing to work w/ him.

My neighbor made me feel tons better. She talks just like you all...she's a 2x BW.

I'm taking off for my sisters, guys. Thanks for the rah-rahs today.

Now I know what the lie about "looking forward" was.

I KNEW those words were OFF.

I knew it.

He wasn't looking forward to having the boys on vacation that week.

He was LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR REACTION TO what he had planned.

However, there is still more to come. I'm not sure what it is. I am considering two possibilities.

SB