LS-
Just remember, when the going gets tough, the freezer and oven get a good workout! Kids LOVE frozen pizza, mac and cheese, frozen dinners... I am sure that they did not mind one bit!

Did you ever try to stop thinking that he will get you back? I think that your line of thinking of going for the big guns is good, but maybe not look for the other foot to fall all of the time. Or try to minimize how it does hit you.

He may try to get you back, but if you do not LET him get you back, then you have triumphed.

I would also recommend the book "Obsessive Love" to you. It helped me move past obsessing on my WH. A lot. There are a lot of little steps to do, and it was just really a good read.

Good Luck!
Sadmo

Sadmo:
If it weren't for the fact that I am petrified that he will bring the boys around that skanky ho, then I wouldn't really care what he did. He can't do much more to me than he already has, or that I--to my surprise!--can't deal with.

But he knows that the boys are my Achille's heel, and that is the one thing that would engage me. I don't want to let that happen.

So I guess I think that anticipating that will be a move he may make at some point is a little bit of hmmmm....disaster preparedness? Just be ready when and if the big one hits....know how to stay safe, what to do, where to go, who to call for help, then turn it over to the experts.

I will say this:

I have discovered through this experience that I am a survivor. I am becoming weary, however, of just surviving.

I want to live again, without a cloud of infidelity hanging over my head; without the vision of my old H in the back of my mind, teasing me, without worrying that the boys will spend a lifetime with this nagging thing dogging them, without feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders every minute of every day. I want to wake up in the morning and feel joy and anticipaton. I want someone I can talk to, share things with. I want intimacy. I want a partner, an equal, someone I can work along side. I want certain knowledge that I am loved and valued above all others by another human being.

Is that too friggin' much to ask?

Sadmo, your book recommendation sounds like a good one.

hmmmmm - I think somewhere I mentioned about creating a scene similar to one seen in Steel Magnolias - the one where the "story" gets told to the little boy about the big, bad, awful Ouisser....

Now it's not parental alienation to tell your boys that a big bad ugly Rat-T*rd hurt their mother terribly and that their daddy is under her wicked spell - that she is the reason their daddy doesn't live at home with them any more.... Surely there are some creative minds who can help you come up with ways to help your boys understand that she is dangerous to them...

Oh, Kayla...I've already told them that RT has no place in their lives and they need to tell me immediately if dad brings her around.

Remember that whole discussion a while back about evil? And if she is evil then so--by definition--would be their dad? Several people chimed in on that one.

This was a few weeks back: I did have a conversation with them...dad's making bad, hurtful choices right now, hurtful to me and to them and to others--as has Mrs. RT--and no one has the right to hurt them and I need to protect them. Although dad is dad and we ALL love him, Mrs. RT is not someone that they have ANY reason to be around.

I also recently had a brief discussion about drugs with them (we were talking about which ones are most addictive)...about how dangerous they are, using them might start out innocently enough, just wanting to "try," but it is very, very dangerous. People can easily become addicted and make awful, wrong choices that are destructive to them and the people around them, and it just gets worse and worse until they flat out quit...which is really hard.

Although I was very clear that dad didn't use drugs, I told them that it was my opinion that is sort of like what has happened to dad. Actually, I think this is a pretty sympathetic way for them to think of what's happened to their dad...lets them know he's redeemable, if only he stops drinking the evil KoolAid. And we would have to help him if he decides to stop, but only he can decide to do that.

DS11 got it right away; I think it clicked because they've been learning about it in school. I'm 90% sure he would tell me if RT was ever around.

Oh LilSis...I am literally ROFL!!

I know that your WH is indeed going to be FURIOUS about being in arrears, and I know that he will try to think of a way to "pay you back" for "screwing him." God forbid any WS should ever take personal responsibility and say to themself, "Man--maybe my own decisions have been bad...they sure have been costly!" (bad CJ!! BAD!!)

But I want you to remember this day, LilSis. THIS DAY. Because just like every BS, earlier in your journey it looked like WS had everything (someone who "loved" him, all the money he wanted, no responsibility for the kids, and seeming control over the situation) and TODAY IS THE DAY when the karma bus caught him! Do you remember wonder to yourself, "HEY! I'm the one doing the right thing here, and my life is cr*p--his life is great. When is karma going to catch up with him??? Huh???" Well, LilSis...here's your answer. Karma will catch him on Saturday, April 28th.

All those periodic payments that he made to the joint account...when HE felt like it...in the amount HE felt like...will all be viewed as "gifts" by FOC and have nothing whatsoever to do with CS. The court--not "evil LS" but THE COURT--has now told him what it is going to cost him to keep his stinky turd. The court--not "evil LS" but THE COURT--will be taking "his" money away and he will be forced to do it at their amount, when they tell him to, or else he will go to jail! The court--not "evil LS" but THE COURT--has told him that he can not just keep all his money and use it for the Love Shack!!!

I have no doubt that he is going to be furious, but LilSis, it's not YOU being a meany or being unreasonable. THE COURT is telling him what it's going to cost him to abandon the wife of his youth and his children, and unlike his "affair fantasy" it is going to HURT him financially and in other ways too! He is no longer in control--THE COURT is!! And they can force him to do things he does not want to do (much moreso than you could ever dream of doing.)

So, LilSis...remember this day...the day that the karma bus ran smack dab into WH.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

P.S. BTW, I am not celebrating that your WH was hit by the karma bus. Being hit by anything is painful, and I wish he was wise enough to make smart decisions and avoid the karma bus by returning to his family. But I AM celebrating the day that finally came around when someone other than "evil LS" forced WH to see the ENORMOUS cost of this foolishness.

really?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> cool <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Your intermediary would do well to simply state that she's sorry that he's hurting from self-inflicted wounds - hope he feels better soon, but that she's not going to convey diddly-squat of his outrage to you. He can talk with your attorney about it if he'd like - but remember - he's likely to end up paying those legal fees too..

hee-hee-hee! Karma bus indeed! LS - there's not too many occasions where you get to see first hand how quickly what goes around comes around. Personally - I'd like to see RT's Karma Bus run her over a bit!

Okay, here I was feeling all mushy...I took a bubble bath to wash the smell of gas and cut grass off of me and trying to figure out how to BE. Then it came to me (from meggy's thread) and I just prayed for God to bring WH to his knees. I felt very peaceful, it just came over me.

I even prayed--FOR THE FIRST TIME--that God bring RT to her knees as well! That's a big step for me.

And then I come down and read about the karma bus...the imagery....ha ha ha ha

Thanks, CJ!

Karma ~ oh yea, it works - every time

My XWH treated me um.... very badly... for years. He got his in ways that I could not only never do to him... but way beyond what I could have hoped would happen to him - and - I didn't have to do a darn thing to make all that yuck come his way.

God has MUCH more power than any of us !!!

Hang in there Sis ~ RT will get her's and not like it one bit. You will get your's and love it !!! really...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Carn!

I also second what CJ said...it's not as if I "wish" bad stuff would happen...I "wish" that he would remove his head from his a$$ and begin making good choices. However, that not being the case presently, I am very pleased that he must experience some REAL WORLD consequences for the bad choices that he IS making.

As my BF and I admit to each other in private, we get pretty sick of people saying that "eventually" WH and RT will get theirs...referring to the blazing fires that will come when St. Peter tells them that unrepentant adulterers are not welcome past the pearly gates. We want to be around to SEE something in THIS life...evil, I know, but a girl's got to get SOME small satisfaction...

I'm grateful that all of this arrears stuff is legal/court stuff...I don't even have to say or do a peep....just sit back, stay pitch black, and let the state take care of things for me. What a relief.

Sis, the karma bus DID hit RT, because the money that WH was going to spend on HER is going toward HIS children, and she KNOWs it a victory for YOUR FAMILY.

It will all come around, and I hope that your WH is brought to his knees; it doensn't get easier for him from here. HE will be forced to deal with his boys becoming men and HIS boys having their own ADULT opinions, and them showing utter disdain for his poor choices. Unless your WH turns his life around, the consequences will abound.

I am very thankful that you are safely in Plan B where his wrath cannot touch you!

God is looking out for you Lilsis.

I hope so, Lex. I'm sure WH can find a way to allow his wrath to touch me, but I'm mentally prepared for it (as much as I can), so I won't be too surprised. And I am committed to staying dark, even if I have an emotional response, I will not act on it. I'll just let the feelings flow through...and out. I'm a sieve.

I also hope that God is indeed looking out for me emotionally. I was so UP this morning.

But sitting and pulling weeds has not been good for me today; too quiet, too much time to think, the house is so empty and lifeless, so unlike how it SHOULD be. I miss my family. I miss having my boys and my husband around me on a sunny spring afternoon, chattering away, enjoying our home, making plans for what we want to accomplish around the yard or in the garden this year...

Sigh. I went to church this morning and asked for God's peace to come over me. I thought working in the garden with my hands in the dirt would help to connect me to that, somehow. But then the thoughts keep turning...with no distractions (kids) to keep me from ruminating too much...

Anyone else fall into the trap? Any hints to get out of it?

When I went to church this mornign I also prayed for God's peace. I also prayed that my WH soon hits bottom and opens his eyes along with MOW.

Maybe something to make you smile talking about karma... I saw a cute bumper sticker yesterday.

It read " My Karma ran over my Dogma" it made me smile.

Still

I suggest an IPod for when you are alone - you can listen to some music and not have your mind dwell on wh.

I found a concetration cd for dd to use at school. It has been a huge help for her to concentrate in math. I saw several for relaxation. Hers has no recognizable tunes, rhythms, etc. Maybe you can find one that will help you keep your mind off of wh.

I don't post to you often, but I wanted you to know I think you are doing great and I still pray for you when I see a vibe <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
take care

Thanks, MF. The Vibe...my little buddy. I kind of get attached to my cars.

I do have an ipod...but I need to load some new music on it...there are too many songs with "significance." I've been keeping a mental list of songs to load...just need the time to sit down and load them all. Mostly the "strong girl" type of songs...nothing sappy.

Still: I prayed for them all to come to their knees, mine, yours, SL's, eav's. All the Bees. I should have brought the roll call list. It was right after communion, when we are all kneeling, I asked God to bring them all to their knees...and wept silently.

I'll tell you a secret. I've been wearing my wedding band all along, since Plan A. Lately, I've taken to going to sleep with my engagement ring on, too, AND WH's wedding band. The diamond sticks up, so it keeps his from falling off. Like I'll wear it for him, since he can't/won't. Anyway...wore that to mass today...since I was alone (no kids) and I sat in the back pew. I kind of like the feeling.

Kinda silly...

LilSis,

I weep at church also. It just so overpowering.

Sometimes I wonder am I praying hard enough. But then I read in one of my books this morning of course I can't find it now. About God hears our prayers and if he doesn't answer them in "our time" it's because he has something better for us than what we were praying for. I'll try to find it again.

It's funny at night I also go through my roll call of prayers. Maybe God is taking his time because what he will give us is worth the wait.

Still

LilSis... I was still wearing my wedding ring and engagement ring until yesterday.

Okay, guys, I know this isn't fair but I feel betrayed again.

The boys just returned home and I always ask cheerfully if they had a good weekend. Yes, says DS11, the cousins came over.

Apparently BIL and the kids came over to visit with WH and the kids this afternoon. They spent a couple of hours there. The kids, BIL and WH went to the park to play.

SIL didn't come along, she was at home with the baby.

DS11 just told me that WH said we could take the dog back. Huh????

LS,

Is it by BIL that you feel betrayed again?

And I guess the dog isn't convenient anymore. Maybe pretty soon he'll throw away RT too....

Still

Well, I guess I spoke too soon. I didn't realize until I had already typed the first line that SIL wasn't along. So it's not such a big deal. BIL will do what he has to do, and I know those cousins love to play.

I'm just freakin' paranoid.

BTW...DS11 brought home another rat; another sibling of the litter.

It's funny about the dog....I just spent a hour earlier today looking at petfinders at rescue dogs and shelter dogs in the area...thinking maybe I'd like to adopt an older dog. I kind of miss having a dog around, especially when I'm home alone. I was thinking of something a little smaller than our dog P. She's 60 pounds...I was thinking like a 35-40 lb. dog. No accessory dog...just a smaller-sized mutt.

Of course the boys are delighted at the prospect of P coming home.

The human to animal ratio is lopsided again...2 cats and 2 rats. Add the dog to the mix and we are waaaay outnumbered. I'm still a little afraid that the 14 y-o cat is not long for this world... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />