Pep,

That is one of the nicest compliments I have ever received!!!!!

Thank you!
SHOL

PS - Our 33 anniversary is on Friday. We renewed our vows on our 30th. Anniversaries have a whole new meaning these days.

our 26th anniversary is May 16

Thanks for sharing that, SHOL.

I think I get all of that. I guess what I wonder is if *I* am the same person. I could never be the person who settled for crumbs anymore.

I spent the morning at a workshop on bullying led by a PhD psychologist who puts together anti-bullying programs in schools nationwide. It was clear to me within the first 15 minutes that WH bullied me repeatedly for the last few years of our marriage...according to her definition of bullying behavior, which I can't remember right off, but it was something like intentionally OR unintentionally harming someone's reputation, property, self-image or anything that that person values through words or actions.

How many times would WH make a joke at my expense, then accuse me of not having a sense of humor? How many times would he criticize me for questioning his "friendship" with RT? How many times would he say something negative or hurtful towards me, then say he was "just kidding?" How many times would I ask him for something, and he'd ignore me, and then when I'd ask again, he'd blow up?

I refuse to be a victim ever again. This whole experience has shown me that. I have been a victim, but I didn't realize it...and it's not just about this morning. It was what I was getting at the other day...that I'm not going to settle anymore. I deserve better than what I was getting from him. And it's been so long, that I can't even separate out the pre-A WH from the A WH anymore.

I don't know who WH is! So I certainly don't know if he can ever change that element of his personality. Maybe that's who he is, deep down. Maybe he is just a mean jerk. Maybe all those years being a cop finally took their toll, and eroded the goodness that I once saw in him.

I'm NOT saying he's special or different. But he is a cop, which raises a whole set of issues. And he does come from a family in which passive aggressive tendencies run deep, and where denial and lack of true intimacy are the absolute NORM. His dad bullies his mom, no doubt about it. P/A all the way.

There is such a part of me that just wants to cut him out of my life. To forget him, to move on, to pretend that he is dead. But I can't...because of the boys. But I hate what he has done to me! I hate it!!

I spent the afternoon in another meeting talking about urban education, and one of the risk factors that we discussed was single-parent female-headed household. I'm now a friggin' statistic. My boys are statistics.

I am so angry. I am so angry. I am crying again. What the he!! did I do to deserve this? I guess it's my fault for marrying him in the first place.

I just worked a 12-hour day (because WH has the kids, and I need to squeeze every hour of work in whenever I can). I come home, and guess who drops off the boys (20 minutes late)?

MIL and FIL. The boys come running upstairs, "We have a surprise visitor, mom! Cover your eyes and we will guide you!" I thought maybe the dog. Nope, it was MIL.

We hugged, and she told me how she liked my hair, and handed me the city income taxes that WH did; just needing my signature. Having his mom do his dirty work; how typical.

I couldn't even look at her. I kept myself from crying...but I just can't look at her. She betrayed me as surely as WH did. And I know you will all tell me that's not true, that she did what she had to do, yada yada. But the thing is, she promised me OVER AND OVER that whatever I told her was in confidence; OVER AND OVER that I could trust her. Somehow everything made it back to WH. The cottage. The fact that I was offered a new position at work.

And the deepest cut? She defended him. She said he was a "good father." When I asked her if her father (whom she loved dearly) or my dad would have EVER done what WH did....she responded that her father was always so busy with church and community involvement that she didn't see him much, so what's the difference.

Church and community involvement.
Having an adulterous relationship with a married woman.

Yeah...exactly the same. I was dumbfounded.

And she also said that "the boys have been hurt on all sides, LS." Implying that *I* have hurt the boys. Well, you know what? I took myself out of the running for mother of the year about nine months ago, when I couldn't get myself out of bed to pour them a bowl of cereal; let alone be nurturing and engaging. But I'm still here, and I've been here, every day. Now I am making them cereal, running them to and from school, packing the lunches, filling out the book orders, checking the homework, helping with the projects, taking them on trips, burying the pets, soothing the hurts.

Where has SHE been? She left. Two weeks after "the incident," she left for a month long road trip. Two weeks after they returned, she left again for AZ, and hasn't returned until today. So where is her burning concern for the well-being of the boys? She hasn't seen them since November. *I* have been the one taking care of them. ME. ME. Not her son.

So I DO feel angry and betrayed and resentful. You bet I do. Call me self-righteous or judgemental. But by whose definition could WH be called a "good father?" What right does she have to cast aspersions on MY parenting? How dare she betray a confidence? How dare she say that she loves me, and then make excuses--not even GOOD excuses, but LAME ones--for her son's behavior?

I HATE when I feel all angry like this at MIL...she's a victim, too, and I know that. What hurts so much is that it seems so strangely similar to what WH did to me, and I begin to think that it is a character flaw that runs much deeper than the A. It's a generational pattern of behavior.

He used my trust as a weapon against me, just like MIL.
He denied what was obvious, to me and everyone else, and turned it into "my" problem, just like MIL.
He was unfairly critical of me to suit HIS purpose, just like MIL.
He rationalizes and justifies his damaging behavior claiming it is all because of "love," just like MIL.
He said that he loved me, just like MIL.
He cut and ran when things got tough, just like MIL.
He didn't speak up when he was dissatisfied, just like MIL.

Same with RT. I trusted her, too, she pretended to be my friend, she played me...and look where it got me.

Maybe that's why I am so hyper-sensitive...why I have such a strong feeling that you are either with me or against me. I need to know which "side" you are on. I need to know who I can TRUST. Implicitly.

I do know that I cannot implicity trust anyone with the last name ******.

Of course I said none of this to MIL, and of course I WON'T say any of this to MIL. I smiled and said welcome back after we hugged, unable to look her in the eye. But I can't let her back in to my life...not at all. Not when she is blind to who and what WH is now. Not when she's so willing to make excuses for him. And that may be her mother's role, and I may end up one day doing the same thing if (God forbid) one of my boys does something reprehensible. She has to maintain a relationship with her son. To do otherwise is impossible.

But that pretty much excludes me, because I can't allow that kind of hurt to creep back into my life. I've been hurt enough, and she has the power to inflict lots...and seems perfectly willing to do so in order to prop up her son's image in her own mind. She'll tear me down to build him up.

I'm sorry....this was waaaay long and I am rambling. But I needed to vent this. I have been slapped (not 2x4d) in the past for criticizing MIL. So I want to be clear about two things:
1. I understand that she is in a horrible, horrible position. and that she cannot (will not?) turn her back on her son.
2. I need to protect myself, and that means that I cannot (will not?) have a relationship with her.

I think she would like to have it both ways...of course she would...but it's not possible for me. It's not about punishing her (even though I acknowledge that I am hurt and upset and feel betrayed); it IS about protecting myself and surrounding myself with people who support me, not people who will tear me down to make WH appear better. That would be self-defeating on my part.

Clearly I have a lot to talk to IC about this week...Thursday afternoon can't come soon enough.

(((Lil Sis)))

Still praying for you

LS --
I understand you have a lot to let out. Go right ahead.

But I'll tell you that my overall impression is that you have INCREDIBLE STRENGTH. Wow. You have come so far.

You are one rawking girl!

You're probably TIRED, Sis...

IMO, your H is poisoning his M's mind..easy for a son to do...especially a WAYWARD SON..whose like a con artist...

This tells you, too, that being around your MIL breaks down the safety of PLAN B...

She probably unfortunately, knowingly or unknowingly, is his AGENT...

You are probably feeling violated by her presence in your home....just walking in like that..YUCK....

IT'S ALL AWFUL..is true...

(((((SIS))))

(((LS)))

It's okay to come here and vent. That's what we are here for.

Do you think your MIL noticed a change in how you greeted her? I know sometimes I have a hard time disguising my feelings.

Still

PS. Also praying for you and your boys.

darn good vent !

Wow, thanks. I was sort of expecting 2x4s. I'm really glad that I can come here and vent, and that someone understands.

After I posted I went upstairs...and realized that I hadn't eaten a normal meal all day, and run from one meeting to the next...so you are right, mimi...I am exhausted. A good night's sleep will do wonders (and an 8:45 meeting with my PO...oh joy...)

I think you also hit on something else...she did come into the house and I did feel violated in a way...I have been feeling secure in the safety of my buffer zone/Plan B, that she and FIL just walking right into my home, without warning, put me on edge, encroaching on my safe place. It made me uncomfortable at an unconscious level...

Thanks, everyone, for letting me vent, and listening, and praying...

(still: I'm sure she noticed. I smiled, and hugged her, but I couldn't look her in the eye...guarded?)

Sis, VENT AWAY, sweetie.

You feel betrayed by your MIL and she treaded on your territory today, your solid ground.

Sis, even before your husband left, he was wayward, try to remember that; try to look at your relationship in it's entrirety. Try to remember who he really is, beyond what his family is like, beyond what he showed you these last few years. THIS IS NOT the man you loved and married. Allow the incidents in the past to exist in their time and place, do not try to lump his actions with you all into a timeframe when he was wayward.

I am totally behind you, I truly, and honestly feel your pain tonight. The tightness in my chest from holding back the tears, as I read the words that I could have posted a million times.

Sis, you were triggered by many events today. The bullying talk, the talk about Urban Education meeting citing stats on children from a broken home led by the mom. I, too, read all of those statistics. Sis, I AM one of those statistics, and had to work [email]d@mn[/email] hard to climb my way out of that hole. Top all of those triggers with MIL showing up, unannounced. Just a person in your WH's arsenal right now. The thought is maybe you will let your guard down with her, soften your stance.

Sis, as I sat on the couch with my husband (and I know the difference); his legs draped across mine, I knew he was home. He is home. Sis, he treated my like total SH!TE before Dday#1; he was more important. He hurt me many times, putting me last, putting his son last (double ouch). The man I'm faced with now is NOT that wayward [censored]. Don't you count those chickens Sis.

You have been triggered in a big way today. Let this pass. Cry, vent, cry some more.

(((((Sis)))))

LS - Your MIL is bullying you. Forcing you into conversations about WH. Negotiating the non-negotiable - right and wrong. Forcing you to try to alter your memories, values, experiences, etc. This is bullying!

Time for boundaries. Time to say she is welcome in your home until she justifies in any way shape or form what your WH is doing to his children and to you. So conversations at all about WH is out of bounds between the two of you. You love her, but you won't let your WH continue his destructive work on your heart vicariously or directly.

LilSis,
It is so unfortunate that sides have been drawn. YUK!
Consider the old couger as protecting her young, even if she does not agree with his actions.
She loves you very dearly, but the "bloodline" is greater.
Hurts? Yes? Pissed Off? You should be! Just never let the enemy (emema) see your pain!
Afterall, you are the one standing with your head held high!
Peace be with you!

PGA

SL: thank you for pointing out AGAIN that I was triggered. You are right...all of those things piling up today emotionally, lots going on at work, not eating, tomorrow's PO meeting, and then the "uninvited guests."

I'll give myself a break and not make any assumptions or broad sweeping generalizations about my past and my marriage when I'm in a vulnerable moment...you have given me a much needed reminder to take a breath and move on.

(and thank you for the content family image, too....you sound peaceful and I have been wondering how the work week was going for you both...)

Kayla: The need for boundaries with MIL became very clear to me about three weeks ago, and I recognized then that she was a threat to my Plan B as well as my emotional well-being. I KNOW I need to maintain that boundary....it will be much more awkward, though, now that she's back in town and living with WH.

For MY OWN "safety," I need to be very, very firm about the boundary. It may sound harsh, but I really just don't want to have any contact with her. Smile, wave...but that's it. I am too fearful that if I were to let her ANY closer, she'd reel me into some kind of drama (courtesy WH), or she'd chip, chip, chip at my self worth, beliefs and what I know to be true. Unintentionally on her part...but you know what the road to he!! is paved with....

tricky this

she is their granny

soooooooooo

find a kind way to inform MIL that you will really need advanced notice if she plans to come by

carefully worded:

example~~~

"My life is so busy with all my responsibilities running this home {don't say house} and work and everything. I know how understanding you will be about this request. I'd like you to call me prior to future visits. Thanks again."

your thoughts Sis?

PS

I suggest you draw this boundary in a note or email directly to her

not via the boys

leave them out of this

Did you read the thread "The Art of War"

MIL could be utilized as a pawn of DIS-information.

Such as:

"You know MIL, I've been thinking that if and when your son follows completely through with this divorce thingy, that I might actually move to xyz city. The law allows me to move up 100 miles (or whatever the Michigan allowance is)...just a thought".

However, it's prolly best to limit your conversations about anything she could relate to WH as that gives WH a fix of you in Plan B. The less she hears or lays eyes on you the better.

Mr. Wondering

Aw, Sis can do it slyer than that. Just leave some real estate mags for different places lying around the next time they come for a visit. Leave the computer open to a real estate page for Alaska, lololol.

Sis, MIL has gone to the dark side, quite predictably. Once you reach R, there will be things that need to be dealt with regarding that, but just table it for now.

Nothing has changed, not really. You are still wonderful you, H is still stinky WS, RT is just plain putrid as always, and MIL is still a torn woman in an awkward position, who has chosen to handle that in a different way than we would, knowing what we know.

FWIW, I think you handled today beautifully.

Wow Sis ~ you have grown so much !!!!

You know, most days I just about break my arm, patting myself on the back for finding this place ...

I bet you feel about the same...

We all know that you can't change your WH - we can only change ourselves... and you are doing one heck of a great job of it !!!

LilSis,

Pep knows from where she speaks!
Tom Tom beating!