Lexxxy that is exactly what my husband envisioned when I said "we are over"

he said

"I did not want to see some man living in my home with my wife raising my kids"

Lex: I could practically see your fingers making air quotes around the OKs. Really good post, too. Thank you for that perspective.

So...(rubbing hands together expectantly)...you are telling me that I DO get the fairy tale in the end?!?! I'm so EXCITED!! And here you guys were all telling me this morning that fairy tales are illusions....ha! Almost had me, there, Lex! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

C'MON PRINCE CHARMING!! There's space for your white horse right next to the Vibe.

I think I get the point that LG and SD are trying to make. A little flicker of light in the darkness. Just a little taste of what he's missing...a glimpse of light to steer him in the right direction.

But the question is...will it be a taste of what he's missing, or just a fix to allow him to stay on his destructive path?

Would he take it as an "oh, look, LS is finally coming around and letting me in just a little bit so she must be okay with all of this now."

...or as a "oh, thank goodness I finally get the chance to just be normal again, at my home with my boys doing something for my wife."

Ummm....as I write that out....I doubt it would be the latter. So I gotta go with dark. Maybe if I had an inkling that he was looking back over his shoulder every so often...but no...I got nuthin'. I believe that his attempts to circumvent LK are about maintaining controling of the situation...not about emotional connections.

Maybe LK's H or Mr. Neighbor can dig the hole with the boys. Mr. N's going to help them rototill the veggie garden so they can plant some little seedlings of their choice (something WH never did with them, either).

As I picture all of this...WH must be miserable at some level. He has lost so very much.

And I am not miserable...not very often at least. I have my moments, but it's typically out of exhaustion or frustration or the hormonal tsunami (whoever came up with that one...bless you). And a good night's sleep, a good cry, some time spent outside, or at work or with friends, or a nice long vent on MB usually cures it. And in a pinch, there's always Xanax. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sis,

Is there possibly a good-looking single man you could ask to plant the wisteria?

Someone your WH knows.

Nothing big, nothing important, nothing flirty at all. Just plant the plant.

Just LilSis, asking a favor of a friend. It would certainly do more for planting the seed (pun intended) of another man at the house, filling WH's shoes.

And I would have that person, whoever it is (Uncle P, friend, whoever I chose), there on Wed when WH comes over to get those boys.

So the visual is right there in front of WH.

Does that break the rules of Plan B? If it does, then don't do it. Just thinking out here.


And don't doubt for one second that Plan B isn't getting to him. The very fact that he's once again going around the intermediary shows his hand! He hates this Plan B - because YOU are in control. He doesn't like the idea of YOU being free......to tell him what YOU want, when YOU want it. An interesting turn here - stick to the Plan, girl. Mimi is right. Dark.

Also, he may have taken the "OK" response to the email as tacit approval to contact you directly regarding "important financial matters". Be sure LK clarifies that he is NOT to go around her on those issues - that you do mean for him to continue to contact you ONLY via her. I wouldn't be surprised if that's how he takes that "OK" response, given his attitude and attempts to break through Plan B.

Wisteria is one of my favorites - and here in Texas, they bloom beautifully. In fact, I have one that there are times I sometimes WISH I could kill......it's trying to take over!

SB


SB

Too early for the light....

It is likely to ENABLE the AFFAIR at this point...

SUFFER..SUFFER..BOTTOM OF THE BARREL..SUFFERING...

Inklings of some BEGGING AND PLEADING...

Then, maybe..a pinpoint of light....or a breadCRUMB...

He's not SUFFERED or WORKED HARD ENOUGH YET!!

Ask Mortarman..he'll tell ya...he surely stayed on my case and I will be FOREVER THANKFUL to HIM....

Listen to LG, not me. I got 2x4ed pretty good about lighting the way over on my thread.

(But I asked for it and don't necessarily disagree. . . .)

SD...I hear ya. I get the point both of you were making, and I think there's validity to it, but not for me in my present circumstances. That said, if I were in the position that you were in, on the phone, having a conversation...I could see how it could quickly go in that direction.

I think that's why I go to such extremes to avoid ANY contact...I don't quite trust myself to play it absolutely cool if we were to have contact and engage in any way.

Don't get too down on yourself, sd. You've been doing very well, and you will continue to do well. You may have made a small strategic error, but it's not as if you compromised your integrity or something. You spoke your truth.

Hang in there and keep your head up...

I think that dealing with WHs is different than dealing with WWs. I'm not sure just how yet.

And I don't disagree with Mimi and Lexxy and those who say if you're going to show any light, make it a crumb. And he probably hasn't sunk far enough yet.

If I recall correctly, SH suggests sending an olive branch to the WS every couple of months while in Plan B. Nothing over the top...just a reminder that you can still be happy together.

I tried this a few months ago and didn't get an immediate response, but then was invited out for coffee by my WW 2 months later. She was still exibiting a wayward attitude so nothing came of it.

So I'm not sure if I would recommend this or not as I have also heard from many FWS that these "olive branches" push them deeper into the fog and only when they truly fear loosing the BS does the fog start to clear.

In your case LS it may be still very early to make this offer as he probably still hasn't felt the full effect of Plan B yet.

P.S. Lexxxy you are one of my favourite posters here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WWs are WAY more entitled. I haven't heard of a WH who has tried to force his BW out of the house so he can continue his A, or one that has asked for the house, primary custody, alimony, child support, and 50% of all the assets while tearing apart his family. My WW EXPECTED me to live with my parents while paying the mortgage on our house for her to stay there and continue her affair unimpeded. When I would argue with her about it, she would say, "well, I can't pay for it. You need to." No offense, LilSis, but WWs are MUCH worse.

None taken. Certainly that situation is much worse. Thank goodness I can protect my boys to a degree, this hasn't wiped me financially, and I still have my home. I can't imagine going through this and losing everything, too.

As for RT's kids....well, that's another story. Their dad bailed immediately, and pretty much embraced the single life. Didn't seem to have a great deal of trouble with it.

I guess I had enough trouble for the both of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The Vibe's in getting the fender and door replaced, so I'm driving a rental. Too bad all he has to do is run the plate if he sees a strange car in the driveway...I should back in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

DO IT!! Back in! Or my plan was to always put my Jeep in the garage so he thinks I am not home!

Too bad all he has to do is run the plate if he sees a strange car in the driveway...I should back in.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, putting it in the garage would defeat the whole purpose of having him see the strange car in the driveway, now wouldn't it?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh yeah...sorry..blonde moment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I don't have any strange vehicles that come to my house...so I had to make do with him wondering who i am spending the night with...

Oh, I do like that one. Please do this.
Heh.
Mulan.

Of course the boys will spill on Wednesday. But if he has just a teeny tiny moment of "WHAT?!?!" it will all be worth it...

HM:

Not a "Blonde Moment"

Some states do not require a front plate, and backing in would work. The glove state requires front plates, I believe.

Even if the outlaw runs the plates, it still made him STOP and THINK

That always works to start some turmoil.

So, LS:

How's the Plant?

Does it grow or does it die?

Jus' wonderin'...

LG

Who gets to dig around them to find his golf balls... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

LG: Nope, no front plates required.

I'm watering the plant. Do I really let a poor innocent plant die? And such a pretty one?

I know that I will not have WH do the planting. My gut tells me that it's too early to do the olive branch.

So maybe the boys and I give it a shot on our own. If it's too difficult, then I will give WH's friend D a call. He's a fellow cop, but single....and always liked--and respected--me. He's the only one who called after my stay with the county.

I spoke to him a couple of months ago, and asked if I could call him if I had "big jobs" that I needed help with, he said yes.

No on Uncle P. Too close to the buffer zone. They have too long a history. D is very no-nonsense, still cordial to WH but says he views him VERY differently now. D is very anti divorce as his parents split and he's suffered for it.

In my opinion, not at all a good idea, Sis..for many, many reasons...to ask a single guy to come to your house to help you with a chore...

You want your H to MAYBE have a hunch or to be anxious..but nothing that might be too much into his face...

Remember, let go of the NAIVETE,too...

Even my H's BEST FRIENDS, supposedly, became interested in ME...

Sis, I was reading some of your posting from this weekend. i wanted to chime in about something.

Hope. I still had hope. Now, second, about that 'knowing' thingy, with PWC, knowing that he wanted to come home, well, that's basically because I know him and he kept getting personal, dropping hints about getting himself IC, and doing his taxes so that he could see where he was financially, trying to get his own place. He also spoke of how much he missed his son, and how sorry he was for hurting me (in a sincere way).

Now, none of this was coming from him over the last two years. I fully expected that we would be divorcing, and I was ready.

About when to let go of hope for your M; you will KNOW. You won't kinda know, or maybe be ready for the end. You will be ready, you will want it, you will KNOW. No matter what is said here or what transpires, only you live your life, we don't.

Sis, you did a stellar plan A, so don't diminish that by thinking of what happened before you got grounded here. I did not find MB until ONE YEAR after the Dday. I begged and pleaded, I love busted beyond all belief, I was controlling and illogical. I was a mess. I didn't know which way to go, or which way was up. I was tumbling around in a killer wave, and couldn't get my bearings. Then after our first LONG false recovery (9mos) WH left. Mini false recovery two, then he WANTED to fall in love with someone else (Aimless), so he left. Then false recovery three, after he was with Aimless, but wanted the comforts of home again.

This has been one h3ll of a ride, and not for the faint of heart. It's not ever, I'm not sure where we're headed, but we're headed there together. I would not be with my husband today, had I been faced with the wayward. NO SIR. I had enough. I was ready for life without my husband.

And about getting help, as long as YOU know that you are not available for R's, and you make that clear, who gives a [censored] who helps you work on the yard or plant things. It's not cheating to have someone help you place a plant in your garden. CRIMINY. Plates forward, plates backward, parking sideways. None of this really matters, you are not in Plan A. Your WH knows that you can move on at anytime. No games, just live.

Sis, you move on when you are ready. You are not ready, not today. Also, despite the email fiasco (BTW, you did great having neighbor help you out), you are doing a great Plan B. Stopping the analysis and assumptions is tough, but you can work on that.