Have a frank discussion with her and tell her that you are proud to be by her side no matter where you go.

Tell her she's a good person, and sometimes good people make mistakes. People who make mistakes must stand tall, knowing they are now making the right choices, and hold her head high, and walk proudly next to the man who loves her.

It's a bit like falling off a horse, except they are fighting shame, as opposed to pain.

SD

Oh, I so agree w/ you here.

She's still pretending...still got one foot in La La land.

~ Marsh

SD, you should know that I've already tried to have that conversation with her. She just doesn't want to hear it. She doesn't want me to hang out with friends, especially when she's out with her one friend (who's a lesbian, but don't worry, she's ugly) who doesn't like me and thinks my WW should D me. Good news is that both of those friends recently started seeing people and her non-lesbian friend's relationship is starting to get more serious. I can't wait until they are too busy with their relationships to hang out with her anymore.

From my FWW perspective, this sounds like the way to go. I agree with Longhorn, it's still too soon. But I also agree with your boundary if she breaks NC one more time...Plan B her.

mom

As long as you're not destroying yourself in Plan A. You've been doing Plan A longer than you've had NC, and I worry about how long you can keep it up. I agree that you should keep going with it, but you might want to get ready to pull the trigger on Plan B in case you need to.

Jim: Thanks for checking back in with me. I've read your latest but did not post (nothing helpful to add), but I want you to know that I am thinking of you. You have had a long struggle. I wish things were moving more quickly for you.

You will do what is right for you and your wife. I think you have great instincts.

To answer your question to me the other day, the post I carry in my purse is not the BME/crack one...it's another one, in which you remind me of all that I have that RT doesn't, i.e.; children, a history, family support, etc.

Maybe your own words will resonate with you today:
"Remember, even if you do lose this battle, this is a war...Rome wasn't built in a day. You re doing the right thing, and you've seen some slight chinks in the opponent's armor. I know it sucks right now...but think of all those years you will have to make it up when you win this war...If you truly believe that you can save your marriage, then you will."

So there, Jim!!

(But the BME one would be good, too...it would make me smile! and I probably need that more these days than I do the reminders...)

Jim, I am in a very similar boat, coming off of my Plan B into attempted recovery. My WH told me he wanted a divorce, but then waffled. We haven't spoken since then about it. I expect that WH will not speak about it again anytime soon. It takes a lot for him to bring up R talk, and I don't do it. He will have to D me.

I told my WH that he is not captive here. That I want this M, that I choose to love him. There are no bars on the doors, you are free to make your own choices. I hope that he considers why he continues to come back, why he wrote me to persuade me to go into recovery.

I know that our situations aren't exactly the same. I think it is wise that you follow your plan. It will give your WW the time to go through withdrawal. I think you need MORE time right now.

if she is proud and stubborn then she probably doesn't want to look like a hypocrite. you know...my H is a monster...I finally found the love of my life in OM..goes on and on to friends about how she wants a D...yada yada yada. now what does she tell them?

imho...she is lost..is not sure about working on M, so how can she explain to friends her change of heart...if they are her friends, then they have heard all the bad stories of your M and think they are being supportive of her and her wishes. probably telling her to "seek happiness" and all that crap. if she admits that OM was not "everything" then there goes her "reasonable" excuse for wrecking her M. she would have to admit she was wrong and made a mistake...sounds like it would be easier for her to climb Everest.

if she doesn't have the know how or the courage to explain her feelings to them...which is understandable because she can't explain them to herself....then having you around her friends is just plain inconvenient. I don't believe its about you....but about her appearance to friends. her looking like she made a mistake, admitting that...being wrong...you know what I mean??

maybe try to spend time with friends that are in support of your M, does she have any of them??

We do, they are our friends from college, but none of them live in the same town as us. We have hung out about twice with some friends from college when they visited over the holidays. She avoided most of those friends during the A and thinks they don't like her or want to talk to her when actually, she is the one that avoided them.

Jim, is there one friend? her best friend maybe? that would actually talk to you. if you get one person to see what you are trying to accomplish thats all it takes. does she hang out with these friends often??

btw, your plan seems solid...you know what you need to do..its just hard putting it into action. just be sure you are confident that plan B is for you...not to iliicit change in WS, right???because I know you know this, but those are HER choices. good luck

Just checking in Jim - How did the weekend go?

Jim - With the affair you describe, I very much doubt that she would have a long withdrawal. After one month of NC she should be showing signs of committing to your marriage.

Jim - you are 99% certain of NC.

I am 99% certain of ongoing contact.

I agree with BK.

Hi Jim,

I don't know if I can give you any additional insight since I am in the same boat as you. In fact the time frame for Plan A is just about the same.

I realize it is draining to do this day in and day out. I look at my wife now and I can't honestly say I feel love for her anymore. By the tone of your post, I suspect you are starting to feel the same way. Who ever knew that being the victim in this whole thing would be so lonely.

Like I said, I can't offer any additional insight, I just wanted to let you know I follow your thread and I am rooting for you. Best of luck.

Likewise, I'm also losing the love for my WS day by day. It takes a lot to be the stronger party, especially when you want to hear them say they're sorry etc.

You are in my prayers tonight, Jim.

BK and MEDC,

I appreciate your advice and concern, but I have my WW watched like a hawk. There is no possibility for a secret cell phone, calling card, etc. I have caught her several times when she has initiated contact, so I believe NC is still in place. We had a REALLY rocky year leading up to the A, and some of the problems we are having now (lack of SF, lack of respect, unwillingness to attend MC) were problems pre-A. The difference now is that I no longer LB, and I am focuses on meeting her ENs despite the problems. I believe that my WW was never looking from anything from the OM, but gave into his advances because she was lonely and looking for an exit affair to help her leave me. Things have been improving, but are not yet to the level they were pre-A. I think part of it is because my WW is stubborn, and another part is that she is afraid that the changes I have made aren't going to be permanent or she still won't be happy with me even if the changes are permanent. She has a lot of issues and resentment toward men stemming from her parents' failed M, and OM did nothing to help that. She needs IC to work through these issues and is reluctant to address her own problems. For the time being I am comfortable that there is NC with the OM, but I will not relent in my surveillence to ensure that to be the case. I just thought that my changes would spark some more interest on her part in the M. Things are just going way to slowly for my taste.