can you explain some of the unrealistic thoughts?

do you feel there is hope for my situation?

There is always hope, at times hope and faith is all we have when things look the worst. Don't give on her if you really love her.
As far as unrealistic thoughts go,
She would talk herself and her husband into buying a new car, (they could not afford it) and she got it. She wanted a bow flex, she got it, she wanted 2 large dogs in a small house, she got them, as well as 2 cats.

She had no concept of the bigger picture, just wanted to live for that moment of wanting and then being depressed because of the consiquences. She has tried to kill herself, she belived we were all out to get her, or against her. She thought I had tried to control her life.

The list went on and on. Now her and I are building a much better realationship, I take it very slow, I only call her once in a while, I keep my conversations very upbeat, and general. I go visit my grandson and we chat together about what is going on in her life.

I make it about her, never about me or anything else. I kind of let her lead, I follow, then she askes about my husband and I. I found that refreshing. She has never done that. LOL
Her busban does the same, except he tries to get her to think about choices she makes and askes her to think about the outcome. (To make her think out side the box)

That way she still feels like she is in control but not really. He has the final say on what to do, he gets away with it because he lets her think it is a joint dissission.

She is much better, she is happy, and laughs a lot and we have not seen that in a long time. It did take a while for it to happen, and she still falls off the deep end once in a while. But it is short lived,

wow, that sounds so familiar.

My wife does the same things.
She wants a dog, then a 2nd dog, and we end up with dogs.
She wants a van, then a car then a van again, and thats what we get. She also feels like "she had to get it done cause i wouldnt"

many many things like that and when you said your daughter gets depressed when she has to deal with the consequences, wow, that is exactly what my wife does too.

so often i hear her say that she should have listened to me.

the difference between your daughter and my wife is that my wife doesn't have a mother that understands what is best for her and her family.
my mother in law more or less feels my wife needs to get home like she wants.

come to think of it molly, that is all the same as this moving issue.

its something she wants, she is fixated on it, and she will do anything and everything to get it regardless of the consequences.

well I went home yesterday, and as I suspected, there wasn't any welcome homes for me.
after an hour of no talking, i realized a couple things..

first thing is that these little arguements that result in us ignoring eachother are going to continue to happen no matter what. second, is that I know she will never be the one to initiate a "make-up".
so, i figured i had 2 options. I can either continue to go along with the no talking, and wait for her to explode on me again, or I can start a conversation with her and move on.

i decided it be best for everyone under the circumstances that I do what it takes to make things better. It isnt fair to the kids to have her and I ignoring eachother.

so i approached her, gave her a kiss and asked her if she was still upset.
she responded "yes, why wouldn't I be"
so i said "well, so am I, but were not going to get anywhere so who cares for now"
gave her another kiss and asked her if she wanted to take the kids and dog for a walk.

from that minute, the rest of the day and night was great.
we were talking, laughing, watched a movie, stayed up until 2am having long overdue SF, woke up made breakfast and here I am now at work.

she called me 10 minutes ago to tell me that she is thinking of stopping her daycare she runs at home and doing either a nursery school or something else.

so, its interesting how easily i can somewhat control the happiness at times, but it will always mean I have to be the "mature" one and step up to the plate to make things better, even if i am still upset.

oh well, i guess this is something i will have to accept. Im thinking i can do it, cause i beleive i've done it for 8 years.

i wonder if I will ever get sick of being the mature one...

My wife told me last night that she doesn't think she can "afford" to go visit her family for the summer.

So now its gone from...

Leaving me and moving there...
to
Only going for a 2-3 month visit and deciding from there...
to
Only going for a 1 month visit so she doesn't miss out on 4-wheeling trips with her friends up here...
to
Not being able to afford the trip at all.

I must admit, when she told me this last night I instantly thought to myself "is she saying she may not go so that I can't say I want to wait til she and our kids are gone to do the house renovations? Is she going to pretend she has no intentions of going, get me to do the house renevations sooner, then all of a sudden be able to afford the trip when the renovations are done?"

for anyone wondering why I am suspicious, well it's simple.
if there is one thing that I know for absolute certainty, it is that my wife will do anything and everything it takes to get or do something she wants.
So if she "wants" to go visit her mom, there is absolutely NO chance that she would change her plans to do so based on "not being able to afford it". Especially considering the fact that she didn't intend to go until the end of June.

As far as I can tell, she must not want to go? There must be something that changed her mind, what could it be?

gah..

I think you're over analyzing what she’s saying. You keep making the mistake of assuming she’s able to work her way through the problem logically and I don’t believe she is. Be still, and she’ll work her way around to the opposite rationalization in short order.

I think you may be right. thanks longhorn.

Just stay loose and on an even keel, Lang. I think there are more bumps in the road ahead you'll have to deal with.

I am used to bumps in the road. But not being able to dodge any of them, and not seeing a smooth road in the distance makes it very difficult.

Anyone can do anything with the right incentive. Without incentive, you can only do something for so long.

langaan, does she call her family, etc on your land line?

yes melody she does. I would say she talks to her mom and sister each once a day on the phone.

why do you ask?

I just filled out the love buster questionairre, and I can't beleive how badly it scored.

with the exception of angry outbursts and dishonesty, all of the others are a daily occurence. and the other 2 still do occur, but not as much.

I should have set boundries on these long ago.

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty