Where do I find a copy of Truehearts letter. I can't seem to find it?

Mimi, you said another thing that was interesting. That he was fighting resuming the affair. Oh boy that made me think. Yesterday when I told him about the e-mail his first reaction was to ignore it, but then he said what if we respond and do some digging. Find out what happend to her DH? I said no you shouldn't care about whether or not her DH is in the picture. That gave me think as well. Maybe he does really want to contact her.

BF,

Just bumped the thread with truhearts letter. It's under notable threads.

Hope it's helpful. But like MIMI said not sure if right now it would be helpful. It's a beautiful letter.

Still

Still, thanks for the bump. I read the letter and it was indeed beautiful. But don't think I will send it now.

DH does do so many things well. He is affectionate and loving with me. Tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. He was remorseful and sorry. So I should be grateful right? I am but I want more. Not exactly sure what. Since D-Day I have been the one to change, reach out more, sending loving e-mails but I have not recieved anything from him. He didn't do anything special for Valentine's Day, no card, e-mail, nothing. There are other things that he could be doing to meet some of my other needs but he's not. What he wants to do is more important than anything that may be done around here. If I say anything then I am nagging.

I feel better now that I have vented here some. But I think I am beginning to realize that what I am feeling may not be about DH. Since the initial fallout of the affair is now over, maybe I'm second-guessing myself about staying in this marriage. Maybe I'm mad at myself? In so many ways he is a great and loving husband, but there have been so many issues in this marriage why wasn't this the final straw for me???

BF,

Have you and your H filled out the emotional needs questionaire? That might be helpful so he understands things you need.

Also a great book is the Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman.

Just some ideas.

Still

Wow. Well isn't that just generous of him! HE feels you should let it go! Well, what are you waiting for?
I would say that with your H's attitude that your M is heading for disaster. IMHO, he will do this again and again... and then expect you to just get over it. Isn't it always amazing how generous other people can be with our hurt!? Sorry... but you shouldn't just get over it. You had your entire life tossed upside down 6 weeks ago! Get over it... man that just lights my fire!

BF,

my XWH was exactly like this - became impatient whenever I started to bring up certain aspects of the affair again. I knew that I'd gone over these things before, but they just kept coming back in a different way, so out it all came again. I was just so angry about certain things he'd done. He kept telling me to concentrate on what he was doing now to improve our relationship. He insists it's not sweeping it under the carpet - it's just the way he is. No dwelling on things - just move on. He now realises that I can't do that, and he's more understanding.

We did not really follow MB principles to the letter, as I only discovered the site a few days before D-day, so did not have time to absorb all the information before heading off with my own plan, but even so, we are getting there now (also H did not agree with some of the principles put forward here, so that was another barrier). I found help with a few good books and coming back here to read other stories of recovery, even though I don't post much. H also read some of the books, and slowly came to understand what was needed. I also learned to express what I needed him to do, rather than expecting him to read my mind (he's not that perceptive!), and he went along with that. I have to say he is now a changed man from even before the A.

Up until a few weeks ago, XWH was also receiving emails from XOW. All of these emails were worded in order to elicit a response, but they did not get one. I was going to email her, but having been involved in an email exchange with her earlier on, I decided to let it rest, primarily so that she would think the emails were not getting through and so stop sending them. I think this has worked. We were unable to block them altogether.

We're a little further down the recovery road than you are, so all I can say is that it will get better. I was still very obsessive at two months. I certainly don't intend to take two years to come to terms with this, though. I want to get on with my life and I don't want to carry this anger and resentment along with me, so I have decided for myself to move on and get over it.

NC means NC. Your H should leave this job TODAY! A choice needs to be made here. His job or his marriage. The A is supposedly over... well, you should NOT accept him back if he has ANY...repeat ANY... contact with the OW. That would be a deal breaker for me. You cannot and should not trust that they aren't bumping uglies in the copy room.
Stand up for yourself because it is obvious your H will not do so.

MEDC

Reading the e-mails, things happened SO quickly between them. That is what gets me the most. It's not like the e-mail thing went on for weeks, months before it went to PA. It was a matter of days. She sent one, he reciprocated, she backed off and then two weeks later she sent him another e-mail letting him know she was still interested. Then the next day they met in his office for the first kiss and gosh knows what else. Then is was Thanksgiving holiday and the office was closed for 2 days. Then they had sex for the first time the Wednesday after Thanksgiving. It progressed SO FAST. Yes she may have initially persued him, but he did not hold back AT ALL. That is one of the hardest things of all to deal with. He is good at telling me the things that I want to hear but I read the e-mails and I think to myself I don't really know this man.

He knows I read and post here. If he would even come here and read what I have to say would show me that cares about my feelings. We bought HS/HN and SAA and we both read them. But that was as far as it went. I have requested several times that we fill out the questionaires again but it has not happened. Just further fuels my feelings "as long as I'm the good little wife and be quiet, then everything is wonderful"...

And I forgot to add, our marriage was quite stale pre-A, and I wondered what on earth I was thinking to have stayed so long. After the A, I kept wondering whether I wanted to make it work, or whether this would be as good a time as any to make the break. I decided that, as my mind was in no fit state to make any rational decisions, I would wait a while and see how things turned out. One minute I wanted out, the next minute I was all for making it work. Very exhausting.

You will keep obsessing like this for some time. It passes. I simply decided that I am not going to carry on letting this get to me. I am now officially fed up of being depressed and miserable. I still have my moments, don't get me wrong, but they are fewer and don't last as long.

Apart from reading the books, I kept showing my H some of the MB threads that meant something to me, and some of the time he understood what I was getting at, even if I couldn't explain it to his face.

Brighter...

As weaver said previously:


What better satisfaction to the OW than to cause more conflict and commotion in your M. This is exactly the reaction she intended! You two have fought over HER once more and what is worse this has led you to leave the M bed! OUCH!

Again a NC letter #2 is in order here! Written and agreed on by the both of you.

Something else you said that bothered me:


Was he angry really? or secretly flattered?
How is he dealing with this situation?
Who will she not be an issue for? You? Him?
Got a bad feeling about this one. The one major thing he should be saying is that he will NEVER EVER have C with this person again EVER!

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A your a$$ off! Yes, It is terrible to feel that you are the only one doing the work to save you M. And you know what? I bet you are the only one doing the work right now. He has not been in withdrawal yet which proves he is dealing from the bottom of the deck. In other words he is not dealing fully with the sitch. He wants it to go away or pretend it hasn't happened and is not doing the TRUE work. He is only doing what needs to be done to suffice!

Are you two in MC?
Are you in IC?

It is apparent that you are in great pain here! You are angry as you should be! Anger is a signal worth listening to. If you want to save this M, I recommend you contact the Harleys for help or find a pro M MC right away.
You cannot handle this alone!

MB
________________________________
It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

MyBad, you nailed it. I think DH was secretly flattered that she reached out to him again. Why else would he want to know what her status with her DH was.

DH wants to pretend that this never happened. He has said that to me several times. It's that easy for him to move on. But he no longer wants to deal with a hurt and angry wife, so that makes me feel like he does not want to do the "real" work to make things better.

No, we are not in MC or IC right now. We were in counseling in the fall of last year, due to DH anger issues. It led into MC, but we didn't follow thru. DH was too busy to make it a part of his schedule.

I REALLY need to get some work done today and put my focus there. But I have no one that I can talk about his with so I come here.

Thanks for listening and offering any and all advice. My anger is subsiding (not all gone). I just wish he would do something to help me. I want him to reach out to me. It would mean so much right now. When I told him that he could help me thru this, he said "what else am I suppossed to do"...

I'm going to sound abrupt cause I'm rushing.

Your H will be foggy for a long while to come particularly if there is ANY CONTACT WHATSOEVER with the FOW.

It's important to focus on yourself and not on working on changing HIM.

Are you holding up your own end of RECOVERY, continuing to meet his primary ENs?

In early recovery, most of the work is often done by the FBS..

RECOVERY is HARD..was the HARDEST PART for me...

Because it's continued PLAN A, more GIVING than RECEIVING and the fogginess is right in your face...

Mimi, abrupt is good. What I need. I was doing an excellant job of meeting his needs until yesterday when the anger overcame me. The anger is clouding all thoughts right now, which leads to "he is the one who had the affair, why do I have to do all the work".

But you made an excellant point and I heard you. Thanks for the 2X4.

THE NEW WAY is the WAY IT NEEDS TO BE and IS SUPPOSED TO BE..meeting your H's primary ENs...Why would you want to resort back to the same behaviors that made your marriage vulnerable to an affair?



Typical fogginess..my H said SOME of the SAME STUFF in early recovery..IGNORE such talk of his...



UH-OH..This is a lifestyle pattern of his....It's highly likely that he wants to continue this style and wants you to ENABLE it...



EARLY RECOVERY..especially the first few months..is still wtih YOU more in the GIVING MODE...This is true even when there is definitely NC with the OP..but this isn't true in your case..

Your WH has not gone through WITHDRAWAL..ANY CONTACT WHATSOEVER STARTS WITHDRAWAL ALL OVER AGAIN..ANY BIT OF CONTACT WITH HER STARTS HIS YEARNING FOR HER..ALL OVER AGAIN...even just indirect referencing of the E-MAIL..even if he doesn't READ IT...Why not get rid of the E-Mail account/address..so she can't reach him...but of course she still can reach him AT WORK...and that is not at all ACCEPTABLE as MEDC says..I personally could not live with that one minute...Oh my, if I knew even today that my H could HAPPEN to bump into the OW AT WORK..OMG... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I would feel just as you describe BELOW or WORSE:

Yes, I'm beginning to realize that this a lifestyle pattern of his and he has always blamed it on me, saying that I was mean to him therefore he was flattered by the attention of a female. So since I'm really beginning to understand and ACCEPT this, I'm realizing how blind I have been and what a FOOL I have been. Why am I still with him? Because he tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. But he tells others that they are beautiful too.

They will not be working together after this week. His e-mail account has been blocked.

He says he does not yearn for her, that there is no withdrawl. Is that possible?

My goodness,
My fear is that your still buying into his passing the buck onto you (ie, you pushed him into it).
Sounds like this is your pattern.....and once your anger diminishes (and he's had a chance to work on you some more) ......you'll waver once again.
So very Sad.

Then his next trick is to blame the OW (ie, she tricked me, forced me, tempted me)
Dang,
when does he grow up and OWN up to his own choices.
First,
he did it cause he wanted too.
Secondly,
cause he thought he'd get away with it.
And on that score, it sure looks like he's right.
(Which is really your biggest issue).

Next,

Wow BF,
Yes its not only possible .......... from the information your providing .......its more like probable.

Why?
Cause from both the past and current attitudes/actions your H is exhibiting .....sounds like you've got a Serial Cheat on your hands.

So yes,
he's not worried about this particular Affair partner (as she's become expendable and a bother) ....he'll simple move on to the next one -- as his time, schedule and availability come together.

Your H sounds like he's Learning Nothing.
Really. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
He's basically getting away with abusing his power, position and authority at work.
Heck, he's even got the other higher ups working/scheming to get rid of his "little problem".

So even though he's the one that Betrayed his Responsibilities,
he's being given a free pass -- with his position, his apperance and HIS Reputation in tacked.
Where's the Accountability?
Talk about a user.

Unfortunately,
this is just a Continuation of the selfish behavior that entitles him to have A's in the first place.
You need to accept that.
As always its all about him, him, him!
Sure if someone's providing him something (we won't even go there) ....he's good with them .....but once they outlive their usefulness to HIS needs, wants, desires ....F'em. Move on.

In addition,
a wife that won't even do the bare minimum & expose him to the OWH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Then to reward your silence ....he does little to help you Heal and instead RE-places the blame back onto you (in many different and subtle ways).

What a deal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
Why Not Cheat? .......except for a few tears from the W (and having to act Right for about a month) ....What's the big deal even if you get caught? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Indeed the best part for him is .........most times you don't.
What a life! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

BS,
You've got much larger problems then just this OW!
(As she was NEVER the issue in any case).

And he's going to keep doing it,
up and UNTIL he finds out that doing so is MORE painful then adjusting his behavior.

However,
with his W, his company and his cronies all basically ENABLING him from Feeling Any Consequences to his actions .........He's got no incentive to stop.
So most likely, he won't. Sad but true.
Yea, miracles happen but don't count on it in this case.

Wishing you success in taking steps to stop the madness.
I'm afraid you'll stay miserable till you do.

Wow, top rope. You have said many things that I have not willing to say outloud to myself. I just don't allow myself to go there. Lot to think about.