Hello everyone. I am consolidating my posts due to the feedback. I did not realize that it is better to keep one thread. I have been jumping all over the place and creating a new post everytime I had a stray thought. I was told it was too confusing so here is the one post. Thanks for all of your support. It has been great!!!!

Me - BS - 35
Her - FWW - 35
3 children
10 year marriage
Affair was during second half of 2005
Emotional DD - 7/05 - 12/05
Physical DD - 7/06 - 10/06
NC since 12/05

Long story short. My wife had a ONS with a guy while she was on a girls trip that led to EA for six months. This was the 2nd girls trip of our marriage but also the 2nd in 2005. The one night stand was on a girls trip out of town. My wife went on the trip with a few friends, most of which were single. The group met a group of single guys at a bar. They drank, danced, and at the end of the night, my wife became sexual with the man and allowed the man to sleep in her room for the night. The following day, her day to depart, he talked about how they were meant to be, maybe soulmates and how they had to keep in touch.

They exchanged numbers and began to talk on the phone. This obviously led to an emotinal affair. My wife was in the fog and said hurtful things to me. She said I was not charming or exciting. She said she did not believe in the seriousness of marriage. She said that I needed to be doing more with my life.(We own 4 very successful businesses and have acculated decent wealth). She was discovered about 6 weeks after she returned after noticing she was acting different and now talking about "open relationships". Phone records confirmed the new friend. The next 4 months consisted of lies and more lies. In month 6, after some counseling and a marriage retreat, she confessed that it was an emotional affiar and broke it off for good. 6 months later in July 2006, she confessed that it was physically during the first night.

I am still in recovery. I go through ups and downs even though my wife is meeting most of my emotional needs. I have obsessive thoughts but my wife states that she does not want to talk about the affair because it withdraws from her love bank and she understands how bad it was. She says that is hurts her to talk about it.

Because I was lied to so much and given several versions of what happened that night, I still don't fully believe her story and I continue to ask questions. She gets very upset and defensive when I ask questions and will say things like "just think the worst" or "here, I'll make this up..I did xyz" and lets move forward.

She has changed as a person since 2006. She has committed herself to the GOD and the church. She reads self-help books so that she can learn to be happy with herself. She does not go out. She stopped drinking almost altogether. She has made her cell phone, email accounts and her current life transperant.

I can't ask for anything more but yet I can't help but to obsess over the physical part and the fact that she woke up the next morning and was not very remorseful. In fact, she continued the relationship. She claims that she was tramutized by what happened and "blocked it out completely". Yet she continued to develop a relationship with the single man. She states they never brought it up and just talked about friendly topics.

I want more details, more of her thought process during that time and want to know why she would do such a horrible thing, be "tramutized" yet continue the relationship and put me through lie after lie affecting me and my children.

Why can't I move on? I have a good day followed by 2-3 bad thought days. What should I do.

Other thoughts that I previously posted

My wife told me that this only would have happened with a single man because she would not want to cause pain to the family of a married man. Why is it that she would worry about a complete stranger but not care at all about me?

My wife at times is not very compassionate and comforting. She feels like since she has NC and is transparent that I just magically be better. She said I have to just not dwell on the past but look at the present and the future and trust GOD.

My wife does not think this forum is good for me. She thinks that it makes me dwell on the A and not on recovering and thinking "good" thoughts. I told her I would like for her to view/post herself so she can see the support and also the messages of hope from marriages that have recovered. That is why I am here. I want to know that I am not crazy and furthermore, things can and will improve!!!

My wife told me today that the OM was her friend and that she did not realize the pain that a friendship was cause. Yes, I was very upset and had EO's.

Today I feel despair and hopelessness. My wife says that this whole thing has taken a toll on her physically, emotionally, and mentally. She says that she is weak in the that is hard to support me. That was earlier in the day. She later said that maybe she just needs breaks in between so she can recover.

Lastly, why does my wife get so upset, irritated, down when I bring up the A or want to talk about how I am feeling. I want and need for her to comfort and reassure. She seems to having a hard time and I have a hard time understanding why it is so painful for her. I think it should be relatively easy since she is the one did the act.

"My wife does not think this forum is good for me. She thinks that it makes me dwell on the A and not on recovering and thinking "good" thoughts."

Well, tell her she can join the club. Most adulterors don't like their betrayed spouse reading here.

I hope that you will INSIST on talking about the affair and getting your questions answered. Just sweeping it under the rug is a HUGE mistake. You will not heal, your marriage will not be better, and it could happen again, either by your wife cheating, or YOU cheating.

That's straight out of the WS Bible of Common Expressions.

My FWW told me this too. In fact, she still suggests something similar from time to time - almost 2 years after D-Day.

Hope_full

Glad you put everything together-now there's a much bigger picture on your situation.

What I hear your WW saying is that it bothers HER to talk about the A, it takes from HER love bank, that SHE was traumatized etc. (and yes IMHO she is still a wayward-based on the fact that she is avoiding working through what she did).

You can't move on until she realizes the hurt she caused YOU and did to the M. You don't trust her because of what she DID.

If she is committed to God and church and improving, would she be willing to read SAA or Torn Asunder? Both are Christian books about healing from an A. Would she be willing to call the Harley's and get Biblical Counseling?

Torn Asunder is a good book for understanding the roller coaster of emotions that both spouses go through in recovering.

Keep reading and keep posting.

Hi HF.... I am not an expert by any means.... but am hear trying to learn and fix my own marriage after a very very very similar situation to that of you and your wife.... I was a WW and my husband is still up and down depending on the day.... after reading many many posts i have come to realize that he will need to heal on his own time table and all i can do is be there and try to provide for his EN's..... I as a previous WW think it is GREAT YOU ARE HERE!!! You will find many caring people who can talk to you and understand where you are at! Though some of the things even told to me were difficult to hear and I may have argued about at first, after pondering, re-reading, and praying.... I know that even the hardest of posts have had truth in them! Listen to them.... especially the ones who have been here a long time... they know the signs and how to get them into the open!

One thing I do need to say... (and I may be wrong... so if anyone needs to correct me please do so) You have every right to know everything that happened! You were betrayed! Part of the reason she may not want to talk about it is because of the guilt that she feels for what she has done.... Oh man did i not want to tell my husband!!!!
My only suggestion would be to go somewhere were the two of you can talk.... explain that you need to know everything that happened in order for the healing process to continue.... basically have an all out, one time discussion.... tell her that this just needs to happen this once and after all your questions are answered and EVERYTHING is out... you will have no reason to have to bring it up again.... part of her fear (i think) is that she will have to continue to re-live her mistake time and time again as she has to tell you... maybe if you set it up as a one time all out session it will allow her to realize okay... this is it.. i do this and I dont have to think about that night and explain it ever again...

this is just my idea.... I know for me... though my husband and I are still working on healing that he has not brought it up again after i disclosed it all to him and i cant explain how much i appreciate that.

LITW

Perhaps you could copy this letter into a word processor, and print it out for her to read.

Josephs Letter: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3005779

It often helps.

SS

WOW!!!! amazing letter...... HF you got to try it... what do you got to loose?!? Thanks for posting that SS.... very very touching.

I copied the letter, added a little and emailed it too her. She said it was deep but she thinks a lot of the story or pieces to the puzzle have been thrown out, burned and recycled. She states that neither of us really have the full story because she does not understand or she mentally buried it.

key word.... she thinks.... to me that says.... it is not completely destroyed....
Are you asking her to give her reasoning to why it happened or are you asking what happened?
I know there are a lot of things in my life i dont understand, but that does not mean it vanishes from my memory......
During her affair... or at the time it happened was she drinking or using drugs?
the only reason i am asking is because i had a situation a long time ago.... that was date rape... i was drugged and raped... everything from that night is extremely foggy, but even that i still remember bits and pieces..... but i can tell you as a WW.... as much as i want to mentally burn what i choose to do (key word I) it doesnt go away that easy.... Gosh i wish it did!!!!
LITW

My wife last Sunday finally admitted to everything about the affair. Mainly she talked about the physically part which all occurred on the first night out of town. She opened up and talked about the details. The details are not really something that husbands want to hear about, BUT the good thing is that she was able to come out of denial about the situation. Over the course of the last 2 years, she has lied repeatedly and used things like, "I blocked it all out, I can't remember, I was drunk, etc" to prevent her from dealing with the ugly physical affair. Now the truth is out, and yes she did remember with good clarity. She just did not want to face it.

She seems remorseful and for the day or so after she seemed to be depressed. She said it was hard to face me after she had admitted what she had done. She said that she was trying hard to convince herself that it did not happen.

Again, it is tough on me because based on the details, the man was very aggressive and did force things on her that she says she did not want fully. However, she admitted that she did not make a stand for herself and felt obligated because she was consensual in the beginning.

She says she tried to stop but he kind of forced her to continue. But, after it was over, he was nice again and she was good with everything. That is one thing that I just can't understand. Why and how was she so forgiving to a man she just met especially when it involved sex and adultery?

I guess that hurts. She committed adultery and she says it was kind of forced and was somewhat tramatic yet she still continued to be in a relationship with the man. They spent the night together and talked, hugged and kissed the next day thus beginning the emotional affair.

She says she blocked out that night. So, she blocked out everything that was bad about this man and only accepted the good, his compliments, his words of we are meant to be together, etc. His actions showed his true intentions. He wanted to be sexual with her within hours of meeting her. He forced himself on her. He even told her that he hoped everything worked out in her marriaged about a month later, yet in the same conversation, he wanted to meet up with her later than night(He was in town that weekend).

My wife repeats all of the "words" that he said. She will say, "Well, he wanted my marriage to work out"(yet he was the problem), or "We were just friends"(Yet, he continued to try to have sex and be intimate with her) or "We are so comfortable around each other"(Yet, she says some of things he did made her uncomfortable). She went on his words alone and totally ignored all actions.

She says she never address the physical affair which still points to her weakness. She says that the affair was emotional and that she did not have intent to be physical or sexual after the first night. Yet, she never talked about how that night made her feel. If given the chance, i am sure the man would have put her in the same situation. She knows she could not stop it the first night. She definately would not be able to stop it after that. They did meet again(New detail she recently gave me) in her home town but she says the meeting was brief, during the day, and only involved kissing and a few minutes of talking.

My wife has opened up a lot over the last month. Little by little she has started to just reveal the truth and not hide behind lies or cloudiness. So, it feels good.

So now, she is saying that she got it all out and we should just move on. In other words, you got what you wanted so don't bring it up. I admit, it does feel a lot better that she put it all out there. I feel like my mind was searching for the truth and that fact that she was denying me that was destroying our relationship. I felt a sense of relief from the admission, but at the same time, the details are difficult to handle.

Everyone wants to believe that their spouse is smart and intelligent and able to make good decisions. My wife did not during that period of her life. Furthermore, the type of guy that she was attracted to was so completely different from me. In fact, he seemed to be very common and like must guys at clubs/bars. He gave compliments and made her feel comfortable all while trying to sexual seduce her. She fell for it, enjoyed it and wanted to actually continue to have that type of relationship. I guess she was OK that he was a single guy and she would just have a friend that wanted to have sex with her a few times a year on trips or vacations. She said that was all that it would have been until she got bored.

It makes you question what type of woman you are married to. She just wanted to be some man's play toy and did not even really want a serious relationship. At least that is what she tells me. She now says she just was sick during that period and that was and is not her. All of her actions and crazy talk is answered by "That was not me", "Something took over my body", "I was possessed", "Voo-doo or something". Crazy.

She tried to destroy me with her words and actions yet she was very forgiving for everything this man did to her. She was OK with his lies(I won't try anthing if you go for a walk), his forced sexual advances(She says she was teasing him and he probably just got upset and wanted her to finish the job), his intent as a friend(I hope it works out yet still trying to meet up with her at 1:00 in the morning while he is in town with his girlfriend). She even tried to protect his character before the admission - he was a perfect gentleman, he was a friend, he wanted our marriage to work out, we have a lot in common, he didn't mean any harm, etc.

What do you do now? I feel like she changed and has been different the last 1 1/2 years but she has been very dishonest during the same time period in regards to this situation. She swore many times that she had told the truth. We went through vow renewals, Retrovaille, long letters, conseling everything and she lied during all of these event. Now she finally tells the truth. I do love her yet I know I have been lied to many, many times and trust has been completely destroyed. I guess, now, we can finally start to build some trust into the relationship if she and I continue to be honest. It is hard to feel that someone truly loves you when they can continue to hurt you with lies and deceipt.

Hopefull
FWS and BS - 36Dependents
Affair Period - 5/05 - 12/05 - Physical 5/05
Emotional D-Day - 7/05
Physical D-Day - 7/06

Hopefull, the solution to infidelity is honesty and maybe you finally have that now. Now there are no more secrets between she and the OM to which you are not privy. That is a START, albeit a painful one.

This latest revelation has put you back to Day 1, I am afraid. But the good news is that TRUE recovery can take place since the secrets have been removed.
Intimacy and trust can be built as long as there are no secrets.

Your next big task will be to identify the problem that led to this in the first place. If that is not identified and resolved, this could happen again. Do you have Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley?

Yes, I have SAA. She says that she felt that I did not truly love her. She says she had self-esteem issues and although I gave her the world and sacrificed for her, she still doubted my love. Also, she says she enjoyed the attention this new man gave her. She said a man had never made her feel as good as he did with complements all night. She said he was complementing her all night, saying how she was perfect and without flaws, etc, etc. He said what she wanted to hear over and over.

Yes, I guess technically it is like going back to Day 1 BUT it does not feel like it. Yes, she has lied time and time again but I do feel like the recovery will now progress much quicker. Don't really know why I feel that way, I just do. We were moving forward with the recovery but the TRUTH seemed to be standing in our way. She wanted to just bury it, act like it did not happen. I NEEDED to know.

I agree with this very much. I had no peace until I had the full truth from my H. Just knowing he was withholding facts about my life from me prevented my recovery and kept me enraged and mistrustful. So I do believe you when you say that you feel you can move forward and agree.

That being said, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to affair proof your marriage and learn to meet each others needs in a way that is fulfilling to you both. There was some unmet need in your marriage that made your W vulnerable to idle flattery from the OM. Perhaps one of her top needs is admiration? You can find out if you both take the emotional needs questionaires. Do you understand how meeting needs creates feelings of love?

Thank you MelodyLane,

We did go through the emotional needs questionaire. Again, even that now is confusing. Admiration was not a top need however she says her needs now have changed since the A. She says yes she wanted admiration and such prior but now she realizes that that is not what is important. I don't buy that completely. I am sure that prior to the affair she would not admit that she liked to be admired by other men. Now she says that she does not need that from them or even ME. I think she is still confusing "most important needs" to "needs not being met". Sometimes, we overweight the needs not being met and list them as the most important. I figure she is still confused, maybe. I went from knowing my wife for 8 years to not knowing her at all.

Has she read His Needs, Her Needs? Do you think she has a full understanding of the meaning of each need? The first time I took the questionaire, given by our MC, I answered it very differently than I did later when I had a better understanding of the meaning of each need.

There are articles on this website about each emotional need. I wonder if reading them would make a difference?

Yes, she seems to have a pretty good understanding. She just says her needs have changed since she went through the A.

Still up and down. When does this end???

Hope_Full,

It is indeed possible that her needs have changed. So I would suggest that BOTH of you retake the test. There is no cost and you might learn something.

I should also mention that you are in recovery and you won't really start to recover until she "gets it" which clearly she does not. All of her statements are excuses. None reflect that she has considered what you felt and have felt.

May I suggest you ask her this question. I would start with the following preamble. "Dear, I don't intend to watch you every moment of the rest of our marriage. I don't intend to even attempt to forbid you from going places alone. I don't intend to be your father or your mother. I intend to be the best husband I can be. What bothers me is this. I don't hear any plans from you about how you are going to protect yourself, your vows, your integrity. I don't hear any plans how you are going to protect the marriage, our family, our children, and yes even me. Given what you have done with a stranger, and what you let him do with you, what are your plans to prevent this from ever happening again?"

Until she makes plans to protect your marriage, your family, her love for you, your recovery is going to be a long slow one. Her comments, her excuses, her rationalizations don't constitute a plan or a goal of change of perspective. She needs one and it has to be her plan. You need to know it because in knowing it you can rest a bit easier and begin to heal.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Thanks for the feedback.

Although she was very slow on admitting the truth and being open and honest about the event, she has talked about what she will do to prevent this from reoccuring. Again, this has always been her stance. She wants to focus on the now and future and she was always willing(after she came out the fog in Dec 05) to talk about prevention.

She says, #1 is that she now has a much closer relationship with GOD and wants to do what pleases GOD. Also, she says that she is the type of person that learns from her mistakes. She says she now sees the pain and destruction that an affair can cause to her family, herself, her marriage, her husband, her life in general. She also says that she now has more appreciation for our marriage and she now sees how deep my love really is. She says she did not in the past and now that she truly feels that I have deep love, she would never allow anything like that to happen. Also, she says she now realizes that most people can be tempted. She says she would never put herself in that position again. She would not hang out with single women. Nor would she go to a club/party environment and drink if she was with her friends. She says she sees that she can not completely control a situation when dealing with men especially if she has been drinking. She says she thought in the past she could retain control and not let anything major happen. Yes, she was OK with flirting in the past. Now, she sees what flirting can lead to. So that is her plan, stay right with GOD, stay away from dangerous, tempting situations and be on guard against men if and when they approach her.

Hope-full
E & P Affair 05/05-12/05
Emotional DD - 12/05
Physical DD - 7/06

H_F,

And what are you thoughts about her plan? Have you offered any input? Has the plan be tweeked to include your fears?

JL