{{{{{{{{{{{SW}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your in btw a rock& hard place.

Hope your able to enlist the right professional support.

Women Centers in your area. Usually have general info night. Might be helpful too attend.

Complicated.

I think maybe your husband could go live with friends for at least a month so you can have your space. Tell him he HAS to enter in either as required by law or voluntarily into a program for anger management/domestic violence before you re-evalute him moving back into the house. Your brother is likely sick of hearing about this, and most "normal" men including my own brothers have little respect for a man who stoops to physically hurting a woman... and they'd of course wonder why you are defending him and want to let him move right back in after all of this.

Your step son's mother is right, kids don't need to be around this and shouldn't. If you and him can't "behave" so that children don't witness violence in their home - then at the very least there should be no kids in the home. I don't think you understand the seriousness of all of this and that him and you can lose your kids - this is on record now with the legal system, and you have relatives threatening to turn you in to social services. You are so caught up in your drama with this man. To men, children ought to come first before us selfish adults, crisis or not. Your family might be right, if you aren't going to protect them someone will. And if you go down the road of social services your life will never be yours again.

Are you ok financially without his help? Can you make it without him? Is that part of the issue here? You do need help here... please find some counseling, on your own, not with your husband (and for the life of me I can't even believe a counselor would be helping you work towards quick reconcilation if this has been repeated over and over again - which I'm assuming if your relatives are throwing fits like this - right?)... take care,

horsey2...
i have asked him to wait another month or so to come back home... he just doesn't seem willing.... i believe i can see what he is trying to do.... just come home.. and have a place to live... i believe he is trying to make me happy and work out the kinks in the marriage, but i AM feeling pressured... he is scheduled to come and pick up his things on april 1... which is HIS deadline for me... i have to choose...there is MUCH tension on my end... i need to take the time for ME to feel no pressure... to feel that this is the right thing to do... i need more time.... and i guess if he's not willing to give me more time, then this isn't right... i am going to try and find a womens crisis center to call during my lunch... i'll let you all know how i made out....

SW,

Thinking about you. Hope this weekend brings you much needed rest! Claim your boundry.

H2,

I hope the same for you! You have been through so much!Having such a young baby. It takes a good 2 yrs of post partum adjustment, for hormonal levels to adjust back to normal.

I grieve at that lack of compassion you and your child have received! You deserve a much better quality of life & so does your babe!

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Second, it sounds like he has an April 1 deadline to come home or he won't work toward reconciliation. This is a concern for me. I do firmly believe people can change, but it takes time and steps. I am worried that he knows how long he can go before he has another anger episode and wants to be home before that. It is harder to ask him/get him to leave each time. I want for you to have him home when you BOTH feel comfortable and I don't get that you feel that way now.

Third, I feel strongly that safety plans are a MUST in any situation where things have gotten out of control. It sounds like they did in your case, that is for sure. A counselor should be able to help you, but it should clearly define what is ok, what is not and what consequences will be for the not ok stuff. For example, my husband has supervised visits with the girls. If he gets 3 warnings for talking about the case, bathtubs (where the incident happened) or speak negatively about me the visit is ended. If he will not leave then the police will be called and a restraining order will be sought. Also, if he does more than hand holding at this point, the visit automatically ends and the above also applies. This is good for both me and him so that he can't justify to me that something is ok. I hope this helps.

If he is unwilling to make sure you and your kids are safe, then he is not ready to be around them or you. If he is truly sorry and repentant, there will be a willingness to put you first.

Please keep us informed!

Stressedwife,
I've never posted to you before. I normally post on GQII but, I am divorcing. I skimmed through everything on this thread and our situations sound similar in many ways.

I've been reading some pretty good books recently. Someone above mentioned Boundaries. That has been a real problem in my life; this is my second marriage. I don't have any!!!

I'm reading a book now on Emotional Blackmail. There's also a good book titled Peace at any Price.

I've dealt with a lot of this for three years now; separated. Lots of emotional abuse, some physical abuse.

I have been in counseling for 3-4 weeks now with a counselor at a women's shelter. It is free. The counselor has told me that she doesn't tell anyone what to do, i.e. stay married or divorce. She simply gives guidance based on her training and experience. She has told me that the chances of my husband continuing the affairs and the abuse are about 100%. He's in his early 40s and has lived his life in this way. He prays on weak women. I deal with a lot of junk from my childhood.

I am a reasonably pretty, petite woman with a good personality, a great support system with my family, I make good money and do well in my professional life. In my personal life, I truly suck!!!!! I am of the opinion that if I divorce my husband, I will remain alone and unloved for the remainder of my days. But, even if that were so, wouldn't that be preferable to the junk I have to put up with to have him in my life?

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on a tangent about myself. I just wanted to mention the books above and the women's shelter counselor. They can give you a perspective that is based on lots of other women in similar situations.

Don't allow yourself to be railroaded back into him being in the house or pushing his way back in. You need to feel comfortable and safe.

I am really beginning to see that life is too short. I have wasted 10 years of my life, 10 years of my daughter's life on someone that thought so little of me that he cheated multiple times and has beaten me down emotionally for years. I have to become my own best friend and get myself and my daughter out of this mess.

NO it's not right if he's not respectful of the boundaries you are giving him. NO. Of course he wants to move back home, but again, if there are no consequences - and you haven't told us how often this has gone on in your marriage, I'm assuming a long time - then it'll happen again. Abusive people don't respect boundaries.

Did you find a crisis counselor... or two. or three? Call them even at wierd hours on their crisis line, they are there to talk with you about this. Vent and give them details.

I would insist at the very least that if he comes home it's only AFTER he's enrolled and taking anger management classes for abusive men. He's apparently not repentant, and the Boundaries books and theories would say NO, someone who's been abusive has to be sorry, very sorry. He can't blame you for his actions (as likely he's doing, the whole, look what you made me do thing...

Think of your kids, you don't want them around this. Women I've talked to that have stayed with violence in the home, who's children grew up - they can see what's happened, this stuff repeats itself, when kids see it in a home they will be agressive. Your sons will treat women horribly, your daughters will be distrustful of men or they'll date an marry abusive men as that's what they grew up with.

Be brave enough to say NO, NO, NO to this.

Thank you all... my marriage is not one of physical abuse... anger management is needed for sure... he IS going through counseling and has been since october... it is working tremendously... we talked this weekend.. and i we decided that we would get this thing moving... he IS very sorry for the way he has treated me.. and has made great improvements on his changes already... we have put a time limit on these changes... if things do not improve within the next 2 months, he is willing to get an apartment and work on things from there...
he is definitely controlling and manipulative, but he is working on it.. and i have finally put my foot down... we are going through counseling together as well.. and we're learning to deal with these behaviors...
i really do want to give this marriage a try... as long as he continues with his counseling, i really believe things will be ok again...

Maybe this will work - you put your foot down and certainly got his "attention" this time around. Personally I don't know that control freaks really know what they are doing - some do, some don't. Your shrink can help with these issues. Time will tell.