TFC,

You said 2 wrongs don't make a right, correct? Well to quote old 2Long, 2 wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

JL

But you did have an affair. EXPOSE to everyone that can help end it is the normal protocol.

Because of his career, and because I am the primary caregiver I would get custody. I would keep the house because I can afford it on my own and he travels too much to worry about it. I never persuaded him to make these decisions, that is just what he/we came up with should we get a D.

His actions do not lessen my guilt at all, though it would be easier to handle if it did. He will be pissed if I tell him about my discovery, but will he really get over it? I am open to your suggestions on how to approach this with him ...

what i do isnt going to be right for everyone... I am Not handing my h over to ow. i am doing what i believe is Right in My situation. it all does not lead to handing it over.

i also think this ra of his makes her the "transitional woman". i believe the ra will End and he will come back remorseful and ready to work things out.

i say this believing that its an ra, believing that he would never have had an a if you didnt... that also leads to the "tit for tat" syndrome... is that how your marriage worked?

In answer to your last question, no.

I also do not think she needs to wait till he comes back remorseful... perhaps acting now will cut it off before it happens...heck, it may even save him from bringing home a STD or impregnating another woman.

I will get back to offering advice to the poster now.

I hope your situation works out as you hope.

i wasnt really asking you a question M. i was asking tfc if her marriage is based on tit for tat.

cutting it off now is ideal but i believe that it should be done without giving away the snooping aspect because he is so vehemently against it.

I didn't mean to spark a debate ... but I like seeing 2 sides so that I can weigh my options.

JLG - I'm not sure you would call it "tit for tat", but yes ... that is sort of how things go with us sometimes. If he does something to upset me, I withdraw. If I do something to upset him, he attacks verbally.

M - You didn't provide a suggestion on how to approach this with him. If I am going to, then I need a LB-proof way to bring this up and discuss it ... any suggestions?

In a word... honestly. "I have this information and even though it will anger you that I was snooping, I feel like our M is slipping away and am willing to do everything to help it survive." I didn't include a suggestion previously because you should KNOW as a recent WW the need to be open and honest in all of your dealings with your H right now. Just talk to him...he will be mad, know that upfront. But you need to talk to him anyway. And frankly, you need to do it sooner rather than later. Today sounds like a great day to get started on your new life. The longer you wait, the more this will eventually infuriate him when it comes out.

Thank you for your advice ... you have been straightforward with me and I appreciate that.

It's my nature to be that way. I sincerely hope your H comes around... you and your M deserve a second chance. I will keep an eye on your thread.

MEDC

It's time for exposure BEFORE he goes to stay with her. IMO it will at least let him know he's under the microscope in an adulterous situation.

Send him a few excerpts from the IM chats.....let him boil on that.

Whos the OW?? Have you any idea if she's married?

She isn't married. I know who she is. There is another one here in our hometown that he is at least involved in an EA with. I have copied the phone records of these 2 women and the IM log. I think I am going to give them to him tonight before he leaves and ask him to make a choice - and ask him that the choice be our family. What do you think???

No... do not give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you are doing everything you can to help your M recover from your A and that this will only harm it even more. Ask him if he truly wants to be married or if he is serious about getting divorced. If he truly wants a divorce, then you are in for a rough ride. My suspicion is that he is just hurt and mad about what you have done.... and rightfully so. Now, the reason you are bringing this stuff to his attention is so that you can save your M... not force him to make a decision. He needs to know you love him and care about him. He also needs to know that you are genuine in your efforts and remorse. He still may want to divorce or have an affair... but he needs to know this stuff.
Your A has placed you in a very awkward position here. You really have given him the greenlight to act as he pleases.... or at least that is what he thinks. I would let him know that while you will take full responsibility for your actions... and you have... that you will not one moment do things to repair the damage caused (meeting his needs and doing counseling) and at the same time tolerate him doing things to sabatoge those efforts. Your words will sound a bit hollow... but really, you need to say them anyway. Let him know that you realize how tough this weekend will be for him and that you want him to be home with you... not to celebrate your anniversary... just to keep working towards recovery.
Do not use your information to fight with him... use it as a tool to help him do the right thing.
What a tough place you are in right now... it really is a predicament that will be best handled with honesty and as much diplomacy as you can muster.

I agree with no ultimatums, but there must be concenquences. He feels justified as per your past behavior. This gives him no right, but it's his justification. He must know you know his lies, and want to work toward the M.

If he does not, and leaves with OW, then you ramp up the exposure and concequences. Your plan A will be short lived if he chooses to leave you alone and spend your wedding day anniversary in adultry.

THAT ALONE would send me into Plan b, but let's see what happens.

Remember, you bring it up matter of fact, no emotion other than CALM. It will be his choice.

Exactly how often do "friends" talk? If you are truly JUST friends with someone, how often do you talk to them?

Personally, I speak to my best friend of 14 years about 2-3-4 times/day. We speak for just a few minutes each time to catch up on the day, life in general, and any current issues. My H is speaking to a "friend" of his WAY more than I speak to my best friend, and I think WE talk a lot!

And is it appropriate to go downstairs IMMEDIATELY after SF with your W to text message your "friend" for 30 minutes? I am sickened over this!

You should be refraining from sex with him since you are unsure about his actions.
Once again... this is about YOU seeting your boundaries... not rrying to enforce any or questioning his. You seem to be having a very hard time with that concept.

I was just thinking about that as I came back to this thread ... it doesn't matter whether it is appropriate or not, I just need to let it go and work on me. Your posts to me are my new little voice in my head every time I begin to think the 'wrong' way!

bump for TFC

They aren't just friends though ... they were having an A - he even admitted to it.