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ok need some more help ppl... I need u guys to try and shed some light on this for me.. I will start from the day my w left. the day my W left to go stay at her moms... was what i thought at the time to take some time apart and think about things.. she was very emotional crying giving me a hug goodbye when I went to work and told me she will be at her moms when I get home.. so in my mind at that time was good she is still in love with me very much or she would have no tears and she just needs time to think.... but the longer we are apart the it seem I am lossing her.
then one day last week I ask her to come over just so we can talk... and we talked and she cried saying she doesnt know what she wants and is in a ball of tears... and at this point i am still feeling good because she must be still in love with me or there would be no tears.
and noow I find out about the OM that she has been talking to while we have been separated so I start with plan A and try to negotiate with her to cut all ties with him until we figure things out ... she tells me she will not stop talking to him and she wants to end the marriage I said fine but after 15yrs I think i can get a proper goodbye kiss and leave on good terms.... she breaks down in tears again and says she dont know and she needs time to think... I say fine take as much time as u need... then later that night i tell her I was talking to one of my close friends and told him the whole story what was going on cuz he was worried about me... she said did u tell him about OM I said yes and she lost it it and told me in a fit of anger that it was over.... next day I told her I wasnt going to acept that cus you were angry .. and she agreed.
now what I have asked of her is if she feels she still needs to call OM then I cant stop her but with out of respect for me and my feelings would you not see the Om even for a coffee or whatever until we decide what is going to happen... still waiting fo ans.
and the other thing I asked her but I dont know if it is a good idea or not... if she wants to move back to our home with the kids and I will move to my moms... just because we are both sharing the kids equal right now but when she has them I miss them and I dont feel welcome at her moms... so I said I would like to be able to come here to see the kids when I want... and i told her I'm not sure yet if that is what I want but just a thought and that it will only happen if she wants to work on our M.
oh ya I dont think I told u guys my W is supose to be on anti-depresants but she will not take them because of the side afects.... just the other night she burst out cring to me that she has no friends and that is why she is talking to this guy... but I dont believe that.
she just seeems messed up right now and will not seek outside help.
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One thing you need to learn fast is that while they're in the fogged out state of a EA or a PA, you cannot believe anything they say. They can cry, agree with you, swear on a stack of Bibles and look you in the eye as they lie through their teeth to protect their affair.
Her anger when she found out you told your friend is evident that the affair is running strong. Exposure of the A of any kind will drive WS's mad with anger. This was only one friend, wait till you do a proper exposure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
She may agree to not call OM or meet him for coffee, but ask youself this, CAN you trust her at all, or do you WANT to trust her so much because it makes yourself feel better? I can tell you that we will all travel down a road filled with lies, but I also know and understand that you must experience it for yourself before you can accept that your spouse is not who you think they were. The A has changed them, and until they are free of the A, everytime their lips move, chances are they're lying.
About moving back to your home and you moving out, I don't think its a good idea. She committed the A, why should you spare her the consequences of her actions? WS's need to realize at some point that their choice to be dishonest and break their vows do have consequences. A better reason NOT to do this is to protect your kids. I've seen so many threads where the WS's who were once doting parents pre-A started to neglect the welfare of the children to pursue their A. Not a good idea. YOU have to be the strong one here. Both for your children, as well as for your WS.
Dev
BS - 31 (me)
WW - 29
M ~2 years, No kids
DDay - 2nd Dec 2006
Exposed - 15th Jan 2007
NC started - 14th Jan 2007
NC broken 23rd Jan 2007
NC broken many times since
Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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Please don't move. We always suggest the wayward person do all of the moving. Plus it is very common for them to have the other person over to the family home, and then that causes even more problems for recovery.
You are still new in this. Keep exposing the affair.
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ok thnx for the advice ... I just though if I could get her to move back into the house it would be easier for us to start rebuilding our marriage if that is what she chooses.
oh ya gues what I just found out OM will be going away next week for a month or 2 .... just found out he works away and comes home for a couple weeks at a time.
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That is good. Stay the course. Let her see the consequences of her choices.
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ok will not move .... i didnt think it was a good idea just wanted some way to get her back in the house... so will I tell her she can only come back if I stay in the house and we both work on our M.
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believer may correct me (she's the expert), but at this stage, whether or not she wants to work on the M or not, its still a good idea to get her to move back in (with you around, of course). That way you can do plan A more effectively.
Of course, at this stage, she WON'T want to work on the marriage. You cannot control her actions or wants. You can only control yours. (I'm still learning this) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Dev
BS - 31 (me)
WW - 29
M ~2 years, No kids
DDay - 2nd Dec 2006
Exposed - 15th Jan 2007
NC started - 14th Jan 2007
NC broken 23rd Jan 2007
NC broken many times since
Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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Are you ready for the 2x4's?
You need to study Plan A better. Part of Plan A is exposing the A. Is OM married, have a girlfriend? You need to find out about OM and expose to his SO if that is the case. You need to expose to WW's family. Does your WW work? Does OM work with her? If so you need to expose to their boss. Your WW will do anything to protect A and OM. Don't let her. There are a ton of threads with people being reluctant to expose, but the ones that do have the best results. I was in that catagory myself. The A needs a spot light shining on it. Your WW will not choose you over OM without pressure on the A. That is a cold hard fact. If you allow the A then your M is over. Your WW will completely lose it when you expose and will spew the most horrible things that she has ever said to you, but this has to happen. The anger will go away over time, probably in 2 to 3 weeks. Everything she is saying to you now are excuses to hide the A. She is not considering you right now because of OM. The sooner you act the better.
Also, I wouldn't suggest leaving the house. Don't make her life without you easy and comfortable. She has to own her choices and deal with her consequences. Let her do what she has to do, but don't help her leave you. You do what you have to do to save your family.
You need an expert Plan A. It took me a few weeks to get mine worth a [email]cr@p.[/email] It is just now ,a month later, what I would consider solid. There is some trial an error that will happen while cultivating it.
Remember, Plan A is an exercise in bettering your self. Not working on your WW. This is when you want to fix the faults you had in creating the conditions that led to the A. You cannot fix your WW or work on her. You have to become a man that she can't dismiss and will want to be with. She needs to see the changes in you and that will get her thinking. Your actions will make her want to change. Become a lighthouse that she can see through the fog. I didn't come up with that, but it is a frikin awsome visual aide.
Step in experts, I don't want to give this guy bad info. I've only been here a little over a month.
Good Luck.
BS 33 EXWW 35 DS 5 OM1 9/06 - 03/07 OM2 04/07 - present Divorced May 8, 2008
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Sorry MMW,
15 people responded in the time it took me to reply to your post. A phone call slowed me down.
BS 33 EXWW 35 DS 5 OM1 9/06 - 03/07 OM2 04/07 - present Divorced May 8, 2008
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did proper exposer the last few days and told wife everyone knows..... she wasnt happy and pritty upset because she said she is only talking to him and everyone is going to think something else is going on.... I said... whatever.. it is what it is.... i asked her if she needs to talk to him then please dont see him at all even if its for a coffe or whatever.... she said no I cant tell her what to do.... bla ... bla ... bla
I think I am able to do a proper plan A or B ... as the hurt is slowly going away with suport from family and friends and u guys =)
oh ya exposed her to a good friend of hers and mine today.. this good friend was a BS and my wife helped her through it... said she is going to take her out for a coffe and see if she confesses up.
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ok ... is there any happy endings out there when u have a WW does she ever come around.... I dont know if I can be like some of you guys and wait 6 or 7 or 1yr for her to come around..... do i have any hope... fill me in on some of the rekindled marriages when there was a BS and a WW.
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oh ya ... our anniverary is the Mar 18th... and I dont know what to do... flowers and a hand written card is what i was thinking.... but i dont know... some days she is just so hurtful and other days she is fine and we have a good conversation ....if I dont bring up OM and ask questions.
she agreed to come to my house some time next week and have a one on one heart felt chat with me.... dont know what that means... guess we will wait and see.
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Hey MIW,
When this all started I told myself "I hope we can wrap this up in 2-3 months, cause I can't imagine doing this for a year or two"
But as it goes on, you realize that it gets 'easier' to handle, the initial hurt which was so painful and unbearable fades away eventually and as you're struggling along, the time just flies by. I look back and am amazed that its coming to 4 months since D-day.
End of the day, only you can decide how much you can or won't take, and nobody can blame you either way. As for hope, yes many have recovered their marriages from affairs, just a matter of if you're willing to see it through and follow the system (plan A/B) and a bit of luck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Dev
BS - 31 (me)
WW - 29
M ~2 years, No kids
DDay - 2nd Dec 2006
Exposed - 15th Jan 2007
NC started - 14th Jan 2007
NC broken 23rd Jan 2007
NC broken many times since
Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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basicly gave wife letter today and told her I am letting her go ... told her the old saying "if you love something let it go and if it returns it was yours and if it doesnt it never was" OM is away now for 3 months so i may still have some hope we will see.
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Is it a good thing to give such a letter while WW is going through withdrawal from OM?
Me FWH - 29
WW - 29
2 Kids; Boy 9, Girl 1 year
WW - EA/PA Nov 2006 - Current (Approx 16 weeks and ongoing)
Me FWH - EA/PA Nov 2006 - February 2007 (Approx 12 weeks, NC achieved)
WW Separated 11 Dec 2006
MC Dec 2006 (About 5 sessions, did no good save for a list of ENs)
Currently working on saving the marriage.
My Ongoing Story of Double Infidelity
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Just thought I'd tell you that YES there are happy endings, at least from Affairs anyway.
I was a WS and I would die before hurting my H again.
We love each other, our new M is strong even if tested at times with his deployments (stress and my fear & all that), but nothing is free you gotta work at it. WE ARE HAPPY together.
Our kids are happy.
But it does take time. TIME!!! affairs end because they are are built on NOTHING. And this OM sounds like user..... out to get what he can with no strings attached.
In fact it would have been easier all around for us to cut and run, at least in the short term. But am I glad he decided to give me another chance. I'm so glad he decided he would fight for our M. He's just .. well ... wonderful!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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MMW,
Yes WW do come around. It took me 7 months of Plan A. 4 months after NC for my wife to come out of the fog. Today she HATES the things she told me while in the fog. She can;t believe she was like that and is very sorry for it.
You need to jump on this 3 months that the OM is away. Become a mans man, fun, lively. Make plans for you and your wife. If she won't go with you then you still go with what you had planned. You become the only choice of man that she could ever consider.
Yes you will need to be there for her to talk to and lean on. If she is in WD at all she will be hurting and pining for OM. Nothing new here. My wife sat and told me many times that her OM was the one she was in love with and not me. What ever you do dont listen to this crap. All fog talk and nothing more. Help her move on.
you can do this - I did and I'm not special at all.
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33 2 kids DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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MMW. PlanA works if you make a plan and then EXECUTE it. Your alien WW will use her mind powers to screw with your thinking and make you doubt reality. When that happens just follow the plan, put your head down and follow the plan. Do not base your actions on the expectation of getting anything from you WW except tests. WW will test your resolve and WW will test to see if the changes you make in you are for real. Put your foil helmet on and keep PlanA'ing.
One thing helped me was training for the Arnold 5k Pump and Run. It gave me a goal outside of WW and forced me to lift and run. I did this for me, training to exhaustion in the evenings so I could fall asleep at night. WW noticed the changes though and she likes the new physique. Weird how doing something good for just YOU ends up being good for PlanA goals. DOH! that IS PlanA, becoming a better man. Do IT!
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MMW,
My Plan A just paid off. WW and OM appear to be over for good. Plan A and a tragedy in OM's life ended it. My contacting OM was pivital, it got his head spinning and eventually he couldn't live with himself any more. WW also fessed up to the problems in their R and in the A was ending naturally before the tragedy struck. She wasn't happy with the R and the way OM treated her. She began to doubt what she was doing. She started seeing the effect it was having on DS.
Now I have to Plan A her through withdrawl and hope for the best on the other side.
Check out my thread if you want to see how this went down over the last few weeks.
It never happens fairy tale, first you'll notice small changes and then they get bigger.
The best of luck
BS 33 EXWW 35 DS 5 OM1 9/06 - 03/07 OM2 04/07 - present Divorced May 8, 2008
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