GETTING READY FOR PLAN B [color:"red"] <~~~ LINK [/color]

I called him and told him to read the email, I said I didn't know where we go from here. He said or Great Nice way to start my Day! So what do I do know? What should I say to him? Do I just leave him alone for the next few days? What if he wants to come home?

I just don't know what to do and I'm afraid I'm going say or email something I shouldn't.

What do you suggest? A few guidelines would help?

I do feel better know that I got that off my chest anyway.
Thank you for your help.

Sue - there is a saying around here: "Do you want to be M or do you what to be right?" You need to keep the LB to a min. You don't want your WH to think to himself that he is right in what he is doing do you? You know "my wife is so bitchee that I do deserve the OW and to feel good." No no no - we don't want that.


Here are a few guidelines for you.

Plan A is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. It is not rewarding while you do it and it goes against your pride and ego. But when you gain the perspective of hindsight, you will feel the power of knowing that YOU held back the tide of the inevitable by an act of will.

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Thank you, I have been trying to practice the do's and the don't, and he actually keeps saying he can't believe how much I've changed. I'm like the old me, lost 20 lbs, not focusing on taking care of everybody else, showing loving actions, trying to "get a Life".

The don't are hard for me, I really act to quick and I don't practice patience enough.

I'm just not sure on how to recover from this one, do I call him and say sorry. Or do I wait from him to contact me?

What would anyone suggest? I'm just so afraid of doing the wrong thing and making it worse. I was really getting into the Plan A and know how important it is to show him the way our marriage could be, which is so different than it has been for a few years. I was orginally planning on doing the Plan A for at least another 6 weeks or so.

I'm sorry to be crying for so much HELP, I'm just feeling lost and confused.

Don't call him until you KNOW you can be in complete control of yourself and do a plan A conversation

This is complicated because we are separated, he stays at our other house. It is not convenient to commute to work but he could also stay with the OW.

I'm not sure when I will need to call him or for him to call me.

He did invite me on a 3 day trip for 3/23 so that will need to be discussed.

I guess I could have no contact for days, I just need to have patience.

Sorry for being so needy, but this is new to me and I want to keep my marriage together.

Thank you for your help advice and wisdom.

The Plot thickens. Well he called me this afternoon to give me an update on the stupid suitcase. I was very nice no LB's and so was he. I asked him what was going on and he started to talk, WH said that he was confused and had something going on that he couldn't talk about. He said he needed to go back to his therapist but I continued to ask what it could be.

He said he was not seeing the OW butt.... he was having a hard time because he "ruined someones life", I said who ME. No he said, so I said who the OW and he said yes. He felt guilty because her whole life is ruined now the husband left her and she can't make it on her own.

Well he had to go and I said we need to talk.

I followed up with an email and said he can't feel responsible for her life and he needed to stop all contact 100% especially if he feels that way. I told him he was an obstacle in the way of her repairing her marriage if she could. And that she needs to be responsible for her side of the affair and he needs to take responsiblity for his.

He just called me back and said he couldn't talk about this now he was drained, he knows what he needs to do and he didn't want to argue. He said I always have to "Tell Him what he needs to do" and he needs to figure himself out on his own. I said that was a bad habit on my part but I just do it because I care.

He is going to our lake house for a few days and we left on a positvie note.

I guess I need to just give him space now, How do I react to this one..........

ADVISE APPRECIATED>>>>>>>> What should next steps be?????

he's still seeing her

this is a smokescreen

how far is the lakehouse?

you did fine ... until the "but"

It is 2 hours away. Pretty far, I told him not to take any detours and he said "Don't worry myself about that, he's not going to her house" She lives 30 minutes away.

where is her husband?

can you call him?

Pep

The only way I know if he is at the Lake house is if he calls from Lake House phone. Should I tell him to call me, I used to do that and started to refuse and I think that's when the A got hot and heavy!!!!

noooooooooooo

call OW's HUSBAND

ask if he's keeping the kids for a few days

The OW's husband lives in HI from what I hear. She only has grown kids and a grandson. I think she lives alone but he goes over there on odd days and always has to call ahead it seems like.

What do you suggest..... No OW Husband in SIGHT!!!!

I don't want to drive to her house and bust him....

What do I do.

you do not have to "do" anything

but
they are not finished trying to deceive you

is H saying he wants to reconcile ???
...or is he just talking gobble-de-goo all the time?

Is the 14 year old the only child still living with you?

Pep

H has been staying here almost everynight for the past month. With the exception of the day here or there that he has some work excuse or something to disappear.

He says he's trying, he hasn't really said that he wants to reconcile although he did ask for us to see a MC. We went to one session on 2/1 and the therapist said we had alot of anger toward each other and we should not see each other for a while. Well from that day forward he has been Home most of the time.

We have the 17 year old living here and we also have the 14 year old that we had to send to live with his parents in MI for a while because she was having problems in school. We both took her to MI in early February and actually worked on that issue very good together.

We are juggling many issues within the family along with the M problem. It is a very long story but basically he did not feel at home here for the past few years. I had to have my disabled mother move in with us and she has increasing needs for caretakers. We always have our house filed with strangers and he wasn't feeling good. Not to mention that my time was always being taken up by Mother, caretaker scheduling, Kids, working, etc, etc.

That is why I think it is so important for a good Plan A with the many changes I have made to make it the house and home it should have been for a long time but wasn't. He is feeling more comfortable here every day and I think its just a gradual process to get him comfortable. It has been a very stressful enviornment for along time and will take alot of time to rebuild.

Sorry for being so long winded but its complicated and I'm just so happy to have someone like you "PeP" to discuss this with.

I appreciate all input and I'm so Happy to have found this site.

I just did a people search on the OW husband's name in HI, I finally got a address, maybe its him I'm not sure.

What should I do, send him a letter? This is weird? I don't even know if it is him? What would I say? Not feeling really comfortable about this?

Advise appreciated.

no letter
make a call
write out a script of what you want to say .... and what QUESTIONS you would like answered

Pep

WH showed up at home last night, just gives me a grin when I see him and says nothing. I asked him how the lake was and he said "Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies"

Every question that I asked he gave that same response.

So I'm sure he was with OW based on that comment. I just feel like telling him to go away, I'm really starting to wonder if I even want this to work out.

He was so distant last night, I asked him if he wanted a lunch and he said NO, than I said I was already making it, so than he said OK if you want to make it that would be nice.

I just don't know how to put up with this.

Do I just sit back and see if he shows up at home tonight or not? Its like he has all the freedom to come and go as he pleases and I'm just supposed to smile and look good.

How do you set boundaries?

HELP

WH just called me and I asked him what was going on with us. He said you want an answer right now, and I said yes. He said OK my answer right now is I don't want to be married anymore. So I said you want a divorce, he said a divorce or separated that's what I want right now.

I said why do you keep coming to the house he said cause I get to see my kids but you keep pushing and my answer right now is I want a divorce.

How do I respond to that!