AD,

No way are you an idiot, someone to put up with...you are a hero...saving your marriage...someone I admire for your choices.

Are you working on eliminating your permission to name-call and DJ? 'Cuz you're causing yourself a lot of pain and might even sabotage recovery if you choose to keep doing that.

You received a NC letter...how fantastic is that? So many BS here would have loved to have that...why are you choosing to make your WW's choices about you? To hurt yourself more? Do you think if you hurt yourself enough it will change the past?

And there you are, being truly brave, living from truth...bringing reality to your WW. You're not hiding, telling yourself it doesn't matter...you're not living in fantasy.

I see a deep need to self-congratulate...part of bringing reality to yourself, AD.

Way to go...know your bravery and commitment. In time, your WW will also. You know it for you, now.

LA

OK this is where I just rode it out - it does end. The longer NC is unbroken, the more she will come out of it and stop this. Then one day she will have an epihany and realise OM is none of her concern.

Look out, WW is going to register.... At least thats what she says.... Anyone ready for the other side of this?

Hi honey, ready to take the journy to be a FWW (former wayward wife)?

Welcome Mrs ABC. May your journey (and your work) onto MB bring unforseen happiness to your marriage and family.

Here is the NC letter from WW to OM and his W. It was sent via email by me this morning to the OM, and W of OM. I am posting it not out of some sort of victory (I am not foolish enough to think this is absolutly the end, but am allowing myself to be optimistic), but rather so those who may have followed this can keep abreast, or learn from my mistakes or successes. WW never did register yesturday, but she spend the day writing the NC letter. It was actually longer, but before I read it, I made the mistake of telling WW that it shouldn't be 4 pages long. Again, my control issues creeping in. I still have a lot to learn.

OM,

What began as a friendship so long ago has turned into the worst mistake of my life. I turned my back on BS and my family. I thought I had found a true friend and confidant, someone who understood me and accepted me without judgment. I never had the right to look to you for validation. I should have looked to my husband for those needs. I should have respected him, me and our family much more than that. I have failed as a wife, a friend to my husband and part of my family. I almost lost the one true person who although I may have felt took me for granted and did not pay enough attention to me, has always truly loved ME, the flawed and now pathetic me that I have become today. Given one wish, it would be that YOU never happened. I will never absolve myself of my part in our affair… yes affair. Up until recently I called it our relationship, how stupid of me. Although I understand every part of our affair was wrong, I also understood (thought) that you shared the same exact feelings of not being understood, not appreciated and taken for granted. I thought we were “kindred spirits” as you validated my every issue and pumped up my self worth on a daily basis. I will not get into he said or she said any further. It happened; it was the worst thing I could have done to my husband, my family and myself. Those are the people that I am accountable to and those are the people I should have had validate my self worth and inadequacies.

I love BS and am grateful that he can still look at me. I have caused insurmountable hurt to him, both with the affair and then my insistence after the fact about obtaining some semblance of closure. Looking back I should not have needed the closure. I had a new door opening for me and BS that was much more than I ever shared with you.

I look at my children, one thankfully young enough to get by, and the other that has been seriously harmed by my actions. She has seen her mother in tears, her father in tears and probably heard much more than a 7 year old can bear. Her pain is one I will always bear.

I have opened my actions up to the judgment of my parents, my friends, and my co-workers. I realize the amount of people I hurt with my selfish behavior. Some things I can never make up for. I intend to spend the rest of my life professing my undying love and gratitude to my husband for his love that I now realize for always there, was unconditional and is the one constant that will never change.

I now see BS for the man he is, one with more love to give than I ever imagined, one with compassion and such depth. One that could take care of me after surgery, days after finding out that I had completely disregarded our vows. One that wants to work on our marriage, make us better than before, one that can accept for who I am. One that will take the good and the bad as long as its with me. The one that has always stood by me, even in this horrible time. I thought I was lacking so much, in retrospect it was there; I just should have fought for him, for us, instead of allowing myself to hurt him. He has shown me that the love and trust we built over the past 19 years cannot be destroyed by what I thought I felt for you. My trust now and forever will be with the man that has loved me almost all my life and that I will love going forward more fiercely than I ever thought possible.

Our actions were wrong, but they were ours. It took two.

I made horrible and nearly fatal decisions during the last year. You are the worst mistake and worst part of my life to date. I can only hope that in the future, with BS by my side, that I can begin making decisions that will benefit and make my family stronger. I love my family and am starting a new outlook. One that includes complete honesty and love for my husband, my family and eventually for myself again.

If this letter is actually sent it will be the last I have to say. The last I ever want to hear of you and from you. I regret everything that happened wish no further contact from you. There will be no further contact from me.

WW

abacus,

It seems to be a true NC letter. It also seems she has put some thought into it. Have you thanked her for doing this? If not you should. It seems she is truly trying now and the fog is starting to clear.

God Bless,

JL

Wow, I'm amazed. Your wife wrote a good one. They usually are not very sorry so early after the breakup.

Hope your wife will do some posting here so that we can help support her.

I feel like that is a letter written from me! I was a WW who had an A with the DA (dumb [censored] and we refer to him now) that lives directly across the street from us. His children (now 10, 8 and 4) and ours were “best friends” during the A. I told my H about the A and also told OMW. I told my H (as well as an email to MOM so HE could tell his W). I gave MOM 3 days to tell his W. He didn’t so my H and I told her. It was the right thing to do. What I did was SO STUPID but at least I am TRYING to make things right.

But, it is possible. We still live directly across the street from them and are refusing to move. I have apologized to OMW twice, have let our children play, etc DA has not apologized to either of us. We laugh because he can be outside or just come home from work and will immediately go inside or to their back yard if he sees us! What a DA!!!

My point here is to let you and your wife know that there are others like you! My email is [email]aandk24@hotmail.com.[/email] I absolutely understand if your wife doesn’t feel comfortable posting on MB. I understand that (and am a bit uncomfortable myself)! Let her know that there’s someone, like her, who wants to help, listen and offer whatever advice I can! It she doesn’t feel comfortable, maybe you could email and I’ll have my H read and respond. He knows how hard it is! He won’t post to MB but will definitely respond to an email since he’s been there and knows how had it is! But, it is POSSIBLE!

Good luck! I’m very excited because I’m reaching my “R” instead of “F” (recovered vs. former)! It’s only been 8 months!! It’s possible! Good luck! Please get your wife to email or post. She needs a place to “vent”!

Hi aandk24. Thay you for your reply. It's now 1 month past D day. WW and I have made a effort to be very visable on our street. We have a social street. We made efforts to repair any damage with our other neighbors and have socials. It's sort of our way of "marking" our territory. The OM and his W have stayed indoors, kids in the backyard. They have started the pre-move cleaning but still haven't put up a for sale sign. However, them being there is a constant reminder. The OM's W said June, and I can't wait till the reminder is gone.

Futher, WW has begun the fog clearing. I wasn't aware of how painful this was going to be for HER. She hurts as much (she acts like it's more) than me. She says she has to deal with the guilt and shame of what she did, PLUS the self esteme hit that it didn't mean the same thing to the OM as it meant to her. Even though it was a fantasy, it was still a form of love. She has constant reminders, every place "they" have been makes her recall what she has done to our family. Least that's what she says...

I don't know if I could be as good a sport as you. I am trying so hard not to LB and to meet WW ENs. But its still very hard. How long do you think before WW becomes FWW. According to her, there has been NC for almost 1 month, except the exchage of NC letters and the one time she tried unsuccessfully to C OM.

I still have trust issues. I believe her when she tells me, but when we are apart, my mind plays out all sort of scenarieos....

It sounds like you are doing well, all things considered. It will be much better when they move. I do think that the affair is over, and she does sound like she is out of the fog.

I hope you are spending 15 hours a week together doing fun things, without the children. Also keep meeting her EN's. The affair was just a symptom of something else lacking.

Hi Believer, yes.. We do spend quite a bit of time together. Much, much more than pre A. At first, I wouldn't have called it "fun". We were dealing. But slowly, the hurt hurts less and the unwanted thoughts pop in less often. We are having more fun, and I have several romantic get aways planned starting April 15th. And of course, the scrabble matches are getting quite competitive!

I DO believe the A is over. Now we just pick up the pieces..... I love my W. Everything else is secondary.