I'll try this again. Had a problem posting the last one, which was windy. Background...I'm 38, wife is 50. Been together for 13 yrs. total, 2 married. 10 year old daughter.

Have had a realtionship that has been a great partnership. We get along really well, laugh, joke, etc. Share similar goals, philosophies. She has not been overly affectionate toward me since my daughter was born...10 years ago. Not many random hugs or I love yous or spontaneous hand holding. Sex life pretty much consisted I think of my suggesting it, and sometimes pressuring her a little for it. If I didn't make it happen, it probably wasn't going to.

Still, we pushed on with life and I love her, but have always known that she didn't have the same fire for me. I thought much of that was because our daughter had become a focus for her.

Recently, my wife got a new job. A career job, which is something that she's never had before. She is buried / overwhelmed all of the time. After a routine arguement a week ago, she put her cards on the table for me. Was tired of feeling pressured by my for sex, doesn't want it, isn't interested in it. Said that she knows I love her, but she doesn't feel the same way. Sure, we're best friends, and we share a lot together..but she doesn't see me that way, and can't give me what I deserve. Can't go on pretending and putting up a front. Nothing has to be decided now, but if we decide that splitting apart is the best way to go, then that's the way it should go. Ever since that point she has completely locked-up and will not discuss any longer. Told me not to push her because she's right on the edge.

So, we have existed the last week in a functional, yet distant state. Over the weekend, she told me that she didn't know what was going to with her. Said she was uncomfortable in her own skin, that eveything was irritating her, doesn't like the way she looks, the way she feels, is worried about her job, and a host of other things. Said she doesn't know what it is, just knows the way it feels.I asked her to make an appointment to see a professional. She agreed to do so, but it would have to wait because she's buried at work.

I thought there could be an outside influence, an attraction / affair, but I'm not really sure. She wouldn't have much time to pull it off. Still, the sudden "snap" has me wondering.

I love her and want this to work. I have to say that I am angry about getting to this point after all of these life milestones, only to have a woman who I thought was a committed life partner tell me the old "it's not you, it's me" speech.

Thoughts, ideas, questions would be really appreciated.

Welcome. Read all about the emotional needs here, and start trying to meet her top three. Maybe she would take the questionnaire.

There is also the chance that it is menopause related - definitely NOT a fun time in a woman's life.

Couple of things struck me about this. 1)The age difference. Not important in the big picture but maybe at this time her life.

Having just turned the big 50 myself... I can relate with the things she's saying... milestone city. I hate to say it (no 2x4's please) but could it be a hormonal thing going on? I know that's been part of my deal here lately. Perhaps with the age difference... her imagination is getting the better of her about how you feel about and "see" her?

2) If the answer above is no. Is it possible there's another person in the picture?

Whatever the answer, you've come to an excellent resource for answers. There are many MB (Marriage Builders) pros on here that can help you walk though this. LISTEN TO THEM. I'm not one myself, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. I'm speaking purely from a woman's point of view.

Thanks for the response. I don't know about another person in the picture. That idea entered my mind pretty quickly, as I thought it was possible. I don't know if she would have the time for an all consuming affair, but I think that there's a possiblity that an attraction of some kind could be happening. Since the cards were put on the table by her, I have been looking for signs, but haven't found anything blinking completely red. Now, she is going on an outing next weekend to a casio with a bus full of co-workers. Very odd for her to want to do something like that. But, she says that it's important to be visible where she works. I'm highly skeptical because it just seems odd. Not giving me much detail about it...went and had new nails put on over the weekend, focused on weight loss. I have to be careful because I can either sit and talk myself right into the fact there's something else going on, or it could be that she's 50, afraid of getting older and unattractive, so she's acting in that way. Of course, she has denied any involvement or interest in anyone else...which is something that people that are involved would deny anyway.

Any chance you could go to the casino too? If she insists that you don't go, I would be suspicious.

Tried that angle. Asked if this was strictly employees, or if was employees & spouses, or whomever. The story I got was that the trip was originally completely booked, but then a few openings came up..about 3, so she decided to go. She had told me about the outing a couple weeks ago, before the "snap", and had declined to go at the time. Then the opportunity came up again when a few people cancelled and she decided to go this time. Have no reason to not believe her about the opportunity just resurfacing, and I do beleive the cuture is such that appearing at a social outing is viewed favorably. Still, I can't feel completely comfortable with the idea in light of the circumstances.

Something that I wanted to add also is the fact that my wife knows that I'm in great pain. However, she will not discuss this with me at all. I have been to see a counselor twice in the last week. After she mentioned that she should probably talk with someone, I gave her this counselors card, and asked her to give him a call. This was Saturday. When she arrived home tonight, I aked her if she had the time to give him a call. She got somewhat defensive and told me, "no, the only call I had time to make today was to cancel my nail appointment next week. I asked her to please call soon.

I feel really caught between being very desparate and really angry. The fact that she refuses to discuss this,when we both know that something is very wrong, just compunds the entire problem. I think the fact that she sees that I am in obvious pain, yet chooses to just bury herself in work and just puts this issue on the back burner is completely selfish of her. At what point do I start to have the right to confront this issue? How long do i have to stay "backed off", before I can't take it. I'm trying really hard to give her the space that she needs so as not to push her away. But man, when does this all stop being about her?

thanks

The fact that she doesn't seem to care that you are hurting, and has no time to make an appointment is worrisome. Do you have a friend who could go to the casino and watch?

No, I don't have anyone that can go and watch. Wish that I did. I have been trying to do some montioring on my own here at home. Checked cellphone, belongings, etc. Have montiored computer adn can't come up with anything there either. So, there is a part of me that thinks that this is all a little abrupt and fairly classic. I have read through some of the other threads here, and when the blow up happened, I did get a variation on the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." line. I got a "You're my best friend, and we have a lot of fun together, but I just don't feel the same way you do, and I haven't for a long time." And that's true..she hasn't but overly affectionate to me for years now, so it's logical to me that maybe she hit a braking point of feeling frustrated by that fact, and maybe she feels frustrated in general. She is also acting very irritable with everyone. I think the thrusting herself into her job is a defense mechanism for the guilt that she's feeling...which makes me wonder even more. She knows that I'm a little skeptical of the bus trip because of the questions that I have been asking. I don't know if I have a wife here that is overwhelmed by life and frustration in our relationship, or if she's up to something else.

To add a little more...a little fearful of exposing this. Wife is able to access work email accts. via home computer. To accomplish this, a device that generates a random code at certain interavals is needed to log in. This device has sat in the open for several weeks. A couple days after the cards on the table conversation....I got curious. W was working at computer and i I happened to walk out as she was shutting down. Saw something on her screen that caught my eye....an email exchange with some friendly wording. "Goodnight", and "goodnight Irene" from the other party. My antenna went up a bit. Later in the evening, when i thought she was in bed, i attempted to access her work email. I had moderate success in seeing a couple things. First, the email exchange that I thought I saw were seemingly inoccuous...some movie quotes and odd comments that suggested familiarity. The other email that caught my attention was one that referenced the upcoming bus trip where there was an implication that this person was coming to the casino, but didn't know what my wife looked like. Still, putting the two emails together, I wondered if there was something at large here. While I was in that discovery process, my wife had come downstairs twice to ask me a question. The first visit didn't bother me. The second visit made me think that she was a little nervous about what I was doing on the computer. Shortly after viewing those emails, I wasn't really sure what I saw. I thought I was possibly highly emotional from the news, or that maybe I had stumbled onto something. I went upstairs to let her know that I was running to get smokes, which is about a 10 min roundtrip. As I was driving, I thought about those emails and what they were about...trying to find a context. I decided that I would check again. When I got home, the device to log in was gone, and has been hidden by her.

i know that it screams that something is going on, but when I try to put together the logic, it seems hard for me to believe that she would even have the time. I know that she is extremely busy at work....too busy to carry on a weird email realtionship with a guy that she has never met personally. Or, there's another in her office now that she may have an attraction for, and it's mutual. If those theories aren't correct, then I have to believe that she's being honest and telling me that she "doesn't know how she feels" and that she's "numb to life" and needs space. I know that's a bunch to digest, but that's the reality of what I'm facing.

Hi Zimm,

There are a few red flags I see which could indicate an affair, if not a physical affair (PA) then at least an emotional affair (EA).

1. The sudden need to improve her looks, lose weight, hit the gym are usually one of the signs of an affair.

2. The email exchanges that she seemed so worried about you seeing and the subsequent hiding of the code device. Spouses who have nothing to hide would not do this.

3. The classic wayward spouse speech "I love you but I'm not in love with you"

4. The sudden need to go for the trip and not inviting you along, and meeting up a guy she's never met. Maybe a cyber-affair?

Just my 2 cents

I agree, but I think even a cyber-affair is difficult for her to pull off. I know she has no time at work....I see the piles of work she brings home in printed form and have noted dates, times, etc. Still, I am bothered by this and agree that there are red flags all over. I'm just wondering if I am reading a bunch more into this than really meets the eye or if I'm not far from the truth.

Well, listen to what your heart is telling you. If one spouse suspects the other of cheating, coupled with multiple red flags, then its usually true (not always, but most of the time).

Perhaps she has lots of work to bring home cause she's busy chatting with OP in the office?

Continue snooping, check her mobile phone logs etc.

Not sure what my heart is telling me at this point. There's a logical side to me that knows that even an EA would be tough for her to pull off due to time constraints. Along with that is the fact that we aren't kids here. She knows fully well what the ramifications of our splitting up, no matter what reason, would be. And, she's been around the block enough to know that eventually the affair turns into a relationship...just like she's in now, with expectations and committments. However, I can't ignore the possibility that the potential for this to happen does exist and there are at least some suspicions on my part at this point..although, I have nothing concrete.

The other part of me wants to think that she really is legitimately stressed, isn't & hasn't been happy with our marriage...and is just generally hormonal, feeling like crap, and is confused about life. I keep thinking that if I give her this space, that she will decompress over time, and that we can begin communicating and working on getting our marriage to what it should have been all along. The fact that I'm not supposed to ask about or talk about this is driving me crazy though. I can't continue to come home and spend the evening with my mind racing and not communicating about it. The non-communication is her choice.

Unfortunately, that all sounds familiar. I too thought that my FWW didn't have the time or opportunity to have an A. And I also thought she was stressed out. And, like you, I made up excuses to explain away my W's behaviour.

The reality: She did find time for the A, and one of the main reasons for her stress was likely trying to live two lives and keep the A hidden. And I felt like a fool making up those excuses to explain away behaviour which in hindsight should have made it obvious that she was involved in an A.

And as for the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech - that typically happens because the WS is now comparing the feelings they have for you to the feelings that they have for the OP.

At the very least, even if she is not involved in an A, your W is not participating in your M, and shows signs that she has no intention of doing so. so, what's your plan?

Thanks for the response. I don't know what my plan is at this point. This behavior is a week old. Any attempt that I have made in the last week to approach what is happening with her has been met with an outburst of "You're pushing me over the edge..back off." And that's within 3 minutes of conversation.So, I've backed off and am existing in pain in the hope that she "comes to her senses" I guess. She did take the card for the counselor this morning, so I'm assuming that she is making an appointment.

There's a real aspect here for me of not wanting to have to take that next step, but I feel like I can't just sit back and let her call the shots on what's going to happen either. Really could use advice on what to do next.

Since I suspect something going on revolving around the upcoming bus trip, I thought of asking her to just forget the trip and to go spend the day as a family instead. Of course, I think her reaction would be to lash out at me and tell me that she's already agreed to go, therefore, that's what she's doing.

I'm uncomfortable in leaving this in her court however.

Zimm,

The e-mail incident you cite is very worrisome. But even if your wife is not currently having an affair, your description of her behavior makes it sound as though she may be vulnerable to one.

Keep checking to see what is going on, but try to avoid any behavior on your part which will only push her away from you. The stakes are very high; you need to become the stable partner.

Read about Dr. Harley's Plan A, which is beneficial whether she is having an affair or not.

If she is having an affair you'll find out soon enough, then you'll have some tough choices to make.

Thanks Hiker. The email incident is worrisome, but as I mentioned, I wasn't able to find anything solid in there either. The dialoge was pretty tame, and I could easily be turning it into something that isn't real. It was something along the lines of the other guy asking her what she was doing working so late, and she replied with "reading your cute emails"...telling each other goodnight, joking a little bit. Not a big deal, and it was obvious that they had not met personally. The concern came for me when the code device was hidden right after I discovered the email. So, although the emails were pretty innocent, the effort to make sure that there wasn't a way for me to access them really got me suspicious.

So..what do I do? I have my suspicions, but have nothing concrete to support them. I also cannot discount the fact that she really is having some sort of other issue, i.e. menopause, getting older, etc. She is clearly a conflicted person.

However, not communicating with me about this and letting me kind of sit & speculate as to what might be happening is maddening. I want so much to just be able to talk with her and figure something out, but I can't push. I feel like if we continue to just leave this hanging with no communication happening, that that divide will grow deeper. I will become more confused, angry, hurt, and if she is having some kind of an A, it gives that more time to grow 7 take on a life of it's own. I feel like I should be hoping for the best but preparing for the worst all at the same time.

As you will discover when you read up on affairs, people become vulnerable to an affair for a variety of reasons.

Your wife may or may not be having an affair, but from what you have written it sounds as though her current emotional state leaves her open and vulnerable to that possibility.

So what can you do? Your choices are limited. How do you improve a relationship with someone who is pushing you away?

First, stop pressuring her. Avoid conflicts. Limit your discussions with her to things she is comfortable with; probably small talk.

The e-mails you found may seem innocuous now, but messages like those can easily progress to the point that she engages in an emotional affair. It isn't necessary that they physically see each other for a relationship like that to damage your marriage. It is a serious danger sign whenever someone of the opposite sex becomes a confidante of your spouse.

Once again, read about Dr. Harley's Plan A.

I appreciate it Hiker. Yes, those emails do seem inoccuous on the surface, but I am aware that there is a high vulnerability right now. That's why I am really skeptical about the upcoming bus trip. there's really nothing I can do though. If I ask her to not go on the trip, I'm pushing her. If I sit back and let the trip happen, the possiblity that the what are now flirty emails will develop into something more. Then again, she just may be going to have a good time at the casino.