Zimm,

If you confront, will she lie? If she lies, and you have no proof otherwise, what have you gained?

Another arguement, and your W will only dig in deeper.

Think ahead.

I am trying to think ahead, but I also know that the cat & mouse game has to stop for me mentally. Constantly trying to put pieces together, wondering if I'm crazy but knowing that I'm probably not. The hope that "maybe" this will all be one big mistake, but knowing that probably isn't the case either.

I feel like I've done enough suffering and feeling powerless at this point. I know that the healing, for all of us, will not occur until she starts being honest. Still, I respect what all of you are saying. Get something concrete. I just don't know how quickly that will come and I feel that I have to put myself in a different spot mentally.

It is wise not to confront and to lay low until you have concrete proof. Otherwise they just get sneakier and sneakier. I wish I had done that. I kept feeling a need to confront, and WH just lied his way through one thing after another, coming up with a "plausibe" excuse.

That is extremely hard on a BS, as it makes you start losing your love.

The underwear thing is so strange. I never thought she would think of hiding them!!!! As a female, I can't ever remember hiding my underwear, my whole life.

Been there, done that.

If your gut is telling you that she is in an A, trust it.

Mine definitely did...I didn't want to trust it for too long and ended up feeling very ill, nauseous, not being able to eat and sleep....I went to the Dr's and was put on AD's....my FWH was trying to make me to think I was crazy.

You are not crazy.

Exactly, and that's how I'm feeling right now. I don't like who she is at the moment.And after two full weeks in considerable pain, I've reached a point where I'm tired of feeling that way. Tired of the hiding & sneaking, and tired of reading something into every little movement and sentence that happens. Am I losing my love? I don't know. I look at her sometimes and my heart just melts. Other times I just wish she would go away. I kind of found myself enjoying her being gone last evening. My stress had diminished to some degree, and didn't start back up until she walked through the door. Now I know I'm in for another evening of carrying on as though yesterday was a figment of my imagination, yet I'll still find myself digging through the hamper later on. Is that any way to live?

Just an update here. Came home tonight, business as usual. Did my best to Plan A. Came home, scrubbed the kitchen floor, cleaned it up until it sparked. Domestic issues are a big issue for W. Was reserved, yet open. She is hiding from me pretty much. Always something to do...exercise, shower & hair. She is just about physically drained at this point. Stress of the job, and I can only assume the stress of her situation is getting to her. Stomach is knots, headache, etc. Has pretty much been that way since the first signs of this. Guilt has a way of doing that to people.

Still...looked in the clothes hamper. No sign of yesterday's undergarments. Tried pressing a little for details of the day, but didn't really get anywhere other than some chit chat about not having any luck. Checked her cell, and now she is covering her tracks there as well...dialed & recieved call histories are deleted. So, she's clearly hiding it. I keep hoping I'm crazy, but know I'm not. I had to sit on my hands all evening to not confront, but managed not to.

Someone earlier had posted that whether this is an A, not an A, false alarm...whatever this is, the way she is treating me is unacceptable. I don't know how one goes from functioning in what is a seemingly nomal relationship to rooting through the dirty clothes and grabage cans trying to connect pieces of information, but that's the point that I'm at. It sucks being here, and I'm beginning to wonder if this is all worth it. Not the kind of life I want to live, very unhealthy mentally. I do love her (the older her at least) and do want it to work. I do have to say though that I wonder how much I'll have left in me to make it work.

Buddy, you should not do anything that degrades you, and if digging in the hamper fits that description, don't do it. I mean it.

I understand. Just frantic for answers unfortunately.

Zimm, gaining proof is not going to make this any easier "believe me". But it will get the truth out in the open.

You will have some tough decissions to make.

No, I know that it won't make it any easier, but I do need the truth. The healing can only begin when all the cards are finally on the table. And I know that part of the healing process is probably going to be some more pain, but it is better than the purgatory stage here.

I'm still trying to get through the shock I think. It's been 2 weeks of absolute ******. If you would have told me a month ago that I would be tracking down whether or not my W was having an A, I would have told you that you were way off base. Pretty incredible to go from what was ostensibly a happy(according to me at least..I'm learning!) marriage to in a few weeks time trying to find secrets, not communicating, going through a range of emotions... desparation, anger, longing, hope, disappointment, etc.

And then I find this place and all of you tell me to put my best foot forward! Are you people nuts? I'm kidding. I don't know if my Plan A is being noticed or not. I am trying very hard not to talk about marriage, issues, etc. I'm coming home, engaging in the conversation that she will extend, but not forcing it either. Have been trying to show support in domestic issues, house cleaning, etc. Except for the slip on Sunday before the trip, I've been pretty well reserved. Hope that I didn't ruin progress with that slip, but it's over and all I can do is move forward.

Why not ask her point blank where those sexy new panties are that she bought? Tell her that you want to see her in them.

I don't know that is a good idea at this point, Owl. Without much else to back myslff up with, she could just very easily turn the tables on that one with me and make me think I'm crazy. Give the "so what, I bought some new underwear" routine.

CZ, the domestic help is a good thing so keep that up. You've said that your M has always been somewhat asexual. How often did you do it before your W started her new job? Was that enough for you?

I will keep up the on the the domestic front. Thanks GC.

As far as my wife being asexual..I should probably clarify. She just wasn't "into" sex. I think like any other relationship, it was real hot at the beginning, and as the newness wore off and obligation & expectation came into play, the passion fell off. It took a really ntoicable drop after my daughter was born, and has been that way ever since. So, I think she was having sex because she felt that it was easier to keep me pacified, and it became a bit of an obligation in her mind. And, I suppose it became an expectation of mine. She hasn't suggested sex since my daughter was born, and that was 10 years ago.

We probably averaged once a week or so for the last several years. It got to the point where it was just me engaging her, she wasn't necessarily asking for it or desiring it.

When the shoe dropped here a couple weeks ago, that was one of her big issues..."doesn't want sex, it's gross, don't have time for it, want to be left alone." That's about word for word. I haven't touched her since.

Please answer this simple question: why don’t you hire a PI?

Because I suspect that at this point that what is happening is an EA. I thought that it had the potential to escalate to a PA Sunday, and I'm not sure that it did. The other party involved here lives out of state. So, I don't know that a PI would be much help in that case. I'm trying to keep my bases covered the best I can and my antenna up.

What do you know about the other person? Name, city of residence, family status...

CZ, that seems like a rather typical (though not desirable) progression of a couple's sex life. Start thinking about what you might do to change that. Your wife didn't think sex was gross ten years ago.

When people go into affairs, even EAs, they rewrite history to portray their partner as unsuited for them.

Hi Graycloud,
I've never posted to you before but your comment about degrading yourself does somehow not ring true here.

This man needs to find out the truth about what is occuring in his life and M. Doing anything he needs to do this is not somehow, degrading, but rather, the process of uncovering his W's secret life. He has every right to this IMHO. don't we all??

I would suggest he do whatever needs to be done to uncover the truth his S seems so reluctanly ready to give up.

It is not a degradation to do whatever needs to be done to save a M, but, rather an act of an honest person to salvage a M.

JMHO,
All Blessings,
Jerry

Zimm,
sounds like you are doing PlanA...The key is to keep a lib on those LoveBusters despite how frustrated you feel and to meet what EN your WW will allow you to. In the mean time, to keep your own energy level high, plan and do activities that you enjoy. This will recharge your metal batteries and at the same time give you "light" material to engage in conversation with your WW. to me sit osunds like you are actually doing a good job, just getting a little impatient. don;t get impatient!!

Well, in order to change that, she would have to be willing to have sex with me! Seriously, I know that I can stand to lose some weight and get in better shape. The 2 week, 15 pounds stress diet seems to be a good jump start to getting into a more healthy routine overall. That's my first step to making it better.

I have really tried very hard to please my wife over the last year, particuarly over the last 6 months, and have made a serious effort to not be a selfish lover. I won't deny that there have been a few "me" moments thrown in there, but the majority of the time I have tried to think about pleasing her. She stated when we had the blow up that "she isn't attracted to me, doesn't see me that way". Said that she felt guilty because I would try harder when I sensed she wasn't gratified. Said it's been that way for years. So, she did a pretty effective job at making me feel completely undesirable as a lover when she said that. I know that it's her problem, not mine. I think that the sex had become representative of the larger issues in her mind, ie. not happy with life, therefore not happy with sex either. She acted as though it's been a struggle to remain phyiscally engaged with me all of this time. Made her uncomfortable, and she doesn't know that she can get over that.