Here is your Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


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Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Got ya. So...when she's running around the house wanting to clean things out to get it prepped for sale, etc., I just sit back and let her do whatever she's going to do w/o participating or acknowledging?

Just clip your toenails or something. But you need to let her know you are not cooperating in any seperation schemes. You can't just sit there silently lest she will believe you are on board.

Thanks MEL. Is there a link to your story or anything? I was just curious as to how you came down this path.

hg, I don't know where my story is on this forum or even if it is one place but I sure didn't follow MB principles. I did not know about MB when I discovered my H's affair and had no interest in remaining in the marriage. I had just married him when I discovered he was carrying on an internet affair with an old girlfriend so I kicked him out.

He asked if he could come back and said he would go to counseling. I decided it would be better to go to counseling with him a couple of times before I divorced him so I could say I "tried." The MC turned out to be a strong advocate of Marriage Builders so I ended up here.

And here I am 6 years later in a very happy marriage because of MB.

Well...I guess we all have a different path here. I just find it remarkable how similar all of the paths are. I still don't know if my W had an A, or was attempting to have an A but it never came to happen. She may be further underground now. She certainly has that WW mentality though, and whatever really happened, I sure feel betrayed by it. And i think if you're left with that mental anguish, betrayal and stress..no matter if it's an EA, PA, flirty emails, arranged meetings that never happen....then it's an A. Mel, I saw you post in another thread that the stress of adultery was similar to rape. I was curious where you found that information? I think one of the things that struck me in my conversation with Jennifer last night was the fact that she had no desire to talk with W. Just absolutely knew everything she was going to hear, and didn't want to waste the time on the phone with her. She told me, well, it only make sense to make a plan with the rational one, and you appear to be that person.

hg, Dr. Harley, a psychologist, equates adultery to rape. I once edquated it to the death of a child, but rape is a better analogy because it is done intentionally.

I can understand why Jen wouldn't want to talk to your W at this point, marriage counseling is useless when a WS is in this mode. Better to attract her back to the marriage FIRST so that mc can be effective. Rather, she will coach you on ways to attract your W back into the marriage.

Do you ever listen to Marriage Builders radio? You can listen to archives or listen live from 10-1 CST. It is VERY GOOD. And you can call and speak to Dr. Harley. link is at the top of the page.

I use these:
DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

And believe it or not, this PlanA works if you are disciplined and if you stay in control of the plan. You will get tired, lose focus, occasionally react poorly to the [email]cr@p[/email] your WW is doing. When it happens, just dust yourself off and get back with the program.

Thanks GF. I think that's a pretty reasonable list of items to work on. One thing I have decided on as well is to stop attempting physical contact. After the big D talk on Friday, on Friday & Saturday, W let me hold her in bed. No reciprocation mind you...just me holding on to her. Almost felt like a pity, "ok...I'll let you touch me because I know you're hurting" type of thing. So...as much as I want that contact, that's out as well.

Just don't move out of your bed.

Quite honestly Mel, I haven't been sleeping in our bed for some time prior to this. Not because there were problems...just because she was an early bed time person who viewed that time as "her time" where she watched her tv shows that she enjoys. I've always been a bit of a late night person, and often would sleep on the couch just because, frankly, it's more comfortable than our bed. I'll often wake up in the middle of the night and then head to bed. Which is nice because she's such a light sleeper that I wake her up and then she can sit there with the spinning mind until the alram goes off.

Not a bad evening tonight. DD was sick and at grandma's all day. W never called there to check on DD all day long, but I carried it on my shoulders. Have filled MIL in on what W has been up to lately. She's pretty po'd at W. Told her to keep it under her hat for the time being. I think if W knew I was confiding in MIL that it would send her over the edge. See...that's the W's modus operandi...keep people in the dark and then lay the big one on them when her mind is made up. She doesn't want to face the reality of what MIL would say to her if she had the opportunity. Came home with DD....W was late coming home because she had to "go tan". Found myself watching the clock and wondering how long it takes to "go tan". Talked myself out of that and went and had a talk with DD. She told me she wants her old mom back. Said she was sick this morning and W didn't even seem to care...in work mode. DD seems pretty disappointed in mom these days as well. Anyway...W gets home, and starts on the treadmill. I sit and listen to her day politely nodding an showing interest. Says she's really hormonal, real mean today...kind of like she was whaen she "snapped" ha-ha. I told her I had an IC appointment Saturday and asked if she ever made a return appointment. She said no, but she felt like she had some "big issues" going on. Said, "maybe it's my loony gene coming out finally"...this is in reference to the fact that both of her sisters are not quite all there.I just listened and smiled. Let her go on for awhile, then decided to go sepnd some time with DD and watched some Sponge Bob. I find my DD gravitating towards me as she day by day sees her mom becoming someone different, who, in a 10 yr. olds view, seems irrational and nasty. DD didn't even bother to sat goodnight to W...just went to bed. I think she's pretty disappointed. I have to be careful with DD...when she and I had our talk, I admitted that I saw the same behaviors in W, but reminded DD that her mom loves her.

So...I guess that constitues a good night in my home in some sort of weird, twisted way. UGH!

Sleeping apart is bad for marriages and only leads to detachment. Are you her brother?

Thats why it is a BAD IDEA to ask MIL to keep her secrets. Why would you ask your MIL to keep this a secret, CZ??? You are protecting her from the consequences of her bad choices with this tactic. This is called ENABLING, and you do so at your own expense.

You should be telling everyone that is close to you both about her threatened D and her man chasing. That will throw a much needed splash of water on her and force her to take a hard look at herself.

Did you read the Plan A outline that I posted above? Exposure is key to Plan A.

No...but I also don't want to go to bed at 9 pm and watch the the 4 hours of soaps that she tapes everyday and fast forwards through so she can "catch the story".

no wonder you have grown apart.

Indeed. With regard to the exposure aspect of this...I think my fear with MIL is that she's old...83, and she is a tremendous amount of stress in my W's life. Part of the problem, if you will. Another a$$ my W feels like she has to wipe (her words). And, I'm not sure MIL would articuale well what the real problem is here. I know Mel...another, "yabut".

Exposure is probably your best weapon against this. You are doing yourself and your wife and your DD a disservice by helping her keep this secret. Your MIL does not need to be a world class communicator to be of help here. Just the fact that she knows will apply tremendous pressure to your wife and that is what you need. She can be a great help in all this.

Asking her to help you HIDE your W's secret is dysfunctional and is a huge mistake, CZ. Don't help your wife hide out.

Point taken, Mel. I guess that I have just been hoping that it wouldn't have to come to that. That somehow, W would turn around and see the error that she was making without the embarassment of everyone knowing. She's already made the comment of, "well you've talked to everyone...I'm already ostricised." Frankly, I've talked here, with my best friend, and my dad. Aren't those the people that I should be talking to? W has no friends, no support system at all. So, she's walking around with all of this bottled up, and her only outlet seems to be the girls at work...and of course, the new dudes she's been planning the secret meetings with.