hg, have those ppl spoken to your wife about her behavior? That is the POINT of exposure. Just telling people secrets MISSES THE POINT. Exposure RUINS the plans of a WS because they are forced to look at themselves through the eyes of others when asked for an explanation. It is called a CONSEQUENCE.

And asking her mother to keep this all secret PROTECTS HER FROM THAT CONSEQUENCE. When someone is acting BAD, consequences are therapeutic, not harmful.

Embarrassment is a GOOD THING. People feel embarrassment for GOOD REASON. She should be embarrassed if she is doing something that is EMBARRASSING. If she is doing something embarrassing and is embarrassed, that will motivate her to STOP doing embarrassing things!

Embarrassment is a cold splash of REALITY and would be a GIFT to your marriage. Stop enabling!

How far should I take it? When we had our talk last week,which led to she conciliatory VM on Thurs. and subsequent visit to the lawyer on Fri, she told me not to F with her job. That she would get nasty if she had to b/c that's all she has. I think the fact that I knew about guy #2 tipped her off to the fact that I was monitoring the computer. Man...I had to drag that out of her too. She made a big show b/c I knew about the first guy.."who would I be seeing? the fat guy, the guy who's married? the guy with 2 little kids?" big show, until I said, "no, how about so and so?" That changed the look on her face. Then she got angry. So, it's possible that she's gone underground now. So, I don't think she's acted on the A, but she was driving down that road pretty fast & hard. I think maybe the work exposure is a bit too far, although, I have an email drafted and ready to go to HR and management there.

No..nobody has spoken to her so far.

Start with her mother and your family, hg. Ask her mother to speak to her and make sure she has all the facts. Parents are great exposure targets. Then if you have evidence of her doing this at work, take it to that level.

DD was sick again this morning...so back to grandma's this morning. Same deal as yesterday...W had a "busy work day" today, and kind of left it to me to figure out how to handle DD. Dropped her at MIL's and MIL is ready to take W's head off. I'll take the advice and let her loose on the W.

Plan Awkward continues. She is in full blown selfish mode...but that's ok. I allow her to do that. I'm taking care of everything in the house now. She's stopped doing dishes, cleaning up, etc. Only comes home and works on her. Coversations have been light and friendly, no M talk. Although, last night, while we were talking about the weekend, she started discussing throwing out the X-Mas tree. I asked why? Said "well you don't want it, and I'm not taking it with me." I said, "oh..that's what we're talking about." and got up and walked away. She gave me an unsolicited hug prior to leaving for work this morning. I don't know...what an odd experience.

HG,
WOW, Awesome! Walking out of the room instead of being drawn in by that provocation, that was masterful.

How is Plan Exposure going?

MIL knows everything that I know at this point. I am giving her permission to unload on W when she sees opportunity to do so. Will be an awkward weekend with the holiday, as we typically spend a few hours with MIL on Easter Sunday. W is dreading going over there...mostly because I think that it makes her uncomfortable that she has a secret.

hg, why would this be kept a secret at all? Y'all act like YOU are doing something wrong and have a need for secrecy. What is the point of this secrecy? I am not understanding why she doesnt talk to her about this NOW.

My W is the one with the secret, and SHE is uncomfortable going over there. That must have read wrong. My W likes to intimidate my MIL verbally in order to keep her off guard, so I think that MIL may be searching for the right time.

Question about exposing...is it effective to have my Dad call the wife, or would she perceive that as my getting others to gang up on her?

hg, the secret I am referring to is you and MIL's secret about her knowledge of her man chasing and her plot to leave. The right time to say something would be NOW. Or if she doesn't want to say anything, then YOU tell your W you have told her mother EVERYTHING. She needs to know that you have told all the family members, including your dad, so she can start feeling the pressure of the consequences.

I'm trying to balance that out with the LB advice though. On the one hand it seems as though I'm supposed to avid the confrontation at all costs, yet als go in and make sure that I explode her world. I know that it's necessary to do, b/c otherwise, I think the W is gone. I think that I can Plan A all that I want and she isn't going to budge from her position.

HG-

In plan A...exposure is NOT a lovebuster. It's a requirement as a part of plan A to end the WS's wayward behavior.

Now...obviously it IS a huge stressor for her. It WILL throw her into a complete rage. But it's NOT a "lovebuster"...because really it's caused by HER behavior. It's simply her being forced to deal with the consequences of her wayward behavior. If she wasn't behaving the way she was, she'd have nothing to be embarassed/angry about.

But, it's a completely needed step. Otherwise, there's nothing to cause her to WANT to end her wayward behavior. Get the idea?

hg, nowhere does it say that exposing an affair is a "lovebuster." IT IS NOT A LOVEBUSTER. Plan A does not mean APPEASEMENT and avoiding confrontation at all costs. It means avoiding LOVEBUSTERS. Plan A does not mean facilitating an affair by protecting the WS from the consequences.

It is YOUR JOB to cause as much conflict as possible in your W's pursuit of other men and her divorce plans. I don't think you are getting that. Appeasement will get you NOWHERE, except DIVORCED. You have to stop this ENABLING behavior, CZ, if you want to save your marriage.

Now, I don't think you are reading the material here, because you don't know what a lovebuster IS. It does not mean avoiding conflict at the expense of your marriage. Here is a list of lovebusters:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

Mel...we're agreeing again. When will the madness end??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I am glad you weighed in, this boy is wearing me down!!

You had also mentioned at one point that I should tell her that I will not cooperate in any D plans. That I wasn't leaving the house, neither was my DD. Well, when I told her that last week, that was when I got the conciliatory voice mail, followed right up with a visit to the attorney. What if she ups that ante again?

Sorry Mel. Not trying to wear you down.

HG,
The difference is that you are not interacting with the WW while you expose. When she goes ballistic (and she will) and tells you that there was a chance to work things out before, but now that you exposed IT'S OVER!!! That's actually good, it is exactly according to the WS script. She'll be mad for a a few days, maybe a couple weeks and will alternate the silent treatment with screaming at you or trying to provoke your anger so she can further justify her actions. Just remain calm, tell her that you do love her and are doing what is necessary to protect your family and walk away. Do not debate this, you'll just get angry