Smile sweetly and pat her on the head. You can expect her to protest when you take a firm stance and defend yourself. It doesn't mean you stop defending yourself or change your stance. She is SUPPOSED to get mad when you interfere with her plans to destroy your marriage. That means it is working.

I'll tell her tonight that I won't cooperate and the her Mom knows everything, along with the rest of the friends and family.

OK...I'll step up then Mel! (HG, when you've got Mel AND me telling you the same things, you really should listen. Mel and I make a point of NEVER agreeing with each other...so if we're agreeing...it means something! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

This is about BOUNDARIES. This is about letting your wife suffer the consequences of her own poor actions. This is about making her fantasy world of thinking its ok to carry on in the fashion break...it's about making that world come crashing down and setting reality in on her. Its about showing her that people WON'T accept her behavior...they won't agree with it, and they won't let her get away with it. It's about letting her know that YOU won't accept it any longer.

Now...she's NOT going to like it. She's going to be furious with you.

So...wanna know how to deal with that anger? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Get quiet. DON'T back down, DON'T apologize. But match her anger with calm, quiet demeanor of your own. The louder, more angry she gets...the quieter that you get. The idea is this...it will force her to stop and LISTEN for your responses. Take nice long pauses after she rants before you respond. It forces her to think about what's been said. It gives you time to respond calmly, rather than react in anger. It's a great tool for de-escalating the situation.

BUT...DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR EXPOSING!!!

Re-read this whole post again. This is important. DO NOT APOLOGIZE, but do NOT GET ANGRY EITHER. Simply tell her the blunt truth...you told her mom the truth...what's wrong with that? Why shouldn't you have done so? (She'll give some BS about it being 'personal', or being 'between you and I'...tell her that you don't believe that...that if she's making a decision that affects everyone around her, it's NOT a personal issue.)

Make sense to you?

I do understand, and I appreciate ALL of your advice. You too Mel! I'm not trying to be thick minded at all. I'm a very analytical person (which is horrible to have that quality in this situation), so I think my mind tends to run through various scenarios on a regular basis which then creates confusion on my part. That of course creates fear also. I do need to understand here that if I continue to allow her to go down the "nice divorce" path, then that is exactly what I will get...only it won't be so nice for me or DD.

I think that I'll include her sisters as well on the exposure. She doesn't have much contact with them, but it's regular enough that it will apply pressure. I'm sure that it would at least solicit a phone call from one of them to her. Of course, W will be very effective in painting me as the bad guy, but it will apply pressure nonetheless.

Ever seen a situation where the exposure had little to no impact? Where the reaction was, "So...I was planning on telling them anyways?"

I've seen times here when WS's CLAIMED that...but then their reactions were still almost always that 'furious anger' that clearly indicated that it WASN'T alright.

Good idea on including the sisters.

Let me share one added benifit I'd had as a part of MY exposure. I exposed...didn't know about MB, but looking to get anyone to straighten my WW (at the time)'s head out made sense to me. One of my sisters called my WW a few days after d-day, and after I'd gotten the kabash on her flying away to live with OM. Turns out, my sister had had the start of an EA with a guy she'd met doing some of her own recreational activities that my sister's H doesn't share. She'd realized what she was doing, recognized the attraction and the start of going wrong...and put an end to it herself before she went too far.

Turned out that having that experience made her one person my wife WOULD listen to. And she proved a great advocate for our marriage, and showed my wife that recovery WAS possible.

Who knows...maybe you might find some kind of similar help somewhere.

Not that I can recall.

Updte. Told W this morning that I wouldn't be cooperating n her dissolution plans. Told her that my daughter and I were staying right here. She reacted pretty angrily. Told me that she had her answer now, and she didn't want it to get ugly, but now it will. If I wanted to drain us, then fine. Said any hope of relationship, friendly or otherwise would be imp[ossible past that point. Told her that I was interested in preserving my family, and that I wouldn't apologize for doing so. She responded by telling me that there's nothing to preserve...what do I want to do? Live with someone who's like a sister for the next 8 years? Also told me that she was upset because I have "told everyone" about our dirty laundry, and that was a big issue for her. I responded by letting her know that I wouldn't apologize for using my support network for helping me go through a tough time, and that I wouldn't apologize for her adultery. She of course told me that if I want to continue to think that's what going on here that I was sadly mistaken. Said that she's felt this way for 10 years, and she can't change that...what is it that I'm proposing. I told her I would like her to take a step back, that she feels this way now, but feelings do change, and there is a path here. Told her that we at least owed it to our DD to make an effort. She said that it won't work, she's not interested. Told her that I'm not trying to make this ugly, I'm just trying to preserve our family. I'm sure more will come to me as I recall. Thoughts so far?

Sounds great! Does she know that you have exposed her to her mother? We are not still keeping that a top secret, are we?

No, she doesn't know that yet, but I told her mother to feel free to let loose on her whenever she has the opportunity. I'm not keeping it a secret at all.

Do you feel that the way she is responding is fairly typical? She told me she sees no value in the counseling and she wasn't going to wait 6 months only to arrive at the same place she's in now.

hg, her reaction is exactly what I would have expected.

If it is no secret that her mother has been told, then why don't you tell her so it will no longer be a secret? Now would be a good time so she can suffer a little embarrassment tomorrow when she sees her mother.

I agree with you. What happens after this angry reaction?

Just tell her you are sorry she is upset and don't allow her to bait you into a fight. She may threaten to stay home for EAster, but you should go ahead and go and tell her she will be missed. Then pat her on the head and smile sweetly.

Do you think all the threats are BS?

HECK YES! They all say the same thing! You can expect her to protest and make threats whenever you interfere with her little fantasy. It always blows over.

You're going to kill me on this one...but she is pretty convincing. I wouldn't be surprised if she decides to go file for a nasty D.

Yes, they are all pretty convincing. We see it on here each and every day!

If a WW files for D because you interfered with her affair, you were doomed anyway by the affair. They don't file for D because you interfered with the affair, but because they are HAVING/WANTING an affair.

Honestguy,

what you heard is exactly what I heard, except that in our case it was 25 years. "I don't love you and there is nothing you can do about it." Never loved me, sorry we had kids, wasted all that time on me, had to find herself because she did not know what she wanted from life except that she wanted me out of it....That was 7 years ago.
Last time we had a discussion she told me that the kids were the best thing we accomplished in our lives and that I should stop beating myself up about what happened then, (she had blamed me for everything, including the nervous breakdown she suffered) because I was blameless.
No marriage is ever lost, but both must work on it, and sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can start to heal. Stand your ground. You have one very important ally that I did not have, and that is this website.
Good luck !!


Melody, how long can one keep the reply window open before one gets the dreaded notice about the page no longer being active?

NTL, I am not sure, but I don't get that if I open up a box by hitting "quote" in the post to which I am responding. Also if you get the timed out notice, you can just hit the BACK button and retrieve your post by copying it and pasting it on another page and then opening up a NEW window.

How did your situation turn out NTL?