hg, its ok, I get the gist of her thoughts, you don't even have to post more. It is pretty standard fogbabble. I would keep counseling with Jennifer and stick to your Plan A. I would stop talking about divorce AT ALL. Now she thinks she can use this a weapon against you because she believes you are afraid of it. I would not be afraid of her filing and certainly don't give her that impression.

Most WS's THREATEN to file, many don't. And those who do, don't follow through. If she does file, you can get an atty and protect yourself to get the house and your DD. Just don't allow her to use that as a baseball bat by letting on you are concerned about it.

Good job on telling her about the exposure. I would go ahead and tell the OM as we discussed and get that out there. Then you can concentrate on attracting her back. Good job, CZ!!

I don't know that it is foggbabble though, and that's where I'm confused. I've known for a long time that things haven't been "right" between us. The emotional distance that is there is very real, and has been there for some time. I know my issues, where I've gone wrong, and how I want to fix those things. I don't know that fixing them is going to be enough at this point though. We do have a failry significant age difference...13 yrs., and she told me that she has felt like a Mom the entire time to me. I disagree, but on some levels, I see where she is coming from. She wants someone to control the relationship, to make the decisions, to put it on the path, and I have neglected that element. She feels that I've left everything at her feet to control and guide. I told her these were problems that we can work on, but she fees that they have been there from the start...we've been having the same arugment for 10 years, and now, she's just numb. She isn't ever going to love me, or be in love with me, and there's no amount of counseling in her opinion that's going to change that. I know that I have to change that, but according to her, the whole thing has just been one big mistake, and she cites valid reasons.

I don't disagree that you have problems, that is apparent. But her rewriting of history "never loved you","can't love you," and much of this is all classic fogbabble.

What you need to focus on, is not what she says, but on YOUR PLAN. And your plan is to identify the needs that have not been met, eliminate lovebusters and do your best to meet her needs. That is YOUR PLAN.

FOCUS on YOUR PLAN. YOUR PLAN.

What about her attitude that I am trapping her...that I am forcing her into 3 choices, which are...

1. She goes to the attorney, files, and we see where the cards fall.

2. She continues to live here, but there is no R. we live under one roof, but there's nothing between us. Ever.

3. We go to counseling, but the same thing falls out in the wash. She will tell counselor same things that she's told me...never been in love, just gutted it out b/ she was pregnant 10 yrs ago in a mistaken R, and now her life is over & done. that I don't consider her feelings, that the counselin is about me, and she's forced into it.

She feels that I am TRAPPING her. I am blackmailing her. She refused to believe that there's a soultion. Does she LIKE me? yes. Has she ever loved me? No.

You have no control over her feelings, nor are you "trapping" her. Focus on YOUR PLAN. YOUR PLAN. There are no guarantees, but there is no reason to give up before you have ever tried. YOUR PLAN.

I understand. Thanks Mel. God...so much came out tonight from both of our mouth's. It's overwhemling to some degree.

One thing that stood as kind of funny in a sick way...she told me she had contated her legal dpt. about my hacking into her email. Told me that on the heels of the D that they were going to prosecute me for that. I just laughed and told her that she could call the legal dept. back and tell them...false alarm. I have every right to do what I'm doing.

honestguy,

You don't seem to be understanding Mel. What you need to realize is that you are having honest conversations. She is not in withdrawal now, she is actively conversing with you. NOW is the time to show her your changes. Now is the time to take over things she claims she wants you to take over. Now is the time to do a great plan A. Now is the time to set your boundaries and still talk with her. Now is the time to realize that she sees no hope but YOU have to be the beacon for her. Now is the time to get with YOUR plan to make the changes the way you planned, and meet her needs as you planned.

Now is NOT the time for the faint of heart.

Mel, is telling you to get with your plan NOW. Your W is watching, she is assessing, and she is in conflict, and these are ALL good things. All of your W's comments are to justify her position. She is rewriting history for the same reason. She may actually not FEEL in love with you right now. That happens but feelings change, data does not. Create the data you claim to be true, do a good plan A.

You can no more corner her than you could a bit of fog. You simply have to act as a great dad, a good husband, and someone willing to listen to her issues and act on those that you KNOW to be valid.

don't be discouraged, you WANT this conflict and that is why Mel is telling you time and again, focus on YOUR PLAN.

God Bless,

JL

Maybe this is too simplistic, but it sounds like your wife has the "Cinderalla Complex." She dreams of some strong, take-charge guy to sweep her off her feet. The reality is that she would probably end up hating that kind of a person (who would most likely be controlling and stifling to her). That's not what she needs. She's looking to external things (e.g., a Knight in Shining Armor) to heal what's broken inside of her.

1. She told me that that it's just a symptom of the bigger problems, b/c if something so insignifacnt can turn her head that quickly, then there's obviously a much larger problem.

2. has never been right since the beginning

Don't know about you, but these two are almost word for word what I heard from my WS, especially no. 1 ("If I can get swayed so easily, doesn't that tell you something??")

Just to reassure you that it IS fogbabble my friend.

Thanks for the input everyone. My DD came downstairs this morning and told me that something was wrong with Mom. She's not talking, acting all dazed & confused. I told DD not to worry. W came down for work and was ice cold. Checked her cell record and she made a call on the way to work this morning. Don't know who to, but I can guess. Either atty or OM.

We had a situation like this week where I was able to get her into conflict at least, where she agreed to counseling, and then the very next day she came home with D papers. She agreed to counseling again last night, but her attitued this morning suggests to me that she's going to start swinging. I know that she's afraid that I'm going to take her out at the knees at her job along with OM. So, again, she feels like I'm giving her no choice. She doesn't want our M, but now I'm going to take everything away from her b/c she made a mistake.

I will say that our convo. last night wasn't from the MB script. I am angry, and while there was no yelling or screaming, I let her know exactly how I felt about what she has done. She refused to believe that her little head fling had anything to do with our issues, and I told her that it had everything to do with it. Told her to read a bit about it some time.

She sees no point in any of this. She just wants out and to run away.

Thanks JL. I know she is seeing some change as she told me that the last month is the only month out of the last 13 years that I've ever done anything. Of course, it doesn't make up for the 13 years that she's had to step up to the plate.

UNFILED divorce papers, by the way. This is all according to script. The WS gets angry when you interfere with her fantasy and tries to scare you into shutting up. There is nothing new here. But the worst thing you can do is allow her to scare you into silence.


It was right out of the MB script. Of course she refused to believe it, it is impossible to reason with a fogged out person.

p.s. I would follow through and contact the OM today. Don't drag your feet on that and give her a chance to pre-empt you. That will ruin her affair plans at work and that is what you want.

She may have pre-empted me already with her call this morning. I will follow through on it though today. She is certainly afraid that I'm going to take both of them down at work.

MIL called W today at work and blasted her. Asked her what she thought she was doing. W doesn't seem to care. Told MIL that I am blackmailing her with the OM and threatening her job with exposure. Tol MIL all the nasty things about me. MIL asked about her little bus trip and O - Men, and W told her that she's spent 10 years providing for everyone else and she has to have some fun too. MIL asked her if she was going to go to counseling and W told her that she wasn't really interested in that.

In general, does your wife respect her mother?

Not really. She views her mother as being out of touch with reality...she is 83. Her mom annoys her mostly.

My W doesn't seem to respect anyone other than herself at this point. I'm beginning to feel a little helpless here. W feels as though I'm blackmailing her into counseling, etc. She just wants out...for whatever reason that is.

Okay, let me ask it this way.
BEFORE your wife lost her mind, did she respect her mom?

Did you call the OM yet?

This is really good pressure from her mother. Good job!

Have you set up another appt with Jennifer Chalmers?

SC - Respect before she lost her mind? To some degree. her mom has always been a thorn in her side, and I think her attitude post losing her mind is pretty much the same.

MEL - No, I can't call OM while I'm at work. Jennifer is calling the home on Sunday evening.I still think W is done with this. Sorry. There's a part of me sometimes that thinks about if I should continue this, or strike while she's dying to get out so I can get a better deal. I know...MY PLAN.