Hey ML! You out there tonight?

hey dere!

Any new developments, HG?

Thought I saw you posting recently. Been a tough week. Had another big time blow out on Weds. night. I found what turner out to be bathing suit bottoms in her briefcase, and reacted pretty strongly. I thought they were panties initially. Of course, I hadn't seen them before in there, and of course, haven't seen them since. She said she wears them for tanning, which actually seemed credible, but we really got into it again. I know that I shouldn't react, but man, that one shot up to 1,000 degrees immediately. So, she's wearing me down here emotionally.

Just stay calm and do not overreact....How is your DD doing?

Thanks NTl. She's hanging in there. She obviously knows that something is very wrong which is tough on her. We aren't acting as a family any longer, not doing things together. W is in complete selfish mode, and has basically stopped contributing to any household chores or activities. DD notices this.

Does she have tan lines to back up her story?

HA! Well...she is indeed tan, so I do know that she has been going. As far as the tan lines she's trying to achieve with those drawers...I'm not sure. I havent had opportunity to see that region for a couple months.

I guess that where I'm starting to get here emotionally is that I am beginning to wonder if I'm simply afraid of moving into an uncertain future or if I'm trying to save a marriage here. I love the W I used to have, but can't stand this person. The trust thing is very large for me, and is driving me crazy. I find myself analyzing this from top to bottom just about every single moment I'm awake. It never stops. As I've mentioned, she acts as though this outcome is inevitable...that we are going to separate. I think that the only thing stopping her at this point is that she's trying to get a simple, no contest kind of thing, that isn't going to get ugly or expensive. Of course, in the process of that, she hasn't realized that she will destroy me and devastate my DD. I'm gettong nothing out of this other than total misery. There's a part of me that hangs on to the idea that somehow some sort of magical awitch will be thrown in her head and she'll realize how nuts this all is, but I don't really think that's going to happen. I have yet to hear any logical, rational plan come out of her mouth about what the future will really be like, but she's determined that it's going to be that. I think that while this email fantasy thing had or is acting as a catalyst on some level, I don't think that's the entire picture for her. I think that this is more about her "finding herself". My thought is that at her age and based on things she has said, she's getting recognition at work, self-confidence, attention from men, and that is all very exciting. With our M and her role here, she had legitimate reasons to be unhappy with me, but I think that it's really about her. In her role here, she was fat & old, and everyone needed her for something. The new her doesn't have that. The new her is tan and attractive and a go getter. I don't know that there are EN's for me to fill for her...she's told me as much. That I could change everything she has complained about over the years, and it wouldn't matter to her. So...i start to wonder if I have any desire to be with the new her. The new her doesn't care about anything but the new her. And the old / same me, gets to pay the price for everything. So, does the old / same me, get the new her out of the house, and find a different her down the line that appreciates the old / same me.

I would press her on this and ask her when she will be leaving. Let her know that your marriage will not work like this, that you will not remain in a loveless marriage. What is her plan?

I think if you let her know that this is not going to work as is, and that you won't be settling for the marriage as it is, that she might make a decision. If she doesn't, then it will be up to you to make a move, CZ.

After my wife and I had a few discussions about what would happen if we were to get divorced, she started doing EVERYTHING around the house, probably in an effort to prove to herself that she could handle it. The result was even more stress on her, which led to more tension. The kids were well aware of what was going on.
Prepare yourself for more irrational behavior. One of our friends kept telling me that every time a crisis came up, W would say that "if only NTL would be here, he would fix this." This while she was trying to get me to move out. Go figure.

I think you're right. Unfortunately, I think that this is going to be inevitable. It is becoming unacceptable to me, and given her mindset, my decision to move forward will cement hers. Will that be a cold bucket of water on her head to make her realize that she's going to have to face reality? Probably so, but she will. I think I'm also at a point where I can kind of strike while the iron's hot, and get what I want out of it since she seems so desparate to get out.

See, I don't that divorce is inevitable at all, I don't believe that is really what she really wants. I think that she is going to try to use that threat to keep you in place while she has some fun at the office for awhile. You need to disabuse her of this notion.

As it is, she thinks you will sit there and wait and languish while she plays around for awhile. If you let her know that the marriage is not going to work like that, it may wake her up. If not, then you need to take back control here and start making some plans.

I say strike while the iron is hot, and get the financial settlement in place. Later, when she is not so desparate to get out, she will change her mind.

I don't think it's a threat from her though and that's why I feel it's inevtiable. I think she's probably uncertain as to how the future is going to look for her, and she's afraid of tha. I don't know that it's necessarily about having fun at the office at this point for her. I think on some level, she thinks that she's just giving me some time to cope and adjust and finsish school...all things that I had asked her for when she brought home the original papers. It wasn't until a week later when I told her she could go pound the papers that the dynamic changed there.

Here is what Pittman says -

"The impact of an accidental infidelity on a romantic is explosive. It unleashes all that frustrated romanticism. Romantics with their pants off go wild -- not necessarily sexually, but emotionally. These people imprint whomever they sexualize, and they clamp on like snapping turtles, and you can't make them let go. Romantics will throw themselves desperately and suicidally at strangers, offering plans for the two of them to disappear and die together. The stranger may have trouble remembering the romantic's name. This sort of thing could even make a philanderer go straight, and will cure the accident-prone forever. This is the plot of the film Fatal Attraction, in which it was demonstrated that the romantic passion of a passing stranger is the most horrifying of nightmares.

good, then let her know she doesn't need to wait on your account. When will she be leaving?

Yeah...I think that the reality of what is really down the road for her hasn't become a reality in her mind yet. When she has to actually start understanding that I'm not selling the house, and won't settle for anything less than complete shared custody of our DD, and she can take her beater car and her credit card bills along to her new duplex, maybe she'll start to realize.

Why don't you help her see this reality? And I would let her know that you will go for primary custody since she is so unstable right now. Sure, she should have visitation, but your DD should not be stripped from her safe home to accommodate her mothers swinging.

I don't know how the primary custoday thing works. My goal isn't to keep my DD from her mom.