If you believe it is money from your paycheck or "marital money" that she has been stashing away, then I would remove the money from the place where she has stashed it, change the password...something!...and then tell her that you found $XXX amount in a secret account, that it is marital money that it is partially yours, and ask her for an accounting.

OTOH, if you have reason to believe that it is from her paycheck or for some other reason is "hers" (like an inheritance or something) then I would still ask her about it but I don't suspect you can move it or change it.

--CJ

FWCJ-Good point.

I don't know where the money might have come from. This is cash stuffed in the bottom of a drawer. Hidden. I understand what you're saying, but by the same token, this is a person that sent me an email this am requesting that we discuss the bills over the next couple of weeks and figure out how to handle the paperwork for the attorney. I've asked her to do 3 things for me since the beginning of our "problem"...be open & honest emotionally, be open & honest financially, and not to involve someone else. She's proven to be incapable of abiding by any of those.

And what is your PLAN when this discussion comes up? BEFORE you get your degree? Remember, she thinks you are Mr. RollOver.

I'd move it to another location and see if she says anything. It's hard to accuse a spouse of stealing money. She wouldn't be taken very seriously.

I think you confront her openly. While moving the money could tell the story, it is decietful, and that is what we're trying to cure.

I simply responded to her email regarding that discussion by stating that I was looking ahead to spending a good weekend with my family, and that if she wanted to tell me what her down the road plans were, that she could feel free to do so.

I was thinking of just going and getting myself a new plasma screen, and having it set up by the time she got home. When she asks how I paid for it, I'll just tell her that I came into some money. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, I understand your point, and I appreciate your advice. I want to always take the higher ground, but I think a little scare for her at the least is appropriate in this case. There's no accounting for where the money came from, there was certainly no intention on her part to let me know she had it.

I'd go with the flat screen!

Since it's cash, and you don't know definitively where the cash came from (for example, it's not an settlement or her tax refund or something traceable), it is reasonable to assume that it is marital money. By marital money, I mean that when husband and wife both earn, then money is equally the husband's and the wife's. Thus, you have as much legal right to that money as she does. I would move it (perhaps into a savings account--somewhere off the premises that she can not just "get to") and then confront her about it.

See, until the D papers are final, your money is her money and her money is your money--your debts are her debts and her debts are your debts. That's what marriage is!

In conclusion, let's "assume" that she was doing this with innocent intentions such as she was saving up for a trip to Europe for the two of you. Okay...cool...I've done that for my husband...surprised him with something I had to save up for. Here's the difference. He finds the stash, comes to me and says, "CJ I found $1500 hidden in the drawer. What's going on?" and I could say, "DH it's for a surprise I was saving up for you. I can tell you if you'd like, or I can surprise you. Which would you like better?" and he has no reason to doubt me because my behavior has been honest and trustworthy. OTOH, your WW has NOT behaved honestly and even if she really was just saving for a surprise, you could ask her and she wouldn't have to get mad. She could just explain to you what it was! But my educated guess is that this was the money she was stashing to pay for her life after she moved out...and she was using MARITAL MONEY to do that!!! You have reason to doubt her motives, you have reason to doubt her honesty, and it is partially YOUR MONEY.

Yep. Move it--off premises preferably--and then ask her what it was. Let her answer. Maybe there is a reasonable explanation...but I'll bet you there's not.



--CJ

I would take it and pay off some marital debts.Then wait to see if and when she brings it up.

HG:

All this SF?

Suddenly turned off?

Not hormones.

Contact.

Either ended, that started all the SF, must have been a fight...

Or restarted, that's why the SF was stopping.

JMHO.

Either way, I think she is manipulating you into to agreeing to the D.

Move the money and never talk about it.

If she asks about it, then she wasn't going to use it to D you.

If she never asks, she will hide it better in the the future so that she can pay for the Attorney/love trysts/whatever.

And if it wasn't contact that was causing it, she was having the SF with you to get to a point where she could say, "See, it didn't work out, see how I tried to meet your SF need, but you were still the same cranky HG." Your W thinking that the changes that you have made are not real.

So, stay on the Plan A path.

But point out what life after D will look like.

No HG around to be friends.
Time with DD will be strictly controlled
No Dissolution. Divorce, Absolute and final.
No house, her house paid with HER money.

OK?

LG

I agree with LG. She is trying to use the one thing she knows will get you to do anything to get what she wants from you. It's manipulation at it's finest.

I have to say good job on realizing plan A is about you but because she still haven't exposed at her job because she was giving up the goods to keep you from doing just that she can continue to be a sack chaser and you would be none the wiser because you are to gone on after glow to notice or care. I say expose, expose, expose. It's the only way to get what you want and that is her to check back into your M. If you think you are doing any of you any favors you are not you are enabling her to continue doing just what she wants to do. Just my .02

Thanks LG, and everyone else. LG, I think that you raise some valid considerations here. Not sure what the level of communication with OM has actually been. In my case, OM lives out of state, and to the best of my knowledge, this is, and has been an EA of some kind. The last conversation we had about OM was her stating he is leaving the company, and wants nothing to do with her. No doubt a lie about his level of interest, but probably the truth about his leaving the company since that is easily verifiable.

I do think that the SF were multilayered in the sense that she did seem to have the "need", which I of course was ready to fill. And, she did "come around" to some degree in other ways. You are correct though, to go from 200mph to zero, on a dime, and right back to WW mentality is suggestive that there is more to the story.

If OM has left company, what can I do at that point with regard to workplace?

Sticking with my best Plan A. No cooperation on divorce. DD stays at home. More exposure to other friends & family, and workplace if possible. Hidden money gets re-hidden by me. I have the control. I improve myself each day.

Weekend update...

Am not able to verify much contact between OM & WW. My specualtion is that most happens during work hours and they are sly enough to cover tracks while at home. Noticed some additional minutes on phone, but histories are erased. When confronted, WW says "not talking to anyone". Again states, "Never hear from him at all..was a flash in the pan. Doesn't know I exist." For those not following entire thread, this appears thus far to be an EA, but don't know for sure, although, I don't know how much E there is.

Told me, "No, I haven't been 100% honest w/ you..we're getting a D. Nobody is 100% honest in that process."

Over weekend, a well intentioned but off the mark relative tt WW about her side of things. WW gave her the standard.."Great guy, just not in love, have never really been, time to focus on me & my life, don't want anything from M, just wants out. There is nobody else, it's not what is going on although BS thinks that's what is happening." Family member then validated WW's feelings and supported her. This is a family member that I had exposed her to btw. Told WW she had to make the right decision for her, not drag it out before we hate each other. Should stop the SF w/ me etc. Now WW feels validated and has clarity. Told me we need to get D process going.

In a moment of weakness, I said.."What is it that you want?" Offered me everything...house (no equity to her), 50/50 custody, not touching my assests (retirement), and takes a debt from me. told me one way or another, it's going to happen. Do I want to fight or be done? I said I would think about it.

Told me that maybe we would "date" afterwards. Happens all the time. We have the SF part down after all these years now. Right.

SF have resumed once again. She told me that it's emotionally conflicting for her, not confusing, but conflicting. Shortly thereafter, the SF resumed.

So..what do I want? Do I want to save M? Yes. Am I being offered a deal right now that would allow me to protect assets and gain as much custody as I can. Yeah, I think so. I'm a bit confused as to the direction to head here. I feel like the Plan A is working, hence the conflict of emotions regarding SF. WW also stated to family member that she had seen a lot of changes in me, gave me an A for effort, but it's too late.

You can still try and save your M HG even in the middle of D. I would not forego getting more than 50/50 custody if she really wants out that bad. She would have to take every Wednesday, every other weekend, 4 weeks in summer and holidays if she wanted out that bad. Your WW is all about her. That's it. She will not make a good parent now or in the future and will march man after man into your children's lives for she doesn't know what love, commitment, and a true relationship is.

I would protect my children, my assets and let WW move on if that is what she wants. I say this because there are some women and men that is simply comes down to them being unhealthy emotionally and mentally and not having a clue about love, real relationships and such. Hard to change these people, they have to learn on their own, the hard way.
Take care of you and the kids if she truly wants out that badly and let life be the teacher for WW.

ok, hg, there is no point in my posting to you if you aren't going to listen to me, but I will try this one last time. Part of the problem here is that you are enabling your W's fantasy by allowing her to think there will be an amicable divorce and you will be her cute little "friend." Because of this, she has no cause to rethink her little fantasy because she sees no0 obstacles in her path. She is EMBOLDENED by your lack of a reaction. You won't even lift a pinky finger to fight for your marriage and that is not unnoticed by her.

Your conflict avoidance has led to this. I see that she believes this will be nice and easy and amicable with her comment about "dating" in the future. What that means is that she wants you to be her "friend" after she puts it to you. THAT alleviates her GUILT.

All of this is nothing more than ENABLING when you do not REFUTE her little plans and disabuse her of these notions. Going along to get along will AVAIL YOU NOTHING. IS availing you NOTHING.

She needs to be told, in no uncertain terms NOW:

1. you will not cooperate in any divorce or seperation scheme. You will go for 100% custody and will keep the house. you will call the OM as a witness when you counter with adultery as a cause

2. you will not be her "friend" and are not interested in "dating" her. You are only interested in being her HUSBAND.

I see no reason to tell you this same thing over and over and over again to no avail. You make a huge mistake sitting there saying nothing when she spouts this nonsense. That is enabling and contr5ibuting to your own demise.

And so what if it might be stressful to tell her now? Your marriage is under attack, and you don't have the luxury to not be "stressful."

"As long as we are married, I do expect complete honesty."

And again, you are NOT "getting divorced." Talk is cheap and yakking about getting divorced is not divorced. Remind her of this. She seems to feel that she is entitled to behave as a single woman because she yaps about "getting divorced." Correct her with: WE ARE MARRIED, we are not divorced.

As much as I love you Mel, I must respectfully disagree with you here. I think HG should take this deal, as it is probably the best deal he will ever get. IMHO he should have a written agreement done ASAP before WW changes her mind. Remember, even for WWs it is hard for the BS to get 50/50 custody much less full custody (See Gramm, Foundareason, etc.). HG can work on the M afterwards, if it’s meant to be, but right now I think he has a golden opportunity to protect himself and to the extent that he can, to secure a reasonable amount of time he can get to spend with his children. Legally, I doubt he will be in a better position.

To be sure, I see your point about attempting to save the M. And normally, needless to say, I would agree with you, but a Cost/Benefit analysis suggests to me that he should take his wife up on her offer at this point, if we do take in the probability of the potentials costs and benefits actually occurring.

This is my $.02.

UVA,

I don't think that she's ever going to file.

HG,

You just need to hang in there and plan A. No LBs, meet her ENs, but you need to stand up for yourself and your M. You need to let her know in no uncertain terms that she is either your W or nothing to you, and you will not just stand idly by while she tears you M apart. After that drop the subject and when she want to bring it up, tell her I don't talk D, only M. That's how you handle that situation.

How do you not know if she is talking to OM? Can't you check her minutes online? You need to come up with a better system of snooping.