What about co-workers? Should I just keep this sepcific to HR & management?

Yes, just keep it within the confines of managment and HR. I would CC her boss or someone else on that letter to make sure there is more than one person who gets this letter. With 2 ppl watching, the recipient is less likely to deep six the letter and more likely to take official action, if they deem appropriate.

Found some info regarding OM. Divorced, 2 kids. Have cell & home phone. Found XW's name on a court docket and have tried to find her number w/o success. I did see however that there is a post judgement custody hearing coming in June filed by him. Was wondering if I should send letter to her attorney? Not sure that it would be relevant or if it crosses the line. My thought was that if he's going in as a saintly Dad trying to get additional custody or support reduced that the fact he's pursuing a married woman 2 states away might be pertinent info.

Did you expose the affair at work?

Hi there! Been awhile since my last post, so I have the need to vent a bit, and I'm hoping that I can get a little feeback.

First, and I'm ready for the 2x4 now, I have not exposed her at work. Why? Well, as my last couple of posts here mentioned, things got strange at the very end of April. My WW was, for lack of a better term, on fire with SF for the last couple of weeks. I saw this as a positive sign, as we were certainly intimate beyond anything we've known in the recent past. During this time, we did spend time together talking, spending family time together at our camper, and seemingly improving. There were no "i love you's" in there at all, but there was also some non-sexual intimacy,,,ie hand holding, kissing, shoulder rubs. She attributes all of the SF on hormones, and "we're playing nice instead of arguing, but my position is still the same".Also during this time was my DD's birthdays, WW's birthday, and of course Mother's Day. Lots of family time togehter and I would get glimpses of the old W in there from time to time. Not a perfect existence, but a much improved one.

We did have one episode during this time where WW insisted that OM doesn't contact her, is leaving the company...that he wasn't interested. "Doesn't even know I exist" was the direct quote. I don't believe her, but have no way of verifying if there has been actual contact other than my gut instinct.

During all of this, I have been doing the best Plan A I can muster. Have been going to bed with her every night early, no lb's, cool & confident, lighthearted. Have taken on many of the chores, and have tried to meet her needs wherever I can.I also realized, finally, that Plan A was indeed about me. I know now that I need to continually improve regardless of outcome.

Things were going fairly well up until the last day or two. I noticed a mood shift on her part, almost a regression. Not as warm, not as open. She told me tonight that all of this "fun" we hve been having has to come to an end at some point. That it was just a fluke..a hormonal thing. "I'm just a once a moth kind of a girl..you know that about me. That was totally out of character for me" was her statement. She wanted me to know that she still wants to D, and wanted me to "play nice" when it came time to sign papers. I didn't react much to it outwardly, but it hurt. I thought we were moving in a better direction, but now I see the WW mentality back in action.

My plan is to save this marriage. I still believe this is a work / fantasy / EA thing happening with her, but they've got it far enough underground that I can't be certain at all. No way to monitor her at work whatsoever. Looking for some advice on how to move forward. ML, Jim?

You are doing just PERFECT. Just let her know that you aren't interested in divorce and won't be cooperating or "playing nice." Tell her thanks, but no thanks. Then smile sweetly and leave the room.

Just keep doing what you are doing, hg, it sounds great!

And rememnber, TALK IS CHEAP with a ws, only actions count. Talk of papers means NOTHING.

Hi HG,

I don't really have any advice on what your next move might be, but I did want to give you a little feedack on a couple of the things.


Trust your gut. She may or may not be telling the truth about this guy's lack of interest in her. But even if he's trying to blow her off... her quote suggests, IMO, that she would still be interested in him. And if not him, whoever else might come along.


This is HUGE HG!!! Good for you!!! Keep up the good work.

--SC

Hey ML ~ long time no see! Hope things are going well with you. You know, I suppose it doesn't matter much in the long run, but I was curious to get a woman's POV on the crazy SF that have been going on almost non-stop for 2 weeks. This was completely uncharacteristic on her part, completely unexpected, and now it seems that she's shutting it off just as quickly as she turned it on. That just seems a bit odd to me. Hormones?

hg, it very well could be. The thing I think is more important is that you are going to bed early with her. Going to bed early is a great bonding opportunity for you both and part of the reason you have grown apart. I would suggest keeping that up.

So where are those divorce papers she keeps promising?

As far as the D papers are concerned...I think that her vision is that we are going to go down a path where we get a dissolution, which in this state is basically 2 parties agreeing to the terms of the split, which includes custody. It's a cheap alternative to the D proceedings, and a faster process. She had also mentioned a legal separation but claims that she doesn't know what that really means. She does seem conflicted to me in many ways.

Her vision is that we'll be friends, still do things together from time to time...for the sake of our DD of course, and the only thing that really will change is that we won't be married and living together any longer. When she told me this, I told her "Well..it sounds to me like you want me in your life on many levels." She thought about it and told me, "I thought about what you said, and you're right, you're my best friend and I don't know how you separate that out." My resonse was simply, "you don't".

So..I think that her view is a bit unrealistic to say the least. I think that given her attitude, that it will set the stage for a good plan b. Right now, she's getting the best of me, getting all of the needs I can meet for her taken care of. I talk with her, laugh, joke, take care of the domestic front (which she is contributing nothing to btw), and am, in general, steering the ship.

I do think that she will turn nasty when I do become uncooperative.

hg, I think you will be throwing a much needed WET BLANKET on her little plans which will force her to rethink her plot. The goal here is to save your marriage, remember, not avoid making her mad at all costs.

MAKE SURE she understands that you will only cooperate in marital recovery. You WILL NOT cooperate in any seperation schemes.

You need to disabuse her of these notions PRONTO. Tell her you will not agree to any dissolution, seperation, divorce or anything. You will sign nothing, will not move out and will not allow her to take your DD anywhere without a sherrif armed with a court order and a BIG GUN. Tell her this and then smile sweetly and leave the room.

If she is really intent on destroying your marriage, then MAKE IT VERY HARD FOR HER. Make her WORK for each and every thing. DO NOT HELP HER DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR DD'S FAMILY.

Remember what the goal is here, to save your marriage. It is not to aide and abet her in destroying your marriage so she doesn't "get nasty." Disabuse her of this notion that you will cooperate QUICKLY.

Telling her this will slow her down, ruin her fantasy and force her to RETHINK her plans. That is what you WANT.

I have no problem with making her mad whatsoever. There are some selfish reasons on my part not to engage her in those discussions right now. I'm a couple of weeks away from completing a degree, and it requires a great deal of mental clarity on my part to get this done. Being aware of what's happening, while continuing to "play nice" has givn me at least an opportunity to gain some ground on completing my goal. Prior to that point, i had a very difficult time focusing on anything else but my situation. My logic is kind of along the lines of that you are able to swing a lot harder when you're standing on level ground as opposed to standing on a slope. The other advantage to it is that it allows me a little more time to work the carrot of Plan A with her. Stick will follow....trust me.

Thanks for the encouragement, SC! I am trusting my gut. I know something isn't "right", and I know that she is in contact with him on some level.

hg, gotcha. Just promise me you will disabuse her of this notion at the earliest opportunity after your degree work is done. This is a critical part of Plan A that would very effectively inflict a blow to her fantasy.

I had done that early on in the process, but she clearly needs to be reminded again.

Real quick...came home early and did a little digging. Found some cash hidden away..decent amount. Should I take it or leave it? Another deception.

depends

how much?

More than $1k, less than $2k. No idea where it would have come from.

Take the money and confront her.