When I told her I wasn't interested in D, only in M, she told me that it was going to end one way or another. How did I want to do that? Do we want to ruin each other financially? Fine. Drag each other through the courts for the next 18 mos.? Fine. She'll pick herself up, dust herself off, and move on with life. So be it..but the M will end.

So, why would I believe that she wouldn't do that? Because it's fog talk? That she is really going to come around one day to her senses and see the value in our M?

Am I reacting to her? Sure. I have to on some level.

There are two diverging points of view here on this today. I have a couple of you recommending to stay the course, and i have a couple of you telling me to secure my assets & custody while I can. I agree that I will probably not have much to gain LEGALLY from putting this through the ringer in the courts.

ML - I do listen to your advice, and I DO implement it. As far as me not lifting a finger to fight for my M..that's not correct. I have worked my a$$ off to save this M. Even the WW ackowledged that very fact over the weekend. Said she understood why.

Jim - She discovered my cell hacking awhile back which is why I can't track.

Are you and WW still living together? If so, it is time to separate. Your WW will not grasp the impact of what she is asking for until she is on her own. If you separate, you should keep the house and custody.

I don't know if you are familiar with the concept, but there is a process called a collaborative divorce. You each obtain an attorney, but your attorneys work with both of you to come up with an amicable settlement. All of this is done outside the courts. Once an agreement has been made, it is filed with the court, and usually given a rubber stamp. No fighting. If you have a minor child, your divorce cannot be final for at least six months. This gives you plenty of time to work on your M.

I would take her deal and start the D process. Separate and make her move out. Help her with her move. Maintain contact and work plan A. Once she is looking from the other side of the fence, your grass will look pretty green
.

The process in this state is called dissolution which is somewhat the same as collaborative D. Basically the two parties agree on all matters, a date for the future gets set which is at least 30 days and not more than 90 I believe. It's basically a rubber stamp process as well as long the two parties have agreed to everything.

Yes, we are living together. And things are nice from time to time.

Again, HG.....She can leave but if she wants out as bad as you say she does I bet my next paycheck she has your replacement lined up. The surrogate daddy is waiting in the wings.

If she wants out, then go but go on your terms (see my post above) or tell her to talk to your attorney.

I think she has a replacement too. But I think you should get the financial deal secured. She may change her mind - my ex did, and then wanted to fight down to the last penny.

She caught you hacking? Well, hack back. If your name is on the cell phone bill, get on the phone with them and ask them to reset your account because you forgot your password and secret question. If it's only in your wife's name? You know her social. As long as you have it, you can get into her account. Don't just give up every time an obstacle is in your way. Knock it down. I know it's hard not to listen when your W says she's going to get a D. My WW said it to me many times. But I kept fighting, and put enough pressure on her A until it ended. You need to snoop more, get more proof, and use exposure as a weapon. Don't let your WW thwart your snooping attempts. Once I got proof that my WW's EA was physical, I exposed and she agreed to NC 5 days later. She didn't want to be thought of as the bad guy.

I wish you the best, hg.

Defend the marriage or get out. It is your choice...not hers. If you want out and the marriage to end, then take the deal.

If you want your marriage to recover, then dont take the deal. If you take the deal, you will just be agreeing with her that the marriage is over. You will embolden her. You will, as ML stated, enable her!

If you want your marriage but accept the deal, you will do so out of fear. Fear that you will lose,

Great things are not done by those that give in to fear! Your wife has been doing what she has been doing because she doesnt respect you. No woman commits adultery if she respects her husband. That is a fact.

Now, wanna bet that taking the deal will just cause her to further disrespect you. In her foggy mind, she will think "see, he was never serious about me or this marriage. Even all of these changes werent real. He just crumbled and gave in!" That is what she will think.

OOOooorrrrrrr......

You dont give in, you stand strong for your marriage and family...and she will have no other course than to show you respect. That is because you will be demanding respect!

Let the attorneys talk deals. You talk marriage. You should be a worn out record saying the same thing over and over.

Like I said...if you want out then take the deal and go. If you want your marriage, then taking the deal will start putting the nails in the coffin of the marriage.

Mortarman, I have to disagree with you. If HG wants his wife back, it is time to start agreeing with her. Validate her feelings. Tell her she is probably right, the marriage can't work. Take the deal, if it goes to the lawyers, you won't get anywhere near as good a deal. Get it on paper. When your wife sees this in writing you will have called her bluff. Now the final decision is in her hands. Telling you she wants out is one thing. Pulling the trigger once you have agreed is another. She will be forced to face the reality of the situation.

This is not motivated by fear. This is calculated and reasoned. You continue to tell her that you would like to try to work things out. You continue to be honest and caring (plan A), but you put the burden of the final decision in her hands and remove her ability to sling idle threats.

Weather you WW respects you or not is irrelevant at this point. You have to respect yourself.

Hacked back into cell account. Very calculated. My speculation is that contact occurs at work until Friday, then there's a "Have a good weekend" Vm type of thing. Every Friday. WW is offering a grat deal legeally...wants out, 50/50 custody, etc.

Very torn...thinking of self preservation on one hand, want to kick her out on the other. SF have been an ongoing thing for us, although WW came home tonight adn told me "we need to start the processs of separating"...son no more sf, no more kisses etc. Too hard for her emotionally. Told me that now that we sleep together, maybe that's not a good idea. Wants to set up another bed in another area for her.

Any advice welcome.

There is no "process" to divorce.

She wants one? She should LEAVE. Not set up a bed elsewhere in the house....

She's just trying to buy more time to screw you over.

Thanks Lexxy.

We talked this morning and I confronted her on cell. Seems there's a new guy she's talking with now. She was unapologetic. Said that it doesn't matter, that the outcome will ultimately be that she and I get divorced. She views it as her simply moving on with life, and she's going to talk with other people. I gave her 30 days to leave, and am taking the deal to protect myself and DD legally.

I really appreciate all of the help that everyone has given me. I think that what I have is a W that was probably done emotionally with our marriage, and chose to end it in a horribly immature way. I've done everything that I could to make this an attractive option for her. She doesn't want it. I don't think this is about her falling for someone. She's done, and has moved on emotionally from me.

Thank you all for the support. I think that I will visit from time to time, but will probably be gone for awhile in order to start healing. I will probably also go dark on her when she moves.

Thanks!

I suggest still going through Plan A up until she actually leaves. And of course exposing this new A. Does the OM know she's married? Do the two of them work together?

Good Morning!

Well..been awhile since I've been here and wanted to share my developments. Not sure if this is really the proper forum any longer, but here goes..

W moved out over the weekend to new apartment. Papers have been filed and settlement agreement reached. Over the last month, she had been talking with "new guy" and he had apparently stopped returning her calls. Blew her off. At least that's what she told me. Hard to separate the lie from the truth with her. After the alleged rejection, she became apprently obsessed with tracking him down. After that became a deadens, her profile was up on match.com seeking someone tall, muscular, who wants fun &excitement. In the meantime, as the moving date drew near, she started to have what were apparently mixed feelings about her decision. She hoped that this would "provide us with answers" and that she hoped "something good" will come out of this. We're going to be friends with benefits, etc. Tells me she loves me. We were having SF right up until moving day.

In a nutshell, I don't know that there was ever one guy that there was an A with. I think that she just whacked out and for some reason is on the warpath to seeking validation from any other man than me. I do think that there is a degree of kind of keeping me on the hook emotionally "just in case" with a "maybe things will work out down the line...you never know" type of approach.

Given that I am only 72 hours into the separation..it's been difficult emotionally. Still shocked & awed. Not sure what direction to turn.I know that I do not want to be anyone's second or third choice. I still love her, but logically know that a relationship with her would be very difficult for me engage in again. I think that we cling to the familiar because we're afraid of the unknown.

Hope all of you are well. Any advice on moving on emotionally from this is greatly appreciated.

HG

Are you in Plan B??

Write a plan B letter, give it to her, and have no contact with her until she agrees to the conditions of your plan B letter. That is my advice.

Thanks for the input.

Not sure about this but wanted to toss it out there. Still have access to STBXW's personal email. Saw something pretty shocking yesterday, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. She struck up a conversation with a complete stranger from Match.com, and long story short, the conversation became highly sexual right away. Very disturbing stuff. She gave him directions to her house without ever seeing him. This is troubling in that my daughter is there right now. They have their rendevousz planned for tomorrow when I will have my daughter.

So..a couple of questions on this. We do have a separation agreement, so it's really none of my business what she does, regardless if I know about it or not or if it hurts me. The question is if I should take this info. to an attorney and seek full custody. Very reckless and highly disturbbing stuff, and I am very concerned for DD's safety. However, technically I shouldn't have this information. My concern is that if I act on it in any way, she may have grounds to file a restraining order for stalking her or something.

Personally I would take it to an attorney and see what can be done. That kind of behavior is very risky. Sooner or later she may invite a sexual sadist, homicidal maniac, or child molester over to your home.

That last guy that murdered his OW and unborn baby was on a dating site (don't know if it was Match.com) 12 hours after throwing her body in the park.