knak,

You can't force her to do anything. The only person you have control over is you.

She will not commit to working things out as long as she has contact with OM. That must be your goal. You must tell her, in nonaccusatory terms, that it hurts you. Make the statements about how it effects you when she does such and such. No angry outbursts, not love busters. Remain calm.

Vent your anger here.

Make the changes to yourself that you can make, to make yourself a better person and to become more the H she would choose for herself. Be the best father that you can be.

Do NOT press for commitment, only for NC w/ OM. Do NOT try to fix it overnight. Do NOT be a doormat and allow her to continue an A openly in front of the kids. Be sure to point this out to her, that this is NOT the example to be setting for them.

If you haven't done so, order (or get at the library or other source) Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Consider also reading His Needs/Her Needs, also by DR Harley, Torn Asunder by David Carder, and look into Dr Dobson's Tough Love.

When you ask her to end contact. make it about respect and that what she is doing is disrespectful to you, your marriage, your children. Make it about the family.

You have more than suspicions.

Mark

you are no idiot
I'll let you know if you become one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

To KNAK:

Plan A for awhile
don't nag/beg/argue

be pleasant .... and gather more evidence
get names/dates/copies of anything
look at credit card receipts
phone records

find OM
find out what he does
where he works
if he has a criminal record
dig dig dig

as you make YOU a model citizen in the marriage

it is not "fair", we all know that, but it is a tactical DECISION to go against your reasonable urge to charge through this like a bull with a firecracker up his butt ... and instead, be Mr. Suave .... charm her like she has never been charmed before

don't worry
this part of Plan A is NOT endless torture

but you are setting the stage for future actions

OK dokey?

Pep

Knack,

Just came across your thread. I'm a FWW (2 EA's).

I can tell you what worked in our situation.

When the last EA was discovered, I was planning on leaving. He was adamant that if I went, it was with no car, no kids. Because of the fear of losing my kids, I agreed to NC. Exposure was made to both our parents. I was furious, withdrawn and quite confused.

Also, DH was plan A'ing me well. I have not found evidence that he specifically follwed MB advice but everything he did was right along with Plan A guidelines as given to you by Mulan above.

This time was very difficult, I was going through withdrawal, mourning the loss of the "fantasy." But DH was still pluggin' away very plan A-like.

In time, I came to see the EA for what it was, a fantasy, and agreed to work on the M.

Now we have the best R we have ever had. I stay active here so I don't forget all I've learned.

I understand how hard it must be for you, I remember the pain I saw on my H's face. But in the end, he did the right thing, insisting on NC, exposure, etc. I respect him immensely for being strong enough to do what he had to do to keep his family together.

I hope this helps you.

Mom

Thanks for the encouragement.

I made a mistake of leaving the piece of paper that I wrote the OM name and number on the desk when I went to bed. I know she has seen it as she completly brushed me of this morning as I left, so there will be no more sneak looks at any text messages she will delete them imediatly.

I will have to see if she mentions anything this evening.

Just checkin' in to encourage you, Knak. If things get slow between posts, read the web site, glean what you can, ask more questions, and listen to the MB radio show if you can. Keep diligent and dig dig dig......you may have to organize your evidence into a notebook with timelines etc.

You can do this....keep control of your thoughts and what you say (no LBs), check back here if you're not sure and realize you're not alone in this.

Ace

Hey Knack,
You are not alone. I may not be able to offer much help other than to say to hang in there. Keep reading on this site, it will be your lifeline.

I'll be watching your sitch to see if I can help or maybe get some help too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Stay strong.

Hi Knak,

My guess is there is about a 7-hour difference between our time zones so at times this more rather resembles tin cans and strings than the instant gratification of the electronic email/web forum age.

That’s some good stuff that came in from Pep, Mulan, Mark and Mom. Mom is a fantastic resource here as she was once a wayward spouse and has done so much to help the confused betrayed. Read her post carefully and often. The keys for you may be in her post. Thanks Mom, you have done a lot to help so many here.

Will you have any luck tracking down Flower Boy with the phone number you recorded? Is there a tracking source in the UK for cell numbers? Throw it into an advanced search engine on “exact phrase” and see if anything comes up. Surprisingly, this worked for me a lot.

This forum gets pretty slow on the weekends but check in when you can. Put in a short update now and then so your thread does not drop too far out of sight. The weekend is a great time to work your Plan A. Remember Plan A is not primarily about you giving and giving to her EN’s but a time for you to work on yourself to become a better husband, father and man.

Update when you can. Best of luck!


“When you are going through He!!, you better keep going”
- Sir Winston Churchill

Cris, you have great timing.

I really needed an uplift today, thank you for the compliment. I can't undo what I did (and God, how I wish I could) but at least being here helps me feel like something good can come out of it.

Mom

knak,

Now is not the time to be afraid. You need to take a stand for your M. That means cutting off all access to him. Give a shout out to ChicagoDad because he has dealt with the same type of EA as you have. She is an ADDICT and you need to treat her as such. First of all, take what you know and expose it to her family and friends. Then, confront OM and let him know that you do not want him contacting your W. Find out who OM is and try and expose to his family. Finally, CUT OFF ALL ACCESS TO OM! Turn off the internet if you have to, or go to a computer store and get a tech guy to help you out with software that will BLOCK ACCESS to MSN, chat, etc., and install a keylogger. TURN OFF TMs on her phone, and change her number if you have to. Delete all contact info on OM, and block his email address. SHE IS AN ADDICT - TREAT HER AS SUCH!!!

The same time you do this you also need to be identifying her top 5 ENs, meeting them, and avoiding all love busters. Don't talk about your marriage/relationship, just focus on having fun with her and showing her a good time. She'll get pissed about the things you are doing to prevent her from talking to OM, but don't worry about it, it will fade with time. She'll get over it as she starts attaching herself back to you. DO NOT BE AFRAID! TAKE A STRONG STAND FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!

Hey, Knak,

How ya doing? It's been a couple days since you posted to this thread but I know our time zones might make it tough to connect. (If you have another thread going I did not see, forgive me....but I noticed this one slipping.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

What's happened since your last post?

Ace

Hi there everyone thanks again for all your input I hope you all had a good weekend.
I thought I would just give you a short update on how things are going. I have been pushing ahead with plan A working on myself and improving on the things I feel I have/had failed at. This weekend things appeared to go really well between WW even getting intimate and I it seemed we were at a point where we could start moving along. Then Sunday night she turned around and said things should not have happened and that it had all moved to fast between us and it was just adding confusion to everything.
Last night she told me that I should not worry about the EA as the OM had expressed that he was not interested in an A which really annoys her as she was getting all the right feelings from him and had wanted it to move on to a PA, another thing that has annoyed her is that he has told her that he is willing to disusse the issue with me to see if there is a way of helping her. She just said she doesn’t want to be in the same room if I did speak to him as she doesn’t want to face the reality that her feelings are just a fantasy. She has admitted that if she wants to move forward with anything she has to break contact with the OM but doesn’t want to.
I now realise that I have a long road ahead of building myself back into the person that my WW feel in love with when we got married.
What to do? do I go ahead and contact the OM tell him to stop all contact with WW which is what I want to do or do I hold out and let her do it herself making it more of a reality in a sense that she is finally over the EA and is ready to move on.
As I am really busy on the work this week I will probably not be able to respond to posts this week but I will try and keep you updated when I can.

Knak,

You really don't need or want marriage counselling from OM. Trust me on that.

Your marriage, while in crisis now is in all probability nowhere near as bad as your WW is painting it. It is just atypical revision of marital history to justify her affair to herself.

Who have you exposed this affair to? Because that list should include friends, relatives, pastors, anyone who can help wake her up.

Continue on with Plan A and make changes to make yourself the man you can be.

The key to getting on the road to recovery is NC and the end of the affair. I assume you have read some of the Infidelity FAQ's on this site and also "Surviving an Affair" available on this site as well.

Make good use of all the free material so generously supplied for us all by Dr Harley.

Knak,

Welcome back.

BK is right on as always. OM is not someone you need advising on your marriage nor is he to be trusted regarding his motives. WS frequently try to get close to a BS (particularly BS’s who don’t know about the affair yet) just to get their own intel. If there is contact between the two of you then you must make it clear that he has no contact with your wife ever again. That’s all he has to do to help you recover the marriage.

Don’t trust what your wife says about EA’s and PA’s and OM’s lack if interest. Stay in a strong Plan A and remain vigilant. Re-read your own post from last Friday regarding their messages to each other. Don’t trust them.

The hot and cold reactions of your wife you are describing is absolutely normal and expected. Frustrating, but normal. Remember what Mulan said, this is a marathon not a sprint.

You have woken her up a little with your Plan A. This is good. Keep it going. Keep reading. It is time to start exposing respectfully to everyone who will be on your side.