Tired man,
How did she lose her job? I'm confused about that.
Listen to the others. She's ticked off like a little kid who got caught by their dad doing something they weren't supposed to be doing. Now you need to sit back and be the lighthouse for her to wake up and see which way to go. Read everything you can on plan A and keep working on bettering yourself as a husband.
You should absolutely not feel guilty for snooping. You have every right to know what your spouse is doing with another person.

well lets just say that my lie about how I heard what I heard got "out of the bag" so to speak.
It was basically a botched up exposure of what I thought was happening, and she took the hit on it.

But what's done is done, I just hope we can pick up the pieces.

she's always maintained that she didnt have any fealings for om, it was just him talking.

I have a question.
Since I lied and blew this up with only the evidence that I have already posted about this has been basically put on me. She says she will not take any responiblity for this. At times when she is upset she sad that she is "trying to figure what she did wrong?" in the current situation with me being the bad guy and not trusting her I havent known what to say. How should I respond to that?

Hey, TM,
Don't feel bad, hold your head up. You did the very best you could do under the circumstances. You wife was gas lighting you. You are really on target with what you say: She was in at least an EA verging on a PA. She was telling you stuff that she knew made you feel uncomfortable--because you told her it made you feel uncomfortable. She was doing that to convince herself that her EA/potential PA behaviors were ok. She was not taking care of the feelings of her H--you.

You did the best you could do, and sounds like you may have averted the PA by your actions.

Hold your head up--you did good. Just Plan A. I have heard others ask on this forum if snooping is a LB. I have seen the answer, 'no, but getting caught is.' In general, it seems that it is recommended that BSs snoop, but do it in a low-key way so as not to incur emotional WSs. So my vote is that you keep your past snooping to yourself and that you continue whatever snooping you feel is necessary to ensure no contact. In the meantime, Plan A, and really--good job, you were there to protect your marriage.
Lake

thanks lake, and everyone.
she has since called me, she was very upset asking me if I realized what I had done to her. saying I ruined her life by makeing her loose her job/career, and ruining her plans for us. she blames me.
I told her that its a problem the we both had a hand in, and she went ape ****** saying she would take no responsiblity for any of it, that there was nothing there.
She said she thought about asking for her job back, and asking if she could stay with him to get away from me. she even threatened to call the cops to me to get me to leave. I dont know I think she is on the roller coaster ride and I dont know how to respond to things the right way. She said she thought she was going to be ok untill I said what I said about us both having a part in it.
I dont know, this is going to be hard, the kids were there and heard it too.
She cant focus on them or anything but her hatred for me. all the while still maintaining that nothing was going on. That it was a result of my perverted mind.
I may have wanted sf with her a little more than usual at times, I guess I was trying to see if she still wanted me, I dont know, I just dont know.
Everything is screwed up.

You need to get ahold of yourself. You had a LOT of reasons to suspect something was going on, and even now, the evidence clearly indicates that there was SOMETHING going on that shouldn't have happened in a normal marriage. She should have NEVER gone to his house!!! And even now, she's talking about asking him if she can go live with him???

How did she lose her job with this? I'm not tracking here.

Everything is screwed up because she has been having an affair, and is trying to gaslight you into allowing it to continue. She is VERY manipulative, and is making you think you are the abuser and she is the victim. The opposite is true. Do not back down and apologize for your actions. You did nothing wrong.

This would be a good time to get a voice activated digital recorder and keep it on you in case she does call the cops on you. That way, when the cops get there, you can have a recording of her making the whole thing up.

I am not as skilled as many others on this site in providing guidance. But I think you need to treat it like others have treated an EA/PA. Do not get emotional, do not apologize for your actions. Let her know that you did and will do what you need to do to protect your M. The fact that she is threatening you with going back to OM is a big red flag. Sounds like she is in denial big time but I do think she protest too much. In the end, what happened with her losing her job is basically the goal of most BSs whose spouse is having an inappropriate relationship with a boss/coworker. So you are right where you want to be in saving your M. Don't move out of the house, don't encourage her to move out of the house, don't encourage her in any of her rash behavior. Don't enable any of her rash behavior. You want to do what you can do to stay calm so that she is not able to fuel her anger with any of your behaviors. Hopefully, the two of you will remain in the same bed tonight. You might be able to let her know that your marriage is strong and that the two of you will be able to weather all of this if you just work together. Do you have a plan for your finances?

Sorry you are going through all of this right now and that you feel so guilty for your actions. I still say you did what you needed to do and you are at a good place for your M. Hopefully, others who are more experienced will give you further help. Stay calm, don't apologize, don't point fingers, don't enable her anger, stay in the same house and the same bed if you can.
Lake

I think she is saying that crap about moving in with him just to hurt me.
when I made up the story about how I heard what I heard, I let it go to long and the om was contacted about it, thats how she lost her job. the employer took his side because I'm the psycho and he just needed someone to talk to. thats the part that put me as the bad guy.

Look, I remember your thread and there was tension and some gossip already going on in the workplace or at least your WW painted that picture to you.

What happened was boundaries were crossed and she developed an infatuation and he was encouraging it. So then she ends up in his house on a tour.

Company did not want any drama that could lead to a sexual harassment case so one had to go--which one was most expendable?--your wife. Hopefully, she can gain from this experience and figure out how it was that she was able to let down her boundaries in this manner so that it does not happen to her in her next job.

You took a stand in the way you saw available to you and you did not want to be her little confidant for her EA leading to a possible PA. Well good for you.

Who gives a rats behind if people think you are a bad guy? Your number one concern if you wife and your family and you stood up for them. You will get major kudos here. Keep fighting the good fight.

<Do you have a plan for your finances?>

Not much of one anymore, thats why she went to work. Its not too good actually.

gonna be a ruff night...

well we survived the night.
we did have a discussion. she is still very mad and hates me. she says that I took her self esteem away, and half our income, her friends and her husband. she says that she never felt anything for him, it was just a job. She also said the bills were my problem now.

she says she will not accept any responsibility for this.

I kept telling her that I had my reasons for what I did, but that I was sorry for lying to her like I did. But that I was just trying to protect the family. She says its always been about me. She started mentioning things that she had done for me. She had bought me a few little things to reassure me of things a few times. But then she would turn around and tell me about something else that he would talk about. Maybe I should have paid attention better.
I also kept telling her that everything was going to be ok for her, just to give it time. She said not as long as she stays with me she wont be. I think she is just trying to bide time.
I dont know, I hope that time will heal this. I hope that some day she will see my side of it a little clearer. I may have been all wrong and let my paranoia do me in, I dont know. But I had tried to let her know, I didnt keep that a secret.

Anyway, now the reality of the money is going to kick in, its going to be hard. I dont know if I will be able to make it. Anniversarys, kids b-days, holidays are coming up too. This is going to be the hardest time of my life, and hers too.
She doesnt think this has affected me at all because I still go to the same place everyday and nothing has changed for me. And I have managed to stay calm most of the time.

What if I was actually wrong?

I'm really trying to keep my head up about all of this, its just hard.

OK, so I just went back and re-read your entire situation here.

You never once found any true "proof" of the affair, right? You tried digital recorders in her car, you reviewed her cell records, you showed up at work unannounced...and ended up with nada, right?

I don't think that this truly got to an affair stage...EA or PA. I think it could have easily have gone further...because what you DID find was some very weak boundaries that your wife didn't appear to be willing to enforce or improve.

This sounds like my marriage during the year that led up to her online EA. She wasn't willing to recognize that her boundaries were weak. She wouldn't take responsibility for when she said/did things that were hurtful and beyond a 'normal' boundary. There was nothing I could do to convince her at the time that what she was doing was wrong, and damaging to our marriage and our family.

It wasn't until she actually CROSSED those boundaries, had her EA, and went through all the normal steps (addiction, withdrawl, etc...) that she could later see that those boundaries were weak all along. Prior to that, she couldn't understand the NEED for those boundaries...she couldn't understand the real threat that they posed to our marriage. AFTER her affair, and our counseling and recovery, she clearly does now.

You never did clearly explain what happened to get her fired. Or what you 'thought' was an inappropriate situation that you caught via your digital recorder.

I think that at this point, you need to continue a "plan A" of sorts. MEET HER EN'S!!!! NO LB's AT ALL for a while!!! Now, this does not mean plan doormat, nor does it mean you sit there and accept all the blame or anything. It means that you work on making your marriage and relationship someplace that she can talk safely...it needs to become a refuge for her again. Its going to be a hard balancing act. Stick with your IC...actually, I'd suggest that you go to an MB qualified MC for advice and support, even if your wife doesn't want to go.

Back off on talking about the marriage or relationship for a bit...support her efforts in getting a new job to the best of your ability.

Let her bruised emotions heal a little bit for now on all of this...learn what you can about improving your marriage, and implement the changes unilaterally for now. Take a look for a book "20 (Surprisingly Simple!) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens. Its an easy read, with some great advice, and it was key for our recovery and rebuilding our marriage after my wife's EA. Don't make it seem like counseling...just start implementing the changes. Dont' try to educate her right now...let things cool down a while. DO keep an eye on her boundaries and such...she likely is vulnerable to an affair right now. Her lovebank is likely running on empty after all of this. Work to fill it.

Think about this...you need to refill her lovebank to begin attracting her back now, or your marriage may not recover. At the same time, you need to keep from being needy/whiny/clingy...that withdrawls from a woman's lovebank big time.

Make sense?

If what you have described on your thread is accurate. You were not wrong. She clearly had a crush on him and was using you as her pretend best girlfriend to tell you about it--ugh. He invited her into his house. He is having trouble in his marriage. He was telling her about his [email]s@x[/email] life.

This was all bad news, she had poor boundaries and was falling for it in a perfect way. All of a sudden they could have been kissing, or he could have been feeling her up (sorry to be graphic, but it is true) and then she could have just been 'swept off her feet and taken by surprise' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> because she was refusing to see the situation for what it really was.

I have looked back through your thread and the above is what I see. Please don't beat yourself up for what you did. She can get another job. Maybe it won't pay as much as that one did, but she can get an income. Sounds like she is sad about losing this job (understandable) but also may be wanting to punish you and the family for your 'sins'. I just do not think that you should accept the 'punishment'. Hopefully she will accept some support from you at some point soon about finding a new job and will not use your support to blast you about what you did.
Sorry you and your family are in this boat, but you are not the bad guy.
Lake

thank you both.

everything I have posted has been as accurate as I could do without giving too much away that someone may recognize my situation.

I just hope I have the time to try to fill the love bank back up.

All I have is hope and love for her.

what you say makes sense Owl.
I'm just scared that I cant fix this.
Its going to be hard to Plan A her. She doesnt even want to look at me. I will do what I can though.
God I hope I didnt ruin my marraige beyond repair.
I know I probably sound like a wus, but I really have been trying not to feel sorry for myself too much. I just dont have anyone else to talk too right now. I havent broken down in front of her since the day of. I have been trying to act serious and somber though. She keeps hitting me with the lie I told her, that hurts.
Her mom is a very sweet lady, has been just like my own mom, and she is hurting too, everyone is hurting.

TM,

I just read your thread. You did nothing wrong.

She sounds very much like my exww. What she has is no concept of what is appropriate behavior in a M is with members of the opposite sex.

My ex met a young man on the base when she was pregnant with our twins. I found out later that she frequently exchanged texts with him and and talked to him a lot when she was out. I got off work early one day and decided to drop in on her "studying".

I walked in, saw her stuff, but didn't see her. I figured she might be taking a break and playing video games, which is something she and I frequently did there.

I walked into the game room and found her finishing up playing a game with this guy.

All innocent in her mind. I was the crazy one, the jealous one.

I was upset by it, mainly because I wasn't told about it. I felt she did it sneaking around. That bothered me more than anything.

We had long arguments about it afterwards. I told her I wasn't comfortable about her interacting with a young man like that and that it was inappropriate. She said I was crazy and jealous and that I didn't understand that she makes better friends with men than with women.

She didn't get my arguments that I didn't see why a 21 year old man should be in contact with a married woman and hang out with her. I told her that I know men and how they think and didn't trust his intentions no matter how innocent she thought they were.

She finally caved.

I stuck to my guns.

You have to be strong. Quit apologizing for what you did. Very clearly state, "I felt my marriage was threatened and your interaction with this man was very inappropriate. I also don't trust his intentions with you. I did what I had to and I would do it again."

Let her huff and puff. This is all bluster and nothing more than a show. She'll eventually respect you for setting the boundary.

She probably has the same mentality of innocent interaction with the opposite sex. It doesn't exist in a marriage. Couples make friends with couples and hang out with couples. It is dicey to do otherwise.

She kept that same mentality when our marriage got weak and she was trying to "make friends". Her way of making friends was through flirting online. It led to a PA. It was only one night, but it happened.

I was weak and weakness killed me. Appeasement will get you nothing. Trust me.

I'm now dealing with trying to put my life together after I let her keep everything, thinking that it would maximize our chances of being together again.

One year later and she's engaged to someone else, kept all our stuff, and has my kids. She sits her butt with this other man on the couch I bought, watching the HDTV I bought, and then having sex on the bed I bought. All the while, this man spends more time with my kids than I do.

Want to be in my shoes? Trust me, being strong will only save your butt and protect your children.

I would suggest to your ex that you guys have trouble in your marriage and that you would like to work on improving your communication and get some books that you can both read. Then, get the MB books and work through them with her.

One more night, not getting much sleep.
Things stay quiet untill it gets late and its bedtime.
I dont know how I can meet her EN ans not LB, seems like I LB just by being there.
I didnt bring anything up about it, other than talking about some ideas I had about the finances, that went over ok for a while.
Then before bed she gets wound up. I cant help but take all the blame because I dont want to argue with her. No matter what I say its all my fault. I guess that means I'm in plan doormat? All I can do is reasure her that I am sorry for the way things turned out. And that I thought I had good reasons. I just wish I wouldnt have lied to her about my snooping, she is using that one very effectively. I havent gotten angry back or anything like that, I'm just trying to weather it everytime hoping that time will work on her. She said that time is not working in my favor.


I dont have any MB counselors around. I may try IC again she will probably give me a hard time, she still throws the last time I went at me regularly. I am very tired, and I worry about my kids hearing/seeing all of this. She puts me down about it every chance she gets, even around them. I dont think there is a love bank to even try to fill right now. She asked me when I was going to leave, I told this was my home.
I pray that God can make this right, make me right.
I'm trying to stick to my guns, I just hope I had them pointed in right direction.
At least she hasnt mentioned filling papers in a few days.

very tired_man

Don't be her punching bag. If she wants to yell at you, tell her you aren't talking to her, and lock the door to the bedroom. Don't take her abuse, but don't return it. Eventually she'll learn that she can't talk to you that way.