Hello all.. I have been lurking on this site for a couple of months now, and I guess it's time to tell my story, god knows I could use the support! My WW and I have been together for 7 years, married in August of 2006. Up until that point in time, I believed we had a solid relationship, and was excited about our life together. Little did I know that my life was getting ready to come crashing down around me.

Following our wedding, I began to suspect something was going on with my wife. Having been in a prior relationship that was chock full of infidelity, and realizing that maybe I was experiencing commitment issues, I decided to keep my mouth shut, my ears and eyes open, and make sure I wasn't misreading signals before I said anything. DDay 1 came with the next cell phone bill. She was calling one number several times a day, and most of the conversations were quite long. I also noticed that she would make very short calls to me first, then call him. I also started to keep a journal of her comings and goings, and noted that a lot of the calls occured at times she had to run to the store.

I finally confronted her on it, and she admitted that she had met someone she found "interesting", and that he was "just a friend". After much discussion, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, and told her that contact needed to end. She agreed, but would not tell me who he was. This has continued to this day (no information -says she's told me all there is to know). As time progressed, I began to uncover more evidence (long lunches when she told me she was in a meeting, continued contact, etc.).

I made all the classic mistakes before finding this site. Jumped up and down, yelled, threatened, you all know the drill. During this time, the EA became a PA (so she says - I believe it was an atempt at admitting to the affair). Although I was deeply devestated, having found this site I committed to a rigorous self examination, and embarked on making improvements to myself, in the hopes that I would begin to reclaim some self reespect, and hopefully pull her away from the OM. I did not expose the relationship except for a few close freinds, and I now see that all I accomplished was taking the pressure off her and giving her the space to pursue it further.

DDay 2 was today. Because she continues to be secretive and deceptive (does not bring home pay stubs, has been hiding music cds and other stuff that I know she didn't like in the past), and continues to avoid any discussion of what happened between us, I checked her cell phone bill today. Although contact is not as proliferate as before (obviously they have gone further underground), she did contact him during a flight delay in Miami, and I can only assume her reason was to let him know that she would not be in the next day. I also noticed that he called Valentines evening, and she had to take a short notice business trip the next day.

I have decided that exposure needs to happen. I have prepared seperate, but similar letters to her employer, friends and family.

I am lost at this point, and I feel I have nothing to lose at this point. Although there have been some good over the last couple of months, I now see this with clear eyes, and I have to do something to put a stop to the A. I do love my W with all my heart, but my love bank is being exhausting by the WW at a rapid rate. She has not put much into the recovery, which she says she wants, but this doesn't square with her actions. The fog is fairly thick.

Awaiting the fireworks...

Who is the OM? Is he married? Is he a coworker?

Broken, exposure may just be the club-over-the head wke-up cal she needs. I've done the "partial" exposure, and still feelui like I'm being taken advantage of. Let us know how it goes...good luck!

Mel,

I don't know who he is, but suspect he's married and/or works with her (in another department), she won't give details and lives in constant denial. Can only remember minor details when cornered. I brought up the airport call tonight, she stated she doesn't remember calling him. Said to her "phone records don't lie". I am handlinng this without anger, just rying to convince her that she needs to open up and be honest if she truly wants to get through this. She says all the right things, but her actions prove otherwise. Told her I know they're not using the cell number, so OM either works there or calls her at work. I know this because she had to leave town suddenly for a death in the family last month (real), and I found a text message from OM the night before she left stating "missing you already, love you, hurry back". Checked cell records, no calls in the weeks before. When I said this, she all of a sudden remembers she called hime for something.

confused,

I did partially expose this to her mother early on (September), response from that was from a person I've never seen before. you know, hates me more then ever, bla bla bla.. Later told me that she only said it because I told her mother (who she says she hates).

I think I'm dealing with someone who has deep emotional issues. She denies everything, even when the evidence is staring her in the face. Say's she doesn't remember the text message the night before she left town. Tells me she wants to stay and work this out, but I'm still waiting for "what" and "how" she thinks this gets worked out. Only thing I can assume is that she thinks if we just sweep everything under the rug, it will go away (not going to happen, and I know it will just go on). I am struggling with this.

Someone, if I don't have concrete evidence of who the OM is, should I expose to her employer?

They lie and lie and lie and lie... one fact you need to realize. Only when confronted with evidence they cannot refute do they admit to it. Standard SOP for Waywards, unfortunately.

Don't know who said this, but I found this to be very true: Its not affairs that kills marriages, but the lies

Sooo true. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Maybe call up that guy from another number and ask who it is, like you were looking for someone else. At least you may get a name and can then trace who he is in the company. Exposure to his wife or family may put pressure on him as well

Broken:

You know she is in an Affair. You don't have to "Prove" it to her.

Perry Mason we ain't and the witness is hostile.

Do the exposure.

Do the Plan A.

And get ready for the fall out....

Cause it is going to be ugly for the next couple of weeks.

Please someone post the method to reverse a phone number to a name and address....

Then you know who OM is, and your next exposure targets.

Go back through the old cell phone bille, and you will find OM home phone, cell phone and office number. You ma have to check them all to find out which ones go to the same address/name.

LG

got to whitepages.com, click on reverse phone.

usually doesnt work if its a cell phone

dev,

I showed her the cell phone records!! She still says she doesn't remember!! What do I need? a video of them having sex?? Even at that, I believe she would try to weasel out of it.

Somehow, I need to find out who OM is. I have called his cell, voice mail greeting says "call back". Text messaged him a few times, he's obviously a complete coward.

You really can't expose an affair if you have no facts and don't even know who the OM is! Your first step before doing anything is to find out who this is! Find out who this is so you can expose it. You can then expose to his wife, employer, etc. This affair can THRIVE and go deep underground as long as he remains anonymous. Find out who he is and everything about him!

Her denials have nothing to do with "emotional issues," they have to do with the fact that she is lying because she is in an adulterous affair.

Get the goods, my friend, that is the FIRST STEP!

Already did the reverse phone lookup, just the carrier and location. I will have to go back thru the phone records as LG suggested.

have someone else call from a phone number he wont recognize but will not come up as restricted or unknown; claim wrong number when he answers. OR - this is bad - have whoever is calling pretend that om is an old friend and get as much info as possible before claiming wrong number.

hey om whats up!

its me... joe!

whos this

i am the om

i must have wrong number

you get a name

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What about intellius.com? Do you think she contacts him on her home computer? Can you hire a P.I.? He could probably ID the phone # for you at least, and get some background on the OM, such as wife's name, etc.

Broken:

Listen to Mel.

You need to find out who the OM is.

Even to the extent of hiring a P.I. to do it for you.

Voice activated recorder for her car, keylogger on her computer, etc, that can get you more info. Call someone she knows at works, she if she has been hanging with someone alittle too much. Borrow a friends car and follow her, if need be.

But this vital piece of info is needed for the rest of the process. WW will lie all day if you ask her, so you have to use other methods to get the info.

What did your exposure letters say, by the way. Mel has a good point to holding off on mailing them until you have a name for OM. And you do not want the exposure letter to be too critical/vague/long, etc.

I'm probably going to have to find a PI. I believe this is connected to a car she sold (said she sold it to someone at work, but never brought a copy of the title home. Also had vanity plates assigned that she had since her teens and couldn't part with, all of a sudden she didn't care that she lost them because she didn't have the title for transfer), so I might be able to trace thru VIN. She doesn't use the home computer for that. I had a key logger on it, and gave that secret up early on (big mistake).

reminder... dont forget to plan a

I'm holding off exposure until I find out who OM is. I have been in plan A for 1 month now, feel it's wasted at this point.

not wasted... keep it up. it makes a difference even if you dont see it right away.

Also try to track that phone # on intellius.com. If you can't track it, I would hire the P.I. to find out who belongs to that #.

You might also want to place a GPS on her car to see where she is going. What about lunch hours? Can you find out where she goes at lunch and have her followed?

Another thing you can do is place a voice activated recorder in her car and record her conversations. She may be talking to him on her way to and from work.

I would start with the P.I. and find out WHO this guy is, though, ASAP.

mel,

She knows I'm checking the cell phone bills, I was surprised to find the calls I did in last months bill. She won't make that mistake again. Probably figured with the change in attitude that she was safe.