My eye allergies are giving me fits, so not much here, but I just want to remind you that he is SOOOO CAKE EATING. That's why he's saying you are okay with it...because HE is, and he is incapable of seeing anything from anyone else's POV.

And look at his actions. He looks sad, he's hurting, he sounds a little mopey, he can't tell time....BUT he's still taking his kids away from their home. He's still living up the single life. He's still not being a responsible father or husband. He's still not DOING anything to put his family and his REAL life back together. He's still telling his brother that it's hunky dory.

DON'T BE DECIEVED by how closely he resembles your H (a sadder version of your H no less), how he sounds, smells, feels like your H. He's not your H. He's a selfish alien who has taken over your H's body. If your H were here, wouldn't he want to kick this guy's a$$? Would your H allow someone to hurt his wife and kids? Pretend your H is sitting on your shoulder for a minute. What would he say to you about this situation? What would he tell you to do to this guy who has taken over his body?

Sorry if I sound nuts. A little coping mechanism...whatever gets me through the day.

I completely understand the struggle to get the head and heart in sych. Thank goodness I had the a-ha moment that switched me into Plan B, or I would have fought it until it ran me into the ground.

It does sound like you may be overthinking it a bit, though. Plan B isn't about going straight to Plan D. Plan B is a step back from the drama, a step back from the pain of contact, of seeing H and feeling like you could just-almost-just a little farther-stretch those fingers out...reach him. But H will never be in reach while in Plan A, no matter how much you want him to be. He's forever out of reach while in the midst of the A. He only APPEARS like he's close enough to touch; it's an illusion.

Maybe that doesn't make sense.

If my eyes weren't driving me nuts I would look it up, but there was a great post...maybe in Pep's notable posts thread, about what Plan A is and isn't (little late for me now, because it makes such good sense). Plan A isn't about getting back the WS, Plan A is about prepping for Plan B.

But please don't think Plan B means giving up. Check out all of us in the soiree thread and in the roll call thread. None of us have given up on our Ms! We may be close for a variety of reasons, but I don't think any of us went into Plan B with the idea that Plan D was the next thing on the list.

It might END UP being the next thing on the list, but Plan B gives YOU time to figure that out for yourself, without all the craziness of being in the A-land triangle. You can't make good decisions for yourself while in that place. Plan B gets you out of it, lets you find YOURSELF again. Hopefully the WS finds him/herself as well...which (speaking theoretically, not from experience) becomes more likely without the luxury of copious amounts of CAKE served on silver platters.

I wish I could help you with getting your head and heart in sych, because it is so difficult. I think we are all on our own timeline there, but if you need to process your feelings, throw them out here and we can help you bounce things around to help you find a comfortable, peaceful spot.

okay?

I don't know. It is kind of weird. I feel like I put more thought into the whole M more when he is NOT around. When he is around, I am not really thinking, "is this good? Is this a good thing?? YES!!! I THINK that it is, oh... maybe not..." It is weird. I feel more like my OLD self around him. I feel more confidant, I feel happy, and it has been showing and he has noticed. I do not feel dread when he is leaving. I feel like I am more in control of myself, and the situation for ME.

Like I know that if we get a D, it will actually be me filing. I do not see him doing it. If we get along, it is from MY effort to get along good with him. I have reasons to NOT, and to be mean to him, but I am not doing those things. I am not acting out in anger towards him either. It is almost weird.

I have not been asking myself, "well, where is he? I wonder what he is doing? Is he with another W?" It really does not seem to matter as much to me anymore. I have not been calling him, and I really have no reasons too, when he does not have the kids. And, I finally do not seem to really care that he is not calling me. It was EATING away at me for a long time.

Today for example, again WH chatted with me about this and that, and he is talking more. He was talking about what he did this weekend (I did not ask him). I am not talking so much, I am, I think starting to get to him a little with not telling him what I am doing all of the time. He keeps dropping little, "so what have you been up to lately?" I just tell him that I have been busy doing a lot of things.
He wanted to know why I was not working this next weekend, am I doing anything? I told him no, nothing much ( I am going to go away to see a friend for the weekend, YAY!). He wanted to know if I was on vacation. I told him no, I was just taking a weekend off. I think that he is thinking, "Why does she need a weekend off??"

I kind of am feeling pretty detached from him right now. Is this a good thing or not? I am not upset, but then again, I am not really sad anymore either. I have just accepted the situation as it is. He does not want to be with me, he does not live here.

Today when he dropped off the kids, he hung around a little talking. He is not feeling good. I patted his back and asked him if I could do anything, and he said that he just needed to sleep. He then reached over, and hugged me, and did not let go. I hugged him back, and he just held me. I finally let go, and backed up. When he was leaving he told me again to 'stay out of trouble, be good, thanks" Thanks for what? I am not sure, I did not ask. I just said you're welcome! He came up to me, and hugged me, then he kissed my mouth. Not a passionate kiss, but a nice kiss. I kissed him back, patted his back, and told him to have fun tonight. He said, "I am not going to have fun, I am just going to go home, and lay down." I told him then to have a good night. I turned, and he said, "why are you so happy lately?" I looked back at him and smiled and said, "I just am, and I am HAPPY that I am!" He smiled at me and said, "It is good to see you happy." and he left.

I am just going to be careful, and not get myself into any scenarios that may 'steal my thunder' I am not going to try to do anything differently than I am now, and give it a go. I am in a detached kind of place, and it is ok for me now. How long this will last, I do not know, but if it improves relations with my WH too, I figure, why not? I know that I have been straight with him about everything, I tried, I would never do anything JUST to hurt him. I feel I have acted in a respectable fashion towards him when I sometimes wanted to be so much different. I think that in all of this I have grown. And I am a better person because of it. Strange, isn't it?

I am in the same situation with my wife. I am pretty detached from the whole thing. She sleeps in a bed with the OM 10 feet over my head, and I can still sleep at night and eat food. I hear them walking around upstairs and I shrug my shoulders.

There is nothing I can do about, so I am not going to let it bother me.

OTOH, it is going to be a rather large relief when I move in a week. After the move, it is up to her.

So, in answer to your question, YES it is good to be detached. If you were not, you would go bonkers. Being detached allows you to actually work on YOU, with very little distraction. You go on with your bad self!

Dogfood-
Thanks! I am feeling really good lately. What is funny is I feel SO MUCH LIKE MY OLD SELF. It is amazing. One of the people that I work with today told me that I have been glowing... and she wanted to know why - is it a new man? Did me and my WH make up??? It was good to tell her that I was lost, now I am found again.... I am BAACKKKKK!!!!

It is great!

Good luck to you too! Thanks for the input!

Sadmo

The happy SADMO has triumphed again!!!! Or at least that is how I felt today LOL!

My WH was going to pick up the girls after work today, and they are sick (my poor babies!) nothing too bad, just a fever, and generally blah. So I called him to let him know that they were not feeling well, I had to work, so if he just wanted to see them for a while after work, or see them tomorrow, whatever he wanted to do, would be fine. I also told him that I hoped he was feeling better too. He had just put me to voice mail when I called, and I would normally not leave a message, I would wait for him to call back. So today I left him the message, and forgot about it. He called me at work several hours later to ask if he could just 'send the sitter home, and watch the kids until I got home." I told him that that was fine by me. Then he called me again to see what time I was going to be home, he was thinking of ordering a pizza. I told him that was good, and he ordered one. Which was GREAT by me, I did not feel like cooking!

I came home, and I was in a good mood, and the first thing out of his mouth is, "Seriously, WHY are you so happy lately?" I seriously looked at him and said, "just say the word, and I will NOT be happy!" And I laughed. He said, "no, no, no, STAY happy!" And then he laughed. He stayed a little while tonight, was mostly lurking around me. I talked to him, but did not make him a FOCUS. So he went to leave and he hugged the girls goodbye, and me, and then he kissed me goodbye. He then followed with his new 'goodbye' of "stay out of trouble, be good!" So I told him, "that is what I hear, I am good, so no problem there!" and I laughed. The look on his face: PRICELESS
He asked what I meant, and I said, "aww, don't be humorless, take a joke!" He then laughed... a little. He started to walk out the door, and turned and asked if he could come over after work tomorrow, 'since he did not spend much time with the girls today' (he spent 4 hours with them!) I told him that would be great, just tell the sitter to leave, and I will be home later, I had some running around to do. He then said, "You won't be here? Where are you going?" I told him I just had some running around to do, nothing too much. He said, "well, I will let you know about tomorrow tomorrow, let me call you, and let you know." So I said, "well, the sitter was going to stay late tomorrow for me, just let me know if you are coming or not so I can tell her how long she is going to need to stay." He said, "I guess that I will come here then." He gives me a sad look, and leaves.

I feel like I am on top of the world right now, I have my weekend getaway that I am going to do, and I am not trapped by my feelings of 'I am not worthy'. I just feel so good right now about ME, it is wonderful. I just had to share!!!

Lately my WH seems a LOT more interested in what I am doing. He will ask, "so what are you doing this weekend? What have you been up to, have you seen any of your friends lately? What have you and the kids been up to?" Etc. He was not interested at all in what I had been doing, he would even go so far as say, "Look, I do not ask you what you are doing all of the time, I respect you to not ask you, I expect the same in return." It quite honestly drove me crazy.

As MY FOG (obssession with trying to repair our M, or WHY he would not want to repair it) lifted, I stopped asking him things. It really did not matter to me as much anymore. Plus, he lies when it suits his purpose, and what is the point of asking someone something when they are only going to lie to you anyway (or maybe lie, but I would not know until later).

My question is, SHOULD I be honest with him at all times, like I used to? For example, I took this weekend off of work, and I am going to visit my one friend. Normally he would not have asked me what I was doing on the weekend, and this time he has asked me a thousand times. Well, maybe not a thousand, but almost everyday until I finally told him yesterday. But I did not tell him the truth. I am going to visit a GF, but not the one that I told him. The one that I am going to see, I have to fly out to see, and I did not want him to know that. He is hurting for money now, and I know that it would upset him that I was spending money on a plane trip, when he is barely scraping by. He wanted to know WHY I took a weekend off of work, when he had the kids, what I was going to be doing, etc. I played it off, "oh, I had to work more earlier in the week, it just worked out that I got the weekend off" but he was not buying it. There really is nothing for me to hide by telling him that I am visiting my GF, but I did not really think that it was any of his business, since he does not tell me his itinerary.

Am I being silly about this? How should I answer his questions about what I am doing? I am not doing anything scandelous, I still think of myself as M, and I act accordingly. But, I feel annoyed that he is asking now, when he knows that I am an honest person, I always have been, and thought I always would be. He has not been honest with me a lot, and I always told him the truth about everything I did, went, etc. The thing that gets me is I actually feel GUILTY about lying to him about where I am going, since I do not want him to know I am taking a plane, and spending money, when he does not have any. (his fault, not mine!)

My whole family knows where I am going in case something happens, so I am ok there. Should I be honest with him all of the time, when he is not with me? I think that that is why I stopped asking him things, because I hold honesty in HIGH regard, and I knew that he was not always telling the truth, and it would upset me a lot. So the 'don't ask' policy actually helped me to not be so mad at him.

Lately he has been nicer, and he actually even answered his cell phone when I called him last night to tell him where to pick up the girls today. And that is when he asked me, again, what I was doing this weekend, and that is when I told him that I was visiting my one friend. He then THANKED me for letting him know, and asked me to keep my cell phone on, in case he needed to get a hold of me. And then I felt guilty that I lied to him about where I was going.

In a nutshell: He has lied to me a lot, I have not lied to him at all. He would get annoyed when I would ask him what he was up to, he asked me to stop, I did. Now he is suddenly interested in WHAT I am doing, and I have kind of tried to be evasive, but I have not lied. I am doing a lot better emotionally since I took myself out of the 'trying to save out M" match. I am now just trying to get along well with him, no personal questions from me, so I would not get upset, or get lied to. Do I owe it to him to be honest at all times with him? Or should I just be evasive? I am not a fan of lying, it actually eats away at me. But I do not want to stir up anger in him, again, that I have more money right now than he has. It has become a sore spot for him.

Any thoughts?

THE 180:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow spouse around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life with or without your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what spouse will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show spouse someone they would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with yur spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 5% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes

Mulan-
I have been doing most of that.... But, if he does ask me something, should I answer? Should I be truthful? It is in my nature to be open and honest. So with the 180 (which I have been doing pretty well now) -should I start lying? (just kidding!) But in all seriousness, should I still remain truthfull in all regards, or should I deflect his questions like he used to do to me?

Sadmo

I don't think you have to lie to him, you just need to learn to be less "open" in your communication with him.

For instance, when he asks if you are doing anything this week-end you can just say "I have plans." Which is true. You can even tell him you are visiting one of your GF's. He doesn't need to know you are flying there. His money issues, just like his other choices are his. As are his consequences. Not knowing what's going on in your life in every detail is a consequence of his choices right now.

And if he presses for more information, you can thank him for his interest, let him know your family knows your itinerary, and change the subject to, oh I don't know...digestive issues you are having with certain foods.

Sorry, that's what came to mind.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there.

Sadmo,
I agree with Johns...I would not lie but also not volunteer the info. If you don;t want WH to know, then just tell him that you are not comfortable sharing that with him now or that you don;t think it is his concern. IF he decides that he is ready to demonstrate that he is 100% committed to your M, you both may return to a place where that is his business, but if he is not fulfilling the responsibilities of a H, then he has no rights to the info that a H does.

Johnstwin and Gameface-
Thanks for the advice. It is really good. I just always am an open and honest, what you see is what you get kind of person. I am honest, you ask, I tell. (With people I know). I ACTUALLY have a conscious, and feel guilty if I hide anything, wouldn't that be great if Waywards felt that way!! LOL~

I had my weekend away. It was WONDERFUL. I needed it really badly. Then came today. My sitter(my sister) calls to tell me that she cannot watch the kids for me tonight when the WH comes to drop them off. I panic. I am several states away. I ask her if she could just watch them anyway. She said no. So WH calls me FURIOUS. He tells me that I need to come home in 4 hours, he had the kids all weekend, he is not going to watch them all night. My plane was not coming in until 9, he wanted to drop them off at 5. I told him the agreement was he would have them until 7. He said, "You know, there is NO REASON that you need to be out so late with your friend. You need to cut it short, and come home." I said, "No, I can't". He says, "WHY NOT! You have kids that you need to take care of! I have to work tomorrow!" I told him I would try to work things out. I called a few people, and finally my Dad said that he would watch the kids, but not until 7. My WH was MAD. "I do not see what you need to be gone for the WHOLE weekend for! So and so would think NOTHING of cancelling on you, so what difference does it make if you cancel on her?" I told him that I was NOT coming home early, he is their dad, something came up, he will just have to deal with it.
, I was sorry, but there was nothing I could do.

My sister called a little later, and said that she COULD watch the kids after all. So he dropped the kids off EARLY. When he dropped them off, my sister noticed that their hair was not combed, and she asked my older D if she had had a bath at daddy's. She said no. She asked if he had combed her hair, she said no. He also did not have them brush their teeth. And it was Sunday, and he had had them since Friday. SO that was upsetting to me.

I had had a great weekend, and then, I let him rain on my good times AGAIN. I am frustrated with myself. Grrr.

ok.. what's this 180??? Is it when plan a is getting nowhere? Or is it part of plan a somehow? Please let me know as this all makes a lot of sense to me!

Document the condition of the children when they were dropped off and the big deal the WS made of it. You will be able to use that evidence later to prove he is not a fit parent. He really isn't. No WS is a fit parent. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

He wanted to upset your weekend. So when he asks you how the weekend was, tell him you had a good time and do NOT mention how his behavior upset you.

It will make him wonder why and that is a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

FIL: The 180 is from another site called "divorce busters". It is sometimes used here as a kind of substitute for Plan B if the WS refuses to move out but the BS cannot or will not leave. It's just a bit of a sanity-saver for the BS if a real Plan B is not available for whatever reason.
Mulan

I did not have a good day today. I am worried about my kids, I am worried about what kind of parent I am being, and what kind of parent WH is being.

My sitter called me today at work, my DD wanted to talk to me. I get on the phone, and she is crying, real sadly, and says that she misses me so much. She put on my coat, and would not stop crying. I got upset. I am having to work a lot, I am not spending as much time with them as I should due to the circumstances of my M. My poor babies. :-(

Then I got upset about my WH, and his selfish behavior. Why can't he comb their hair, or brush their teeth, or keep them on any kind of schedule? Why is he having that one woman come over with her kid to his house at almost ten at night, so the kids can play? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? I have talked to him about being a responsible parent, he said that he would be, now what do I do? Do I finally just say enough is enough? That he cannot take the kids overnight if they are not going to have more structure? He did not call them to tell them goodnight today. That is good, I did not want to talk to him, he makes me ill right now.

The thing is that I do not want to be confrontational with him, I do not really know how to approach him in a way that WILL get him to understand my concerns, and take them seriously. His brother talked to him a few weeks ago, and was disgusted by my WH's attitude. Should I ask my BIL to talk to him about giving the kids some stability? I am at a loss, and I am worried about my kids getting really damaged by all of this. :-(

So the WH called me today this morning. I was on my way to work, so I did not know. He called my cell phone. I saw it was him, I did not answer. All I could think was, "I am in a good mood, I do not want him to ruin it." So he left a message, "Well, I was just calling to see how your weekend was, and what you did. I also wanted to know if I could pick up my girls tomorrow so that I could spend time with them. Give me a call. If you cannot call until after work, call me around 4 at my house." I actually thought, "no, I am not going to call you, everytime I talk to you, I ruin my good mood." So I did not call him back.

He then called my work an hour later. (he has NOT been calling me on my cell phone, or work for a while). I did not know it was him, I did not expect it to be. He was like, "oh, hi, how was your weekend with your friend? What did you do?" I told him my weekend was good, what did he need. He said that he just wanted to clear it with me that he was going to get the girls tomorrow after work. I asked him if he had any plans with them (playdates) and he said no, he just wanted to spend some time with them. He asked if I would be home when he got them. I told him no, I would still be working. He seemed annoyed. He asked me how work was, I told him it was good, I asked him about work, he said it was ok, so I just said, "ok then, you are going to pick the kids up after work tomorrow?" He said yes, so I told him I had to go. He seemed almost... dare I say, confused?

He just has been such a stress on my life for so long now, and now that I have decided that I am not going to just be sitting here, pining for him, and I am going to do more for myself, I am starting to get annoyed with him. Is this normal? A week ago I had no bad feelings for him. Now I am disgusted with him about having all of the 'play dates' and everything, and all of his selfish demands, that I do not even want to be around him. I do not want to talk to him, I do not want to even have any contact with him. If it is good contact, that is fine, but if he gets all self-riteous about his new party/new friends, it gets me MAD.

It is actually kind of weird. A week ago I was indifferent towards him, and now I am wanting to not have to deal with him anymore. I had a great weekend, I have been my old self, and I feel great. The only time I start NOT feeling great is when I have to deal with him. I just see him lapsing MORE and MORE into his new 'party' lifestyle, and his new FEMALE friends. I do not see him really looking at me, the responsible, non-partying W, and thinking, "Yeah, that is what I want!" I do not want any part of how he is living now, and if he were to even come back home now, it would only be under the condition that he not talk to any of these new bad influence friends. I do not see that happening.

Plus, I am feeling like I want more out of life than this too. I want to feel loved and appreciated by a signifigant other, and I just do not feel that, nor have I felt that in a LONG time. I want that again.

I know what I want now, and I do not want this WH anymore. Not at all. I want no part of him. I am tired of the games with him, I am tired of the 'I am sorry, but I do not want to work things out." (not that I have asked him that in almost 2 months). I am pretty much doing the 180, should I keep doing it? How long should you do that for before you decide to go to the 'next step?" Just curious.

So today WH calls me at work. Annoyed. He had been calling me ALL DAY and the phone was busy. I told him that I did not know how that was possible, but what was up? He said, "well, what time are you getting off of work?" I asked why. He said, "well, I am going to have to work late, so I was wondering if it would be ok if I did not get the kids tonight?" I told him that that was fine (I actually have not been spending enough time with the kids because of work, and we just got a cat, and my DD's are THRILLED, so I wanted to spend some time with them and the cat today anyway). SO he says, "you are not mad?" I told him no, it was fine. He said,"oh, are you sure you are not mad?" I told him that no, I would have more time with my girls, so that was fine. So he said, "well, maybe I could pick them up tomorrow after work, I will let you know." I said that it would be fine, just let me know. So then he said, "Are you SURE that you are not mad?" I told him no, I was not mad, but I was at work, and I had to go.

The funny thing is two months ago I would have been very mad, because I wanted time to myself, or that I felt he was not spending enough time with them... But since I decided to focus on my girls, and me, it is actually OK. I figure that there was either one of two reasons why he actually canceled plans with the girls. One, he made plans. Two, he thought that I had plans, and wanted to ruin them. The reason that I think this is because last week it was the same thing, he wanted to see the kids, and when I expressed that I would not be around, he could get them from the sitter, 'something came up'. He was supposed to get them from the sitter yesterday too.

I just thank God everyday that I am in a better place emotionally, and that I am continuing to grow as a person in spite of all of this. I am happy that I am not just turning into this bitter person... I was so afraid of that.

What is annoying me is that I have been having dreams the last few nights about WH, and the kids, and we are doing family things together (like we used to) or that me and WH are together, and happy. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me! When I am awake, I feel quite detached from him now. So now when I am sleeping, he is in my dreams. Oh well, at least he is not with OW in my dreams! LOL! That would be bad then.

One thing- with the 180, where can I get more information about it? It is helping me a lot, and I did not know if there was more detail to it in a book, or somewhere else. Thanks in advance!

***One thing- with the 180, where can I get more information about it? It is helping me a lot, and I did not know if there was more detail to it in a book, or somewhere else.***

divorcebusters dot com
mulan

One other thing, since I am not getting upset with him about his 'changes in plans' at the last minute, is that a BAD thing? With that does it just make me look like a smiling doormat? "sure, you do not need to get the kids today, maybe you can pick them up tomorrow". Should I say, "Sure that is fine that you cannot get the kids today, but, sorry, I have plans with them tomorrow." Even if I don't? Just so what he is doing affects him....that he is the one that is not going out of his way to see the kids, or act like a responsible parent?

Plus, I have been trying to be friendly with him right now, but I was just reading on tying65's thread that they said that when the WS tries to be your friend that it is to eliminate their guilt. I am not trying to be his friend, I am just being friendly when he is around. So far it has been fine for me, should I just continue along for a while longer?

I am going to look up that site Mulan. Thanks.

Sadmo

Well, the WH came and got the kids today. He was being...odd? He kind of lingered around, then he announced, "Well, my buddy is going to be staying with me for a few weeks, I just thought I should let you know." So I asked if it was his 'buddy' or someone else, because why would I need to know. He said, "well, I just thought that you should know." He talked about this and that. Then he brought up one of his 'playdate' friends. So I asked him, "so is she the one that you are seeing?" He said, "no, she thought that that was what I wanted, but I told her no. Now she is trying to use me like a babysitter all of the time, I am not liking that." I did not say anything. So then he says, "look, I am not looking for anything from anyone, I do not want to be in a serious relationship. I am happy now, I do not want to be all involved with anyone. I hear though, that you are interested in someone, and I just wanted to tell you that if you want to go for it, go for it. Don't worry about me."

So I was kind of incredulous. I am NOT interested in someone else. That is the farthest thing from my mind. So I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "some of our friends talk, they just do not just tell you things, they tell me things too. I know that you have been having some kind of e-mail relationship with a man, and that you talk on the phone all of the time". Which is not true. But it threw me. So I said, "No, I have something called morals, and I do not believe in adultery. You know that." He said, "well, just do not think about me at all. If it is me that is stopping you, don't let it." So I said, "It is my M that is stopping it. It is the fact that the kids have been through a lot that it is stopping it. It is the fact that I would want to start dating someone, when we have not even filed for a LS or a D yet. That is not fair to them." So he says, "Well, if I had more money, I would file. I just am so tight on cash now, that I cannot file." I just looked at him. I said, "so that is then what you want?" He said, "yes." So I I told him to do what he wanted to do, and do it already, if that is what he wanted.

Of course he then said, "we can just let it go like this a while longer, and see how things go. You know, take things one day at a time." So I looked at him. I said, "Take more time for what? Are you wanting things to change between us? Are you hoping things will change?" He said, "No, I do not want to be with you anymore. I am sorry." So I said, "Well, we really do not need to give it anymore time then, do we?" And he said, "No, I guess not. But you went to a lawyer, what came out of that? I thought that you were going to file." So I said, "You know, I was, but you know the reason that I did not. I wanted our M to work out, so we could be together and raise our kids together." He said, "I am happy now. I do not have the stress of R talk all of the time, I do not have to think about what kind of mood you are going to be in. It is good for me now. If I get into a R with someone, it is going to be a quiet, demure woman, who takes care of things, and does not argue, or challenge me at all. I am going to hold the reigns in the R, and not hand them over like I did with you."

So I look at him and say, "YOU handed me the reigns, and I took them. Now it is my fault. If at anytime you had wanted the reigns back, you could have taken them. If it was in the best interest of the family, you could have had them." He says, "I do not know that. All I know is that when I went and got the vasectomy, it was to make our love life better, and you were furious with me." The truth is that he announced he was getting one, agreed to wait until I was a certain age, then went and got one after work one day, WITHOUT MY CONSENT, or KNOWLEDGE. This was when we were not getting along, and he was sleeping on the couch. So I asked him how that was supposed to make our love life better, when we were not even having any kind of love life????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So comes up to me, and hugs me and as he is hugging me he says, "don't you miss being with someone? I just want to let you know that I understand if you are with someone, so are you with someone?" I pulled away and told him that no, I am not. So he said, "well if you are not, let me see your e-mail." I told him no, he does not have the right to see my e-mail. And he smugly smiled and says, "I thought so." So he turns around and says, "Come on kids, let's go!" I kissed the girls, and then he says, all brightly, "I will be back at 8:30!" Then he walked out. A minute later he comes back in and says, "Hey, if you want to have dinner tomorrow with the kids, I can bring over some stuffed shells, if you would want to make something to go with it." I said I did not know. He said, "Think about it!" and he left.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I am mad at myself for letting myself get sucked into the stupid conversation. And for being honest with him about how I am not seeing anyone. I kind of felt like he was getting a little nervous about it. I am annoyed with myself about asking him if he was seeing the one person. Then I am mad that I am being nice to him, and he is not really wanting to work things out, and he is just thinking of me as a friend, when he does not even deserve that from me.

Am I crazy? Am I just a crazy fool for putting up with this, and not just moving on with my life too? I sometimes feel like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

How many more times do I need to be pushed before I finally just give him what he wants (a D). So now it boils down to it is a money issue. That is why he is not filing. I just feel stupid sometimes for not just doing it myself. But it is not what I want, or what I believe in. Should I just continue along like I was, and wait to see if he signs a new lease (in June or July) and if he does, then go and file? I am frustrated. Note to self: I am not frustrated when I do not see or talk to him! Listen to that!