ok. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Sadmo--
I completely understand why you want to have at least some of your ENs met. Hoever, you are hurting yourself in the long haul. You MUST MUST demonstrate an independence that your WH doesn't think you have. Not only are you getting your ENs met, but you are filling HIS EN's, which is intimacy (comfort is intimate between spouses), his need to be seen as a good man to you & others (admiration), and you are also allowing him to fulfill a role HE HAS NOT EARNED. Remember this is NOT your husband, its a stranger who is willing to let his children grow up without their father in the home so he can pursue his 'new friend.' Don't believe for a second he is not in an affair situation with the new friend.

Please lean on your friends and allow them the priviledge to comfort you. Be honest with your friends that you need them more than ever, because your WH isn't the person you can turn to right now. I bet they understand. If you must-- GET ANGRY, because your WH has willfully placed you in a situation that you cannot seek comfort from him in good faith.

Your WH seeing his child in pain is EXCELLENT and has put a crack in his fantasy world. Do NOT shield him from these types of encounters. He needs to see this to understand the real havoc he is creating.

Thinking of you.

Mojo-
I see what you are saying. I understand what you are saying... I just SLIP UP when he is around. Lately a lot more than not. I know it is because of my Grandfather. I know this.

Am I really looking like I am not independent if I lean on him (a little) during this difficult time?

The thing is, the thing that really bothers me, is that he met his new friend (and my sisters friend) this Jan. He had been moved out since July. And that is what bothers me. Like he 'gave up' the M, and thought that 'hey, why not start hanging out with other W now?" And that is what gets me ANGRY. That he did not give us a chance. That he said that he did not want another R, he still says this. But he did not give us a chance.

I have almost become an ALIEN to myself, and my values. Sometimes I look back at myself, and I am so annoyed that I have been treating him so well. And for some reason, I CAN'T HELP IT. Most of the time, my anger is just gone towards him. I really have to work myself up to be angry at him. He has not been being rude, or mean lately. I lost a lot of my will to be angry. It is almost like I just accepted things how they are.

I would like the M to be saved. I would like things to work out between us. But, I know that if they don't, it will be ok too. And that bothers me. Because I am sure he is thinking the same thing. But I do not want to be one of those D'd couples that hang out with the kids, who bring their significant others around the kids and each other. I do not want that.

And what he has said since he left, all in all, is that he DOES NOT want to be married, he DOES NOT want to work things out, he enjoys his INDEPENDENCE. He likes being able to do what he wants when he wants. None of these statements, NONE, give me any indication that he is missing me. That he wants me back at all.

So I almost am feeling like, ok, my white flag is going up. The pressure is off. I will go and file for the D for you. I am not really seeing any signs that he wants to be with me. When we talk, we talk about work and the kids. We can't talk about his friends, that is his 'personal' life. It kind of puts a damper on conversation. It makes prolonged contact with him difficult because I am a talker, I like details. I like gossip. If I ask him anything, I am prying. So I don't really ask anymore. It limits what we can talk about.

You know what I mean? Like the connection is not there anymore. We have gone our separate ways. The only thing holding us together is the kids, and the fact that we have not filed for a D. He is not seeking me out for anything, and has not even made veiled references to wanting to spend more time with me.

I am starting to get tired of even thinking about the M, of him, what is going on with him. In a way I am not caring as much what he is doing. I am just happy that he is not being a jerk when he is around me lately. And that he is filling some of my emotional needs. Which is funny. He always thought that I was so hard to please! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

But the fact remains. I cannot offer him what he is relishing so much:freedom, secrecy, independence, party on the weekends lifestyle, etc. I am a married W, with kids, a job, and responsibilities. He is a married M, acting like a teenager, that places higher importance on being selfish. I am not that way. I just am questioning what is the point of NOT filing for a D. He seems to be pretty content now. He has what he wanted, that he did not have with me.

I don't know. Maybe I am just in a funk. I don't know. I am bummed out, I am tired.

Thanks for thinking of me. Sorry for the long winded ramble...

Today the "darling" WH showed me himself again.

My DD was telling me that they were going to go to Daddy's house for a 'party' tonight. I was like, "what the F? The wake for my Grandfather is tonight, and he said that he wanted to go to it!" I had told my family he was coming.

He called me this morning to 'regretfully' tell me that he cannot go to the funeral tomorrow, he can't get out of work. He feels so bad about it. (Yeah right!) So I said, "That is ok, I understand it is your choice to not go." He said, "No, work is really busy, you know how it can be." I said, "sure I do. I also know how things can be arranged if you choose to arrange them. That is fine. I guess it really does not matter anyway."

So then he continues on, "And as for the wake tonight, I do not know what time I will be there... who is watching the kids anyway? Didn't you say my Mom? She is going to watch them the WHOLE time?" So I am inwardly FUMING at this point. Just FUMING. So I say, "Yes, your mom is watching them the WHOLE time, just like she said that she would. You know that." So he says, "oh. Well, like I told you, I am going to be held up at work, I do not know what time I will be at the wake." So I say, "you know, if you do not want to go, that is fine." So he says, "no, I want to go, I just do not know what time I will be there. You see, the doctor gave me a thing to get a chest x-ray if I was not any better, and I think that I am going to get that done after work. I am not feeling too good today." (He has been sick, and the dr. told him that if he was not better in a certain # of days to get a chest x-ray- yesterday he was telling me how much better he felt!). So I say, as calmly as I can, "That is fine. If you do not want to go, then do not go. I am not asking you to go, you said that you wanted to go to the wake and the funeral. Now you have changed your mind. Just tell me what you are going to do, and then do it." So he says, "I will be at the wake, I will not be at the funeral. I will see you tonight." So I say, "do you even know where it is? I did not tell you." So he says, "oh, yeah, ha, ha, I guess I would need to know that."

So I got off the phone. Furious. Furious that I believed that he wanted to go, furious that I told my family he was going. Furious at my stupid self. I feel like calling him up and telling him that I do not even want him to be there. But then that would be petty, and he would know that he got to me.

I realize now that part of me wanted him to go so that I could avoid the, "where is WH?" questions. A lot of the family does not know that we are not together. Now I am dreading going. I do not want to have to 'tell' my family. Not there, not then.

I am so bummed today. It is raining, and gloomy out. And I just hate going to wakes, I get so upset when I see the person. Especially when it is someone you loved. '(

YOur love bank is rapidly depleting. You realize you are settling for crumbs and its getting to you.

I am going to contact Mimi and see what she has to say in this regard. I was blessed to hav a wh that instantly repented and worked his [censored] off to heal his family. Dealing with a cake-eating fence sitter hasn't been my experience, I just feel you really need to do a strict plan B.

Mimi may feel differantly, so I'm going to get her if I can to come advise you.

Oh, and the questions about where WH is? THIS IS CALLED EXPOSURE. You tell the truth about where he is-- "WH has left us and is building a life of his own, although we all would like it to be differant." Sorry, I feel like he is going to the wake for appearances sake.

Let me see if I can get Mimi.

Hi Sadmo, I don't think I've posted to you before, but when I read what you wrote above it brought back some memories for me. I remember thinking and feeling the same way when my FWH met OW#2. I thought when OW#1 (what I thought was just a MLC fling) was out of the picture then he would wake up, but he didn't. I was angry too... that he wasn't giving us a chance.

I'm not the one to advise you about where to go now, but just wanted you to know that your WH is following the script. Doesn't mean that's the way it'll be forever.

(((Sadmo)))

I second what princessmeggy has said. My WH had affair#1 two years ago, and then came home, followed by EA, the affair#2 now (after moving out, similar fashion to princessmeggy and you).

I would say that Plan B is in order. I will have to read this entire thread and get back to you, so it will take some time. He is definitely WAYWARD until fully proven otherwise.

You did a good job talking to him about this sitch, albeit, repeating yourself too much. He can't hear you. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this and the wake and funeral of a beloved family member. I believe in telling the truth Sadmo, so if anyone asked ME about he whereabouts of my WH, I would tell them the truth. Hey, that's just me, that's exposure, and it does stink, big time...

I'll see how much I can read tonight.

I have been in Plan B for several months now, with a similar situation (as far as I know right now).

wow.. I've spent most of the afternoon reading your thread sadmo. I feel as if I'm in a very similiar situation except that my wh says he wants to save our marriage, he just isn't ready to meet any of my needs yet. We need to go to enough counseling to heal before we jump into meeting any EN for each other. So basically, he keeps me dangling but won't committ to really being a husband in any way, leaving him free to continue his single lifestyle.

I can also relate to how hard it is to go through such a loss without the old H to be there for you. My father is fighting a losing battle against stage 4 cancer. It's so hard to see him every day dealing with the chemo and radiation, and then to come home and have to be so strong in not letting wh manipulate and continue to hurt me. It would just be so wonderful to be able to let down our guard and relax, knowing H is there to take care of things. But alas, H is no where to be found. All we have sadmo is wh, who really does not care about our pain.

I am going to start the 180's while I wait for a court order for CS. It seems to reach your wh somewhat when you are able to stick with it, don't you think?

I'll be right here with you, following your journey. Hang in there..

Thanks Mojo, Pm, SL, and FIL,

I needed some feedback. I have decided that I am going to go into the full blown 180's after the funeral tomorrow.

My WH showed up at the funeral home on time, and he stayed until an hour before the wake was over. He picked up the kids from his mom's and got them ready for bed. Which was great for me.

I have a hard time at wakes. I avoid them at all costs. It is not proper to avoid a dear loved ones though, so I had to go. I think that they are a weird practice, and I find them upsetting. So after an hour of 'socializing' with my dear grandpa laying there, I could not take it. I went into the basement room to sit by myself. I felt a panic attack coming on. I could not breathe. My WH came down looking for me, I was crying in the corner. He tried to put his arms around me, I told him not to. I told him that I could not believe my grandfather was not here anymore. I told him that I told the girls today, and my oldest was upset about me dying too. He reached out, and put his hand on mine and kept saying that he was so sorry. He started crying. Then my aunt came down, and proceeded to talk and talk. She finally left, and my WH said, "didn't she see that we were having a moment! Why did she stay down here for so long!"

Then my uncle came down, then another aunt... you get the picture. They all love me, and care about me. They knew I was upset, and they all knew about my WH, I think that they were just checking on me.

I felt better, and I went back up. WH did not go out to dinner with me and my siblings. He stayed. Shortly after we got back, my sisters old BF was there. We used to get along well, I have not seen him in ages. I went and hugged him, and we chatted. I have recently been invited to a party, and everyone is bringing a 'guest' so I said to him, kidding though, "so are you doing anything in 2 weeks? Would you want to go to a party with me?" He said, "Sure, give me a call.' Right then WH walked up. He wanted to know what was going on (after my sisters exbf walked away). I told him nothing, I was just kidding him. And I actually WAS...and I assumed that my sister's XBF knew.

So WH is looking at me then. Keeps making prolonged eye contact. I wandered off, and talked to other people. When WH left to get the kids, I guess he called my sisters ex and asked him what was going one. The ex told him that he did not know, he did not know if I was serious or not.

So I get to the house, and WH has the kids all ready for bed, and he gets up to leave. He tells me, again, that he is sorry that he could not make it to the funeral tomorrow, I blew it off, told him that it was no big deal. He then started to leave and turned and said, "so what is going on with the two of you?" I honestly did not even know what he was talking about. He then said, "You and him! Why are you asking him out?" I laughed and said, "Oh, I was kidding!" He said, "I do not think that he thinks that you are. He seemed a little confused as to what happened in there."

So I told him, "well, I thought it would be fun to invite him. He is a fun person." (which he IS) So my WH says, "You could not think of one other person?" I say, "sure, I just know that I would have a fun time with him". I then laughed. He said, "well he seemed a little confused about the whole thing." I said, "Oh come on dear H. Do you really think that he would tell you differently?" He pressed the issue more, and I said that I was just kidding...He left. He then called to tell me again that he was sorry that he could not go to the funeral, and I said that I understood how important his work was, it was fine, but I had to go.

All in all, it was not that bad. No one asked about WH, which is wonderful, considering the fact that my family normally is VERY VERY nosy. I kept my composure during the rest of the wake, so that was good.

The priest had a small prayer service, and he said some really touching things, like "tonight we will pray for your father, grandfather, friend. Tomorrow we will pray for all of you. You will all still be here, he is home, with his wife, with Jesus. You will all have to bear the burden of him not being with you on earth anymore. So we will pray for you that you may find peace, love and understanding in your hearts"
It was perfect words.

Thanks for all of the advice and support. I needed it! I am now going to go for the 180's, and see how that goes....

Sadmo

Sadmo, I still need to read up on your thread, ran out of that precious time that slips away so quickly.

From just what you posted about he wake, I would say that your family may know more than you think they know, about your current marital sitch. I dunno, maybe not, but all of them coming to you when they knew your WH was there with you, almost protecting you from him. I could be wrong, of course, but you'd be surprised what how quickly news travels.

About wakes, hmmmm, my mother was buried in the jewish tradition, so she was left in her room until the Rabbi and other faithful members arrived at our home to BOX her up (quite literally, pine box). My mother died from cancer, so she was quite jaundiced from liver shutting down. It was strange seeing her that way, motionless. I expected her chest to rise and fall, but it didn't. She had the same expression for three days while the family arrived. It's creepy. My WH's father and mother both had wakes, again, no raising and falling of the chest. They were also in their Sunday's best and painted up to APPEAR animated. CREEPY again. Needless to say, I don't like wakes either sadmo, not one bit.

SL-
I know that some of the family knows about the situation with us, but not the distant relatives. They do not know. I did get the question quiet a few times today, "Where is your DH?" I lied... I know, I know. I said he was at work. I could not face it. Not today.

I know what you are saying about you expected her chest to rise and fall... yesterday at the wake, I swear that I saw my grandfather's mouth move in this little way that he always would do if he dozed off. I was freaking myself out. It is SO HARD to let go sometimes.

The priest had a wonderful mass for my Grandfather, it was so appropriate, so reassuring, so comforting. We all went to his house afterwards, and I opened this drawer, and found a picture of my grandfather, and grandmother exactly as I remember them, before sickness, and frailness set in. They were beaming. Almost like, "it is ok, we are together again." I took that picture, and it made me feel peaceful about everything.

I am feeling better today. Good. And, THANK GOD.

So glad you are feeling better today sadmo. My thoughts were with you..

FIL-

Thanks! It helps to have a place to vent, when I am trying to appear as 'normal' as possible to the outside world.

I felt strong today, I felt at peace. All was good...and I am happy.

I am happy that as the days go by you ar finding some peace and happiness.

That being said...

Notice how fast your husband reacted to something that was out of the norm for you? This is not a man who doesn't care what you are doing, but his care is layered underneath that WH... your plan B will help you the most and hopefully wake him the heck up!

Thinking nothing but good thoughts for you!

Mojo-
I was actually not going to do the plan B, not yet anyway. I was going to try the 180 thing in earnest. I think I can do that...

I figure that for now I can just do what I want to do, just kind of 'count him out of the equation'. Which is actually working kind of well for me.

I went out with a few friends tonight, WH has the kids for the weekend. I am taking off tomorrow, he does not know, nor does he need to know, and I am getting a manicure and a pedicure with my cousin.

I am not going to call him at all this weekend, ( I actually have mixed feelings, I would normally call to tell the girls goodnight) and I am going to fill my days with things to do.

When he drops off the kids, I will be relaxed, rested, and happy.

Thanks for all of the good thoughts!
Sadmo

Good for you!

Thanks!

I feel like my old self now... almost completely. It is amazing. I am actually a lot like the person that my H fell in love with. I have decided that I am going to continue on this path, and I will be better for it, for any R, whether it be with my H, or with someone else.

It is so nice out, I am going to hang out with my cousin today, and we are soon off to get our manicures and pedicures! The house is clean, I am off work, LIFE IS GOOD!

Thurs. I took the girls out to eat. I did not feel like cooking, so we went to a hot dog place. I ran into an old friend who has his girlfriends daughter, the same age as my oldest, with him. I invited him to sit with us, so they did. The girls had a great time together, and we caught up. When we got to the car, all my DD could talk about were him and the little girl. And it hit me. SHE I GOING TO TELL WH ABOUT HIM AND THE GIRL!!! Just like she would tell me things too! And I LAUGHED! Let him get a taste of his 'similar' medicine. (my play date was not planned, his were).

On Fri. I went out, had a great time out with friends, a great time in general. I SLEPT IN Sat. (a miracle with kids, and work) and got the house clean. Met my cousin and we got our manicures, pedicures, went out to dinner, and drinks. GREAT TIME.

My sister's exbf called me. He wanted to know what day would be good to get together. I think it is funny. He knows that I want my M to survive, so I am not worried. But it will be fun to go out with him. So I told him I would call him later this week.

Then, the ultimate funny thing happened. My WH called me several times, on my cell phone, and I did not answer. Why should I? He was always too busy to answer me! So he calls me at work today. I pretended I was SUPER BUSY. "What's up? What do you need?" He said, "what time should I drop off the kids?" I say, "the same time you always do." He says, "you know, you did not even call to tell the girls goodnight all weekend." I said, "I know. I figured that since I was so busy and all that they were fine with you. They were in good hands." He said, "well, they missed you." I said, "well, they miss you too, but they are used to it. Look, I have to go." He says, "wait! I was going to take them to the park. What time are you getting home?" I say, "the same time I told you to drop them off. I have to go, see you!" CLICK.

So he comes to drop them off. He asks to use the bathroom. I told him that was fine. He uses MY bathroom. And he comes out. WHITE AS A GHOST. Here is the funny part. He says, "ARE YOU?" I say, "am I what?" He says, "Well, are you?" I say, "Am I WHAT?" He looks STRICKEN. He says, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" I say, now this is a classic, "Yes, I am, and I am not sure who the father is." STRAIGHT FACE AND ALL. He looks like he is going to pass out. So I say, "why are you asking?" He says, 'you left a pregnancy test on the floor." I am like, "What???" So I go in the bathroom, and there is a COUPON. A COUPON for a new face cleaning product that is shaped like the tool you use for it, on the floor. I burst out laughing, and I say, "well, I THOUGHT that I was pregnant, but I guess that this would not really be that accurate, now would it?" He did not know what to say. SO FUNNY!

He went to leave, and he was giving me moony eyes. He KISSED me on the mouth, I kissed him, and said, "well, I think you should be going." And he said, "oh, yeah. Well, I will call you." I said, "Oh, Ok, and I will be WAITING by the phone!" Followed by light hearted laughter.

He left, and all I can think is, "I feel on top of the world! I am in charge of ME again! YAYYYYYY!"

I am thrilled!

All I can say is WOW. You go girl! I'm so proud of you, not being sad anymore!

FIL-
THANKS! I am proud too! I am happy, and I am OK. And I think that I am going to be ok. How cool is that??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />