<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Priceless!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

*I'm sniggering over here*

Now in the next few days, make yourself hard to reach. It drives them nuts!

Hmmm. I am making myself laugh too much.

So today he calls me at work. I was, busy, did not get the phone, someone took a message (I did not know it was him). His message "Please call me". So I waited about an hour, then I called his work phone, let it ring two times, then I hung up. I laughed to myself. I DID call him.... He called back, I was busy, of course.

So tonight he calls my cell. Then he calls the house. Then he calls my cell. I call him back. You know what he says? "Can we talk?" I say sure. He says, "You know, you really hurt me yesterday when you said that my dog was not my dog anymore." Okkkkkkkk........... He STARTED to cry. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "I just miss my dog. Please, if I say that he is my dog, just go along with it." I said, "no, I am not going to. He is my dog. I take care of him. You are more than welcome to walk him if you want to." (me and the girls were going to walk the dogs yesterday, and he did not want to go.) He said, in a whisper, "Thanks. I just feel like I don't have my dog, or my kids, or my house, or anything that really matters in life anymore. You know?" I said, "Yes, but you chose this. Try to be happy with what you have." He says, "I miss my kids, I miss my dog so much." And he starts to SOB. I mean SOB.

So, in order to lighten the mood (devilish grin) I say, "Wow. It is too bad that you never missed me like that!" And he says, "I wish I did. I just wish I did."

So, even the free-spirited, easy going, old/new sadmo got annoyed. And I said, "Look. You knew what you were choosing, I am sorry that you are sad about it."

He is crying. Then he says, "ARE YOU DATING?"

I AVOID the question with a sigh. "Does it really matter if I am dating?" He says, "I told you. I just want to know. What have you been so busy with lately?"

I told him (devilish GRIN) "Look, at this point it does not matter. I mean come on. I really see now what was so appealing to you with the single life. I am having so much fun now. I am constantly doing things. It is great!"

He says, "I know that you are bringing the kids around other men. Our D told me! How could you! I told you when I was!"

I said, "Oh, it slipped my mind."

So he said, "are you dating? I mean, your sisters' ex BF called me to tell me you guys were going to go out, and he wanted me to know if it was going to be a big deal. Are you seeing a lot of people?"

Again, "It does not really matter, does it?" So he starts to say that he is afraid. Afraid to get close to me, afraid that I will be evil Sadmo again. I told him that I do not know what to tell him except that I have not been evil Sadmo in a long time. He then said, "just ignore me, I am emotional today." I said, "that is fine, we are all emotional some time or another. He then said again that he was scared. Scared to be vulnerable with me again. I told him that I was not asking him to be. It is his choice.

So then he continued on, "You never answered. Are you dating?"

So I, being ever so devilish (simply devilish!) say, "Well, let's just say that I am talking to someone. I am not sure where it will go." You can practically hear a gasp. He says, "What are you doing Wed.? Can I come over to spend time with you?" I say, "No, I am sorry. I have plans." He says, "Well, how about later Wed.?" I say, " No, I am sorry, I am going to be out late Wed." (which I am, with a work dinner!) He says, "what are you doing?" I say, "I have a dinner, ok? i am going out to dinner." He says, " I just feel like all of my most prized possessions are being ripped away!"

I say, "Seriously. Did you think I would pine for you forever? I am happy now. I have people that want to hang out with me, people that like to hang out with cool, fun, sadmo." He starts crying again and says, "I know. You know what is sad is that I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD HEAR YOU SAY THAT ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU ARE NOW LIKE THE GIRL I FELL IN LOVE WITH."

I said, "I HAVE been the girl you fell in love with. But I have to get the girls ready for bed, if you need to talk later or whatever, you can call."

He said, "ok." And that was that.

So should I now be distant towards him??????

Hmmmm.

Don't allow too much of this crying on your shoulder crap ... his pity party is just that ... "oh poor me"

really
seriously
cut this off after 2-3 minutes next time

really
seriously
do not allow this foolishness

it is not good for either of you to carry on this way

what he is doing is love-busting behavior and makes withdrawls from your love bank

you need to be less available for the pity party

The thing is, it really did not withdrawl ANYTHING from mine.

Dare I ask... What foolishness... on my end at least???

Sadmo

I can't wait till I'm tht strong.. I'd be ready to move back in together if my wh said stuff like that! I know.. not helpful and not smart but I'm so very down today. I am proud of how good you are doing. You're an inspiration!

HIS foolishness

do not listen to the man you want to RECOVER your marriage with blubber like a school girl

one of the missing elements in your M right now is respect

and listening to your WH carry on like this will lessen any remaining respect you have for him

who would find this sobbing big baby a desirable husband?????????

when he uses you like this ... as a pity party .... he is getting his UNhealthy need to act like a 5-year-old met

but, this is just my opinion <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I could be wrong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FIL- Thanks!
PEP- it actually did not lose respect for him, since I am not USED to seeing him be like this... he seemed... dare I say, unsure... of his future.... and it made me GLOW!!!!

What I found desirable is that fact that he was upset, and he TOLD me.... quite a new thing!

Pep, Could you actually be wrong????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I love your advice!!!

I used to say this. I was there for the pity party a LOT. She was there for mine. It was pitiful. It lasted a long time. There was a lot of back and forth. Even 6 months after the D... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It was a mistake.

Looking back, had I stuck to the way you seem to be handling this sitch vs. getting engaged in this, I'm confident the outcome would have been different (not sure how, but at least different).

In my sitch, what resulted was a WHOLE LOT MORE FENCE SITTING because I was actually meeting some of her EN's. In return, I got what all BS's get when the WS is fence sitting: NADA.

And, I thought nothing was happening to my Bank for her...but it was. It was the worst kind of withdrawl's: the slow, steady leak. Drip, drip, dripping.

I can't freakin stand her now. Just hearing her cackle makes me cringe. And, quite honestly, a friendly relationship was possible. Which, would be ideal for our kids. But, that just didn't happen.

So, a lot of words to basically say: I agree with Pep.

Not that my validation means anything. But, if I had to do it over, I would have said something like, "look, I don't have a lot of time, but if you do want to talk, here are my conditions (Plan B kinda stuff). If that's too much to ask, well, no worries."

And, instead of himming and hawing at her "What?! Why does it have to be all or nothing with you?" I would have said, "Well, it's a reasonable boundary and its non-negotiable."

But, i didn't do that...and the additional year of chaos was pointless and not at all recommended. Unless you WANT to hate him.

Well, Frankly, Frank, I do not WANT to hate him....

But the thing is, I suddenly feel like I am in control, and I am not so vulnerable.. I AM making new friends...so THAT in itself is a threat....

AND the fact that he NOTICED I was the girl he once fell in love wih.....

I don't know... I have my empathetic radar on now... should I not??????

I was just thinking about it.

The reason that I am not worried about it is because now I am strong, in control of myself, and HE ISN'T.

I am not going to whine about our R to him. In fact, I have pretty much accepted how it is now. And I know that I can deal. I am not going to call him to cry about anything like that, or my feelings about my future.

The roles seem to be switching now... he is now lost and confused, I am not lost, confused, or unhappy. AND.... it is upsetting him. But I am not acting upset, I was nice to him on the phone, did not demand any answers or anything from him. The way I see it, it is putting deposits in his LB for ME. Am I wrong???

All I know is that it is nice out, and me and the girls are going to go outside to play before I go to work. All is well in my world today!

Enjoy your freedom from the drama. That is a very cool place. Who knows where deposits or withdraws are being made in your sitch. I guess the only point was, imagine if you were in your presently very cool place for 6 months, and he in his (whining, apathetic, afraid to come off the fence, confused, foggy).

It gets old pretty darn fast once we, the BS, become in control of ourselves again. And then the tables really turn.

I think that's all that was being portrayed.

Regardless, Sadmo, you are in a great place. Congrats and Enjoy!

Frankly-
I guess that it would get old if it went on for 6 months.... hopefully it was just a fluke, him trying to see if I would topple and become an emotional wreck WITH him.

Not going to happen! I am the self-assured woman I once was- deep under the surface of the angry, outraged, Sadmo.

Thanks, I WILL enjoy!

I think you are right about him seeing if you would topple with him. My WH does that to me often. Sometimes he gets the best of me, like today actually, and sometimes I ignore it.

You are doing so well!!!!!

Please listen to Pepperband!
BACK OFF. (heehee, I suddenly feel like Mimi with all the caps)

Ok, you've planted this huge seed of doubt and now you also KNOW what he's been using you for the past couple weeks- as a touchstone so he doesn;t feel like he is really throwing away something.
The next few days become incresingly hard to get rid of. Keep all phone calls extremely short and just about the kids if you can do it. The second he gets weepy with you end the phone call, with a "I'll go so you can get a hold of yourself. Have a good day."

What other things about yourself have you wanted to change? Start working on those. Mine was being a better housekeeper and it made such a change in my life just to feel good about my clean house.

I think you are doing a fantastic 180 a' la CarolHK. It worked beautifully for her and she is now very happily married and recovered.

What I see is that you are in control. He is heading in a better direction, but you need to keep heading away, so he might have a chance to come completely out of the fog and you can achieve genuine R. Give in too soon, and he will be lost to you forever.

When Carol's husband started showing interest like yours is, she suggested he started dating, was generally unavailable to him, did not jump at the chance to get back together with him, etc. It worked like a charm!!!

I say keep it up, it is working.

I do not have the link to CarolHK's thread, but it was classic 180 and I thought of her immediately when I read this.

Good luck and keep it up!!!

Mojo-
The other thing that I wanted to improve with myself? I wanted to get more social time in, and become a better person generally. It seems to be happening. So that also makes me happy.

PopRock1-
So how soon (giving in) would be TOO SOON? And how do you know the difference?

I would NOT want to suggest dating. I do not want him doing it, and I am not going to do it...

So he called me at work today, and he suggested that we spend tomorrow together, with the kids, all day after he gets off of work. I reminded him that I have my dinner. He then said, "How about Thurs?" I told him that was ok as far as I knew. He said, "Well, do you want to spend the evening with the kids, or without?" I told him that I figured we could with the kids.

This seemed to disappoint him. He said, "well, we can talk about it tomorrow." I said ok.

Now the thing is, I will admit, I tend to get a little paranoid that I am going to miss the "golden opportunity" and then I go out of my way to accommodate him (this is in the past). I know that his interest is peaked right now, and I want to keep it that way, but I also do not want to discourage him either too much? So how much evasiveness is good, and how much is bad?

Just a thought. My day went well, and I am still in high spirits! Yay!

So the WH called today. He wanted to know what I wanted to do on Thurs., if I still wanted to do anything.
I told him, "It can go either way. I am game though."

So he said that he secured a babysitter for Thurs. so that we could go out to this one really nice restaurant that we used to go to for our anniversary, or birthdays.

So there are two miracles here. One- he got a babysitter (unheard of before unless I held a gun to his head) and two- that HE actually wants to do something with JUST ME.

Hmmm. I did not have to hold a gun to him, I did not act desperate. Maybe I am ovulating, and emitting pheromones? LOL!

All I know is that he asked to watch the kids tonight, I told him the sitter will show up at 8 to watch them until I get home. He will pick them up after work, right before I leave for my dinner. I am going to be dressed up, in a new, VERY flattering dress, and I am going to look HOT. I will play, "rushed and hurried" when he is here...

I think that I am still doing good! WOO HOO!

WOO HOO

yes you are !

*jumping up and down*
Great plan! O, to be a fly on the wall!