Sadmo, CALM DOWN. You are not alone, your WH is scripting it like every other. YOu need to wake up and realize that you have the power to cause immense damage to your situation by jumping the gun. Get the LSA, think on what you need to get and protect to survive the waiting period BEFORE a D takes place. If you file, you will still have to live with all of this crap until the D date, unless you protect yourself now.

How many of your friends have been through this particular sitch? I'm willing to bet none. Stop listening to them and stop listening to your WH. Don't let pride take you over. Calm DOWN.

You assume way too much about what your WH is thinking, inside his foggy a$$ brain. You need to get this point. Start doing for YOU and your children, stop living according to what your WH is doing. Take care of business.

You are living through emotion. MB is counterintuitive to a point, but it works. How long have you been doing Plan A? After about three months of a solid Plan A, the general advise is to prepare to launch Plan B. Getting finances separated, getting CS, and custody issues solved. Your WH is in fogland and will not make the effort to do anything for anybody but himself, so it is up to you to start this thing.

Try to remember that divorce is not an overnight fix, you will still have to live in limbo, but if you implement Plan B, during or after getting the LSA, then you will find MORE peace. Don't live by emotion. Be savvy right now. It is a slap in the face, it is hurtful, it is [email]CR@P[/email] to have to deal with the wayward doofus, but you MUST do it, you don't have a choice, so snap out of it. You need to get a hold of yourself.

Are you on AD's, do you have access to counseling? Please consider slowing your roll. You will regret hasty decisions, you WILL NOT regret taking some time to think and getting your finances as secure as you can.

Please don't take advise from the 'kick him to the curb' bunch. THey have no idea what they are talking about. Consider that people here may know more.

medc
Is there something that I don't know about Sadmo's sitch that she shouldn't follow MB? I guess I'm confused that she is jumping from Plan A to 180's to D, without calming down and getting her head right.

Has she said that she doesn't want to save her M?

I'm truly confused by this. She sounds frantic.

Sadmo, i will stop posting if you don't want to go the MB route. I do not want to push you to do something that you don't want. I certainly hope for a clear mind and heart for you. I wish you nothing but health and happiness.

well, SL... since you asked, IMO, the kick him to the curb crowd has it right in this case. Sometimes the most healthy and appropriate thing IS to dump a WS.

Her own words are quoted here that she has given this a lot of thought and does not want to continue in the marriage. The thing that is bogging her down right now is the finances of the situation. So, yes, she has said that in order for her to have the life she wants...her H has to go. Very healthy and well thought out decision. Now, she can always decide to take him back at a later date if she so chooses.... but sitting and waiting on this man that hasn't proved he is worth spit would be a mistake in my eyes. I see the frantic issue now being related to the finances and nothing more.

MEDC

Very rude SL.... sometimes this is what is called for. I heard the same argument early on in Eav's thread....and guess what...the kick him to the curb crowd was right. I base my advice on the words of the BS and the actions of the WS....

SL-
It is not that I do not want my M to work out, it is just that I do not think that there is any hope.

I am not assuming a lot of what my WH thinks. He has not told me, since he left, that he wants to work things out. The most that I got was, " I like how things are going between us, let us keep things like this... who knows?" Both times, it was followed by an admission of - he is now dating, and now this time, that he is coming down off of a new broken R.

The first time, he dropped me like a hot potato. Cold to me. I was not really giving him any reason to be cold, and he then became nice again.

This time, he was still being nice, but he was all weepy, and this is how the A came to light.

Which now has me where I am.

My friend actually does know what he is saying. His W left him after an EA a few years ago, and he did the MB route, and she came back home. But she told him that she wanted to make the M work, etc.

I am not feeling depressed. I am feeling anxious. And I am on anti-anxiety meds.

My WH said to me that he wants to bring the kids around people he is dating. So that he can 'share his happiness' with them.

He told me that if I get a LSA and it says that he cannot bring the kids around who he is dating, then he will file the D.

That is a risk the Lawyer told me about. I told him that it would be written into the D too that he could not bring the kids around people he was dating. He said fine, then file for the D, it would be over quicker.

I AM reacting in an emotional place when it comes to my kids. I do not want them exposed to this. It goes against everything that I believe, and my moral code.

As far as me, I would want my M to survive, but I do not want it to be a, "well, I came back because OW did not want me."

I am just kind of confused right now. I am not feeling frantic. I just want to do something. Something that will free me from all of this. Without me getting hurt financially too much, or the kids being exposed to his adulterous R.

How should I be with him today, when he gets the kids for the weekend? Right now, I have acted calm, cool, and matter of fact with him. I have the wheels in my head turning. I just do not know what direction to take.

Medc-
I am actually leaning that way... as much as I wanted my M to survive, it seems kind of silly at this time.

My WH is not saying that. He has not been saying that.

SADMO:

You can "kick him to the Curb"

Sounds like your H is a non-responsibility type and doesn't want to accept that he now has a W and 2 kids.

It is one heck of a burden.

Destroyed my father.

He is staying AWAY. That is his choice.

You can put in place the paper to make him stay away.

And Silent has been really fighting the good fight for your M.

Would a proper Plan A, work wonders on your H?

Could. He could lap it up. AND cake eat futher. I don't know.

But you are frantic. You are all over the place. I think the financial info that the Lawyers have given you have created alot more focus for you.

Use that. But get CALM.

And after it is all said and done, you might just have a H who wants no responsibility in life.

That is someone TO kick to the curb.

Think about it in those terms.

LG

Thanks MEDC,

I didn't mean to be rude, certainly, I was just concerned that she may have been getting advise not backed by knowledge.

Now, that being said, I still hear Sadmo alluding to the fact that SHE would like to save her marriage, so I am saying, just follow the plans. If, then, he is still pulling this crap, you have a more clear perspective on it.

Sadmo, I'll say it again, I do support you and your choices. I just see you saying one thing then saying YOU would like to save the M. I guess I just didn't understand that you don't want to do the MB plans.

I am sorry is I offended anyone with my comment about kicking to the curb crowd, but I was and am facing that crowd regularly, but they are not me, they do not know what I am doing, attempting to accomplish. I choose to be level headed and cool before making such important decisions. I just want you, Sadmo, to have the same luxury. Unless you are dealing with sexual/physical abuse or verbal abuse not typical of a wayward. I would never advise you to stay in an abusive M.

In this situation, I can see that my advice is not helpful. Stay strong, Sadmo. You deserve happiness.

Has there been proper exposure to OW's family and friends? That might keep her from getting back with your WH.

SL... I would keep posting to this thread... it is good to get different perspectives. I think you and your posts have a lot of value here and on MB in general.

MEDC

MEDC, I appreciate that, I know that Sadmo needs all of the advice and care that she can get.

MY POV is that she should get the law behind her. Get that LSA, and then get dark. Waywards are NUTS, and don't give a good [email]d@mn[/email] about anybody, including (unfortunately)their children. Sadmo seems frantic. Reading this thread, almost every poster has said that Plan B would be the way to go at this point, and her response was regularly that she was afraid to ruin a chance to reconcile with her WH and be available for him.

Now, if there is an underlying problem, as was in eav's case, we cannot know this without Sadmo posting it, so I'm advising what worked for me. Now, I must add that I was and AM ready for D, if reconciliation/recovery does not work for me, but I've had lots of time for personal recovery. I see no need to rush into D. Why? Especially if you are using it as a tool to try and bring a WS home. It, generally, doesn't work. Now, Plan B does work; not always, but it does.

Even if saving the M is not your goal, Plan B is a good tool to recover self WHILE waiting for the courts to push your D case through the system.

So, all that being said, if you are willing to end your marriage, why not do the Plan B, alongside of that? I don't get the resistance. When you get divorced, you and your spouse no longer spend time together, you don't consider each others' feelings. You are just co-parents (if you have children). Why not get some practice in with a good Plan B?

Plan B will also open Sadmo's eyes to what D will be like, and help her find ways to cope on her own, because during and after D, the WS is not going to help you cope. An added benefit is that you no longer are dealing with the wayward [email]cr@p[/email], you don't have to be FURTHER pained by them, and the WS is left to go it alone.

Sound advice to be sure. We just come at this from two different perspectives. I believe with all of my heart that people are only due so much consideration and nothing more. Sadmo has clearly stated that they have different agendas and that 3 years of her life have slipped by in unhappiness. There are other posters here that have gone 3/4 of a year without SF from their spouse... I just think there are limits to what people should take. I would NEVER consider recovering under SOME of the situations that I see here. Frankly, there are too many other people out there willing to care and love someone in an unslefish manner that taking continued abuse or fence sitting is not good for anyone. I saw that in Eavs situation....even absent the additional information... and I see it in others here too....and guess what, much more often than not, divorce is the outcome anyway. Sadd but true in these cases. I say that if she made a thoughtful decision to end things then let them end a peaceful death.... and if he wants to earn his way back in at a later time, that would be Sadmo's option...and she would be doing it from a place of strength. But if she continues on this path.... and by the way... I think your suggestion about going dark while letting the legal process work out is great...she is likely to look back and wonder where the years went. I have a distinct feeling that if she divorces this guy and gets out there dating eventually that she would NEVER take back a person like him. I see it in the people I date now....they are so grateful for having a door held, a hand to hold, a warm smile and a life absent of lies and abuse. Not every marriage is worth saving IMO.
Either way Sadmo decides to go here she will have the support of the board.... there is nothing wrong withg either course of action...I just BELIEVE that her situation will not have a good outcome if she stays.

MEDC

I can say, in my sitch, that I definitely had my fill and was not willing to go ahead with reconcilitation unless MY comfort level was reached. I had enough crap to last a lifetime. Completely separating myself from WH gave me time and quiet to really delve into me, and get me back.

Three years is a mighty long time. I agree, so now, get away from this man. Save yourself, fix yourself, ready yourself. It sounds maybe a little greedy, but get whatever you can, financially, from this situation, because single parenting is expensive without the law backing you up on CS and/or alimony.

I also agree that you may end up D in the end, no matter what YOU do, but I would just like to see you take the opportunity to help yourself detach from this fool. You have your own addiction, be it codependency or fear of the unknown. Break free. You deserve to be free of this, and be happy. If that means D, then so be it. Considering Plan B as part of your D process could save you further heartache, and trauma.

SL, MEDC, LG,

You know, what really stops me from doing the plan B is that I have read here, from so many people, the WAIT. A lot of them do not do it in the attempt to better themselves. A lot of them are using it as a last big gun, to try to get the WS to miss them. This is just my opinion.

Again, sure, if he came crawling to me begging for a chance, I would. For the sake of my family.

Am I frantic that I do not have him? No.

During my plan A time, and my 180 time, I have made new friends, have been going out, have been having fun. And looking forward to having fun. Would I have liked to have fun with my WH? Sure. He has not wanted to have fun with me, or even try to have fun with me. I was a mom.

I actually agree with LG on his point. I think that my WH just does not want the day to day responsibility of being a parent and a H. Being just a H was fine, but when the kids came along, POOF! It all changed. Everything. That is when he started to go out.

The thing is, is that I am NOT going to get anything financially, except for CS. I am standing to lose THOUSANDS of my hard earned money. Half of my pension, which I am fully vested in, and half of my profit sharing, which I am fully vested in. He has not much in his pension/savings plan, not until next year.

I would have to say I am a little codependent on him. I will admit that. I will also say that I have detached a lot from him. Not fully yet, but a lot.

I am just confused if I should do the LSA agreement, or just jump to the D, and be done with it.

The thing is, is that I am moving forward, I am happier (until I talked to the lawyer :-)) than I have been in LONG, LONG time. I kind of feel like, enough is enough. He has had ample opportunity to try. I have given him that.

And another thing. If I were to just get a LSA and since he is withdrawing for EOW, what are the odds that he would go running to her? I would say PRETTY DARN HIGH. And since this R JUST started, not the reason for our separation, I would then have to sit back, and wait for their R to die a natural death, and for him to think about having me back, and and and.

It is just too much. During that time, I could be moving forward, eventually start dating (if and when I was ready to) and not worry about it. I fear that plan b keeps a lot of people in limbo for a long time.

I don't know. I just wish that I knew what to do that would be financially best for me in the long term. The thought of 'hanging on' for almost another year (in plan b, with a LSA) is almost like a ball and chain on my spirit. I am a person with morals, and integrity. I would not want to be tempted to date, or start a R with another person while still being M. Not that it has come to that. I just see it as part of my healing and moving on process. I have had a need for a R, and love, and all of that. I have actually had that need for a couple of years now. I was not getting it from my WH. I do want it STILL, that need has not gone away.

I am not frantic, I just wish that I had a crystal ball, that would help tell me what to do. I could use one... I am sure that we all could ! :-)

Thanks for all of the advice, it is good to get differing opinions, different ways to think of things. It helps.
Thanks again.

Also, no, there was no abuse. Nothing like that. I did not have to deal with that, Thank GOD.

Just with an emotionally unavailable H. Again, like I have said before, I said all of the same things in the article, "why women leave men" in fact, I had to check to make sure that I HAD NOT written it...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LG, I really do not think that I am all over the place (I just re-read what you wrote). I think that I hit my threshold of what I think that I should give in order for my M to be saved.

And by all means, I will be plan Bing him when I get the D. I have been taking care of the kids and everything for a long time now. I am able to do it, without him, and I have been doing it, without him. And I AM able to do it. I am prepared for that. It is ok.

Thanks again, all of you have great ideas and advice. I am going to take a week mulling over everything, talking to people, here, and hopefully come up with a wonderful plan. I am hoping to adequately process all of this. I want to have a PLAN by the end of 2 weeks.

Please feel free to tell me anything that can be helpful, in any regard.

IMHO, if you are legally separated and heading for divorce, you are free to date. I know others feel differently... but that is my view. I personally have dated women that have been only waiting for the signature from a judge...never anyone that was fence sitting on going back. You have to use your own beliefs for this.
Anyway... you sound like a very thoughtful and together woman absent this stuff... I am certain you will come through it all okay in the end.

MEDC

MEDC-
Thanks. I am sure that I will be fine.

JMWC- As far as exposure, I told his friends, his family. ALL of them thought that he was being a selfish person.

BUT... as far as EOW, her MOM watches the kids so that they can hang out. They HANG OUT with her. So I really do not NEED to expose. He is telling people that we are getting a D, and so I am sure that they thought, "oh, he is GETTING a D..." Did not think to ask if he has FILED for the D yet....
They hang out with a lot of people that I once knew. One person I used to be close to (my sisters ex best friend). They all have accepted the fact that he is dating her. They are all of the 'new code of conduct'- which I find scary- that M's do not matter, you can just jump in and out of them, and 'who cares if one of you got cheated on, it happens all the time!". People that have no moral code with a lot of things. Too many people seem to be that way now. And it is scary. But... they ARE fun people... snort.

Sadmo:

I can understand the feeling in your H that occurred when the children were born.

He felt trapped, and not helpful around the house, "Can't you do anything right!"
You are into the MOM thing, and not much time, or NO time, for Sexy Woman time.

Your H could have Coped. Dealt with it. I drifted to an A, and your H moved out. Then to an A.

Bad choices.

Maybe I was being harsh with the "Frantic" remark.

Go into Plan B, and file for D if you must. LSA gets you to a fixed date where all assets are valued as well. So, if your Pension increases in value because you made good choices, then that value stays out of the marital assets. LSA Signed June 15? values of marital assets at June 15.

Unfortunatly it blocks out the WH vesting in his pension.

And you could also trade your car in. With new debt. Plenty of ways to manipulate the numbers.

And WH? He will go away. You can plan your future.

How much interaction does he have with the kids now?

His actions speak louder here, than any words.

LG

LG,
I thought the lawyer said to file for the LSA, that that would be better, then he would become vested, and I would then be able to get half. That is why he encouraged me to go that route.

He takes the kids every second weekend. He sees them on Wed. from 4-8, and on opposite weekends he watches them while I work.

He had been coming around a lot more to spend time with me and the kids. That is not going to be happening anymore.

And as far as the 'sexy woman' thing... he did not want it, nor did he want time with me. He went to bed early, went to work, came home, went to bed, went to work, weekend would come, would go out with his buddies, I would ask him to spend time with me, and he 'did not need it, he knew how he felt about me, he loved me, why are you rocking the boat?" I would say that I was not happily M, and I wanted to be, with him. You get the picture. He could have chose to do things with me, make me happy with him again, and he chose not to. Crazy.

Oh well.

Sadmo

Is there anyway you lawyer can draft a statement that he will pay all the bills that he, accumulated during his time of leaving the marital home, also if your H is willing to leave your pension alone if you do the same with his?

You're doing good sadmo. Not much too add but wanted to let you know I'm still in your corner, whatever you decide. Only you know.