How long does a divorce take to become final in your state?

Mojo-
in as little as 62 days.

The lawyer said that he could draft a statement, but my WH would have to be willing to sign it. My WH is in the pits of financial woes right now, and has stated on NUMEROUS occasions that he wants this and that (money, money, and more money).

So WH comes to the house to pick up the kids. He said, "I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I hurt you so much. It was a selfish thing of me to do, and I am deeply sorry that I have been this way. (his eyes well up with tears) Please forgive me for making you cry."

I said, "Oh, I cried? When has that been lately?" He said, "well, I am glad that you have not been crying over me. I am a selfish jerk. You deserve someone else to make you happy, someone who can. I never felt that I could make you happy. You always had a zillion complaints, blah, blah, blah."

And I said, "you know, I may have complained. But did you listen to what I said ever? No. You blew me off. If you had just acknowledged that I said something, I would have been thrilled." He said, "Well, I am sorry. I just wanted to tell you that. But we are not ever going to get back together, you need to understand that. I am no longer going to do anything to give you the wrong idea, I am so sorry that I mislead you, it was selfish of me. I just wanted the comfort of our relationship. I did not think of you, just myself. You are so happy now that I left. It is good to see. There are a million guys out there that would be lucky to have you. I also wanted to thank you for not being mean to me, when you should have, and for being an adult about all of this. I am sorry."

He took the kids and they left.

And now, here I sit. Scheming. One of the other things that he said was that he wants me to call him to chit chat once in a while, he said again that he wants to be friends...blah, blah, blah.

SO I am thinking. If I were to be nice to him, have the lawyer draw up the papers, have him sign them, and then, POOF! I disappear, MAYBE that would be the way to go... The lawyer said it would take 2 or 3 days to get the papers all drawn up. He is feeling guilty now SUPER guilty. I can tell. He ACTUALLY, in his vulnerable state, just MAY want to show me he is not a complete [email]A@@.[/email] Hmmmm. This seems like it may work.

last night I went out with my sisters exbf, and several other people. I had a lot of fun, we all danced, drank beer, talked. It was nice.

On the way back to my house, lets call him "E" said to me, "You know Sadmo, I thought that it was weird when your H called me today to tell me that I should be 'careful' driving with you. He said that he wanted to make sure that you were safe." I said, "How nice is that?" Then E goes on, "Then your H told me not to worry if you were hitting on other guys or getting picked up that I should just let you have fun, and I should not stop you on his account, that I should let you do what you want to do, since your R is over."

It annoyed me. He wants me SO BADLY to start something with someone, ANYONE, that he is practically lining up gigolos for me so that he can say, "A-HA! I knew that you would find someone else, and it would be so much easier to walk away!"

I also got some disturbing info. from E. It seems that my WH started his flirting with other women last year. He said that my WH talked about how he did not think that he would live a long life, and he wanted to have a lot of fun, marriage is too serious, he wants to be free, without the restraints of having to think of someone else.

How I wish I had that info. a year ago. It is too bad.

So I think that I will be easy going Sadmo with my WH, and
get the papers drawn up in the next week or week after. I think that it is my best bet to get him to be 'fair' to me.

Want to know what I think Sadmo, that your stbx is going to be one of thoses who will have big regrets, in the future, when you do move on and find someone who is mature, honest, hardworking and has goals in life instead of looking for the next high, (new gf, having fun etc, etc.)
I mean how long does he think he can wander the lndscape without responsibilites, not very attractive to others but other aimless wanders.
Life has to have some meaning don't you think.

By the way who is he trying to convince? (himself) I do believe, I do have to say that if he is so gang ho on you moving on with your social life, he would not care one way or another, it's like the greedy little child, who keeps mentioning or looking atthe last piece of cake on the plate.
You know how kids get.

Just popping in to say that I think you are doign a wonderful job and are getting great advice...

keep up the great work...and take your time...I know you won't LET HIM RUSH YOU!

Swan-
How funny! That is probably true... if he says it enough, and tells enough people that he does not care, then he does not care. Or... that he will subliminally 'convince' me that it is OK to date, so he can be armed with that. Whichever, it does not matter.

Strivn-Thanks, I have gotten a ton of great advice. I am very fortunate that I got this site from my friend. It has calmed me down, made me think. It is great. And I will not let him rush me... he is in no hurry to finalize anything... yet. I think that he is almost as afraid of the unknown as I am. But, at least I am taking slow steps forward, trying not to look back, and trying to improve myself. I have made many decisions that in the future I can look back, and be proud of myself. So that is all that matters. I HAVE BEEN TRUE TO MYSELF, and my morals, and I have not let myself down yet.

AHHHHHHHHHH! Sometimes you just do not need PMS (well, who needs it anyway! LOL!)

I went to work today, and my employees, knowing that I have been going through a tough time, had a HUGE bouquet of flowers delivered to me. And a jewelery box with an inspirational message. The card on the flowers said, "Sadmo, Happy Mothers Day, we love you!" Then they gave me a huge card that everyone wrote a nice message in. I will truly value that forever. I got all teared up, and almost started crying (in a good way!) and I am NEVER that way. It was so nice, and unexpected and WONDERFUL. Thank God for them! One of my co-workers said that they wanted to do that because with WH's track record he probably would not do anything for me. Hmmmmmm. What do you think???

So he drops off the kids, my older D rings the doorbell, and excitedly hands me a card. A card that like an ADULT would give their mother. It even says, "MOTHER" on it, and they only know me as "mom" or "Mommy". WH strolls in. He has nothing for me from the girls. (I am NOT a greedy person, I just think that he should have showed the girls that this was a special day for me... Plus, not 2 weeks ago he was telling me how he was going to get me something really nice for mother's day since I am such a good mom, and I deserve it)
The kids go out in the back. I say to him, "So are you hiding my gift?" With an open, excited look on my face. (intentional). He sheepishly smiles and says that he did not have time all weekend to get a gift, and he does not have money, and he this and that. I said, "I cannot believe that you would not want to have your girls do anything for me for mothers day. I think that that is a shame." So he sees my flowers and asks who got them for me. I told him, "someone who cares about me." He comes up and tries to HUG me. While telling me it is JUST Mothers' Day... I turned and said, "Please, do not touch me, if I want a hug, I will get it from my kids". He then tells me, "Oh, don't be ridiculous, I am sorry blah, blah, blah." So he tries to hug me again, I walk away. He then says, "well, last time we talked, you were so mad at me, I did not even think about it after that." So I said, "when was I mad? I am not remembering it..." He says, 'the other day." I said, "no, here you are trying to reason with me about why you chose to not buy me a gift. That is fine. I am not buying it, you are not going to convince me that you did not 'realize' it. Whatever. Didn't you say that you were going?"

He said, "well, yeah, I guess so." And he tries to hug me. I say, "I said NO. I do not want you to hug me, OK? GOODBYE WH." He goes to the door, I follow, he turns and says, "Oh there was something I needed to ask you." I ask what. He says he does not remember. I says, "goodbye WH, and I shut the door (gently!) on him, and lock the dead bolt.

What a piece of sh*t. After all that he has done, he could not even have the kids pick me out a dollar store item for me.

And why did I ever love him??? I am asking myself that so much lately...

You are asking yourself that because your lovebank is depleting rapidly.
You did not love WH. You loved your husband. You are dealing with WH, not the husband you married.
Keep working those 180s and finalize your plans. Focus on what you need to get done and stick to it. Don't get bogged down by the 'whys'-- it will only serve to further frustrate you.
Don't be surprised when a selfish WH acts selfishly.

Mojo-

I know. WH's are selfish. But STILL. This was Mothers Day, not "celebrate your love for your wife day". You know what I mean??

I am going to talk to the lawyer next Wed. So far I have decided that I am going to have it written that he would keep his retirement, I would keep mine. He would keep his debts, and his car, and I would keep mine. I will keep the house. I am thinking of offering him a chunk of money (about what it would take to pay off his debts) in order for him to not get half the equity. I am going to try. He says that he does not have money for a lawyer, so if he sees it as fair, maybe he will go along with it.

I am not planning on having any contact with him, unless he is picking up the kids. I am still not going to call him, I have nothing to say to him. I am battling the urge to be mean to him. Not overtly, but like cutting off his dental benefits, since I know that he has a dental appointment, and he needs the insurance I provide (he needs 2 root canals- not cheap).

I am just feeling negative too. My whole family yesterday just talked and talked about how I need to D him already... and it got to me, I will admit.

Today is a new day, new thoughts, shake off the bad ones, and let it begin!

So dear old WH leaves a pathetic message on my cell phone, "I am SO sorry about yesterday, I should have gotten you something. I feel so bad, SOB!, please call me!" I did not call.

He called 4 more times. I answered when it was time for the kids to go to bed. He said, "Look, I am so sorry about yesterday." I said, "Yes, I know. You left me a message." So he goes on, "I did not get you anything because I did NOT want you to think that I was courting you."

WHAT????

So I said, "No, I would think that you were showing appreciation for me being a mother to your kids. NOT courting me."

He said, "I do not want you to be mad at me."

I said, "Really? Well, prove it." He says, "What?" I said, "prove to me that you do not want me to be mad. I am sorry, I am upset that you did not have the girls do anything for me. You don't want me to be upset? Then prove it."

He says, "I don't know how." I said, "well, then let me pull up the doormat that you think that you are walking on. I am VERY upset that you did not show me appreciation for being a mother full time 12 days out of 14. I am very upset that you are using every excuse that you can think of. I am going to be upset. If you do not want me to be upset, then prove it to me. I am not going to hear you say that you just do not want me upset. Come on. Put at least SOMETHING into it!"

He then got annoyed.

So I said, "No, I am sorry that your little apology is not good enough for me anymore. Sorry. I do not believe you. I am sorry that you take me for granted, and think that I should just accept your apology. No. I deserve more than that."

He said, "I want to make it up to you, I just do not know how." I said, "Well, I do not know what to tell you. Here, talk to the kids, tell them goodnight." And that was that.

How arrogant! And, what a doormat I was! I want to never accept that treatment again. What was I thinking!!

Getting your mind and heart in sync sure does open one's eyes, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Sadmo... your anger towards that pos is well justified...but KNOW that his recognizing anything does not change your worth as a mom or person. You deserve better... and you will have better.
To give you an idea of what the other side of this equation looks like...divorced and dating a nice man you most likely would have had him helping your kids shop for you, make breakfast in bed for you, plant a special little garden...etc... to show how much you are appreciated. IMHO, it is time to send this joker packing... get the best financial deal you can and never look back.

And belatedly... Happy Mother's Day.

MEDC

Orchid-
Yes it does!

MEDC-
Thanks!

As I said, right now he is in the 'feeling bad' mode. So I really think that he MAY not be total money hungry grubbing jerk. I am hoping so at least! I am going to try to be 'fair' within reason. I am keeping my fingers crossed!

"So I really think that he MAY not be total money hungry grubbing jerk."

Please Sadmo, protect yourself, who ever your husband was is gone, the man you see here is all about himself, and no one else, just look at his logic, him wanting his toddlers to be happy for him living away from the house acting like he has no kids when it suits him, not wanting to work on his marriage but work on a relationship with some woman he met five months ago.

Almost like a highschool boy getting his gf pregnant, he' free to date others (always happens) and she and her parents, sometime along with his takes care of the baby, while he just goes with the flow..

I've seem it too many times when the bs still belives that the ws will act honorably with the $$$, only to get screwed in the end.... do not play nice thinking that he will also, fight like a mother bear would protect YOUR kids!!!!

SS-

The thing is, LEGALLY, I am screwed if he wants to push anything. Which sucks. A lot. I am going to see the lawyer next week, and I am going to have him draft something that will be, in my opinion, fair. I am hoping that WH will go along with it.

I am glad also, I have one of his friends on my side now. One of his friends from way back. He is disgusted with how my WH has handled things, and he has been telling him that. My WH's brother is also on his case. He is telling him that he should let me have everything. So that is good... I will see how he reacts when he gets the papers...

I am again in a better place. I have been my fun, happy self. I have even had some people offer to set me up, not that I am interested, yet. It was kind of cute because I am a tooth person. You know, someone who looks at someone's teeth and thinks, "Mmmm-Hmmm. Nice teeth, nice smile!" And this one newer friend of mine said, "My H has this one really nice friend, you may like him, and he has really nice teeth!" It cracked me up, because she did not know that about me, and that was one of this guys good points! It did kind of intrigue me though. LOL!

I will protect myself as best as I can. What I have in my favor is that my WH has NO money, he is not looking for a long drawn out D, and he will be relieved that SOMEONE (surprise, surprise, ME!) is taking care of it, not him. So I do have that going for me.

Now that I do not have to take his nonsense, and I have decided that I am going to stop being so "nice and forgiving" all of the time, it makes me feel better about myself. He had convinced me that I was the one that was just so impossible. Now I have had my eyes opened. It was not all my fault. Hear that creaking noise??? It is my backbone starting to re-grow! I have been walking around on eggshells, and trying to be nice for so long, I actually started to lose my backbone! But it is coming back! YAY!

I don't know. I am mad today. I am mad at WH.

I am mad that he did not try to save the M. I am mad that he wants us to "be friends" when I have told him that I will NOT be his friend if we D.

I am mad that I was not taken into account and that my feelings did not matter to him.

I am mad that I did not get a mothers day gift.

And finally, I am mad at myself because when he called with his pathetic apology, I did not readily accept it, and I was ok with it, and now I am sitting here thinking, "Oh, he felt bad, I should have just accepted it."

Why am I second-guessing myself? Why would I want to accept this behavior? And WHY am I the one feeling bad?

I don't even know what triggered this. I wish that I did not feel this way.

Many times the WS needs plan B to convince them of this, and they don't like it. I only went to plan B for about 6 hours before my WW agreed to NC w/ OM. I sent her a note telling her that I was "never speaking to her again" unless OM was out of the picture and when she tried frantically calling me the first few hours I texted her back, "you are dead to me." That's when she broke down and agreed to NC.

Well, I know what triggered it. Duh. He is coming here to pick the girls up today. And I am dreading seeing him.

He will be either one of two ways, cold and indifferent, or he will try to act like everything is GREAT between us. I find both of those options insulting.

I am going to have the girls outside, playing, when he shows up. Then he can just whisk them away. Therefore, he will not be in my house, or around me.

I need to be sure and set firm boundaries with him now. No hugging me. Not an option. No idle chit-chat. No lurking around. Do I tell him this, or just do it? I feel that if I tell him, he will just think, "yeah, right!" and still try to bulldoze over what I said. I have been so wishy-washy. Actions speak louder than words. So just do it, and not talk about it.

Ok. Sound good to me.

Sadmo-

I favor the "just do it" plan as well. Have the kids outside. As soon as he shows up, remember some task you need to do-laundry, fingernail upkeep-whatever.

And your anger is completely understandable. Your family has been destroyed and you are left with the collateral damage.

It hurts. It isn't fair. And that's not something "friends" do to each other.

I would work on a plan B letter and give it to them. A lot of times they just dismiss, forget, or not listen to what you have to say. Put it in writing in the form of a plan B letter and then follow through.