See how dense the fog makes the WS? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

LOL!

Dense is not the word that I would use... but I will be nice!

Another thing that I did not mention. I talked to one of his friends, and he told me that he heard that me and my WH were getting along so much better, and he was happy. He then went on to say, "And your WH said that you are like friends now, he does not feel any passion for you, so he knows that he does not want to get back with you...blah, blah, blah."

So, for this month, I will continue on with my plan. And then, hey, if he still does not have any 'passion' for me, and he does not want to be with me, then he will not have to deal with me at all.

You know?

Maybe it is true for him. Maybe if we had had our old 'passion' back after the kids...

One thing that keeps coming to me is that he said, after one of our MC appointments, "You know, I said that I love you in there, but I do not know if I ever really truly loved you enough to marry you. I think I just married you because I was getting older, and I wanted a family...." It was like a sucker punch then. Now it just has me thinking.

He may not want to be with me at all anymore. That is fine.

But, he will not have my friendship, my support, my anything if we do D. I think that he is just trying to firmly plant me in the roll of "FRIEND". He will bring me to the bar he met her at, AS HIS FRIEND. Then who knows? Maybe I will be FRIENDS with OW, and HOO-RAY! His life works out beautifully!

Perhaps he should write fantasy novels???
Just a thought. LOL!

Amazing.

So I have been happy go lucky Sadmo. I have had great days with the kids, with work, and with friends. Even WH.

So he comes to pick up the kids today. He says, "I decided that I am going to sign another lease. I just thought that I should tell you."

I said (drum roll please....)

"I figured that you would. That is fine." I then busied myself with getting my D's shoes on.

He then came up to me and said, "I know that you said that if I do that your are going to D me, but I don't want you to do that. It can stay like this.I really like how we are getting along."

I said, "Well, no, this is not what I have in mind for M. I want a real R. I want all of that. If you are not willing to give that to me, that is fine, your choice, but I am going to use this as an opportunity to move on."

And you know what? I felt fine with it.

And what did he do? He CRIED. He cried, he hugged me, he told me that he is so sorry he is a selfish jerk, but that he is happier since he left (HE IS?????) and he can tell I am.

SO what do I say? I say, "I am too. You are right!"

He then cried more. And then he made my day. Maybe for just today, but it thrilled me. He said, "I have been thinking long and hard about everything, and I do not want you and the girls to suffer because I a selfish idiot. Just have the lawyer write up that how everything is now, is how it will remain. I will not go after half the equity of the house. You do not deserve me possibly ruining the kids lives (REALLY???) by making you have to move. Just have it written this way. I will sign it. You have been more than fair with me."

I am going to pray that he stays this way!!! This would be WONDERFUL for me!!!!

Sadmo, I truly believe that when all the dust settles, your stbx will have a boatload of regrets, to cry is not how a happy person would react to your news, and I hope and pray that he keeps his word on his signing the papers

GODSPEED

Swan-
I came to that realization. That I will be fine, the kids HOPEFULLY will be fine, I am going to do everything in my power to ensure it.

He will be the one not fine. He will be the one living with the what ifs.

I really do not think that he has mourned the loss of the R yet. I do not think that it has hit him.

I at least have that going for me. That I have mourned already, and I have let go, and I have recovered.

Which is not to say if I saw him with another woman that I would be running over to make friends with her. No. Just that I have made peace with MYSELF over this. I did what I could, I gave it my all. There was nothing else that I could do.

So, anyway....

I have been treating myself to pedicures every two weeks or so (my feet are wonderful for the first time in my life!!! I can wear sandals!!!) When WH dropped the kids off, he commented on my feet, and how they looked nice with my nails polished all of the time. He then complimented my hair, and then he asked if he could hang out with the kids for a while playing ball. I told him sure. When he went to leave, he hugged me in this long embrace. He then said that he would call tomorrow.

I was like, "ok. I don't know if we will be home, but leave a message!"

Me and the girls are going to visit my brother in Michigan, and maybe go to the beach. Fun with my girls... which is wonderful.

I do not know if it is spring fever or what, but I feel great!

I hope that he does not change his mind though, but even if he does, at least it gave me some small comfort for now... one less thing to think about.

As I quietly stash away some of my, ahem, ducks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How soon can you get those papers to him? I have a feeling he really doesn't believe you are going to file. I'd get his signature ASAP.

Mojo-
Why do you think that he does not think that I am going to file?

You have me nervous now...

I told him that as soon as he signed the lease (in 3 weeks) that I would get them to him.

I just realized that in order to be a better all around person, in all my relationships I have to grow. And this means with my family too.

I just left a birthday party for my mom. And I came to realize that I have been a submissive daughter to my parents for a long time. My dad was telling me to apologize to my mom, who was being dramatic for no reason that made sense to me. I did not do anything wrong, and I told my dad that I was not going to apologize. He got mad at me.

Then I saw this pattern that I was caught in my with my H. I would apologize, just to keep the peace when I should not have. I have done this with especially my mom.

And I had to make the decision to NOT apologize. I do not think that I should have to basically act all submissive to someone who is basically using me as a scape goat for whatever is bothering them.

To make a long story short, I did not apologize ( I did not do anything wrong!)my dad got upset with me, my mom acted like a drama queen, and she refused to interact with anyone, eat her cake, or open her gifts. She then turned on my dad.

And it was weird. I all of a sudden realized WHY I put up with so much [email]cr@p[/email] from my WH. I put up with it from my mom, I was the scapegoat so that she could unleash her anger, no one else was subjected to it, and it kept the peace. And I acted that way with my WH. I would put up with his stuff, to keep the peace. I was always the peace maker in the family.

And I had to say today, that I am not going to be targeted for something I did, and act like something is my fault, when it is not my fault anymore. I felt a little bad, but then again, I felt like, "Wow. I never realized this dynamic before."

So I am being true to myself, I did not act rude or anything to my mom, I just kind of listened to her, told her I was sorry that she felt that way, but I did not apologize to her for making HER feel bad.

What a difference 10 months make. Wow.

Sadmo-- Im glad you stood up for yourself at your mother's party. You are growing by leaps and bounds!

I do not think your husband relly believes it because Im seeing his pattern with you-- he pulls you in, pushes you away, pulls you in, pushes you away.... I see his crying and nice guy act as a 'pull you in' gambit. Maybe Im hyper paranoid...but would you be averse to getting those papers to him BEFORE he signs that lease? MANY THINGS CHANGE IN 3 WEEKS, including WS's foggy behavior. Do not give him time to rethink his nice guy attitude!!!

Please consider this for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN's welfare!

Mojo-
I see what you are saying.
What is kind of stopping me is, silly as this may be, it was what I said that I would do. I would wait until he signed his lease.
I know that that is silly. But he has still been nice. It is too bad that he was not this way before he left!

Today he was frustrated with something, he called me at work, and was all crabby. I told him that I understand why he was mad, but to please not take it out on me.

Pause, then he apologized, he was just frustrated with the kids (for a good reason) and he wanted to vent. So I told him that I was fine with that, I just did not want him to get mad at me because he was mad at my D. I offered him a solution, he thanked me, apologized again for bothering me at work. I told him it was fine.

So it is almost weird. He is being like the guy I fell in love with... except now I know that he does not want responsibility... which changes how I feel about him.

And, now he is being nice, but I am not being all pathetic, and grateful. I am just being me. If he wants to call and be nice fine. I am not calling him to talk to him. I am just doing my own thing. And I am ok.

I will see how his mood is in the next week or so, if he continues to be nice, I will continue to be nice and hold off on the D papers. If he wants to be not nice, then I will be nice until he is again, then do the papers. I think it is a good plan.

And, I really think that he is starting to regret his behavior and attitude now. And that if fine. I just think that now it will be his time to mourn the loss of the R, I did already. And I think that he will realize that he is not as happy as he thought he was. But... only time will tell!

Good job on the responses. Now if he keeps having these mood swings offer him a midol. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I did that to my then WS and that shut him up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

LOL! I should!

But I think that he is FINALLY thinking about what he has done, and it is making him confused.

HA, HA!
I will offer him a Midol, maybe that will help!

So tomorrow me and my WH are supposed to go out. So I can hear him sing. He also wanted to spend time with the kids together, so we were going to take them somewhere during the day.

We had been getting along pretty well, it has been ok. He has been nice, polite, affectionate, and not a complete idiot. Progress, I THOUGHT.

He is on vacation this week. He has been bemoaning the fact that he does not ever do anything exciting, he does not have the money to go away, etc. Not a word from me. His bed, let him lie in it.

He went out with one of his friends' last night (my sisters ex bf - I will call him 'eric'). So Eric calls me today. Upset with my WH. Eric has this one HOT young friend that he hangs out with. She is a party girl. Anyway, she met up with My WH and Eric last night. And they ran into some other people that my WH knew. Such as this one woman that he works with, and HER DAUGHTER, who she has been trying to set my WH up with. My WH leaves with her daughter "to go hang out at some bar closer to her house". Leaving Eric a little like, "Ok...."

So it gets better. Eric drove home his hot little friend that had been giving my WH advice on his hair last night. She gave my WH her phone number. She is 14 years younger than him!!!! Eric and hot girl got into an argument last night, she told Eric she did not want him as her friend. He was like fine.

So today, he goes to his neighborhood pool, and who is there? MY WH AND MISS HOT.

Eric was like, "WTF?" So he goes over to them. He said that Miss Hot was very COLD to him, and then both her and my WH got up, and moved to a different part of the pool.

So he is upset that my WH is not being loyal to him. And that he is being this way. He could not believe that my WH called Miss HOT, especially since my WH knew that they were feuding. SO he is FURIOUS with my WH. He was ranting about what kind of friend is he, etc.

So WH calls me. All fine, pretending like he is looking forward to tomorrow.

All I can see is that he is not loyal.

He does not value his relationships.

He is selfish.

And I know that one day, he will regret it.

I talked to him, and I asked him why he did that to Eric. My WH feels that he wants to make "new friends". I asked why all of his 'new friends' are female. He told me he 'naturally is drawn to females." SO I told him that Eric has been loyal to him since I met both of them, and that Eric is really upset with him. You know what his reply was, "OH, he is a big baby. F him."

He rambled on and on about this and that, and then said, "we still are on for tomorrow, right? I really have been looking forward to it."

I said, "sure."

And now I am thinking, wow. I really do not want to see him. I really do not want to hang out with him.

And I feel like if I don't, it will be me being "dramatic".

And I am thinking that I will go and get those papers drawn up REALLY fast. I do not know how much longer I can be nice to him.

I talked to my one friend tonight, and she said, "well, what did you expect? He blows off his family, he blew you off, he blows off the kids (by not calling and telling them goodnight when he has 'plans'), of course he is going to blow off his good buddies. Why wouldn't he?

For me being loyal is so important in all relationships. I just cannot believe how he is not even loyal to his friend Eric, who was our best man, who has been friends with him forever.

UNBELIEVABLE.

On the positive, hearing about all of these other chickee babes did not even upset me. It just made me realize how far I have come, and how little he is to my emotional state anymore. And that is great.

I will look back one day, and I will think that I lived a good life, I was a good person. And I think that he will be saddled with regrets.

It is sad but the WS eventually think they can treat others like they have treated their own families and NOT in a good way.

Sorry 'Eric' was on the receiving end of what YOU have been receiving.

Loyalty appears t/b one of your boundary markers. This is a good type of boundary.

So when r u gonna stop being nice to this WS?

L.

Sadmo,
I wouldn't hang your plan on what sort of emotional state your WH is in today or tomorrow or anyday.

If you plan on filing for D, either now or later, why not now? If this is your plan. I guess I just can't peg what you are trying to do. Protect that family first, regardless of what your WH does or says. Moods and emotions are poor indicators of how to handle a sitch, because they fluctuate. Actions are a better predictor of what you are and will, atleast for the near future, be dealing with.

Your WH doesn't make friends with the girlies to just be friends, and we ALL know that. I would laugh every time I heard this. He's looking for validation, for admiration. I mean, the girls giving him pointers on his hair, why? because he's a girl? Whatever.

Sadmo, I think the plan of communicating with the spouse when in the absence of the wayward attitude is great, but I don't believe that making legal decisions on the same basis is sound. Protect the family FIRST, don't worry about the WH AT ALL; his reaction is not going to be good, regardless of WHEN you drop this bomb on him. Don't lie to yourself and think that he is going to be okay with it. He's lying to himself about this; don't rely on what he says.

Your WH is a sinking ship. He is surrounding himself with people cut from the same WAYWARD thinking cloth. This HOT girl appartently gives not two sh!ts about how she affects other people. She hurts Eric and then hangs out with your WH, a married man. She's pretty much a POS looking for the same admiration as your WH is.

I still think that getting the legal stuff together and then instituting Plan B would be wise. I know you THINK you are done, but until you know, it's better to be safe than sorry. Just my opinion. Take it as that. Live and learn...

SL-
I hear you.
I am going to go to the lawyer next Wed. hopefully. I am going to make the appointment.

You know, when we get along, it is nice. It is like when we were happy. But he has such a wayward attitude instilled in him now. It is amazing. I do not see him wanting to be a man with responsibilities. Not at all. His thrills are going out to bars, singing, talking to new people and meeting new people (AKA girls).

And what triggered me is that he has been acting totally different towards me, until, whoa and behold, he hangs out with Miss Hot. Then he gets the self righteous attitude. And then I get angry.

For example, today we were supposed to go to the beach with the kids. It is overcast, threatening rain. I called him and he said we could do something else. Everything else I suggested was shot down. Soooo........ irritation grew. He finally relented and fine about one of the suggestions. Then he said, "well, I want to get my hair cut and done for tonight, so I can't hang out all day with you and the kids."

I got mad. Originally the plan was: we take the kids to the beach, spend the day together, we go out to eat after the sitter comes over, and then we go out so I can hear him sing, and we were going to do a few other things.

So I say, "what time are you meeting Miss Hot?" He says, "around three. She is going to do my hair for tonight." I said, "why do you need to get your hair done for tonight?" He says, "look, she is a GOOD friend (he just hung out with her for the first time YESTERDAY!!!!!) and I want her to teach me how to do my hair!" So I say, "Come on now, just say it: I think that she is hot, I want to be around her, and who knows?" He said, "Yes, she is hot. But I just want her to show me how to do my hair." I say, "I can show you how to do your hair." He pauses. Then says, "No, I want her to show me how." So I say, "Why? You AREN'T interested in her, she is JUST a friend...Oh, that is right. For now." So he says, "if you are going to be this way, then I do not want to hang out with you." So I said, "same to you." He is silent. Then he says, "You know, you are making it really hard for me to be around you. If you do not want to go today, just tell me." So I said, "I know that I am making it hard. But you are making it hard for me to want to be around YOU. I mean, come on!" So he finally said, "I will be over at eleven, and we will go from there."

Then, we will go our separate ways, and then meet up again. I do not think that I can do it.

I never, ever saw this horn dog side of him when we were even dating. I NEVER, EVER thought that he would be so obssessed with 'making new friends'. It is so weird to me.

Lawyers office opens in 10 minutes. I will make the call today.

So I called the lawyer. Next Thurs it will be.

There is no sense in waiting until he signs the lease, he intends to sign it. Why should I keep my word, and really, what difference does it make? Duh! It just drags it out longer and longer....

So we went out yesterday. He shows up, he dressed nice, clean shaven, and he hair LOOKED LIKE [email]CR@P![/email] Ha-ha! It looked all greasy, and even the sitter said something about how he had too much product in his hair (when he asked her). So It was funny.

We got in the car, and we decided to go to this one decent restaurant for dinner. They had this guy walking around and singing, and it actually was A LOT of fun. We both had a good time. We then went to my WH's main haunt. This one bar where he sings Karaoke. We got there, and I ran into some guy I knew, and one of WH's old friends showed up. This one guy started to try to hang all over me, and WH got annoyed with him and told him to leave me alone.

What was a GREAT mood enhancer (besides a few beers!) was that I looked good, WH thought I looked good, I got along with everyone really well, and several people, not knowing who I REALLY was told my WH that he should hang on to me. In the words of one guy, "Man, she is a keeper".

HOW COOL IS THAT? There was this one guy that my WH told me kept looking at me, and he was telling me how this one chick is always trying to get with him, and he does not talk to many girls... SO I went over to the guy, and he talked to me, and we joked around. WH was just there looking... like "OMG, people actually like her, and they find her attractive!"

He then was lurking around me for pretty much the rest of the night.

I kind of looked at it as our "last hurrah". To go out with good memories, to show him that I AM fun. That I CAN have a good time. He really seemed to think that I was incapable of it when we were married.

We went back to his place, and we danced to our song. I stayed the night. We did have SF (protection used!), and all was good. He kept telling me how much fun he had, and how he had not had so much fun in a long time... When I got up, he was just looking at me, and he said, "You know, you are really beautiful. I had a great time last night. I am glad that we did that."

He took me home, he got the girls (it is his weekend), and I have been putzing around the house, cleaning and such. I am going to go shopping, and get a pedicure before I go out to this one party that I was invited to for an old friend.

Then on Tues. I am going to a concert with some newer friends that I have that I have fun with.

And you know what? It is not so bad being single, and just going out and having fun. I am even having a lot of fun with my kids.

I was thinking today about if I was ready at all to even be in a R. And I came to the conclusion that while I am having fun, and I am flirting with some men, I am not even ready to give out my phone number, or even start up with someone. I am happy on my own for now. I do not need to have a man in my life in order to be happy, and that is good. I have made new friends, and I am happier than I have been in years. I feel good.

It is too bad with my WH, but if the man does not want responsibility, and does not want to be M, than that is OK too. I cannot fault him for acknowledging that in himself. I just realized he knew that BEFORE we got M.

So just thought that I would give an update. I am on an upswing, and it is GOOD!

I'd file as soon as possible.

Please be careful with your actions. You are still a married lady and, in all honesty, even post-divorce, dating really should be the last thing on your priority list. I'd hate for you to give your WH even a smidgeon of 'proof' that you are no worse than him (I've heard this from WS's which is why I bring it up!).

Mojo-

I hear you. I actually do not think much of dating. I do not really have the desire to do it. I was just saying that I am having fun (I am not doing anything scandalous, or that I should not be doing if I am married).

I was feeling good about the fact that I SEE that I could have opportunities... if I wanted them. But I do not now. I do not think that I conveyed that. I was just pondering IF I were even wanting to date anyone yet. And the answer was no.

First priority: my kids, giving them a stable life, a good life.
Second: Family
Third: work
Fourth: friends

I am set up for Thurs. to file.

On a side note, the guy that was hanging all over me was his friend's friend, who was quite drunk. I was not encouraging him at all. He kept trying to get me to dance, and I did not want to.

(I did not want to give you the impression that I WANTED him to hang on me! I just reread that and I was like, "whoa! That does not sound good!)