I don't think it's that we don't want to hear it. I think we don't want to give up the illusion--the illusion that we cling to so tightly--that we are loved. I did not want to admit that yet again, someone was purposely making choices that were not loving. Yet again, I was not loved...and if I wasn't loved, that meant I was unloveable. And THAT is what I didn't want to hear. I would have put up with abuse for FOREVER if I had been able to maintain that illusion of being loved.
HA, you nailed it for me! You really said what I could not say for myself...the illusion...
Coming from a sexual abusive childhood...I thought a one point sex was love...
I began to see that he wouldn't protect me...chose not to look at the cell bill anymore...knowing the whole time that he was going to talk to OW...whether I liked it or not...
It was really hard to come to terms with...I began believing that he was rebelling, calling her on purpose just to show me that he could...
I didn't even realize my fear until I started learning about DV and VA...and it was hard to admit that I was fearful...first I realized that I was scared to bring my books in the house, or when I did I would hide them...
I started deleteing my history on the computer, so he wouldn't see me here...HE was NOT happy that I visited here...compared it to his porn of all things...
I told him that his porn was hurting our M and MB was meant to help...I refused to give this up and hid it...sometimes would only get on it at work and if he came by, I would close it or minimize the screen...
I just felt like I was trapped...I was questioning the VA when I left...then a few days later TVAR, which I had send to work arrives, I think I read the first two pages three times before I could move on...
It wasn't until I was in my safe place that I started reading the book...
That reminds me, I had found some questionnaires, and we were suppose to each fill it out, one section at a time...I did my section, and he started his, but we got into an argument while we were in bed and he went into the living room and tore his up, leaving the paper all over the floor...
It sat there for days before I picked it up, I taped it back together and hid it...biggest fear...losing his family! Guess he should have DONE something different about that!
I keep questioning myself too, why did I see this so long ago...I just got back from my DV support group and they were saying that you have to forgive yourself and not do that in order to move forward...
Right now, I'm not sure how to do that...I keep going back to the beginning and thinking if I didn't do this or I brought this to the R...it's my abusive childhood...because I didn't know any better...
And I know that I can't do that, but it sure doesn't stop it...I'm scared that my next R will be abusive...how will I know that I'm picking someone better, respectful, sincere, loving...how will I be able to see the warnign signs in the future because the last thing I want to do it repeat this [email]cr@p![/email]
I hate talking to him...since last night my day has been up and down...I don't know, but it will get better, I just have to believe!
Just keep swimmin, just keep swimmin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
CJ, you mean alot to me! You really do!
