All I keep experiencing is Wh telling me more lies, they are so farout.

Why do they lie?

Who is the lie for?

Why do you want to stay married to someone who lies? You begin to doubt everything they say, do they lie when they say they love you.

CAN YOU EVER TRUST THEM AGAIN? WHY put yourself though all this misery for a LIAR and a CHEATER!!!!

this has just started for you

try not to make too many mental leaps into the future

instead

what is your PLAN?

if you dwell too long in the "why" or "what if" .... you miss opportunities that you could use to PLAN

Pep

PS ... YOU NEED A PLAN AND YOU NEED TO STICK WITH IT

I have to back up Pep...

She said a mouthful! Take it one day at a time, even hour by hour if you have too...

No should haves, or what if's...that's the past and the future...TODAY, what's happening today is the most important!

You'll get through this! You will be just fine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks everyone it helps, I keep beating myself up.

I have not contacted him in 36 hours which is a miracle for me, I do not plan on any contact at all. The ball is in his court.

As for a Plan I really don't have a clue what my Plan is.

What should the Plan include, rebuilding myself and my family and getting on with life without him.

I just don't know. I feel so lost and alone.

feelings are not a PLAN

feelings change, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute-by-minute

in a WAR, one must PLAN their next move no matter what their feelings are

THIS IS WAR

Pep

What kind of learner are you?

I am a visual learner ... audio instructions go in one ear and out the other ...

what is your learning style?

HERE [color:"red"] <~~~ LINK [/color]

If I were confused, as you are ... I'd start writing out a list ... the visual nature of the list would help me think... that's why I am asking you what kind of learner you are.


Pep

Hi Pep:

I really appreciate your help and guidance, thank you.

This is me: Logical/Mathematical Intelligence

But also more visual, I gather info and data and like to figure it out. Over thinker though, data, data

I seem to figure things out well but than I can't implement for myself. I see it but can't do it.

map out your goals
brainstorm ideas with yourself
do this for a few days

make a list of what NOT to do ... that's as helpful as a what to do list (sometimes)

Pep

He just called me and I didn't answer the phone. He didn't leave a message either.

I got so anxious and stressed, I think I did the right thing.

No Contact for a while.

I think you did the right thing as well

He called back and left a message, told me to stop emailing him at work and that he was going to contact my work if I continued.

I haven't emailed him in 2 days, he's crazy.

Anyway I called him and told him I haven't emailed him and have no intention of emailing him. He said OK

Was this a trick to just talk to me and upset me.

Should I have ignored the call?

What to do in the future? I was even starting to think about calling him back and asking him why he thought I was emailing him. Here I go.

Help.

c/b the OW e-mailing him with an addy similar to yours? Ask him to send you a copy of the 'supposed' e-mail from today.

L.

YOu got it, it was the OW emailing him, but she sent him the emails that her and I sent back and forth from MySpace.
She said he told her we were divorced and they were only having a sexual thing once in a while, no relationship.

So he is busted!!!

He said Gee maybe the two of you should get together.

I said yeh maybe we should I'm sure we'd have plenty to talk about.

I hope she doesn't let him back in.

Well who knows what's next I think I'll just sit back and watch.

The truth does prevail!!!!!

Hi Sue....it's me...Ace, just checkin' in to see how you're doing this morning.

Great idea to create a new thread...why didn't I think of that?

Your situation inspires me to learn all this stuff as fast as I can so I can do more to help than watch and pray (and bump and encourage.)

We are all in this together so please don't feel like you're alone. As you can see from my sig, my husband's lies led to 3-4 D-days (the last one was NC but he was trying to contact her). He has lied habitually for 50+ years but decided to TRY TO change once he got a glimpse of life without me when I told him to go after D-Day #4. So far he's making great progress and because of MB I see hope for us.

There could be hope for you, too, even though you may not see it right now. DO NOT base what you do on your feelings, as you're been told. THEY WILL CHANGE.

You've got some great advice to get started and I'm learing right along with you what to do. Please keep us posted on your progress and vent here when you need to.

You and I are about the same age and have kids the same age. Try to protect them if you can. Our kids discovered the initial OW emails, confronted their dad who confessed to me. But both DD 27 and DS 25 said "You guys work it out without us....we don't want to hear, won't take sides, and just want to SEE action." If they had not said that, I might have tried to drag them into it when I felt so alone. You may feel the same, but try not to.

DD27 would not even speak to her dad for 60 days, avoided coming to visit when his truck was home, and did not even ask about him. But, she cooled down and finally made the effort to reconcile when she was ready. How are your kids doing?

I'll be praying for you.

Ace

Thanks for your support, I'm just feeling real good today after thinking about my conversation with WH last night.

Him knowing that the OW and I exchanged stories, and him telling me that "Oh OW and you should get together".... I told him yeh we would have alot to talk about. Its rather comical. But I also have to be careful.

I think he's finally gonna have to comfort his lies, I HOPE.

I guess I should just sit back and wait and get on with my life.

Sue,

I wanted to share with you that my WH once said, "You and OW could be great friends, I just know it."

Not uncommon in the fog.

And I have never spoken with OW...

Seems to me you are spending all your energy trying to break his fog...you aren't that powerful. With your focus on him, you're experiencing a lot of feelings (which are signals) like powerless, helpless, frustration, feeling out of touch with reality.

Normal signals...from your belief that you're dealing with your H, not a WH. You are interacting with a WH, Sue. That's reality right now.

Listen to Pep...pick Plan A or Plan B. You've chosen to be retaliatory, defensive...if you're truly in Plan B, then you're not dark enough by far...and if you're really wanting to be in Plan A, you aren't bringing reality with both hands.

You can halve your pain right now by picking a plan...and pulling your focus off of WH and putting it on yourself, where you have power.

Did you already do a Plan A? Did you expose to everyone in OW's family...WH's? Did you identify your ENs, his ENs...your LBs and eliminate them?

And have you set your goal? Plan A and Plan B assumes you want to save your marriage...what do you really want? Until you set your own goal, you won't get there...and limbo land has a ton of pain, craziness and messy grieving in it.

We want you to live in clean lines, with clarity.

LA

Thanks, good points. It seems that the anger is taking me over. But the change in focus on the lies coming out and being exposed on him feels real good right now.

And thankyou for pointing out all the items I should be working on. I will start my lists and really dig into my soul.

After this last tail spin to tell you the truth I'm not sure if I do want to stay married anymore.

Start figuring out all the things he complained about BEFORE the affair, and eliminate them. Be cheerful and friendly. It is probably best not to discuss your relationship right now, because he will continue to lie, and that will make you angry.

Wh called last night to ask if he had any mail. We talked no LB.

He just kept talking than he brought up OW and said again OH you guys should get together, no really. I didn't know how to respond so I just said Yeh right maybe we should.

It's like he thinks this is a JOKE or something, I know he's just calling to see if I'm still waiting.

He also said I was trying to move the relationship back together "To Fast", I said well the Affair is one thing but the lies are not acceptable. WH said the whole 20 years hasn't been lies.

These kinds of conversations are so hard, especially when he is initiating most of the A talk.

Any suggestions?