I don't know if I could live with that or even how to do it.

I'm really p*ssed because things seemed to be going really well for a good while there. How can I accept settling when I know what could be if he would just try.

you can do things that are not pleasing to you in order to create a pleasant home for your children

I thought that was what we were discussing .... what to do when things are not as you wish they were ....

2 choice dilemma ~~~> when you are not really thrilled about either choice ... both are a compromise

and .... I dislike the use of the word "settling" as if it were a dirty word

we settle things all the time ... like fights between the kids and the adults step in to settle .... no one kid gets exactly what they want, but just a part of what they were asking for ... but it is what it is

do you think "settling" makes you reflect badly?

or might "settling" be appropriate at times?

when can you make the best of something?
only when it is just what you wanted?

.... just encouraging you to get out of the hole of thinking about what you do not have ... and think bigger picture

Pep

PS

People should not give up a task when they are really pissed off .... especially when the task is "better or worse"

I had to think about this overnight. Settling has a bad taste for me because of FOO issues. My mother was agoraphobic and depressed. No affection, no attention, she was in her own world. People at school didn't think I had a mother, she never went to ANYTHING. I didn't have friends over, I wasn't allowed to go much of anywhere. I went to exactly one movie as a child and that was because a neighbor took me. We never went out to eat. She never took me to the park. I can't remember getting hugs or read to. I was severely starved for affection/attention and I thought there was something wrong with me until I got old enough to realize not all families were like mine. I had so much baggage from that (extremely shy/self conscious, etc.). When I realized I had control over my life, I vowed I would never live with regrets and I would live life to the fullest and not "settle" for less than what I wanted/deserved.

As you may or may not remember, I had left H three times prior children (no A involvement). In the entire time of my M, I have felt like I was the one trying to make it work. I guess in a lot of ways I've been trying to get him to give me what I missed my whole life. When I don't get it, I think why do I have to put up with it and fear having regrets at the end of my days.

I got married too young and for the wrong reasons. Sometimes I think the only way to correct that is to not be M'ed to him. But then I think if we could have a better M, one that gives us both what we want/need, I could let that go. I could live in the now and let go of the past. Sometimes I see improvements and I think maybe it's possible. But then we'll go through a period where he is like some other person, not himself and becomes cold and irritable. Then after a while, he will realize what he's doing and apologize (he did last night) but that doesn't make it all go away immediately like he wants it to. Which one is he really?

Last night, he finally realized I was not going to just let it go and he apologized and was being affectionate and sweet and all the things I wanted all along and I got upset at him and told him it wasn't fair to do that to me. I tried to explain that I needed this guy around more and the other around less and I felt like I'm being pushed back and forth. It makes me upset because I know this guy is there, somewhere. I don't know if I made sense or if he understood but at least I was heard and that's something.

Sorry this was a long response Pep...

In what ways did writing your response help you?

I realized that to some extent I'm expecting/wanting him to give me what I didn't get when I was a little girl. I'm 38 still upset over what I didn't get when I was 5. How pathetic.

Is that fair to him...no. I accept that. I can work on this but I would at least like him to "understand" this part of me.

What I need at the minimum is for him to be polite and friendly at home. Tone down the LB'ing. He doesn't understand how much withdrawing one episode of LBing does and he doesn't understand that just saying I'm sorry doesn't instantly make me feel all warm and fuzzy again.

One word would make all the difference....L I S T E N....

(and DH keep the judgments to yourself, just validate me, please...)

I think I'm going to start journaling.

PS ... when was your D day(s)?

{{{{{{{{{{{MAZ}}}}}}}}}}

imagine yourself trying to live with someone who was trying to work out their old issues by mistreating ~~~> YOU!

oh, wait!

you experienced this already .... with your mother


[b]2X4

noooooooooooooooooo

Do you really think "understand" will solve you past hurts?

I think a more effecient way is to live differently. The more you try to get your H to "understand" you past just puts a brighter spotlight on how IMPORTANT your past is and how much it rules you now.

YOU change this, not your H.

XOXO

Pep

Whoooooooah --------> YIKES!



I can relate to this, too. Thanks, PEP....again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MAZ, you can do this, too. I believe in you as you've helped me a ton over the past 3 months.

Ace

maybe I mean validate...acknowledge that it was painful and give me a hug.

I feel insignificant when he is dismissive of my feelings or doesn't want to hear about them (which is 99% of the time I try to express them). Be a safe place.

Yes, I feel rejected all over again.

I don't think that I am expecting him to fix everything or that he even could, but I think it would help. Regardless of my childhood, what is wrong with expecting a spouse to be there emotionally for you when you need it? I don't expect him to listen to me babble 24/7. And I'm not sure if I get this right but I don't think I'm mistreating him, except for the A's obviously. He's got a lot of his own issues from childhood (where I think his anger comes from/modeled by dear old dad). Which I have given him a lot (I mean, a lot) of leeway on because of...When he's in the right frame of mind, he acknowledges this. I like it on those very rare occasions when he does share these things with me, it makes me feel closer to him.

Do I have issues, yes, but I don't think the past rules me and I don't think that it gives him a free ride to not be there for me, or what am I missing?

Bottom of my sig, coming up on one year in May, why?

Ace, thanks for the hug, how are you doing?

Hubby will get grumpy around D days !

MAZ,

Journaling is a great idea.....really helps me in my present situation...email forthcoming.

Ace

YOU say:

I need a hug.

Now I want to ask you .... and think about this carefully, it is important...

WHY do you need your ~feelings~ validated?

What the heII does this mean anyway? "Please validate my feelings."

Feelings just ARE
they are neither right nor wrong

WHAT is he validating? That you HAVE them?

Pep

I AM sympathetic to your pain

do not think I am not

however

SYMPATHY alone does nothing to benefit your marriage

when you go back & read what you have written to describe your situation ... can you SEE your Taker/Giver?

Can you SEE when you build resentments? and why?

You're making me laugh again Pep...

Ok, empathy, how's that? I would like empathy. Am I off base? Like you'd get from your best friend.

How 'bout what not to do:

Not: "oh no, here we go again"
Not: "you're not going to start that again are you"
Not: *waves hand dismissively* and walks away
Not: no response whatsoever
Not: "no drama, keep it light"
Not: *exasperated sigh*
Not: "I just wanna (watch tv, play xyz, whatever)"
Not: "I'm so tired of this" (after not having spoken of anything remotely emotional for a week... huh?)

etc. etc.


Again, I'm more than willing to schedule it. Work out a time that's acceptable every so often. He won't talk about talking about it.

Yes it does.

It fills a big need. It makes me feel loved.

I'll have to get back to you on the other stuff, I have to do kiddie roundup now.

Maybe you could add something in the title of your first post to attract some more attention. Maybe a 2 X 4 worded differently will hit me just right and I'll "get it."

it's me, not you ... I have word constipation today... I am pretty hungry too ... maybe later I can be less obtuse<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

It's not you Pep...I'm feeling pretty frustrated and I'm probably unable to see the forest for the trees. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />