good MORNING still, my friend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, Tuesday 10am :P I'm still at home on sick leave, still no voice, unfortunately. Spent the night wheezing and coughing my lungs out, but by morning it was better, so slept in to make up for the lost sleep last night. May just pop into the office after lunch, as I can't bear to stay at home alone for so many day!

Plan B will definitely be coming along, in due time. Its only been 6 days since she moved out, but gosh, it feels like forever! I will *try* and go a full month without actively contacting her at all, unless she contacts me first and says she's found a new place and is moving in already -by then, I'll know this is more or less over.

Now, if only I could win the lottery this Wednesday -that would really take my mind off this for a while <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dev,

Hey cool I'm about 12 hours behind you.

You know Thursday morning you tell em the lottery number for Wednsday night here and I split the winnings with you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Still

OOPs


That made no sense... can you tell I'm tired!

I think you know what I meant.

Still

haha, yes i do. Anyway will pop into the office today ven though i'm still on sick leave. Staying at home too much makes me more depressed when I would have been more than happy to do so last time! Heheh

Was at the basement car park just now and saw OW's car... man, it almost killed me trying not to walk over there and do something to it! Good thing too, as I was walking away she came out of the lift but I was walking the other way and don't know if she saw me or not. Didn;t want to confront her or anything since I have lost my voice and it would look quite pathetic anyway with me trying to croak out a response <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

If she wern't a woman, I would have sunk my fist into her face a long time ago... maybe I should take up boxing or something and release all this pent-up frustration and anger

Hi all,

Just wanna get it out there... is there NOTHING I can do at the point to get her back? Just sit home and let her make up her mind, even though she may still be in the fog or involved with OW? No emails to ask her to come home, or meet up with her and ask her to drop all this nonsense and come home??

I've been sick the last few days, so pretty much homebound and thinking about her a lot also... how did it all go so wrong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hey Dev,

Good control on not going back and Hitting OW. Fortunately I don't really know what MOW loooks like. Also have not run into her since A started. If I do I will give her a piece of my mind.

Dev the best thing right now (easy for me to say not easy to do....) is work on you. Right now the harder you try to pull her back in the harder she's going to pull away.

Don't make my mistakes. Have you read Love must be Tough? It might be something worth looking into.

Get out and do something for you (not like me right now sitting at computer) although it's still early here,

Take a bubble bath <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Stay strong mate

Still

Hey still,

Just that there are moments when I can't imagine having to live without her. The pain of her leaving is still very raw, and I'm still not used to coming home to an empty house every day, eating dinner alone, well, I'm still trying to figure out how to handle that.

I'm just trying to rack my brain trying to think if there's anything else I can do to get her back and coming up with zilch so far.

Dev,

You can do something - but not with the focus on winning her back. I think this calls for the 180 plan. Women like your wife don't want a man who wants them - however, she may want a man who doesn't need her "to complete him" any more. Now is the time to get a new fitness interest and another hobby or two just because you wanted to learn how to do it. Be stronger and better at your job than ever. Get involved in a volunteer group that builds houses for the poor, etc. Become passionate about making a difference in the world, instead of just to a selfish ungrateful woman who can't see or appreciate your quality.

It is lonely... even though my kids are here with me most of the time., it's not the same.

It's hard because we want whatever contact with them we can, even if it's not very pleasant. It's still some type of interaction with the person we love. I know because I've been doing that for that last plus year.

This is still very fresh for you... those wounds go deep. I remember every interaction was like pulling a scab off the wound. I thought it would never heal, people kept telling me time. Okay I'm a slow learner as I'm still struggling. What I'm tryng to say is it's going to hurt... come here like you een doing and we will be your cheerleaders.

Have you read Love must be tough... I really think that would help you. Right now you can't control her. What I would do is let her contact you right now. Don't seem needy. (I'm the queen of needy).

Someone put on my thread (I think it was CJ) go by 15 minute increments not to contact her... and then another 15 minutes.

What you can do to try to get her back is all in the plans... yes it may not work out. But the plans also help us to take back the control we have.

Dev...you seem like such a wonderful guy. It hurts so much to see all the pain we all go through at the hands of the person we love. We can do this together.

((((Dev)))

Still

Conventional wisdom on this site tends to recommend exposure to anyone you think will help the situation. Do you think her friends knowing would help the situation or do you think they would further fan the "I can't believe he would do that -- get a restraining order against him" fires? I'm guessing the latter. What do you think?

Another reason to think twice or even a third time is that you've essentially been in no contact for 6 days -- and this exposure is going to look like you painting LOOK AT ME!! DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!!! in 20 foot high letters.

Since one of the relationship problems she's complained about is the relentless way you go (went) about asserting your will in the relationship -- you might want to consider how this reinforces that perception. It certainly will leave the impression that you can't bring yourself to actually stop trying to manipulate her into seeing things your way.

I'm not recommending that you NOT do it. Does the OW have a significant other (husband, partner)? If so, that might be a good place to expose. You know the situation and people involved. Just consider the angles.


Stop dwelling on what your wife does or doesn't do. Seriously.


There really is no magic spell. What it all boils down to is proving that you are a good option. Generally, people discount the value and draw that history has in preserving relationships. Sure, there's baggage with that history but at least that baggage is a known quantity and most people understand that there will never be a relationship with no (or probably even less) baggage.


You have to let her make up her mind -- otherwise you're just asking for lots and lots of heartache. Haven't you seen the people on this board who's spouses stayed but never really quite decided it was in their best interest? It's not pretty.


How has all that worked for you so far? And, what makes you think more of that is going to achieve different results? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.


I haven't seen this mentioned so I thought I'd throw it out there.

Have you considered the possibility that your wife just might really be gay? She seems awfully attached to this OW for it to just be 'experimentation.' Maybe what she's struggling with is her sexual orientation. Has she seen a therapist to your knowledge? Since the affair started, how was your intimate life?

Mys

I was about to post the exact same thing. This is something you are going to have to deal with. Maybe some of the posters here can help you face it.
Mulan

Hi K&A,

Throughout our relationship I've always said that I loved her more than she love me, and she never disagreed. I will have to read up more on the 180 degrees thing, but essentially its what believer posted from the Dobson book -move on, with or without her, right?

Hi still,

Thanks for your wonderfully nice words... your husband doesn't know what he's missing, you're a gem! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will try to look up Dobson's book this weekend when I can, thanks.

Well, its almost past my bedtime... time to be more productive at work, been goofing off and the last thing i need now is to lose my job! :P

OK, to be honest, I was thinking exposure to this current group of friends of hers, but they're all old school buddies, so they're likely to side with her.


Yes you're right. Didn't think of it like that. Maybe subonsciously I want her to NOT forget about me...sigh



No husband.. she's a butch. I exposed to her parents by a letter (whom she lives with) same time I exposed to WSs parents and management. According to WS who spoke to her after, they were really upset and supposedly, the OW's father even slapped her. Hope thats true <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Well, now that she's moved out and won't contact me, Plan A is out of the picture. So everything lies in the hands of a WS who can't think straight, that she will miraculously wake up and make the right decision... well, I play the odds every week at the lottery, and haven't won yet! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />



Yeah, you're right of course. When she's here and acting like a WS, I sometimes wish she were gone. When she's gone, I want her back so badly sometimes. But I have made my boundary that I'm not going to take part in a 3-way marriage and I will stay the course, God help me.


Again, you're right


With regards to this, I don't think she's gay... she certainly NEVER showed any tendencies towards the same sex at all all the years I've known her. She got close to the lesbian because the lesbian was expert at meeting emotional needs... an MB expert almost <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Many of the other women at the office also supposedly are fond of this lesbian, because she's a closet lesbian. More like she's charming, considerate, generous to those she likes etc... and she's in sales... so she's expert at reading people and knowing which buttons to push.

In my wife's case, she was targeted and she fell for it. As for the continued A after D-Day 1 (I don't know status now), WS knew it was wrong, knew it couldn't go anywhere, but she was like a crack addict and wanted the attention, the conversation etc.

So no, at this point, I don't think my WS was gay all along, not that it matters much now anyway

Bump for Larry

Still

Dev,

I wish my H would think I was a gem. I still miss him so much. Right now I could cry about it.

Like you I wish there is something else I could do... the only thing I can do now is move forward. Am I scared... you betcha I'm terrified.

I also realised that I have done everything I could.... except pull away. So now I'm doing my best to untangle him from my life.

I miss the conversation... the stories about what's going on at work. I miss being able to talk to him about our son's hockey games. I miss not being able to share my day with him. There is so much we miss... and then it seems like they don't even miss us.

I miss cooking.... none of my kids like the same thing. A least with him sometimes I had some one appreciate it. Although not near the end.

I guess I'm feeling a little down right now... just ran across a letter from my attorney while cleaning about our court date for April 9th. That is so close.

Hang in there Dev.

Still

((((still))))

You know, I miss the opposite of what you like doing...lol..except for the son's hockey part since I don't have kids...:)

And I know what you're saying about them NOT missing us also. She tells me the same thing also, that she didn't miss me one bit, and that had to mean something, that she doesn't love me anymore..

Anyway, I don't know what I can say to her that I havent said already. Towards the end, she would hold up her hand and say "Stop! Just hearing your voice gives me a splitting headache...."..hehehe...

Dev,

You know I asked him if he missed me a couple of weeks ago... he told me he was past that. Ouch.

The things that are said causes wounds and scars that can never be seen.

My Wh used to make me feel like even the sound of my voice was disgusting to him. That's the one thing I don't miss is feeling lonley even when they are right there next to you. Nothing like facing rejection every minute that you are near them

Aaah need to get back to housework and get ready to pick up DS from school.

Still

Dev:

Still asked me to drop by and see if I had any ideas. If I understand your situation, your wife got involved with a lesbian, right? Oh boy. . .

I have some personal experience with lesbians, actually more experience than I ever wanted <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I was around their subculture for a time because of relatives.

I can tell you that in studying them, those who act the butch are experts at manipulating those they consider fluffs, the more feminine acting types. Even the best of male manipulators pale in comparison. Once a butch has her hooks in a fluff, only time will blunt the attachment and give a male an opportunity, if there is to be one.

Usually there isn't and only an Act of Congress, religious conversion, parents or a complete meltdown will reverse what has happened. Husbands have zero influence. Sometimes, more or less, kids can have an influence. No kids, forgetaboutit.

All the stuff your wife is saying and doing is just a bunch of fog talk and activities. She doesn't have her head on straight and she is being manipulated by a serious dyke. You aren't gonna be able to save her from herself if what I have seen in the past is any indication.

Heck, a guy who lived next door to me came home from a business trip and found his wife had moved out to live with her dyke lover. He had no clue it was coming.

As an aside, if you think that men are brutal, you have never seen a serious dyke in action. They use every trick fair and foul to keep control of their fluffs. Their whole life is centered around controlling their fluffs from what I have seen.

Hey, it gets worse. Fluffs control their bull dykes with the threat of cheating. I have seen a few really serious fights where some dyke was intent on beating the whey out of the competition a fluff instigated. Bloody and no holds barred was the name of the game. Threatening to go back to husband would be one of the ways your wife would act to reverse control her dyke. Since you aren't another dyke, you are probably immune from retribution.

My next door guy got the full monty. Eventually he couldn't handle it and killed himself. His wife acted sorta sorry at the funeral.

The intensity of the emotions in a lesbian world appeals to drama queens. For them, it beats the heck out of laundry, house cleaning, wiping kid's arses and fetching another beer for hubby. Oh, and dykes take great pride in their ability at SF. "Hold her down and give her multiples," is the name of that game.

There is probably no heavier blow to a male ego than to have wife run off with a dyke. Well, maybe with a relative might be equal. And that attitude is wrong. First of all, women tend to be more bisexual than men. So the door is open in some women and attachment to a male, any male isn't gonna close that door.

What your wife has done and will do in the future isn't about you, it is about her. You could have been any man, and I mean any MAN with capitals. You are not a beta male unless you choose to be by putting up with what she is doing.

In my opinion, about all you can do with a fluff who gets involved with a manipulative dyke, is to kick her to the curb and move on with your life. No kids? Get even and move on.

Just my opinion based on my life experience and education, your mileage may vary.

Larry