If you don't want to work on it, don't send it. It's vindictive and tends to show you care more about what others think about you than is healthy.

If you want to work on the marriage, then you need to send the edit version (sans "lesbian" - that's a bigotry label that will lose your needed credibility - no labels, just the facts. use the lesbian word just once, at the very most. otherwise it detracts.

OK, the letter has been edited.

I guess I want closure more than anything else. I want to move on, and yet, I'd told WS before that DIVORCE was the last resort, after you had tried EVERYTHING you can think of, and if it still didn't work out, then D. I do still love her, and my LB is running pretty dry at the moment. I guess giving it one more shot wouldn't hurt.

Well...if that's what you want...why send the letter?

Closure is a great word...but it's over rated. It gets you NOTHING.

Sending this letter for any other reason that rebuilding your marriage is basically pointless. Her friends don't care about you, or your marriage. If you're not asking for their help, they're going to look at this as an attempt to gain sympathy...and blow it off. It won't mean anything to them. It'll be a great opportunity for your WW to say "see how pathetic he is!" and spin it accordingly.

If you're walking away, then walk away. Saying nothing more to her or anyone else is the best impression you can leave if that's you game plan.

Not knocking that choice, if that's what your choice is. If it's not, or you're not 100% sure of where you're going from here...think about what you DO want this letter to do, and AIM IT ACCORDINGLY.

Thanks Owl... The one question I've been asking myself the whole morning -what do I want? Do I want her back? Do I even care about the M anymore? Is what people think really more important that trying to save whats left of my M?

Still haven't found an answer yet.

But I can definitely see that she is DEEP in the fog from the emails this morning between her and OW, as well as btw her best friend. She was pretty upset over my earlier email yesterday to move her stuff out, and me telling her that if she wants a lesbian relationship then it was her choice.

The OW and her friend were trying to cheer her up. This morning she replied to her friend that I "remind her of a horrible past" and that it was something she "so badly wanted to leave behind". Fog babble? Definitely.

If I DO send out the email, should I hide who are the people on the receiving end of the email? That way she won't be able to email them all to do 'damage-control' with more lies.. Pls give me your opinions. Thanks

Looks like I'm not getting much done at the office today again... sigh

Bump... BCC or not to BCC? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

*shrugs*

Doesn't make much of a difference. She'll probably figure out who it is (you sent it to, I mean)... and tell them whatever she tells them.

Why not just do what you're going to do then let her do whatever she has to do in response instead of trying to find ways to manage her behavior after?

Mys

*edited for clarity

I don't think the word "lesbian" should be in there at all ...it's totally unnecessary. It will be obvious from the gender pronoun you use.

Is #3223885 your final version that you want to send out? It is still way too long with way too many details in my opinion. Sounds mostly like sour grapes and that you want to make your WS look like a bad person.

It seems you just decided this morning to do this. This is the kind of thing you should "sleep on" before sending.

Thank you. I decided that last night and its already the "next day" here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm not sending it out yet, as I want to think about it some more. Will ask the advise of a friend of mine this evening and see how it goes.

Am trying to shorten it as much as possible too, thanks. I know I can be a bit long-winded at times, but I think some of the details are important to show the situation as it is, to make it clearer about events that had transpired and all.

Should I send this out now when she's in the US, or wait until after she comes back and collects her stuff? Can sending it now while she's not 'around' to defend herself seem like a cheap shot?

Latest edit:

--------------

Hi everyone,

This is BS, WS's husband.

Some of you may know that our marriage has of late, been very rocky. Well, 'falling apart' is probably closer to the truth. Whatever the reasons you've heard, that's fine: no marriage is perfect, we all know that. The purpose of this email to to lay before you the truth and to tell you how we got to this point.

The truth is, I discovered that my dear wife was having an affair with a colleague at [Company name] in December last year after seeing numerous intimate SMS's on her mobile phone. I confronted and she confessed that she had an "attachment and chemistry" with this person, and yes it got physical. What was even more shocking was that it was with another WOMAN! Yes, she had gotten involved with a lesbian, OW (whom I shall refer to as SW from now).

After the initial anger and hurt, I told her she had to leave the company and to have no contact with SW if we were to save our marriage. She begged me to let her find another job so that she could exit gracefully from the company, and against my better judgement, I agreed. When I found out that she was starting to get back together with SW again in January, I exposed it to her management and to her parents. She eventually left [previous company] and applied for a job at [current company]. Although her mother was upset, she believed WS when she promised not to continue the affair.

During her handover period they still met up and talked, with the excuse of wanting 'closure'. She, on one hand, was unwilling to give up contact, and I was unwilling to give up on my marriage, insisting on no contact. It was a most unpleasant time, for the both of us. I was up to my eyebrows with inconsistencies and lies, I just couldn't trust her anymore. She was more careful about covering her tracks, and though the signs of renewed contact were there, I couldn't prove it.

Right after she returned from her moms place, she said she wanted to move out "to think and reconsider if I wanted to remain married" and that it had nothing to do with SW, though she had moved out of the bedroom and slept in the spare room, with the phone next to her and regularly cleared her inbox and sent message folders - things she had never done before. I asked her to resume marriage counselling (we had only gone for one session) but she refused, saying she was "UNWILLING" to save the marriage. I had my suspicions about why she was unwilling (renewed affair), but not being able to prove it was hard.

When she moved out, I told her the door was open for her should she want to come back, but only if she was willing to come clean with me, commit to the marriage and have no contact with SW for life. She said she couldn't do it and left. I later realized that "moving out" & "wanting a fresh start" was just an excuse to pursue the affair unhindered.

I confirmed about 2 weeks ago that the affair is indeed still on, very much so, and I suspect that it never really ended. I told her just before her US trip that I KNEW about the ongoing affair with SW, and although I was hurt and saddened by that choice, it was ultimately HER choice.I said that while I was always willing to work to save the marriage, I would NOT be part of a 3-way relationship. I said if that was her choice then I wanted her to get the rest of her stuff out of my apartment by the end of the month.

That is where we stand now. Maybe I'm a fool, but I still love my wife very much and am still committed to making this marriage work, but I know that as long as the affair is ongoing, there can be no hope for reconcilliation. I hope you will pray for us and also HELP encourage her to end the affair, to wake up to the reality of her actions.

I have been immensely hurt by WS's infidelity, more so by the lies and the renewed affair after thinking that things could maybe work out. I have tried my very best to hold this marriage together since discovering the affair, but if she wants out to pursue it, I cannot stop her. While I can take responsibility for 50% of the problems in our marriage, the responsibility to cheat lies squarely on her shoulders. I've decided I need to move on, and while I would love to have her with me, I will also move on without her. The ball is, and has always been, in her court.

I thank you for your time and your prayers. God bless.

BS

--------------

Are you going to explain why you are sending the letter?

L.

Hi Orchid,

I thought I did? Or is it not clear enough to a casual reader?

"That is where we stand now. Maybe I'm a fool, but I still love my wife very much and am still committed to making this marriage work, but I know that as long as the affair is ongoing, there can be no hope for reconcilliation. I hope you will pray for us and also HELP encourage her to end the affair, to wake up to the reality of her actions. "

It is in the 9th paragraph of an 11 paragraph letter. How many do you think will read that far to find out why you are sending it? Are you sending it to a select few who already know or will this exposure hit new people for the 1st time?

Think of your audience as if you were in it and didn't know.

To keep their attention some may want to know why they have to read it all.

State your objective. Otherwise it may appear to be a gossip type letter which will not make you look good no matter how sincere you may be. I realize you mean well but put some effort into also assuring your audience of your true intent.

You could say something like:

Dear Reader,

This letter is coming from a friend/relative in need who respects you and would like you support. At this time our family is undergoing some major issues. While I realize you may not be able to fix it all, your understanding, respect and support will be greatly appreciated. I will do my best to give you the hi-lites of what has been going on. It is quite painful for me to tell you but it has become necessary due to an unfortunate turn of events.

NOTE: After you tell you story....which I would shorten a bit, end on a note like:

I realize this was long and probably quite shocking. I know I am still numb seeing my family distressed so. At this point, I would like to know if I can have your support. I am willing to hear your helpful input and ask you respect my decisions. I am not always able to tell all to all but having support will help myself and my family a lot. I ask that you be cautious when dealing with the WS. It is easy for them to twist your mind, leaving you frustrated and bewildered. This letter has also been sent so you are not as shocked and can have a better reaction should the WS make contact with you. So this letter will have a dual purpose effect for both of us.

Please feel free to call me if you have any comments and concerns. If you are not able to help out in a supportive manner, please let me know.

Sincerely,

BS and family.

Well....something like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



JMHO,
L.

WAY too long. Should only be about 3-4 paragraphs. The first should explain why you are writing, the next 1-2 should describe your situation including proof, and the last paragraph should wrap it all up. They don't need the details, just enough detail to paint a clear picture.

Dev,
I've never posted to you but I've read all of your story and follow it.

My advice is quite different.

Divorce her. Don't send the letter. Work on healing yourself and move on.

You've had a relatively short marriage, with no children and a spouse who is not remotely interested in working on the marriage.

Recovery is harder than Plan A or B. I would not even attempt it unless children were involved. Even Dr. Harley does not recommend it for a short marriage with no children.

The letter is not going to do anything. You are not committed to recovery, so your motives aren't pure -- this could very well be vindicitive in nature (understandable....but it tears YOU down to act in that way, so for YOUR benefit, I suggest not sending it.)

Just let it all go. And see how much lighter your burden feels.

Hey dev,

Did you ever read any posts by mustangdriver (I forget his original screen name)? If so, you remind me of him, a bit.

It seems the harder you try to explain yourself, the worse you actually sound. You don't sound like you love/care about your wife in that latest version (or any version) of the letter you wrote. You sound pretty mad at her -- which you are, right? It's no small wonder it comes out in your letters.

The rehash of the timeline of events with that level of detail conveys the message "Look!! Look!! Look at what SHE's done to ME?! How can anything I did be THAT bad?!"

And, for some reason.... it "feels" to me like you're just hoping this message "gets back" to your wife at some point because -- even though you keep saying you're not -- you're still trying to MAKE her see things your way.

Let me give it to you straight because I'm both short on time and you've got to be used to me doing that by now:

Putting on my never heard of MB hat and looking at this as an uninitiated observer who was friendly to both parties -- I'd call your wife and tell her to run for the hills because you sound really, really angry with her and I don't think you'd ever get over it. I'd be worried about her going back. Nothing in your letter would inspire any confidence in me that you want your wife back for any other reason than to make her pay for her transgressions because you're just THAT angry/possesive.

Putting on my MB hat, I know you have a recovery plan that you can follow and that doesn't include retribution. But, nothing in your letter indicates that it's actually in her best interest to go back to the marriage (particularly in your case because there aren't any children and people do take that into account.)

I'm tellin ya Dev... you wear your heart on your sleeve and that's not necessarily a bad trait. It's endearing in some situations. But, for what you're trying to do -- it's not that productive.

I don't know if you can tone down the emotional rhetoric in any letter enough to convey the message you say you want to send to people. If not, it doesn't mean you're a bad person -- it just means you might want to consider very strongly whether this is something you want to do. I am pretty positive it is not going to convey what you want it to say to the people you are sending it to -- too many vibes.

My suggestion is leave the letter idea behind and move on.

Or, write out a really good one with all the emotional rhetoric you can think up and put it in a drawer until you don't need it anymore -- then burn it. Or, post it here where we understand and it won't do any harm.

Mys

Thank you all for your advise and suggestions. I have a couple of questions, before I venture to answering the posts above, hope you don't mind:

1. Are there any cases on MB where the BS exposed the A AFTER the WS had moved out of the home to be with the OP and was successful in ending the A, thus getting the WS to return and try again? Any cases where there were no children involved?

2. Mys, you said that I should not send the email because it may not convey the message I want it to. And indeed, apart from there being reduced desire to win back my marriage (my LB is dry), there is still a lot of anger and resentment, as you've rightly pointed out. BUT, at this stage, even if the email *may* not be that effective, how can it make things worse than they already are? In other words, what have I got to lose?? Also, why should anger and resentment be surprising at this stage? Doesn't every BS have some degree of anger and resentment?

3. Lexxxy, thank you for your very frank assessment and opinion. At this point, while I may want to give up, or strongly feel like it, I am not ready for a divorce. Don't get me wrong, if she files for one, I'll do it, but I don't think *I'm* ready to do it quite yet (file, i mean).


I had a long talk with a close friend over dinner and he advised me NOT to give up. He said I should give it a minimum of a year before I did anything as rash as to file for a divorce, but at this stage, expose if I had to, then lie low. If she comes back, then we talk. If not, then, well, I move on anyway during that period. But he advised me to send out the email after she had taken her stuff out, to avoid any unpleasantness and ugliness during the collection date.

Anyway, will write more tomorrow. I had a VERY long day and am not thinking straight! Thanks again everyone and good night.

You commented earlier that you weren't sure what you wanted to do.

I'd tell you this...the FIRST thing you need to do, before you send the letter or anything...is to DECIDE on what you want to do.

THEN take whatever action fits your gameplan and goals.

Doing anything BEFORE you have a goal and plan is going to hurt your situation more than it will fix anything.

This is a minor 2x4, but seriously I can't see how you have any hope of ANY kind of change if you don't have a goal that you're working towards. You'll just waffle back and forth, and your actions will send unclear messages to EVERYONE. That's nothing but detrimental.

Get a goal. Get a game plan. Then, if it makes sense to do so, write an email that's tailored to that plan! Don't take any action until you've done that critical planning step first.

My advice anyway.

I agree with Owl.

Work on your stuff first.

Do NOTHING with this letter until you know where it fits into your plan.

You don't have to act impulsively. Take your time to think it through -- this has alread gone on for months, nothing needs to get done today or tomorrow.

Dev,


I'm sure there probably are and I'm not arguing against exposure to end the affair. In fact, I think that's an excellent idea. However, exposure works best (whether the WS is home or not) when there has been a good Plan A or there is an ongoing Plan A. You might look up "Married Forever's" story -- she exposed quite widely then immedately went into Plan B. She recently posted that her WH is planning to talk to S.H. about recovery. It's too soon to tell how things will work out but I'd say that's a positive sign.

There was a difference, though, in how her exposure letter came across -- and maybe part of that is even gender biased. (She does have children, though .. there probably aren't that many examples of childless couples to actually choose from on here to have a good sample.)

The exposure letter that people are trying to lead you towards -- the business like one -- the one without all the emotional rhetoric is a good idea. But, it's a different letter, ya know?

I'm not saying 'don't send a letter because it won't do any good.' I'm saying don't send a letter if you can't help yourself but include all the emotional rhetoric because it might actually hurt your case (ie. cause people to call her up and warn her away from you at all costs).

Sadly, especially in our current climate with what happened Monday -- everyone .. EVERYONE.... is a little edgy and hypervigilant against "angry sounding people." We're all in a 'safe before sorry' state. (It sucks and I'm not saying you sound violent -- but you do have to recognize that reality and experiences DO make an impact on people's perceptions. What might have been "harmless" a week ago looks frightening today.)


Well, you said you wanted to 'tell your side of the story so that people would know the truth.' The problem is that the way you tell your side of the story comes across (to me if I didn't know about MB) as not positive at all. It would make me less inclined to influence her towards you.


*shrugs* It depends on your goal. If you hope that exposure ends the affair to give the marriage a chance -- then you do want people to support her moving towards you. Let's assume the exposure DOES end the affair -- but you've freaked people out and now they're saying "Good that you're out of the homosexual relationship but move on and don't go home."


It's ~NOT~ surprising or inappropriate in the least! It's perfectly normal. There's nothing wrong with your anger.

But, what you are trying to do is write a letter to enlist people's aid in convincing your wife to 1.) end her affair and 2.) reconcile with you. It is very, very hard to push someone towards a very obviously angry (hostile) person. You might get them to do #1 but they might not feel safe doing #2.

Dev, there is NOTHING wrong with how you feel. I think you're just used to being around "here" where people understand and see this kind of anger/angst all the time. We understand that it's "OK." People who aren't exposed to this see that depth of agony/angst/anger and start wondering if you're going to do something about it. Your letter is not threatening in any way. Let me make that clear. You made NO threats -- but your anger, your displeasure, your hurt is palpable. I'm not even saying take ALL of it out -- I just suggest you tone it down and make it a lot more business like and factual so that it's easier for the people you are asking for support to make the decision to support you.

Sleep well.

Mys