silent...

I feel both ways about what has happened to you... in one way I would be scared to open myself up to be hurt so deeply again (and my children)...but on the other hand, at least with a false recovery you know that your H is still in there somewhere.

I have just had so little in the area of glimpses of H that I wonder sometimes if he really is gone to me forever.

His OW was married for 13 years, him 12. They live together, her D6 is telling my kids she is going to be their sister...and he is allowing that to happen to my kids.

I am NOT ready to give up, but I am just really having odd emotions that are basically the opposite of what I know I want to do with my mind.

I just feel at odds.

eav,

M is a gift...we just don't all treat it the way we should.

I am sorry you are still hurting after so long. I know that even though the emotions I have feel odd, I know that I prefer them over the tormenting ones that have been in my life the last year.

I am praying for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LilSis,



This is the kind of thing I need to focus on. I don't choose divorce. That is the last thing I want for me or my kids.

My H has not filed for D yet. However, he does say he wants it and I think he is preparing for that. He has started taking the kids EOW, which I think is prep for CS issues in the D. But, time will tell.

SDG,



I think we both started Plan B at relatively the same time.



YES! This is what the whole of my post is about. I almost feel scared/guilty/relieved that I am feeling this way.

It scares me because I could let go so easily right now and
miss out on the big prize. Also scared because I know I would be ok with that.

Guilty, that I could choose to walk away from the ONE person that I committed to love for the rest of my life. Guilty for my children.

Relieved because the months of agony I had lived through are seemingly over. I feel alive again, whole, complete. Not dependent upon my H coming home.



I didn't expect this to be how I felt in Plan B. I for some reason was still expecting a lot of angst and fear. I am thankful to not have that, but I just feel so differently than I expected.

fb,



I also still jump back and forth through all these stages.




That is who I want to be. I want to be the one who can wait all this out. I DO NOT want to be the person who cuts and runs just because it is the "easy" way out ( I use that word lightly, as nothing about this is easy)

IHC, this gives me the chills. Do you not have any other option other than to let this happen to your children? They know that their father is living with another woman? Isn't this confusing for them? They are in the MIDST OF EVILDOERS, IMO...ICK...

I understand your uneasiness with these feelings, but I don't think you should worry about them too much. You're doing (through Plan B) everything that you can do to keep the door open, and, based on what we know, Plan B is the most effective thing you can do to break up the affair.

What's the alternative? Trying to convince him? You've done that--you can't want to go back to that agony and dependence, which would destroy you (and any love you have left) sooner rather than later.

You are doing all that you can do, more than anyone can possibly expect of you. If you can't hold out--if your love doesn't survive and you do wind up walking away, it won't be YOUR fault. You can look your children in the eye and tell them that you did EVERYTHING you could. No one in their right mind will blame you.

One guy's opinion and interpretation. Like IHC, I think I would like to hear from more veterans on the topic.

mimi,

It makes me ill as well. WH introduced OW to my kids the first time about a month ago..."his friend".

The next weekend, he took them to her D6 b-day party where the little girl promptly told my DD( that she was going to be her sister.

This last weekend, their visit included spending the night at their apt.

I can't do anything to prevent it. It is UGLY, horrific sin and I am trying my best to help my children understand the difference between is sin and him. Hard for kids at their age.

I pray for their protection each and every time he is with them and do my very best to show them truth.

They have had a very difficult time recently. At least one of them has refused to go to their dad's each time they are supposed to go. I allow them the freedom to say whether or not they want to go.

He is blind to the damage this will cause both to his children and to his relationship with them.

What else can I do...

SDG,

I definitely want to be able to look back one day and honestly say I did do everything I could for my marriage.

Thank you for reminding me that I did not choose this...he did and this is my response to that act. I will respond in the best manner and see where the road leads...

sigh!!!!!

Any other survivors of plan B that can help us navigate??? there are several of us in this spot...

IHC

IHC:

I say this humbly because I have never EXACTLY been in your shoes AS A PARENT...

But I think you need to STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN AND WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT...

I don't think I would allow my children to spend the night in the presence of evil..regardless of what ANYONE says..I have faith that GOD would support me in my protection of my children from this..

I say DON'T EVER LET THEM SPEND THE NIGHT IN HER HOUSE EVER AGAIN...

Tell him that you will not allow them to go...

Yes, I think I would have to be legally charged if necessary...

I see him taking them there as being emotionally abusive...

That is so CONFUSING AND SCARY for a child...

This is me speaking as an adult who still vividly recalls the SCARY AND IMMORAL SITUATIONS that my parents allowed me to experience...it would have saved me much, much heartache and terror in my life if they had protected me...

mimi,

Thank you for that advice...I am going to try to figure out how to approach this...

I agree 100% with ou and I think it may be as simple as just saying that to him. I think he did it to see how I woulkd respond. I will make it clear to him that this is unacceptable while we are still married and that I will not allow it.

You have emboldened me to not just be passive and "what can I really do about it?" with my attitude.

I will let you know what comes of it.

IHC

YOU GO, GIRL!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

here is the e-mail that I think will be sent to my WH:

It has come to my attention that our children spent the night at your new apartment this past Friday. I have been thinking about how I feel about this and I have prayerfully come to the decision that it is not in the best interests of our children. In the future if you should decide you want the children to spend the night with you, please do so at your mother's.

We have spent 11 years raising our children to live pure and holy lives, teaching them right from wrong. Bringing them in to an environment that is in exact opposition to what we have taught them is irresponsible.

While I understand this is your life style choice, I choose to not allow our children to be exposed to this lifestyle. I know that if you have our children's best interests in mind, that you will agree that this is not a wise parenting choice. I am not trying to be difficult, but it is our job as parents to continue raising our children in the manner which we both agreed upon before they were even born.

I am happy to have you spend time with your children. They love you and need to be able to spend time with you. However, this situation has brought great pain, confusion, fear, and uncertainty to their lives, I cannot in good conscience allow even more turmoil to be present in their lives. As it is, they have already been very confused in how they feel about you, oscillating back and forth between love and anger. Adding in this new element will only increase their confusion. I know you do not see the daily effects of your decision on our children, but I do and it has been devastating for them. I just want to be the best mom I can be and this is the decision I have to make in order to be that.

Sincerely, IHC

What do you think?

I'm not sure if mentioning how the children struggle with their feeling for their father is not too much for the wayward mind, but otherwise it's very succint.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you want to raise them as you BOTH agreed on prior to this mess, and that they need ample time to adjust to the current changes prior to introducing anything new, especially since you are still married.

Just in case of any future legal proceedings, I don't think it's a good idea to put this in writing.

Don't you have an intermediary?

If I did write an E-mail, I would make it brief and direct. Most of what you are saying will not register with a wayward. If this meant anything to him, he would not have taken his children there in the first place. Enforce your boundary. State your truth.

I know our children spent the night at the apartment where you and (her name) live. I have decided that I do not want my children to be exposed to that type of lifestyle.

I am happy to have YOU spend time with the children ALONE. They love YOU and need YOU and need to spend time with YOU.

HOwever, in order for the visits to continue, I am requesting for you to inform me of your plan for ensuring their emotional protection and moral beliefs while in your care.


Or something like this...

silent,

I put that in because I don't think he gets what he is doing to them. I was very careful in Plan A to not berate him for how this was affecting the children.

Do you think it is a hurtful comment, in that it really does not serve a purpose in this conversation? I am trying to be very level headed and direct, without being angry, rude or spiteful.

mimi,

Would this be a negative for me in the future in legal proceedings?

I just don't think that way and so I don't understand what is good legally or not.

I am solely concerned for the welfare of my children.

So, should I just have the int. read the e-mail to him over the phone? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

And he probably won't get it now, either, especially coming from you. But I understand completely why you want to try.

Yes.. but the short version.

Don't you think your ANGER is justified?

Absolutely my anger is justified...I just don't want to come off looking like I am just trying to punish him...which is probably what he will take from it anyway in his fogged out state...but, I am not afraid to speak boldly when it comes to my children.

Thank you so much for the nudge!!!! I feel like I am soaring because of it!