It will seem awkward at first until the actions develop into habits. Developing these habits takes practice but once they are habits, they will seem effortless and "spontaneous".

Also you mentioned that you had in the past repeatedly told your BH that you needed more from him but ti required the threat of these A's to wake him up. This sounds like in addtion to HNHN, you may wish to buy LoveBusters and check on the WAY in which you communicated these needs to him. If it was done with SD or DJ you will likely not get the results you were looking for. LB is the other side of the coin....for the SPARK you are looking for you need to meet EN while avoiding LB too.

LB68 and Hdwoman,
You two sound like a team and that's very positive. The posters here are providing insight and advice; sure, a few frustrations come through, but by in large it seems to be well considered and intended. I read through and found valuable insight into my own situation (thanks JL). This is why MB is helpful, in letting others know they aren't alone in their journey.

V/r,
No Way

JL – Your comments were of value to both me and my W, and we are going to talk about them in depth. You are very wise, indeed. The way you were able to make those observations that were directly on-point just from reading a few paragraphs about our lives, I can tell you are a gifted listener…something I have been working hard at to change about myself. My W DOES realize that the grass is always greener where you water it, and that is why she put herself on MB and asked for advice, just because I asked her to AND she is working with me to build a better M.


NB – Thank you for welcoming us to MB and for your comments. The events over the last few months have shaken us to the core, and I am ashamed that it took a devastating event for me to wake up and make the changes in myself that I should have made a decade ago. You are right though, we have a chance to act NOW and become the H/W that we always wanted to be.


GameFace – excellent points! I read most of HNHN last summer after HHW and I had a major blowout, and I re-read several parts over the last few months. HHW has agreed to read HNHN with me now, and I will also order and read LB.


NoWay – I am happy that you were able to get something valuable out of JL’s advice to us. Yes, HHW and I are finally acting and interacting as a team, and it is so much better than our old power-struggle interactions.


Believer – My W does not value Bio-F or any other man more than me. She came to MB for ME and our family. She has re-committed to our M, and we are working together for that purpose.


BK & Orchid – My W thanked you last night for your advice, and I wished to do so also.


HNP – Your comments were way too harsh for someone here asking for help in recovering their M. I respectfully request that you delete your comments as they have hurt my W badly. I hope that she will continue to post and I don’t want her to have to see them every time that she comes here. I realize that sometime posters need to be slapped with 2x4’s around here, but as I stated above, this is NOT one of them. I apologize for lashing out at you earlier, but I was very angry.


HHW – I am sorry that you have had a difficult day. We have caused each other too much pain already.

LB68 & HHW,

U R both here for reasons obvious to all. If you really want help you need to realize not all the posts will be pretty. To get you both back to reality and into a good R pattern will require you both change some ways and habits.

HNP's post was a reality check. HHW can see if she can relate to any of those kinds of thoughts both then and now. It wasn't meant to scare her away. It was meant to help her. Tough love of sorts.

I thought about your posts a lot today. It is good HHW read here so she can see the depth of what true recovery means.

Most of the work often falls with the Xws. Don't water that portion of the responsibility and recovery down.

LB68, if you really love your W, you will want her to face her issues and deal with them. You can offer support but she will have to take the steps necessary to fix her issues 1st. Then together u 2 can work on the M. As long as there is a lot of finger pointing, there w/b little growth or recovery.

What I see in HHW's post is that she has identified some major issues she still needs to work on. Until she does, the entire recovery process w/b hampered.

I have seen many an Xws come here and post. The one's who make good solid progress are the one's not afraid to face their demons. They take their issues and comments straight on. Then they take it to heart and make the necessary changes. Until you have been posting here for years, you don't appreciate how much people take time to post.

So tell your W not to get bent out of shape. Instead, get back into shape. The MB program is a good way to start. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Try calling Jennifer C @ MB for some couple's phone counseling. Then you can both work on a recovery plan. 1st for each of you individually, then together as a couple.

JMHO,
L.

hmmm I looked this thread up after HHW posted complaining about LBs time on the boards.

HHW - this thread is all about how much HE is doing or not doing for you.

What are YOU doing to be a better wife to him?

As long as YOU are not invested in your marriage, there is nothing your husband can do to make you love him.

The answer to your problem is that you need to become an active participant in your marriage. As long as you are simply on the outside saying "What's in it for me?" you will never feel chemistry.

I'm newly registered but I've been reading here for over a year. I have been reading on several other forums as well.

I read threads like this and I find myself quite confused. I am hoping that someone can shed some light on the following questions:

How is it possible a WS can be so totally consumed by themselves even after they've come to understand the wreakage, turmoil and pain they have just perpatrated upon their spouse and their family?

I ask this because isn't the number one prerequisite to possible reconcilliation is a complete and total commitment on the part of the WS to do "whatever" it takes?

Why do I get the feeling that the wrong person is answering to the wrong person in this situation?

Why do I "feel", just from the way it's all been presented, that this WS has a long way to go to understand the difference between guilt and true remorse?

Why do I get the impression she is either on the attack or looking to control while making so many, many justifications for something that, among normally remorseful WS's, would not be considered acceptable behavior of an offender?

Who would consider this "doing whatever it took"? What level of confidence would you have if you were in LB68's position?

Zero confidence

And furthermore..imo, every man deserves the God given right to have a woman who truly loves them..

LB68, let HHW go get her 'chemical' fix and you go find a woman who loves and cherishes you as a person .. someone who doesn't stick you in the back when things aren't going their way .. you'll both be happier ..