I am new to this forum thing so bear with me,

I found out about the A just over two months ago. It was denied at the time and said to only be a friendship. The A continued and I continued to check and confront a couple more times. The A was explicitly detailed in emails. This only brought condemnation for snooping. When the WW tried to change emails, I gave an ultimatum. It was not until I gave an ultimatum to end it or leave did it stop or so it appears. It has been a little over a week since then.

She has started to see a counselor at my insistance. After reading alot of the information on the MB website, I have asked if she would be willing to start implementing some of the stuff found on this website. She keeps saying she needs time and space. I cannot decipher what that really means. Based on what I read on MB, time and space only tear down the realtionship further, not build it up.

Any insite into this would help.

"I need time" = back off so I can have BOTH right now...

If the affair is truly over there is a withdrawal period most WS's go through. It is like withdrawal from an addiction, and could include depression, or if turned outward, anger.

Do you have any idea how long the affair was going on? Was there a NC letter?

I'm sorry you are going through this, btw. But I believe this is the best place for you to be right now. So glad you are reading all the material.

Is it a workplace affair? Is it still ongoing? Is there still any contact between them?

I can see time and space, but only if there is no contact between them. Otherwise, it's because she wants it to keep the affair going. Unless she wants to give up the affair, counseling isn't likely to be much help.

You should read up on Plan A, because that's where you need to start. At the top of the Just Found Out forum, there are some quick-start guides for betrayed spouses, if you haven't seen them yet.

And sometimes "I need space" = don't crowd me so I can continue this affair in peace and privacy. It's stressful enough now that you have found out.

Sorry.

Pardner, tell us more about yourself. For instance, how long have you been married/together, children (ages), how the adultery developed, how you discovered it, and how you're continuing to check up on your wayward wife (WW).

BTW, ditto what Dealan-de said. "Space" means "privacy to keep on committing adultery."

Sorry that you have to be here, but you have come to the right place if you want to recover your marriage.

We have been married 17 years with two boys ages 9 and 11. The A was with someone who is connected to their sports and was spending a lot of time with the family, me as well. She pursued the relationship with him for a long time because I think she was trying to help him and then when it went too far, she didn't know how to stop it because she was trying to show him unconditional love. There seems to be this link with helping people that drove the relationship and is making it hard to end. It will be difficult to cut off all contact with this person because of his connection with my family. That is the part that is really hard. I have pushed really hard to eliminate as much contact as I can. She has been reluctant all the way. It seems to have ended and I don't see any activity on the computer or cell phone. I am just not quite sure how to proceed with rebuilding the relationship or when.

Has she sent an NC letter? One that you read, approved, and were copied on when it was sent to him?

If not, then you know your next step. After that, NC must be enforced. If that means that you need to work out some kind of modification in your boys sports schedules/activities, that's going to have to be the way it is.

Anything less is just begging for the affair to resume. Nothing to it.

Has she agreed to become completely open and honest about her activities? Has she started showing withdrawl from the end of the affair? Have YOU read up on plan A, the LoveBank, Emotional Needs?

More next steps that might help you out.

I have read HNHN and alot of the material on this site. She is reading a book called torn asunder but is feeling attacked right now. She has agreed to NC but will be in close proximity at times. I am not sure I can stop that. They are not talking, emailing, etc. The counselor is trying to work on the ENs that were not being met.

I was looking at P and was discovered about 7 years ago. Quit for a number of years and occasionally used it, more so as the relationship drifted down. Our lives became so full of stuff and then death and illness of parents heaped on the stress which triggered the A. She keeps going back to my use of P to say that I am just as guilty. I realize that that is partly true. I took away from the intimacy in my marriage.

Now I am trying to build it back but she seems reluctant to read stuff and impliment it. I am trying to figure out this plan A stuff and meet her EN. I am not a super intuitive guy and am difficulty knowing what her EN are and she has said she doesn't really know either. Reading these posts is starting to enlighten me a bit. I pushed pretty hard to get here, but I feel like I just need to start working on me but don't want to lose ground.
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I have a little more time so I will try and lay out the history. WW's father passed away on 11/06. A kicked in at that time according to cell phone records. OM was a mutual friend. I discovered the A in an email one day where she addressed him as baby and described what sounded like phone S. Next day looked further into email and discovered larger extent of A. Confronted WW and she denied that it was anything but a strong freindship and that OM needed help with his marraige. Met with OM and he said it was just friends. Stopped looking for about a week and got suspicious. Started reading emails and discovered the it was continuing but there was no overtly sexual overtones, just too much. I had to go on business trip and monitored email remotely and discoved continued and deeper A. Confronted WW on return and she said it would not be good for us if I made her stop seeing OM. Still no S or so it appeared. Went away a couple of weeks later with kids, WW had to stay and watch sick mother in hospital. WW and OM had S contacted while I was gone. Confronted WW on return and demanded NC. WW somewhat agreed but contact continued.

Took two more weeks before contact stopped and it appears to have as best as I can tell. That is where we are now.

wait4me, is the OM married? Has the affair been exposed? Affairs thrive on secrecy, so getting the affair out in the open will be ruinous. Exposure often leads to an end of contact because it is no fun to carry on an affair when everyone is watching. And as long as there is ANY contact at all, there will be no recovery, no withdrawal.

Also, have you placed a keylogger on her computer to monitor her activity?


Hopefully, you understand this is the reaction of a guilty person? You have every right to snoop on her and should be doing so until she earns your trust again.

Here is what Harley says about contact with a lover:

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

The OM is married and the A has been disclosed. So what do you do if she is unwilling to go to that level? I feel like I have pushed as much as I can without leaving, which I was ready to do last week. I feel like I need to work plan A from what I see on this website and try filling that love bank and stop making withdrawls. Am I being decieved? We are praying together in the mornings sometimes and she has confessed the A to at least one friend, myself, and the counselor.

I did contact the OM and told him I knew about everything and aked him if he had told his wife. I am sure he has not. I feel as though that would be a next step for me to tell his wife which I think would lead to his D.

I have two wonderful boys and I don't think leaving is the right thing to do now.

w4me, I am confused. You said: "The OM is married and the A has been disclosed."

then you said: "I did contact the OM and told him I knew about everything and aked him if he had told his wife. I am sure he has not. "

What do you mean? The affair has been disclosed to her or not been disclosed to her?

You need to tell her and you should tell her as soon as possible. It is unrealistic to imagine that the OM will bust himself, much less tell the truth. It falls to you to tell her. This may lead to the sudden death of the affair because exposure is ruinous to affairs. If that does not kill the affair, then you would want to expose to your W's parents, siblings, close friends, etc.

And no, you should not leave. That would only open the door wide open for her to pursue her affair and do nothing to help your situation. It is also viewed as ABANDONMENT in many courts.

But, your first step should be exposure to the OM's wife. That is the most potent weapon you possess becasue he is very unlikely to bother with your wife if his W is giving him trouble. The affair is more likely to end if two people are watching from both ends.

Yes, but in addition to this, you must be doing everything in your power to kill the affair or this will all be for naught. Plan A does not stand for appeasement, but a strong stance against adultery. Here is an easy outline from Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

When I exposed the A, it was only to my wife. I did not expose it to OM's wife. I have not disclosed it to IL's either in hopes that if recovery happens, there will be less baggage. I have only told a few of my close friends. Where does grace enter into all of this.

She keeps saying that she let me deal with the P when that was going on and she did not badger me so I should extend the same grace to her. I quite as soon as disclosure happened but she has not done the same. I still feel guilty to some extent. Maybe I am just not being strong enough against the A.

You won't get anywhere until the affair dies. She's agreed to NC? What about the NC letter? It's unlikely that she will willingly give up the affair but she will likely want you to think that she has. She only deserves grace if she really stops. If she's only semi-committal about stopping, then she probably doesn't intend to actually stop.

Either way, you should expose to OM's wife.

Thanks for the advice. I am sorry to see you are in plan B with the A continuing.

I will need to think about how to tell OM wife since I have no contact or relationship with her.

I have heard a lot about the grieving the WS goes through after the A has ended. I have asked my WW what her dream vacation would be right now and it is her alone. I am assuming this has to do with her grief over the loss of her lover along with the guilt and shame she feels. If she is sincere in restoring the relationship, how long are we looking at? Months, years? The future looks grimm from here.

So the affair has not been exposed at all. Your W already knew about the affair so there was nothing to disclose. When we talk about exposure, we mean to someone who does not know about the affair.


wait, the way to kill the affair and save your marriage is to expose the affair to the OMW. You should tell the OMW out of mercy and compassion and to increase the odds of killing the affair. It will give the OMW the opportunity to protect herself frm your wife nad her H. She is under a full scale assault by your w and her H and she needs to know this.

This is information about her life to which she has a right to know. To not warn her this is going on is cruel and selfish.


We can help you with this. It is sure not easy, but she will likely be extremely grateful.